Oh yeah, life goes on...

[Sotto]

Ah, you guys are the best - truly! I really appreciate your thoughtful and caring responses...they do genuinely make a difference. A few years on and I think I'm doing pretty well, but then I struggle too from time to time.

I'm away this week and having a lovely trip with my good friend. My first proper post divorce holiday and I'm having a great time. I had some aims and I have ticked them off..

Make sure I get a room with a view
Breakfast alone
Dine alone at least once
Strike up a conversation with a stranger
Go on an adventure alone

My friend is staying in a different hotel nearby (long story) and has a couple of other commitments during our trip, so there have been opportunities to practice 'travelling solo' - I've enjoyed it. Held my head high and told myself it's perfectly fine to be a solo person at breakfast or dinner. I'm not causing any offence and I will feel no shame either.

On a different note, I read something recently about the negative emotions that really signal a marriage is in trouble - disgust and contempt. Very hard to come back from those. And thinking back, I can see moments when XH did treat me with some contempt. I've struggled with that one - I don't feel I deserved his contempt & I still get emotional when I think or talk about that. Any thoughts dear friends?

Otherwise, I'm really enjoying the break. It's done me a lot of good to have a complete change of scene and let go of work issues. Made me realise that work has been intense for some time and it's good to get a proper recharge.

Very best wishes to you all xx

[CaliGuy]

Sotto ... look at you ... killin it over there!!

I think I read that very same article, and like you looked back on that contempt part of it. So was this contempt before crisis, understanding the crisis was most likely in swing 2 years prior to BD.
I will be blunt here, you did not deserve any form of contempt,however with all the growth you have done since all this happened, my approach to this and other M issues has been, I allowed certain things to happen. I did not place boundaries and bought into letting her get her way thinking that would make her happy and eventually me happy... see how offbase this logic was now in hindsight? But its so easy to get sucked in. All those DB tools that seemed so counterproductive make so much more sense now and no way would I allow myself to be treated that way.

So chalk it up to MLC along with not having the tools to stop thing from happening. I think early on we all are guilty of rewriting history just as our MLC did .. but more in the positive light. I know I did ... truth is my M was not all that good leading up to BD, part crisis, part me being to much of a nice guy ... lesson learned the absolute hardest way, but my thick skull it had to be this way.

Enjoy that vacation !!!

[roist]

Of course no one deserves contempt. Dynamics exist in most relationships that could easily escalate to that point. Most people don't see that escalation and only remember being on the receiving end and not liking it and hence the person doing it.

I am not blaming you, but pointing out that IMO nearly every couple that says "I do" find themselves on that path. Once on that path it us difficult to go back to find a better one.

Sometimes I wonder if a course on couple dynamics and how to make a M work should not be obligatory before M.

Long story short, going into your M you hadn't the necessary understanding nor tools to avoid it. None of us here did. Now we understand and see things clearer. Our crisis's have served us well if we learn from them.

I am glad you are not only achieving your targets, but enjoying yourself along the way.

Best wishes

[Sotto]

Thanks guys and yes I can certainly see how we both tried to avoid conflict, which then impacts on the closeness and intimacy - and in time that erodes and so on...add some midlife angst into the mix - and here we are....

Busy week for me. Been to a Celidh, to a big meeting in another city, to an art house movie, looked after my Mum, a 50th party and now I'm a few hours from home on a personal development course. All good really..

Had a testing moment with a friend recently. She asked me to ask the guy I had coffee with if he would like her number (as I don't have a romantic interest in him.) My (internal) reaction was - yikes that's going to be embarrassing. He and I had coffee and he keeps in touch. But, going out with him was my first date in 15 years, and I didn't want to get myself into a potentially embarrassing situation by asking him this. So I pondered it for an evening and told her (as nicely as I could) no. It was fine - I hate to say no! - but I did it and didn't worry about it too much, and she was okay with it too, so all good.

I continue to work on my relationship with my Dad. He and I had lunch last week, and I do find his company stressful. Literally two minutes after he arrived, my stress levels soared. It's a work in progress to be sure. I'm working on compassion with boundaries.

Being out and about as I have been, I notice I still have some anxiety about - I'm in a different location and what if I ran into ex, OW, both. I know they wouldn't come into my sphere - but if I'm in another sphere..it's irrational. Doesn't stop me doing things, but I notice I have the anxiety about it - something to work on...

Been busy making some nice plans for my milestone birthday. Booked a little time off, treated myself to an indulgence I'm looking forward to, and invited some close friends and family to a couple of events. It's not for a month or so, but I had been wondering about what to do, and it's good to have plans in place now...

Anyway - that's it folks...a non-update really, but life keeps moving forwards...

Take care my friends xxx

[roist]

Good oñ you for saying NO.

Good on you for continuing your self care. You cannot pour from SN empty cup!

Best wishes

[Sotto]

Hi all, just a mini update from me. Not much to report really. A friend of mine is struggling at the moment. Her ex is about to marry again - not his AP thankfully, but still. My friend is single and would love to meet someone too. She wanted to spare the kids from knowing about her errant ex's infidelity, so she has never told them. They are playing active roles in the wedding, which is a bit tough for my friend. I'm not sure what to suggest really. The kids are grown and I think perhaps they should know the full story, but I haven't said this to her. Perhaps it is too close to the wedding for that...

Any ways, I'm about to step down from the job I stepped up into. My replacement starts in a couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to having a little more time for parent-care, dancing, singing, seeing friends and me...I have no regrets at all and I"m looking forward to inducting our new colleague.

Milestone birthday is approaching and I'm looking forward to it. I'm doing a few different things with friends, family and colleagues. I don't see much of NG at work at the moment, but somehow he has been invited to my party - crossed wires between me and my boss. I don't expect he'll come, but we'll see.

I've been asked to a couple of things by different guys, who are nice enough - but I just haven't really been that interested. I'm not sure I have much to give just now and I like the simplicity of being single. No news of XH at all and I remind myself not to even look or ask nowadays as it doesn't help! In a way my married life seems so far away - but my mind still touches on XH - probably every day at least and I do ruminate. Not in any awful way and I'm not in a a bad place at all - but I hope that lessens.

Truly, I do feel a better person these days. When your spouse is trying things on for size and you're not part of the new capsule wardrobe, what else can you do? The advice to focus on you, learn, grow heal, move forward - it's so important.

These days, I am more steady, happier from within and much less dependent on people's good opinion. I take more risks and I dance, sing and laugh more. I'm so much more accepting of me. I remember when I met XH I was so desperate to be loved. Now it is different for sure. Yes, it is nice to gain approval, but it doesn't ruin my day in the same way if it isn't forthcoming. I think I am much more discerning now...

Anyway - a bit of a non update really, but I do read along and I like to post from time to time - keep a hand in on the forum that has helped me so much. There is a big old slice of humanity here and I am grateful for it.

Best wishes to you all xxx

[OwnIt]

Sounds like you are in a good place a little more than 3 years out. Hope I am as well situated when I get to that point. I am finding the joy in life again and recognizing things in myself that I have long forgotten.

[kml]

As for your friend - thank goodness her ex isn't marrying the affair partner - makes things much easier.

She shouldn't tell them now before the wedding. At some later date she might, but she better ask herself what she hopes to accomplish?

[rd500]

Hi Sotto, good hear from you. Life seems to be moving forward for you and not surprised to hear you have been asked out by lots of guys !!!!!

As always you lead by example and show how to get through such a difficult time.

Keep moving forward at your pace and putting Sotto first.

Take care , Rd xxxx

[Irish M]

Hi Sotto
my advice to your friend would be not to say anything. It won`t accomplish anything except resentment towards their father.

My XMIL did this to XW about her dad. He was just diagnosed with terminal cancer and XMIL decided to tell XW dirt about him. It was a MLC version of dirt because XFIL was a LBS.

lets just say it hurt the relationship between XW and her dad for no other reason but to make XMIL feel better about herself.

Your big heart shines through your responses and posts here. Keep showing us your strength. its contagious.