Things continue to go well I believe, but taking it day by day. We have been physically close and talking more. I'm going out of town today for a couple of days for work. She mentioned that now that I "have her", I don't want her (basically voicing insecurities). I told her again I loved her and had no interest in leaving her.
She has anxiety that since I'm hurt I might do something while I'm away. I have anxiety she may do the same, but I'm going to do my best not to reflect that in our conversations. I'm sure she'll call me tonight to check up on me. I need to strike the balance of not being overly available, but at the same time not trying to prove a point of how in the past she didn't answer me while at a party.
The dance continues, but I really do appreciate this site as it has changed the way I approach things. I'm cautiously optimistic.
Welcome to the boards. It sounds as if there are a lot of positives in your sitch. You are getting some great advice here. Keep things slow; the saying here is that this is a marathon and not a sprint. Sometimes you will see immediate results, but mostly it takes time to work on the M and create a better one. Try and be patient, take it day by day, and continue to GAL and work on your 180s. Even if that makes her anxious, continue them because really they are for you. One thing we learn here is that we can never really fix the M (or the other person) but we can fix ourselves, and ultimately if they can do the same work too (their choice) then we can have better Rs. Not just with our S, but with others too.
One thing that stood out to me is that your MC said that your W is 99% out the door. That feels like a red flag to me. Overall, do you respect this MC and find it to be helpful? I am no expert, but I don't think it is their job to make these predictions and actually think it can be harmful. I think it is their job to help us with better communication and to navigate challenges. What does 99% or now 0% even look like? I tend to think that feelings (and the people who have them) are always changing. How can you quantify something that is never stagnant? My H was "100% out" a few years ago (had an A, said he wanted D, and he moved out), and today he is "100% in" and we are piecing 2.5 years later.
So really, there was never a 100% or 0%, but maybe somehow we were both always wavering in the middle? I imagine there were so many days that we both questioned what was happening and why. It has been said here that a good MC is worth their weight in gold, but also that a less skilled one can destroy a M. Is this person serving to make small day to day improvements in your communication? s/he helped you open up and discuss hard topics that you could not on your own? Do they come very highly recommended from people that have salvaged their M?
You mentioned that your wife has Bipolar Disorder and so I am sure you have some additional challenges that most of us do not. I have an adult daughter with BPD and it is very challenging to live with her at times, as it was to raise her. I cannot imagine the struggles of being M to someone with that diagnosis. I am glad to hear that she is going to see a psychiatrist. Some people believe that it is a life commitment to meds and IC, however I am not sure how true that is, and I think it depends on the person. While the DB principles will apply the same to you, I also think that how you measure results in her actions might be more confusing. Please be extra patient with the process if you can. ... I am glad she has the theater though, as that can be a wonderful and therapeutic outlet. My D did theater when she was a younger teen and it was great for her as she is extremely bright, creative, and chronically hypomanic.
Best of luck. Keep posting and asking questions!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Out of curiosity, I checked this forum to see where I was 6 months ago. Wow. The good news is that the advice found here works and in my case, maybe too well. Things have drastically shifted. Between August and December, I started to pull away from my wife and seek other interests. She in turn started to make things better. But I came to the realization I was not happy in our marriage. At our next counseling session in December, I said as much. Then on Christmas day, she had a meltdown based on my reaction to a present she gave me. She attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital for a couple of days. During that time, she did the typical blaming game, however, I was done. I reached my limit. She switched meds and since that time has been completely different. She has been sweet and caring.
But I’m still not happy. If it weren’t for the kids, I would leave for sure. I’m in a weird scenario and very ambivalent about the marriage. Part of me wants to leave, but there is a certain level of comfortableness in staying (kids, financial reasons). So I have a whole new set of problems. It’s like I never thought I had a choice before and didn’t realize how unhappy I’ve been for a long time. I was so desperate to save the marriage, I didn’t stop to think why. She has been controlling and disrespectful throughout the marriage. It was toxic. I do not know if this is a honeymoon period, but I wish she wasn’t so nice now so it would make the decision easier. I don't want to be seen as the "one who left" when she was trying to work it out. How long to I wait this out? How much more time do I give myself to see if I fall back in love (if ever)? It’s like a time trap and it's painful.
Anyway, I wanted just to follow-up so others might see how this can be an interesting journey and thank everyone for their previous feedback. This is an amazing forum.
