24 Mths in..I gotta whole lot of living to do now

[bttrfly]

and I cannot = absolutely can. not. imagine any parent ever saying they don't want their kids. That just mystifies me. I've often thought your ex's issues may have started with hormonal drops/peri-menopause gone psycho ... the age is about right, the fact that her sister got meds that helped her through it at the same age ...

but your description of her transformation... eeek. scary stuff, Irish. truly scary stuff. She definitely deserves prayers and fierce compassion, but again, also both hands in pockets to protect yourself and especially the girls.

Isn't it a trip to sit next to the person you've spent most of your life with and wonder,"Who are you?" I asked myself over and over, did I ever really know him? Was it all a lie? That is a huge mindf(*& for the LBS and a tough place to be. I've found a measure of peace by stopping that train of thought and working on accepting who my exh is now - a man who doesn't want to be married any more and wants to be a hands on dad to our son. The rest is irrelevant to my future.

I think it's a terrible place to end up - a sad chapter to a story that started with so much love and promise. We have to remember though that it's only a chapter, right? It's not the end of OUR story or OUR lives, even though sometimes it may feel like it is.

Thinking of you bud on Wednesday. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

[rd500]

Hi Irish, very surprised to read you had contacted ex. If its not to presumptuous, did something happen to bring this on ?? The mlc ( from what ive read ) can last upto 7 years or longer , why would you ( potentially) open old wounds ??

Obviously feel free to ignore my questions.

If this is for your girls are you not ' interfering ' in their current wishes ?? Again , my apologies if im asking too many questions.

Take care , Rd

[peacetoday]

It should be an interesting meeting and you will gain more insight and knowledge into her situtaion

Maybe try to listen to her-you will know more and that will help you to understand

I ran into my XH best friend a few weeks back
He said he spoke to xh last year when XH reached out to me and his friends on VM and was trying to get sober again..

Friend said XH could not get sober and his OW/young wife texted best friend to leave XH alone and stop texting him ..

best friend who is a sober and successful man was appalled that H ow wife would discourage his sobriety and wellness,,
another day in the life of a mlcer..best friend has not heard from XH since
so my XH remains in the throws of disease and addiction with a wife that wants him to stay sick

[peacetoday]

some things may be better left alone

the best
peace

[Irish M]

Irish, this is really a saintly move for your girls. I've mentioned this elsewhere, but in my first meeting with my children's counselor she told me that even the children of convicted murderers pine for their parents and want a relationship with them.

Hi Ownit.. thank you. It was a decision that was spinning in my head for some time now, on and off.

My H's abandonment of my children has not been as extreme as yours, but while they tell me they don't like him and don't want to see him, they come back in a manner that tells me they were happy they went. While they don't want to do it often, it seems to bring them some sort of peace to see him for themselves.

Yes, my girls need to see their mom. I encourage them as long as they feel safe and together. The girls do miss her.. the old her. They need to see this new person and decide if they want a relationship or not at this time.

and I cannot = absolutely can. not. imagine any parent ever saying they don't want their kids. That just mystifies me. I've often thought your ex's issues may have started with hormonal drops/peri-menopause gone psycho ... the age is about right, the fact that her sister got meds that helped her through it at the same age ... but your description of her transformation... eeek. scary stuff, Irish. truly scary stuff. She definitely deserves prayers and fierce compassion, but again, also both hands in pockets to protect yourself and especially the girls.

hi Bttrfly , hugggsss back

I agree. From what she is now and who she was... its 2 different people. mLc or just plain crazy who knows. MLC fits the mold but she is clearly on the extreme cases. Yes her sister got help but has not spoken to my girls at all since. she is after all D17's godmother. .. missing in action as well. So no expectation from that side

I've found a measure of peace by stopping that train of thought and working on accepting who my exh is now - a man who doesn't want to be married any more and wants to be a hands on dad to our son. The rest is irrelevant to my future.

exactly what I need.. It's the last piece of the puzzle to find my complete state of peace. I accept already who she is now, so I have that part.. the other part is seeing my girls with that peace as well.

The conversations we have from time to time and especially when their mom pops her head out of her hole at special events.. its tough. I don't necessarily defend my XW, but i do know she is not well. Do i use that as her sole excuse , no. Me as an adult I understand all this. My teen daughters however don't. They are asking to see her then change their minds right after once they start stirring up old memories of bat crazy mommy.

Hi Irish, very surprised to read you had contacted ex. If its not to presumptuous, did something happen to bring this on ?? The mlc ( from what ive read ) can last upto 7 years or longer , why would you ( potentially) open old wounds ??

Yes 7 years, So no expectations. What brought this on was weird echoes from her and discussions with my girls.
As per my reply to Bttrfly.., i am at the point I need full peace. Not worrying about my girls deep feelings and fears..Seeing their anger or pain every so often has its toll. they are curious.. many questions.. They also wanted me to contact her. Break the ice to see if she is somewhat normal. i know thats a long shot.

Obviously feel free to ignore my questions.

If this is for your girls are you not ' interfering ' in their current wishes ?? Again , my apologies if im asking too many questions.

Hi RD, Anytime and all questions are good questions.

Completely for the girls with a partial for me.. having them at peace is what i need . It hurts seeing your kids hurting. When you are powerless to help. Don't get me wrong, they are not crying all day and in major depressions. It comes in waves with memories of and MLC mom touches. it's still tough. its one roller coaster i wont get off.. I'm in for the long haul with my girls and this crisis.

what comes from this meet up is only going to move us forward. There is no taking steps backwards.

It should be an interesting meeting and you will gain more insight and knowledge into her situtaion

Maybe try to listen to her-you will know more and that will help you to understand

Hi Peace. Yes I hope to. we will see how it goes. No expectations and I have no agenda. Just scoping the terrain before the troops attack.

I say that because the girls started talking about scenarios and each one ended with them letter her have it. |You see all 3 of us missed that part . She left and we had our jaws on the floor. Missing in action is great. No fights, arguments or anything,. But sometimes you need that to move on.

so my XH remains in the throws of disease and addiction with a wife that wants him to stay sick

that is very sad.. she is keeping him weak and sick to keep her grasp on him most probably. Hope he does find it in himself to break free one day. so sorry you live this. We do love our old wives and husbands.. our partners.. Sad to see them destroy everything even themselves. getting off that roller coaster and not watching the train wreck is probably the best advice here. As you said... some things may be better left alone


with that tomorrow is a new day.. We will see what it brings

[Irish M]

well.. as expected.. No meet up.


It's ok. It was an attempt by me to get things rolling if that was at all possible. I will explain to the girls that she is not ready to hear what they have to say.

It started with a few messages last night.

Great, what time do we meet? I wast to follow your lead on this. She says

I am at a training tomorrow and not sure what time i finish. I'll text you. IS it the same number?

No. its changed. I work for so and so now.

ok , talk to you tomorrow. The girls are aware and even wanted to come. After talking to them I found out they want to vent. So I think its best we meet first, then work together with the girls. I strongly recommend mediation between the 3 of you to discuss all that has happened. The girls want me their but I promise i have nothing to say about what happened. It is between you and them. Once they feel comfortable ,. I hope they will reconnect in some way. Even if its only via messages for now.. its something.

no response, so all is good for a peaceful night sleep.

I get a call from her dads girlfriend. I see the number on my phone and my heart sank. I think right away, her dad died. I know we weren't close but its still the girls grandfather.

I answer the call, He's still alive but on his last days. Asks me to bring the girls rush to be by his side. Now I start to tell her the girls said their goodbyes already... she cuts me off and says. Irish, you are the adult. Before he dies it would be good he sees them. Now I passed my message and did my job. Its all in your court. My job is done.

I tell the girls about his condition, they don't want to see him die, hooked up to a machine in palliative care. They want to remember him as they saw him.

So today is the day.. it unfolded as such.

I get to my job site, today I was training rescue workers in confined space. Several incidents in this province has sparked a demand in training because of a few unnecessary deaths have occurred. 1 death to me is too many.

Anyway, I set up my equipment, sit for a few moments and verify my emails. 1 from XW.

Irish, I don't think its a good idea if we meet. All 3 of you are stuck in the past and haven't moved on yet. They should of forgot about it all and want to see me. It must be you holding them back. Also, I don't need you running this. I can manage the girls alone. I am their mother. Tell them to contact me. I am done talking to you.

Sorry you feel that way, the girls specifically asked me to step in because they feel unsafe and worried about who you are. As you know , talking about what happened is natural. It must happen to work things out. They are going to be very rough with you. Angry teens. Clearly it is you who is not ready to hear all they have to say. The door is open and I'm available. It is for the best interest of the kids. I will respect your wishes and let them know.

They can't talk to me in a manner to upset me. They cant spit on me. They need to respect me. Accept me for who I am.

For 1, they have never , ever spit on you so not sure where that is coming from. To call you out on things it is expected. If you can't deal with it then it's best we hold off. This can work 2 ways.

Option 1 - I work with you, as long as it's in a healthy way for the girls. It won't be easy for any of us.

Option 2 - You can wait until they are in their 30's and they reach out to you because they became mothers themselves and they are curious about you.
Which is what our neighbor did and she sees her mother 3 hours a year at Xmas.

I'll wait until they are 30


so that's it.. she decides to sit on her high horse and let the dice roll.
I gave her the opportunity. I took into consideration that she never was the first to make a move. Thought maybe she is still following her character. I was wrong.

I guess my bad. Lesson learned.

It is for the best however. Clearly she is not ready to face the music of the girls

[job]

Irish,

I am sorry about the meet up...but I am not at all surprised by her responses. The guilt is eating at her and she can't face you or the girls. She can't face the consequences of her actions and she doesn't want them to see her the way she is now. The person living in the past is her.

She won't wait until they are 30. Her father's death (when it happens) will send her in a tail spin.

For now, let it go...you've done all you can to bridge the gap. The ball is now in her court if she wants to see the girls.

[bttrfly]

I am unsurprised.

You did way more than anyone would've ever expected you to do. You did it for your daughters.

Now you know.

I agree with Job, she won't wait another 13 years. I'm sure her father's impending demise has sent her off and running. Her circus. Her monkeys. Not your problem, nor is it the girls' ...

BTW, WTF is wrong with her? They should have forgotten all about their MOTHER turning into a crazy person who put them in harm's way?? And they should have moved ON????? How long did it take her to move on from her mother's breakdown? Oh, right. She didn't.

And the absurdity of the statement that you must be holding the girls back... I have no words fit to put on a family board.

They need to respect her and accept her for who she is? A. maybe they'd respect her if she gave them a reason to do so and B. It's a PARENT's job to accept their kids and love their kids unconditionally, NOT THE KIDS' job!!!!

Irish, no good deed goes unpunished. Let it go. Let that $h!t GO.

I know she's ill, but sometimes she makes me so angry I could spit nails.

[bttrfly]

oh and {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} xoxo I'm sorry. You tried. You're a good man and a great father.

[kml]

You handled yourself well. You can have a clean conscience, you tried. She's clearly just too messed up to deal with the guilt. She's clearly not well, but there's nothing within your power that can change that right now. Just get back to your life.