My husband asked for a divorce/confused

[TxHubby]

I forgot to add....if you want him back and want him to want you then you can't take this lying down. Spouses who tolerate cheating look pathetic, clingy, and very unattractive to the spouse doing the cheating. Their affair partner looks even better at that point because they're fun and full of life.

If you want to save this you have to stop pursuing him, stop crying, and stop being an option for him. HE should be the one pursuing YOU.

[Lovenat]

Hello and welcome to the forums!! Do you suspect your H is having an affair? Everything he is saying and doing is consistent with him having an affair and keeping you on as "Plan B". He's not invested in you or the M, he is just stringing you along and hanging onto a little of his "old life" until he sees where Plan A is going. Have you read DR yet? It'll help.

I thought my husband could be having an affair with someone at first but I don't know sometimes it feels that way and sometimes it doesn't. I did actually come to him at the beginning when we separated and told him that I felt like he was holding onto me to see if it worked out with someone else and if that didn't work out, he still had me here. He said I'm not trying to choose between you and someone else, he said once these three months I'm paying for rent are up. We are getting a divorce! He said I've felt like this for years, he said there's just been too many things.

I told him that I was sorry but I didn't feel comfortable with it

I'm curious why you didn't want him to go?

I really don't know why, I just didn't feel comfortable for some reason, when he has gone out in the past he has always come back home until 4am and I don't feel like that's ok for a married man to do either. We have had arguments over that too. I've always expressed to him to find hobbies to do with friends where it didn't necessarily mean for him to go out at night to a bar and get drunk but that's exactly all he would ever want to do.

we tried working on our marriage and I started to change a lot of things that weren't working before but I didn't see him try to change too much.

Did you two seek out marriage counseling? If not, you should have. Also read the 5 Love Languages, it's very likely that both of you were trying, but you were trying through your own love language and not your spouse's. This can lead to resentment because both think they are trying but they are getting no acknowledgement from the other.

I spoke to him several times about seeking counseling but he would always say he didn't want to do it, that it wouldn't work. Yes, you are right it is likely we both were trying but I was trying to see it my way and he tried to see it his way. Yes, I do feel there were times he tried to do things for me and maybe I just didn't take the time to appreciate it or thanked him for it like I should have and vice versa. We actually went to therapy towards the end of June because he agreed to go so we could get out of this in good terms but the therapist said there's not much I can do here since he is hesitant to try and fix this marriage.

so he finally moved out at the end of June (but didn't take all of his stuff) and has been out of the house for a month now.

I really think you need to exercise some tough love with him. Tell him to get the rest of his stuff out of the house and quit coming by for these overnighters. It sounds like it's hurting you emotionally and it's not helping your sitch because as long as you let him use you as Plan B then he will not come back because he gets to have his cake and eat it too (we call them cake-eaters around here).

Yeah I know, I had told him before to stop texting me and to leave me alone because it does not help me move on and after I had said that he found an excuse to come over and pick some more stuff up but he came over really late just to stay the night, but than he says I don't know why you don't want me to text you or come over. I do believe I could just be getting used as a Plan B right now because it's convenient to him in someway. I just also don't know if by showing him tough love I could just be pushing him away more.

I have detached myself from him since he left, no texting or calling

Good, keep that up.

But if he does text me, should I engage in conversation with him?

He even said I love you so bad and squeezed me when he said it. He has done this only at night when he is sleeping. The next morning on one of the days he came over he asked if he had kissed me and I said yes and you also cuddled me all night and told me that you loved me so bad. He said he thought he was dreaming.

That doesn't sound right. You mentioned he stays out drinking a lot, is he drunk when he hops in bed with you? Or high maybe?

I don't think he is drunk when he has done that or has been drinking. Could it just be that he misses it? I did ask him why he does that and he says he doesn't even know that he is doing it and I said well maybe you do it because you miss it and he said maybe I do, I just don't realize it.

I don't know if not letting him sleep on the bed was a good thing or not?

You mentioned that it messes you up emotionally, so I would say it's a bad thing. If you're asking from a DBing point of view, the rule of thumb is if you can do it without attaching expectations to it that everything is better then it's OK.

So, I should maybe just let him continue to sleep on the bed if he comes over?

We started talking about us and he said I'm sorry but I don't have it in me to try and fix this marriage, I just don't feel it and it makes me sad but it's not in me.

That's how he feels right now, but that can change over time.

Yeah it could change but it does feel really sincere when he says it.

He said I'm the problem and I don't want to drag you with me. He said you don't deserve someone like me, you deserve someone better. He said one day you will realize that this was for the best. He said he needs to learn to appreciate things and life. He feels like he needs to grow up and become a man. He says that everything started to feel like a routine for him and that he feels we both fell into this conformity. He says that he wants to be friends because it's sad to him that he won't ever see again someday.

Sounds a lot like a mid-life crisis. If it is then things could get a lot worse from here. All you can do when he's spouting junk like that is listen and validate. As far as being friends, it's a good idea to just say no, that's not going to happen. He's got to learn to miss you before he might want to recon, and to learn to miss you you've got to shut the door on all the cake-eating.

Yeah, I have strong feelings that part of what he is going through could be a MLC or some kind of depression. I feel like he is trying to be the 21 year old he once was and maybe doesn't want to give up the feeling of being young and wanting to be on his own and party. I understand though because we got together when we were really young and got married young too. He used to hang out with these friends when I first met him that they all would carry around this bullet Necklace because it was like their friendship pact (kinda dumb if u ask me haha) but I noticed he started wearing that necklace again, it's almost like he has not been able to let go of what once was and he is trying to find that again. I do believe he is going through an identity problem as well.

He said well maybe we should try to have a kid so we can be friends, I didn't say anything, I'm sure he was joking around.

Wow. What planet did you say he's from? LOL!

Haha yes I know, I was shocked when he told me that! It's like he wants his freedom and be alone and do whatever he wants but than he doesn't want to completely loose me, that's why he mentions wanting to be friends a lot. I have told him I don't think that being friends would work out and he actually said with a sad voice last time but you don't want to be friends with me though. I think he is still a bit immature and doesn't really know what he wants because he did express to me that he didn't see himself having a family with me and this was before he said we should have a kid so we could be friends, so it's very contradicting.

I have asked him if he misses home and he says yes. I even said nothing will ever compare to the home and life you have built here with me and he said of course not.

OK so stop saying stuff like that right away. Read Sandi's rules and live by those rules!

I will stop bringing up anything like this, and even saying I love you because that did slip out last time.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2230603

No pursuing, no pressure, no cake-eating. Good luck and keep posting!

[Lovenat]

I have confronted him about it and he just throws out lies! I know what he is doing and I have decided to completely detach from him and just start doing my thing. I just don't know if I should be friendly or cold when he texts me?

[Cadet]

I have confronted him about it and he just throws out lies! I know what he is doing and I have decided to completely detach from him and just start doing my thing. I just don't know if I should be friendly or cold when he texts me?

Good to start the detachment process.

remember you are doing that for YOU - not to win him back.

[SJW]

I would be matter of fact. I'm afraid I tend to agree sounds like an A and he wants to keep you as back up my H has done exactly the same you need to completely detach. You have no kids so other than joint financials there shouldn't be any reason to talk to him?? If this is the case then tell him you will discuss financials and nothing else you are not his friend he fired you from that role when he dropped the bomb.

Take care
SJ

[TxHubby]

I have confronted him about it and he just throws out lies! I know what he is doing and I have decided to completely detach from him and just start doing my thing. I just don't know if I should be friendly or cold when he texts me?

Neither. Be cordial. Be neutral. Don't be friendly. Don't be cold. Be matter of fact. Like you're talking to an IRS agent.

[Lovenat]

Ok I will do just that, what if I see him in person?

[Lovenat]

Ok, thank you, this is what I will start doing. I was still trying to be friendly but even a family member told me to just be matter of fact with him. I also don't want to come off as bitter I guess...

[TxHubby]

Ok, thank you, this is what I will start doing. I was still trying to be friendly but even a family member told me to just be matter of fact with him. I also don't want to come off as bitter I guess...

It can be a fine line. You don't want to be look bitter. The mindset is that he's a person you don't really have time for. Keep communication very short. Don't initiate them and be the one to break them off and walk away.

If you see him in person give him the greeting you give that neighbor you don't know very well but are cordial with...say "hey, how's it goin'" as you're walking pass and then away from him. Do things for you right now. Get busy living as if he doesn't exist.

Human beings are strange animals. They want what they don't have and they don't want what they have. If he thinks you're a guarantee for him then he'll treat you as badly as he has with some of the hurtful things he's said because he has no fear of losing you.

You have to show him that you're the prize and that you're not a guarantee for him. Read up on the 180 and Sandi's rules. Implement them. Don't be cold or bitter. Be happy, but not because of him, but because of other new and exciting things you're going to add to your life.

[Lovenat]

Thank you for your advice! I appreciate it! What if he comes over and wants to stay the night should I let him sleep in bed with me or send him to the couch? Someone else on here said that from a DBing point and without feeling any attachment that It's ok, what are your thoughts on this?