I've been looking over these forums for the last 2 weeks and have been trying to find a way to get a hold of DR without W finding out.
So, I'm sure, like many of you, never in a million years did I think I would be here. My purpose in posting, is to seek advice and opinions from others on my current situation. Also to do some journaling. So here's my story...
My W and I have been happily married for several years and have one 2D. She continues to bring us much joy. However, almost a year ago things began to change in our M and my W became distant. I knew she was unhappy, but it became harder and harder to talk to her as the months past. She began distancing herself from me during our "us" time (after we put our D to bed) but I just figured it was a phase that she was going through so I let her know I was upset about it but she kept saying the new online friends she was making made her happy. She would say things like she really enjoyed the attention, etc... During these months, work became pretty stressful for me so when I got home I just started doing my own thing and figured things would eventually change.
A few months ago W began an OEA. I didn't know about it when it started and when I discovered and confronted her about it, I learned about it in phases. First it was just a neutral 3rd party to air her marital woes, so we began MC. During this, I discovered it was an EA and hinted at an ultimatum, so she told me she ended things. During this time of year, we normally take a trip to see her relatives who live several states away. It's always a fun time. She said that she wanted to go alone, with our D. I initially resisted, but gave in after some arm twisting by her. She told me that she really needed this. So I caved.
It was during this trip that the EA became a full PA. I confronted her when I found out about it and she told me there was no PA. However, after she discovered she was PG, she admitted what she had done. Currently, she is early on and it's 50/50 in terms of who the father is.
When she first told me about the trip I begged and pleaded. Shortly after that, I realized that tactic sucked. So I stopped doing that. However, right now I'm pretty much letting her cake eat I guess. She often tells me that she is torn between 2 people she loves and someone needs to make a decision for her. She has also said that after she learned that I told her dad and my parents that she was pretty much ready to leave. (I found out at work, and I work with FIL, during the initial moment of shock I made the mistake of telling him) However, since then she has often commented about what a wonderful husband I've been and how much I've stepped up in terms of being a father to our D. Paying more attention to our D has been wonderful, and I really enjoy it. However, doing stuff for her/with feels good in the moment, but when I know she later goes happily back to calling the OM I just feel used. So pretty much appeasing her has resulted in her practically being out the door to complete indecision. She often tells me that I should just "let her go" and that "I deserve better". (Which of course I do, but I don't want to be a jerk and tell her that)
I don't want a D. I just want my W to love me, and only me. Also, where we live there is no S. Only the Big D. And I don't think I can legally kick her out. Also, I feel a very strong urge to take care of her because she is PG. She is a stay at home mom and is completely dependent on me financially. Also, right now, we're paycheck to paycheck.
Right now, I go to work, respond nicely when she messages me at work, then I come home, help with the house and put our D to bed. Then maybe we watch some Netflix and then she tells me she isn't feeling well and she goes to the other room and chats with the OM. We've been in separate beds since her trip.
When we talk sometimes she says she usually has pretty regular fights with the OM. She's starting to think she doesn't want to be with him. She also tells me the distance is hard on their R. She also seems to feel immense guilt for what happened, but she's still not willing to give up the A. Part of me thinks, well, maybe I can just wait this out while their R dissolves. On the other hand I feel like I need to be a man and somehow take a stand. However, I don't know what that would look like and to be completely honest, I'm afraid. I feel like I've made progress over the past few weeks and I'm afraid to risk that.
I apologize for the jumbled mess. Any advice, especially with reasoning, is more than welcome.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry to hear about your sitch. Based on my experience and everyone else's in this forum. You can't nice uour way into winning your W over. The good news for you is that your W is already taking about the issues she is having with OM. And she definitely cake eating. Start to detach from your W, so she can start dealing with her own issues. You'll start to look more appealing when she finds herselfbstarting to depend on OM. Continue on this current path and you will be labeled as the dependable friend, while she has all the find with OM.
My biggest issue in my sitch is that felt the need to save W from herself. And I can already tell that you want to do the same for your W. Nothing you try will save her from herself, so don't even bother. W will habe to fall on her face and see the errors of her ways in order to begin fixing your MR.
I've read the detachment thread and I guess my biggest question is what does that look like in my sitch? What are some practical steps to take from what I'm doing now to what I should be doing without of course being a jerk.
One thing I've also noticed about myself is that when I'm at work and away from her it's so easy to be angry and want to detach. But when I'm with her and she throws me a bone (hug, kiss, cuddle) I cave. Then of course later, she goes right back to talking to him and I feel like such a door mat.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
One thing I've also noticed about myself is that when I'm at work and away from her it's so easy to be angry and want to detach. But when I'm with her and she throws me a bone (hug, kiss, cuddle) I cave. Then of course later, she goes right back to talking to him and I feel like such a door mat.
You've already answered your own question. Set some boundaries. Don't let her manipulate you with token shows of affection.
She often tells me that I should just "let her go" and that "I deserve better".
When they tell you who they are believe them.
2)
Quote:
and then she tells me she isn't feeling well and she goes to the other room and chats with the OM.
Nope. Ground rules if she's going to stay in the house is no contact with OM, at least while you are there. If she can't stick to that, she needs to move home to her parents. Right now she's having her cake and eating it too. She needs a dose of reality.
3)
Quote:
She is a stay at home mom and is completely dependent on me financially.
I understand this, but if it turns out to be OMs child, he should be contributing. BTW, are you sure it's 50:50? Have you done the math, do you know the OB's exact prediction of date of conception? No, it's not an exact science, but depending on how long she was away and how soon before/after her trip you had sex, you may be able to reach a better prediction. Is she hiding that data from you perhaps?
4) Why aren't you guys in marriage counseling right now?
5)
Quote:
Also, right now, we're paycheck to paycheck.
What can you do to change this? Is this due to debt, living above your means, or poor job? Whether she stays and you have another child, or she goes and you have to pay child support and possibly alimony, you are going to need more money. What can you do today to earn more or spend less? Although I don't like his politics, the Dave Ramsey Show is a good place to start to get a handle on your finances. Also, be careful - this kind of turmoil at home often translates into poor job performance, just when you really need your job. Don't let it affect you at work.
6) Have you thought through your options if it's not your biological child? I have seen some men here make the decision to raise it as their own - I admire them, but that's not an easy decision and many would not be able to make it. IF you do NOT think you would want to raise the OMs child, you should seek a Non-invasive paternity test, which can be done by a blood draw anytime after 8 weeks. Also, look into the laws in your state, because you will be legally presumed to be the father and to be financially responsible for this child unless you take certain steps, different in different states.
7) The big questions boil down to these: Is she more likely to return to the marriage if you just give her room and show her your changes, or if you take her at her word and encourage her to move to her parents (where she will have to start thinking about the reality of her choices rather than the fantasy?). Every situation is different, but given her unrepentant attitude, I vote for the second.
Do you WANT her back if it's not your biological child?
8) What do you think you need to fix about yourself? I'm not saying this is your fault - it's probably not - but that doesn't mean we are all perfect marriage partners. The one thing we CAN control is ourselves, and this is, oddly enough, a great time for personal growth and self-examination, which will serve you well in this relationship or another.
9)If she moves home to her parents, consider taking a roommate to help your finances.
10) Were there red flags in the past that you ignored about her? Very important question, as recognizing them may help you avoid similar situations in the future if you end up divorced.
As said before, you can not nice your way out. I would end the WiFi. No more contact period. Pronto! This is only the first step if you decide to try to work it out.
Then you need to decide what you will accept if this child is not yours.
God bless, Dude.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Your wife seems open to boundaries, so I would start there. Talking to the other man is a no go. You need to end that while you are around. My bet is she will respect you more for it, besides it being easier on you.
I would also do whatever I could to figure out the lineage of the child. That is going to affect your course of action one way or another.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
