Get over your hill and see what you find there

[SJW]

I'm so sorry you're hurting and if I could get in my car and drive to you now I would. I so hope you get a response today really don't want this hanging over you all weekend. I'll check in later. x

[Treasur]

Thanks, SJW. I think I've just run out of brave and compassionate and logical. I kind of don't care about anything really but a bit of me wants to fight back.

[Citygrl]

So sorry he is being a D&*k. I agree with SJW. Wait to hear what lawyer says. Would not be happy if he did send response and your lawyer didn't forward it to you. Frustrating.

I totally get your anger, hatred, and disgust towards him. You put out the olive branch, and I assume this wasn't the first time, and he ignored it. But like SJW said and you have before, this is business. This is your future your negotiating. Blah blah blah, be the bigger person, you are growing as a person, blah, blah, blah. All true but let's state the thing we aren't supposed to say. He caused this mess. You don't deserve this. Yes, they (MLC) are truly suffering, etc. But they have an adult enough brain to function in society so there really is NO excuse for them to be so selfish that their needs come first and they are selfish for not dealing with whatever issues they have and in fact causing innocents to be collateral damage. You can be mad. You have every right. If we didn't know them before and how wonderful they WERE we would be swatting them away like a fly.

I also think he probably didn't know how to respond to your letter. In the back of his mind he knows you can blow up his career.

So dear, Treasur, rage and get it out and then be kind to yourself. Go take a walk on that beautiful beach and feel the sun. Buy something for yourself. It doesn't have to be outrageously expensive: some nice chocolate; the super venti caramel, mocha choca coffee something; or, a goldfish! You get my drift. Look for signs the universe is good and I bet someone will contact you out of the blue and change your day. Or, get in the car and come see me!

You'll get through all this. It can't be as bad as BD. Maybe his behaviour is to help you detach utterly completely and then you can proceed without remorse.

Hope that helps. I am always afraid I am going to get kicked off. I am routing for you.

[Treasur]

Thank you, citygrl. My L is on hols, so it's cock-up by her assistant. I've left her a VMS.

I'm just fed up of feeling so powerless against this monster of a human being who has ripped my guts out and blown my life up. Logically, he obviously hates me and wants to just trip off to his 'new' life with no discomfort. I can't tell you how different this is from the person I knew who would have given me his kidney! The man he is now wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire. And I'm angry, and frustrated, and I want to punish him...feeling so spiteful is a really unfamiliar feeling for me and I don't like it.

You're right; it's business. But business with someone who lies and steals and then does fake normal emails, as if he has been reasonable throughout this whole process. Awful but real. And it is a reminder that he just isn't a decent, reasonable human being any longer. I hoped for the longest time that the man I knew still existed somewhere behind the fog, even if our M didn't make it. But he doesn't, does he?

Breathe. Walk. Good idea.

[Treasur]

STBXH has just emailed saying he will write to me this weekend, the goodbye explanation letter he promised me over a year ago...

Well, it might give us all some MLC insight. Don't know what it will give me, maybe painful closure and a window into the head of this strange creature my beloved became? I'll post it when I've read it...unless it's a long list of Treasur's Top 100 Failings!

[Treasur]

And now he wants to talk about it on the phone mid week (presumably when OW is not around!)...promises not to be 'unkind or hurtful'...hmmm, which probably means I'll just get anodyne word blah like 'we just grew apart'...

[Treasur]

Why does this still hurt so much after almost 2 years of madness? I think I'm just bone-tired. And I think there must have been a bit of me that I didn't even know about that was still hoping my H would come out of the MLC fog a bit. I just miss him and I hate this.

My logical head says that D is the only way to save myself from his MLC chaos. My heart just wants to see my H smile at me and not have dead eyes. When I pray every night, I recite the Serenity prayer, ask God to help me be wise about the difference between what I can and can't change, and ask him to let me see my H's face looking like H again before I die. Oh dear, self-pity party alert! Sad

[doodler]

And now he wants to talk about it on the phone mid week...

He's undoubtedly cock-up. Maybe you should invite him to the pub for a pint and some spotted dick.

[Citygrl]

Not self pity!! Totally get it. I guess we just need to be kinder to ourselves. You have been so strong and you are moving forward. Like I said, if the MLC change wasn't so sudden and drastic, this situation would be easier to accept and deal with. You are doing great, ride out the mild relapse. Read your posts from last week. You were so strong. Xx

[leahsue]

Treasur,
Thinking of you and sending hugs. I'm so sorry for this latest little relapse into pain. But it's SO normal, and unfortunately there's no short-cut around it. Just be the same, brave, strong treasure that you are, and walk straight into it. I PROMISE you will come out the other side stronger.
Also, on a practical note..... I've not said much in a long time on here about my first marriage, but some of the things you've said the last few posts resound with me about how I felt getting out of that marriage. It lasted 22 years, and for the most part, the first 11 or so were OK. I have two beautiful children, and they are the best things that came from those 22 years. He was a narcissist to begin with, but became worse with each passing year, until the last few years he was a straight up bully, besides the narcissism. By the time we split up, all I wanted was OUT. I had become dead inside, and was dulling the pain with AD left and right. I didn't hate (most of the time) but I did feel very apathetic and absolutely did not care about the financial repercussions of the D. I thought nothing would ever matter.

Here's the kicker- Later, it DOES matter. Once the apathy goes away, and it will, the anger comes back, but for me, it was anger at myself for just laying it all down and walking away. I could have gone the rest of my life and never worked or worried about money again, but I gave it all up, just to get out and be done. That is a huge mistake. Later, once you begin to feel alive again, and want to embrace the whole world and start to really live again, it will be SO much easier to do that with some financial security. I know right now it doesn't feel that it will matter, but please try to be smart and wise with your finances and settlements, because when "life", a GREAT ONE, begins for you again, you'll thank yourself.
Hugs to you today. Hang in there.