Ok, SJW...you do have choices, you do. You want to see the kids? You don't want to see him? Or you do, but not in the house? Take a big breath and use the time to think about what small steps you want to take now, what's best for (in this order) the kids, you and him
Post here and road test your ideas...people will help you think out loud x
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I desperately want to see the kids and they want to see me but he's supposed to be with them for 2 weeks and I've told him he can't sleep in the house when I'm here. Everyone has said previously I should stick to that but when I tell him he goes mad and says I'm stopping him seeing the kids as him going to his other house and back every day isn't practical, not my problem I say?
I am out Friday and Saturday so that's fine just Friday for a couple of hours I can do. If I feel like I can't then I'll suggest taking the kids out rather than being at home. I also need to take the opportunity to do something different and that's be pleasant but not get drawn in as that's when my emotions take over. The problem is he wants me to be me the person I always have been when he's home but wants to continue A, cake eat basically. When I don't conform he gets angry.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
What I need to do is not react when he gets angry because I refuse to be his support group. I keep telling him he needs to find someone else to talk to but keep getting dragged back in, I need to walk away if he starts and resist the urge to tell him home truths. I need to let him work it out for himself which he did when there was NC for nearly a week.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I desperately want to see the kids and they want to see me but he's supposed to be with them for 2 weeks and I've told him he can't sleep in the house when I'm here. Everyone has said previously I should stick to that but when I tell him he goes mad and says I'm stopping him seeing the kids as him going to his other house and back every day isn't practical, not my problem I say? That does sound right...where is he living now and how far away is it? I think all the DB wisdom says to stick to the really important boundaries. It's really early days and emotional for all of you, him too. Could you reframe it as saying to him that it's about the kids and, because both of you are finding this emotional and hard, you can agree that both of you want to protect the kids from that kind of atmosphere?
I am out Friday and Saturday so that's fine just Friday for a couple of hours I can do. Good GALing - woot!
If I feel like I can't then I'll suggest taking the kids out rather than being at home. I also need to take the opportunity to do something different and that's be pleasant but not get drawn in as that's when my emotions take over. Is there an option of you all doing something nice together for a few hours, a family trip somewhere? Might that help both of you spend a bit of time together but avoid R talks for another time?
The problem is he wants me to be me the person I always have been when he's home but wants to continue A, cake eat basically. When I don't conform he gets angry. Well, I guess that's just grown-up life, right? And conforming to how you used to be with him got you here...so that doesn't sound like a great idea whether it makes him angry or not. Detach, detach...doesn't mean you don't care, just means you step back off his rollercoaster. What does he do when he's angry? Do you know what he's actually angry about?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
What I need to do is not react when he gets angry because I refuse to be his support group. I keep telling him he needs to find someone else to talk to but keep getting dragged back in, I need to walk away if he starts and resist the urge to tell him home truths. I need to let him work it out for himself which he did when there was NC for nearly a week.
What will help you get in a place where you can do that if you see him?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I have no idea other than me reminding myself and stepping away which after Sunday I must do. Their A is wavering already and if I want this M or at least a choice then I have to do this.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
If he stays at work it's about 1hr 15min drive. If he stays with her probably more like 1hr 30-45 minutes both depending on traffic.
I only want to take the kids out if it's awkward at home as this is what he wants to play happy families at home then go back to OW and that's not fair on me or the kids.
Anyways I'm off to get more paint.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Not sure if it was clear from my previous post but he's back with OW. She's taunting me on social media and he knows it, agrees it's disrespectful but won't deal with it. In fact it suddenly made me realise earlier that she is far more jealous of me than I of her which has given me such a boost!
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Well, that says rather more about her (OW) than about you or the sitch! Suggest you ignore it, take the glorious high road and block social media access as much as you can.
Gosh, just think there was a 'lipstick on the collar/receipts in jackets' time instead of FB and texts on mobile phones....
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Writing everything down yesterday was really very therapeutic for me and by the afternoon I was feeling much more positive, thank you Treasur.
H took the kids to my parents yesterday afternoon so they could spend time with their cousins and he went to visit an old friend who was best man at our wedding. H called me when he was on his way back as the kids had said they were having dinner at my parents. I called my Mum, kids said they wanted to stay there for the night so called H back to let him know. I asked him how friend was and proceeded to have a good 10 minute conversation with him about said friend, partner and kids. He was telling me about some other friends that were now working together and we just chatted really happily. He then started asking what I was doing, what had I done this week. Fortunately I was picking a friend up from work so said just stuff and was able to end the call as my friend got in the car. I went to get my hair done and had friends over for dinner.
Later in the evening I text H and said I’m really glad you saw friend today, you sounded really happy when I spoke to you 😊. He replied after a few minutes to which I responded, he then sent another which I could have responded to and continued a conversation but I felt it didn’t need a response so left it at that.
This morning the sun is shining I have put washing on the line and am about to start painting again!
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
