I'm sorry. Maybe that could have been worded better ... I promise though that I did not single you out; I would have posted the same thing to anyone here. I also am okay with taking some 2by4s myself--so please, whack away :-)
If you have read my posts, you know I take a very hard line with all walkaways, waywards, MLCs, cheaters--whatever you want to call them--including my own H! I feel that we cannot nice them back, tempt them, or allow the games that they play. I firmly believe that they do not deserve attention until they show us someone that is worthy of our time. We can detach, GAL, 180, etc, but ultimately, we focus on us and only them when they show us a person that has started to change. I think it takes time to see those changes.
I feel that we teach others how to treat us. When my H--who also lied, cheated, and left me for OW--starting coming back around, I did not allow him to just walk back in my life. He really hurt me. A lot. I felt that I had to protect myself from this person that I already knew could (and did) hurt me. There were some conditions that needed to be met before I could determine that he was safe. My idea of being a light house is shining brightly, but from a distance, and one that they can see but not up close. They need to work their way over.
For me (and again, I can only advise people based on what I know), I needed to see that he was sorry for hurting me, that I could trust him (at least a little bit initially), and that he had changed his ways. If I wasn't sure that he had ended it with OW--and could prove that he meant it--then there would be no letting my guard down, flirting, or opening up the idea of us. I showed him that I valued myself more than I valued the M.
So again, I am sorry if that stung. I have no reason to be here to make anyone feel bad. I am only here telling people what I see based on what I believe to be true. ... You deserve someone who knows your worth and is committed to being honest and good to you. I don't want your H to think he can come and go as he pleases, and I think he should show you some remorse and integrity. I think you deserve that.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I'm hesitant to even put this out there...... but he called tonight and asked if he can fly down this weekend to see me. I told him I'd have to give it some thought.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Whoa... I wish I had some advice but I'm not sure how I would approach this.
It's good that you told him you needed time to think about it. You definitely don't want to come across as too eager.
I find it ironic that as soon as you go on a date, he suddenly makes a move. I question his motive. Does he genuinely want to start making amends or does he simply not want any other man to have you?
Keep your guard up, Leah. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
Does he genuinely want to start making amends or does he simply not want any other man to have you?.
I think that's the million dollar question. And the only way I know of to find out the answer, is to spend some time with him, have some conversations, and begin to see if I have enough energy left in me to want to form a new R with this man.
I'm hoping some of this will seem more clear to me in the morning. It's been a long, eventful day, and I so want to take this slow and guard my heart. I see my IC Wednesday morning, so that's good.
Blu, I do sincerely thank you for your going to bat for me. I know you only have my best interest at heart. I probably took the 2x4 harder than I normally would have, had I not been so very tired, both mentally and physically tonight. Going to get some much needed sleep now. And take this one step at a time.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Leah, I'm happy and I'm skeptical. I think his intention is to make sure you're not spending it with someone else.
Good work on following your instinct to ask for time to think about it.
First, decide if you want to see him. That's decision #1.
Secondly, if you decide yes to the above, decide if you want to see him this weekend. That's decision #2.
Third, if you decide yes to the above, decide how much time you will give him. For example, maybe you spend the day Saturday with him, but you have plans Friday evening, Saturday evening, and Sunday (it is short notice, after all.)
One thing I know is that, if his intention is to come back to you, you can't let him back easily. He destroyed trust, and he's going to have to work to show you that you can trust him.
I also know you can't show your pain until you hear from him a commitment to working on the M. It's just not relevant until then. You can state it in a matter of fact way, but you cannot let loose with sadness and anger. It's not the time for emotions. Pop those Xanax, girl.
I'm looking forward to hearing how you're feeling. I think we can advise you better when we know.
Blu, my first impression of what you wrote last night was that you were advising Leah from a very black and white place.
I don't think showing him kindness and spending time with H was weak on Leah's part. I think she was strong! She essentially said "Yup, buddy, while you've been spending time with trash, I've been here, beautiful, strong, loving, funny and kind. I'm still Leah and I always have been."
To me, that's what her time with her H was about. Leah showing H she'd reclaimed her identity and showing H she's fine without him. She held up boundaries with him. She didn't fall to pieces. She was strong.
I totally agree with you that it takes time to see changes. However, how will Leah know with her circumstances? They are long distance and they don't share minor children, so she can't just sit back and let time do it's thing because there is no regular interaction to see the pattern you're telling her to look for. You had children with your H, so it could happen over a long period of time and without having to actively choose to see him or talk to him.
I don't see how Leah can see evidence of that consistency from her H without being somewhat responsive to him, due to her circumstances. The only way her H could start working his way back is contacting her, exactly what we're seeing him do (though we don't yet know his intentions.)
I also think that WH/MLCers are not going to throw it all out there without some indications that it is safe to do so, since shame is such a powerful driver with them. Those who share kids might be able to demonstrate receptiveness on a regular basis, but Leah doesn't have that opportunity. When he starts sniffing around, she's got to decide how to respond, because it could be the start of that consistency. And there's no other way for her to know.
I think Leah's situation requires her to be more receptive than those who share minor children, just because there is no opportunity for regular interaction that could allow her to passively observe him.
I'd be concerned if I saw that she was emotional or didn't have boundaries, but she's doing really stellar with those things! Her H asked to come see her and she didn't immediately jump on the opportunity, and that's a great thing. She's protecting herself, which I think is the common thing that all of us want for her.
I don't see how Leah can see evidence of that consistency from her H without being somewhat responsive to him, due to her circumstances. The only way her H could start working his way back is contacting her, exactly what we're seeing him do (though we don't yet know his intentions.)
Cadence, thank you for your response, both to Blu and to me. I've given it all much thought throughout the night. I still have not decided whether to see him this weekend. I DO want to see him, but it is short notice, and I want to be sure I'm mentally prepared to keep my boundaries firm.
One interesting and seemingly honest thing he said last night, kind of in reference to your quote above-
He opened the dialogue last night with a text, asking how my trip to the farm went, if we went alligator shining, that he wants to come soon and break my BIL's new bass weight record, etc., I waited a while before responding to his text, but then I just answered briefly how it went. I also said- I put the $ back in the account since I had only needed it b/c I found myself without my other debit cards that day.
His response was- "I told you it was fine. And I knew it was you. I guess I just was looking for a reason to reach out to you."
I said "You don't need a reason to reach out to me."
He said, "But I want a reason."
When I didn't respond, that's when he called and asked if he could come see me this weekend.
I found it interesting that he was honest about wanting to reach out, but again, that shame and testing to make sure it was OK, which has been his MO since BD, was still so strong. In some ways, (and not everyone will agree here, but that's OK- just calling it like I see it with him) I believe he is as afraid of reaching out to me, as I was of his NOT reaching out to me at all, back in the beginning.
I think for now, just treating him gently, letting him pursue, but letting him know it's safe to approach me slowly, is going to be my plan. When I do eventually see him again, I will need to see his commitment, or lack thereof, to building a new R., along with his regret, apologies, etc. But for now, I'm just breathing slowly, taking care of me, and turning my face toward the sun trying to be the best Leah ever. And I can get to that place, with him or without him.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
You're welcome, Leah. I see a big improvement in you and your resiliency, and things are different for those of us who don't share kids. In the same way MLC vanishers are frustrating, not sharing kids means there's no natural opportunities for interacting.
(I don't envy those who do share minor kids; just like I didn't envy you when H was in frequent contact. It must be challenging in a different way.)
Quote:
I DO want to see him, but it is short notice, and I want to be sure I'm mentally prepared to keep my boundaries firm.
Okay, so you do want to see him. It sounds like the lingering issue is when.
If you feel this is too short notice, you might tell him that. Or you might say that you only have 12pm-5pm on Saturday open because of the short notice, so maybe he wants to try another weekend. Just some suggestions. You'll have to find a balance between being receptive but also with boundaries.
Is there anything you'd need to hear from him before you made a decision about him coming down? I'm asking so we can advise you.
My other gut reactions to this are that he should not be let back easily, because that may lead him to continue to take you for granted after the honeymoon period ends. Second, that he should not be given the impression that you are available to him as soon as he wants you, given his choices since December. If he wants to see you, maybe be available for half of the time unless you reach a point where you both want to work to reconcile. Third, he shouldn't be trying to limit you dating (if you want to date).
(To be clear, I don't think you should say those things to him in the above paragraph. If you agree, you'll be showing him these things with your actions.)
