Sweetie, there will be plenty of time to look back and do the 'should I/did he' stuff. Some of it you'll never know. Right now, you just have to force yourself to deal with the reality in front of you because of his actions.
After almost 2 years of MLC madness, I still can't believe that my H doesn't love me or that he chose to create this nightmare for both of us. I have no idea if he feels remorse. But what he feels does not change reality, or make it better for me, or fix what he destroyed.
THIS^^^^^^^^
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
as for the episodes of - "What if"ing & the guilting. They come from the anxiety of so much change and pain. I relate to it, of course.
We imagine what a good life we COULD have- if only they would change/do X", etc...
We cannot stay with someone based on their potential to be good partners for us.
it was a mistake - one which I regret - but then I stop myself from the regrets.
And I get back on my forward path.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just wanted you all to know I've read everything many times and I am so appreciative of you all.
I don't feel I'm in a good place. I am struggling with my feelings. I knew this would happen coming back to reality. I'm working through it and staying busy.
We got home early afternoon Sunday. H was out with OW and her whole family riding motorcycles all day. He came in didn't say a word to me and hung out with the boys. I made sure to be on the couch instead of retreating to my room. He instead sat on my bed in my room with S6 instead of being in the living room.
Yesterday was my first day back at work. Such a depressing day with 3 deaths and one of them the same age as my baby
I leave for work at 5 am and don't get home until 830pm and with the baby up every 3 hours still I was exhausted. I got home and my dad had called me to tell me H was being strange. He left work early and went to the boys soccer practice. First time in 2 years. Then my dad said he was trying to hNg out with him. Kept going to his room making small talk. Then when I walked in the door he said hello and told the boys to leave me be so I could relax and take a shower. Then he took the baby and told me so I could eat and watch tv and relax. I declined and said that I wanted to spend time with the baby since I had been gone all day.
He then retreated to the couch and didn't speak to anyone. I woke up to all the laundry being done and dishes done and put away. He's not done that in over a year. My dad said he wouldn't be surprised if H came home with Flowers's saying he made a mistake. I told my dad I am more suspicious when he's like this because to me I believe it's his guilty conscience ... usually when he's nice it's because something is going his way, when he's a dick it's because something didn't go his way. Anyway moral of the story he's nuts and delusional and I cannot wait for him to not come here anymore so that I don't have to be around his nonsense. I still don't want a D even though I'm filing but I don't want junk here with the way he's acting
So I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I am struggling with the finality of filing for D. I said from the beginning I wouldn't be the one to file and ow I'm having tic go against it. I still don't want to have to file but I feel I have no choice from a financial perspective to protect myself and the boys. I go on Thursday to have everything notarized and he will be served August 16 o r 17th just depends on the sheriff schedule.
Is this the right choice? Should I have him served at work or give him the papers myself?
Should I do it unannounced like that at work. He literally has NO clue it's coming. I mean none what so ever. Should I ask him to leave first? I have held everything off until the house payment is paid August 15 because if I do ANYTHING I imagine he won't pay the payment so that's why this has been the date all lacking because I'll have a little financial sercuritt now that I am working some.
Just looking for guidance on what's the best thing.
Was wondering if after he pays the payment I ask him to leave the day or two before he's served. My dad wants me to just have him served and not ask him to leave before this way he's caught off guard. I just need some neutral opinions that aren't as involved as my family is. I feel pulled in so many different diredctuons. I feel backed into a corner.
Is it wrong of me to still want to have hope that my H may turn around? Does this mean there's something wrong with me? I know he's not good right now but I still haven't accepted this as my life forever.
Am I wasting my time hoping one day in the future he may wake up?
T, I'm sorry you are hurting. This is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. I know, I've been married 25 years. I've really only ever been with my H and thought that we would grow old together. Things were just to the point where we were financially comfortable, kids were older and more self-reliant, we could travel, etc. And them bam. And he looks awful. I could go on and on.
You are losing sight of the fact that this does not have to be over until you say it is over. I'm with your dad. I think you keep your mouth shut and have him served at work. If it is possible to shake something loose from him, that is likely it. If not, then you will not have wasted more of your life agonizing over this. My best friend keeps reminding me that I have been doing this for 7 years. Do you want to do the same?
Have him served and stay strong. I think your guy might be somewhat like Thornton's wife. He may come sniffing immediately. Be strong if he does. Insist on real and dramatic change. Insist on boundaries, cooperation, support, etc.
But, don't do this expecting he will come back. If you do, it won't work. You will panic and show weakness and he will not believe your strength after that. Be strong, be firm. Demand your respect. Show him who you are.
Everyone here is pulling for you. Sadly no one wants to see you keep hanging on, keep hoping, keep blaming yourself and taking fewer and fewer crumbs while you teach those precious boys to do the same.
Plan some outings with friends for when he is served and immediately after. Talk to a therapist or a coach about a script and what you would need to see. I have two more coaching sessions with a great coach that I will let you have if they will let me. You can do this. You really can. Act swiftly, act with strength.
As a reminder, since the work folks are enablers and nail-biters for him you don't want him to be able to lie and claim he did it, etc. Have him served there. Show all of them that you don't need that POS.
First off, I don't know you IRL but I wish I did. Your H is an idiot. You are so much stronger than I am. You hold yourself so well after enduring this for 7 years, I think I would be in a straight jacket
Thank you for reaching out. I feel like I'm getting better at recognizing when I am going down the path of these feelings. It was triggered today by finding out some new information as the plot thickens, it doesn't change anything. H has a regional manager, a guy, who he really likes. The guy is married with children and very successful and I found it weird he was at the baby shower for H's female boss (office manager, works below the guy boss). He has a motorcycle and they all ride together, female boss, him, her daughter, her other children, but again found it weird he was hanging with her whole family like my H was. Well anyway, without confusing you all even more. This guy is having an affair with H's female boss. He just left his wife for her. So it makes more sense why the 4 of them are always together. The night H didn't come home when i was pregnant he sent pictures that he was with the guy boss and now when I go back it all makes sense that the 4 of them were together that night. Anyway, I know it changes nothing but it was just further realization of this 'new family' he has created much like last time.
So you're with my dad on having him served but not asking him to move out first? I have made arrangements for a friend to keep the boys on either the 16th or 17th in the evening (including the baby) just incase there is a problem. I would like him to come get his things and don't want the kids to be here at that time. How should I handle this? Have him served and say nothing and wait to see if he reaches out to me? If or when he reaches out to me do I ask him to come by and get his things? Should I have boxes here? Should I pack anything?
Sorry for all the questions I just need a clear plan for myself. Unfortunately we have a soccer tournament down south like 2 days after he will be served. I thought about having him served the Monday after the tournament so that things won't be weird for the kids but I know that's probably not the right decision.
I don't think this will shake him, I don't think he will come sniffing. My dad said he believes it's about to get 100x worse once he gets served. He's on top of the world right now, he said there is no better life than the life H has right now in his mind and it's going to come crashing down and I'm going to be blamed again.
But IF he did, I would be strong, I won't give into anything. whenever I feel like I should be nicer or more forgiving or questioning myself I look at the pictures of H and OW posted together to remind myself of what he's doing to the boys and I.
What do you mean what kind of script I need? For when he comes at me about me filing? Sorry, I'm on about 3 hours of sleep and just getting back from a birthday party lol.
Thank you for the offer for your coaching sessions, I really appreciate it. I don't want to take them away from you though
T, at this point I wouldn't say anything about him moving out. I think he will start to figure that something is going on. You are about 1 week away. I would have some boxes but would not pack for him. I think having the kids out is a great plan. Can your dad be there with you to make sure there are no issues?
It could well get worse. No one knows what he will do. Like yours, mine gets very nice when everything is going his way. Very helpful, even a little kind. The minute things start going south for him, he is a real jackass.
No more excuses T. Soccer is an excuse. There is always going to be another time you see him. It's like my diet. There's always tomorrow. Don't give him any more tomorrows. He's had enough
File, have him served, have dad at home, have kids out, have boxes but don't help him.
I would love for you to take the sessions and work out with a coach what to say if he does immediately come begging. I'm most concerned that is what will happen and you will be in this for another round, another cycle. I don't need them, I know what I want. Even my lawyer can't help me at this point. And, if I want more, I can get them. Thankfully resources are the one issue I don't have. Tell me you'll take them and let me call the office and see if they will give them to you. Please? I think having a script would really help you.
Okay, I won't say anything... my dad said the same, he doesn't want him getting suspicion, he said it will hit him harder out of the blue. Yes, my dad will definitely be here. I wouldn't feel comfortable being here alone god forbid there was some he said she said nonsense, not that there has every been any violence but better safe than sorry.
I go in on Thursday to turn in my paperwork and have the petition notarized. i had to sell a few things before filing
Your H and mine sound similar in that they are nice, friendly, almost like you would think he is having second thoughts.. but it's just because things are going his way, when it's not going his way or he gets bad news he is a big jerk and shuts down.
Haha.... I always say that about my diet. I'll start tomorrow or the same with the gym. I know what I have to do deep down.
I genuinely don't feel like he will immediately come back. I really really truly don't even feel like that's a possibility. It hadn't even crossed my mind until you said something. I can guarantee I would NOT take him back at that time. My dad has already said he will move out if I take H back so it is not something that I can make a snap decision of. I hadn't even thought of what it would look like. He would have to leave his job. He makes insane $$ and I'm not sure he would easily replace his current position and salary. And will there always be a boss with a willing daughter?
I will take the sessions if you genuinely aren't going to use them BUT if you do decide you want more in the future you allow me to pay.
Oh by the way I don't know if I told you but the attorney I ended up using was the one recommended by Elaine silver that you recommended me to. Elaine called me the other day to see how I was doing haha. So thank you for that.
T, I am SO VERY proud of you. AND I DO know Ownit IRL, and I can tell you right now, she is true to her word. If she's offered you this, just take it and be thankful. We all get to pay forward what we have enough of, and it takes a village, right? She's so precious, and REAL. And remember, I'm only a state away. So if you need me to set up camp in your yard, or be at attention at your kitchen window, all you have to do is say so. I have a lot of free time right now. (((((((T))))))))
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
What part of Alabama are you at? I think I may have asked already. I'll be in Mobile in November for a couple days for school related stuff.
I am so lucky to have all of you in my corner. I wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing without you guys. And I really mean that... I consider you all my sounding block. It's so nice to have the support but also because you guys can give me optnion without being emotionally invested in my H and I like my family and our mutual friends.
H came home early again tonight. Walked in didn't say a word to me but said hi to the baby while I was holding him. Guess that's an improvement. He said he was going to work in the garage but I asked him to take the baby who was crying while I'm trying to finish dinner.
Do you all think he will move out without me asking after he's served?
