New to the journey and thank you.

[Kylo]

She's got her crazy brother coming in town, (he makes anyone on here look like sanity incarnate) and staying with her mother. I told her to count me out of the festivities. She was worried there would be questions, since he doesn't know the sitch yet; since he can't be trusted to keep quiet in front of my boys who know nothing. I told her to just tell him afterwards. The only thing I'm second guessing is the safety of my boys since her brother got angry with my eldest last time he was in town; which is why he isn't staying with us.
Usually she comes away from her family appreciating me more, which will be a funny dynamic considering the current state of our relationship. I don't have my hopes up or anything, but if I was eating carbs, I'd get out the popcorn!
On a side notewe got along well today, which put my resentment at bay.Man am I attracted to her

[Kylo]

I've had most of the weekend to myself, since the wife's brother is in town. She has taken the kids along since he has a little girl around their age. This is the second weekend I've had to myself and I have to say it is pretty nice being alone, so at least I don't have to worry about every other week being hard to deal with.

I thought about going along to these things for the kids' sake, but I can't tell if they think anything is up because of it. From a DB point of view I'm not sure if it was the right call, oh well.

After in-laws leave and school starts next week things could pick-up on D proceedings, we'll see.

[Kylo]

We both went to church today (I don't make it that much anymore and when I do, she often stays home) since it was the Sunday that the 3rd graders get their Bibles. We drove separately since she was meeting her bro afterwards (and because she is usually late).

The sermon was seemingly written for me. It was about courage. She used the analogy of learning to swim as a child. When we go to the deep end, it is scary, but what we learned in the shallow end, works in the deep end. We're in the shallow end when everything goes well. When things go poorly, we are thrown in the deep end; but God is with us. What we learned in the shallow end will see us through. I think the wife may have reacted, who knows. She never has paid much attention, and didn't discuss Theology much with me. I think I got her to put her toe in, but since it was an area I studied and was interested in, she had to not be interested in it.

Since I've been a kid up until a year or two ago, I would always hear the preacher talk about praying for our pain and suffering. I would always think in my head "Not me. Is everyone always in such pain?" I guess it is my turn now, or I should say all our turns.

[Kylo]

I was getting impatient, so I went back and re-read parts of the DR book. I seem to be on the right track since she is pretty much out the door.

Some resentment built up that I think she could sense. She's spent me to the brink. No big purchases, but death by 1,000 cuts. (although she did spend $300 on a weekend with her equally disturbed friend. When I told her we never spent $300 on a date she said "Isn't it sad." What a brat.) It bothers me that she's still living here enjoying the benefits of marriage. She needs to get a job.

The more I read about BPD, (some take it as stunted emotional development), the more I see her as a teenager. She reasons like my niece, and the way I did at that age. Why am I doing this again?

It reminds me of the meme before there were memes: there was a picture of a jaw-dropping woman in a bikini, and the caption said, "Somewhere is a guy who's sick of her sh!t"

[AnotherStander]

Some resentment built up that I think she could sense. She's spent me to the brink. No big purchases, but death by 1,000 cuts.

Boy does that sound klaxons in my head. My XW and I always maintained separate CC's and bank accounts. Early in our M she racked up 15k in CC debt without ever saying a word. It was the same thing as your W, no big purchases but a whole lot of little ones that she kept thinking she would pay off the next month. When she finally disclosed it, we came up with a way to pay it off (slowly) and she offered to give me all her CC's but I said no, her word that she wouldn't let it happen again was good enough for me and I trusted her. Not too long before BD she disclosed to me that she had accumulated more CC debt (over 10+ years!!!!) and had been afraid to tell me. This time it was a LOT more, I can't remember the exact amount but it was 80k or something like that. She didn't think it was a problem because she had just gotten an inheritance that was enough to pay it off! The way I looked at it, that inheritance could have paid our kids' college educations and set us up for a nice start on retirement, so I wasn't "happy" about it like she seemed to be. I never yelled at her or anything, stayed calm but I did express my disappointment. We cut up a bunch of her cards (I've only ever had one CC, she had a dozen) and called and reduced the spending limit on the two that she kept. That was a year or two before BD. I'm sure that was a big contributing factor to BD, one of the few things she told me after BD was she felt like she always had to walk on eggshells around me and I am 100% sure that feeling could only have been because of the debt she was keeping hidden. So incredibly, she harbored all this resentment over something that wasn't even my fault and that I didn't know a thing about.

Definitely don't discount how big a contributing factor something like that is towards BD. You may have known nothing about it, but she may be harboring a lot of resentment over it anyway.

[Kylo]

Wow, that is rough! You are right though. The tightness of the money has definitely played a role in her wanting out. She believes and portrays herself as not a "gold digger" type, but she has said how being broke [censored]. It (me) also stopped her in her tracks for her "next thing": a house with a better yard. (I've read the BPD always have a project or a "next thing"). I called her on it before I knew anything about BPD, and she finally admitted it, but couched it as something "all normal people do."

We've had influxes of money, but then spending increases and they disappear in no time. I played a role in this, but now I've figured it out.

I've told her over and over the key to happiness is being thankful for what you have, and she can't even agree to that. In the beginning, when she liked me, she definitely would have agreed.

[Kylo]

Today was more difficult than most. We had Open House at the kids' school. I was so attracted to her, again. Which makes the rejection all the more difficult. We get to the school and she's talking to everyone: teachers, parents, kids, principal, secretary. Kids are giving her hugs. This would be wonderful if she were my wife, it's more difficult when this is the woman who is ditching you. Plus, it makes it less likely she stops this to get a job, which would be helpful any route this relationship takes.

I don't really know the people here. I'm introverted; but when I do try to put some effort into conversation I can tell they don't want to listen. This just puts me in a worse mood since I always make it a point that when people talk to me they are heard. whatever, I just need to work on staying happy around her. Shouldn't be too hard since I am everywhere else.

[Kylo]

So being newish to all this, most of the analysis of traits has been done on past events, but last night I experienced it real time.

She ordered 50 eclipse glasses for school off of Amazon. Well Amazon declared they couldn't be sure of the glasses' safety and refunded the money. In turn, she now has to tell the school that we can't use these glasses anymore. She tells me the story and I agree with her the whole way (I probably would have done the same thing). At the end I give her a sarcastic "Way to go" as a joke. She gets upset and tells me I always try and make her feel guilty when she screws up.

I tell her I was just joking.

She says it isn't funny.

I tell her I thought it was funny (there's a part of me that wants to tell her to take a hike).

About 5 minutes later I come back in and tell her: "I meant to say I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Which is true, that wasn't my purpose. I think she liked the apology.

It feels a bit surreal when you know why she's doing what she is doing, but you can't tell her. I know I would make mistakes, but I feel like I could help. Patience, patience, patience.

[Treasur]

Kylo, I'm sorry you're here and you're right about patience. And death by a thousand cuts.

You said (and you're a funny guy) "I told her later: If you measured the speed of this divorce in the number of words discussing it, this would be the fastest divorce in history!" If it helps, I can name that tune in five. 'Divorce is the only option' is all I got with a H who ran away and refused to speak.

A couple of similarities struck me. Like you, married in 2003, some FOO stuff and being 'helped'.

I don't know if your wife is BPD/MLC/WAS...in a way right now it doesn't matter, just her actions and yours. No one can give you a percentage, timescale, game plan or outcome. Right now, you just know that this is where you are and it's going to be a hard ride. Sorry.

Please start training your mind around the Serenity prayer because focusing on what is in your control will help. Get some support for yourself to talk, pastor or IC, rather than stew as an introvert normally would. Try to accept that the M you had is over...as inconceivable as it is...and you are fighting for two things; to protect you and your boys, and to have the chance to make a new M on the other side of the storm. If that is what you want.

Loving detachment will save your life and sanity. It's like finding a human version of Grace, but not easy to do. DB will help you start to build a plan for you, but with your W, you can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Like your W, my H has a pattern of 'waiting to be rescued' but I think it produces resentment about being controlled too, real anger. If it is a pattern for you all, expect her to play both extremes of that in this crisis and you to fall in to your part of that pattern too. You might find it helpful to muse on that now.

Also, the money is a big flag. Your W may self-medicate with 'stuff' and you should be taking steps right now to protect you and your boys financially. Many spouses here - MLC or WAS - go through thousands, steal and lie, like a child taking money from your wallet. They seem to have a broken link between cause and effect, and a huge sense of entitlement and 'well, I want it so I took it.'

Practical stuff...what is the status quo right now? What is your W doing or saying she's planning to do? Is there an A? Is she seeing an IC? Does she have her own job and bank account?

You can't stop this rollercoaster. It isn't your fault, Kylo, but you can't stop it. Only choose how you respond and how you take shelter. Wiser heads than me will give you advice too if you keep posting, but my two cents is that God is giving you a challenge to live the Serenity prayer for real now and detachment is key. But hard, really hard and painful to do.

[AnotherStander]

At the end I give her a sarcastic "Way to go" as a joke. She gets upset and tells me I always try and make her feel guilty when she screws up.

Take it from someone who is a reformed master-of-sarcasm, save the sarcasm for your buddies. It has no place in your romantic relationships.

I tell her I was just joking.

A better response would have been "you are right, I was trying to be funny but that was insensitive. I'm sorry."

She says it isn't funny.

And it wasn't to her, which should have been all you needed to know.

I tell her I thought it was funny (there's a part of me that wants to tell her to take a hike).

Oh boy. What you need to understand is that REGARDLESS of your INTENTIONS, you offended her. She felt offended. You need to seek to understand and acknowledge her feelings. That's what the "validation" thing is we talk about so much here.

About 5 minutes later I come back in and tell her: "I meant to say I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

Better late than never!