Leah, what if you thought through what would happen if you did see him. What would he look like, how would you feel, what would you talk about? Would he own what he has done? Would he apologize? Would he show remorse? Would he offer to make things right? Would you believe him if he did? Would he stop seeing this OW? Would there be another? I think if you were really honest with yourself about what would happen, you would realize that you really don't want to see him and that doing so would make things far more painful than just knowing he is somewhat near.
If your H elects to not make an effort to see you, it's because he is ashamed in my opinion. If I was carrying on an affair, the last person I would want to see is the person I was cheating on.
Remember, this one person does not define your worth.
Continue to act with dignity and grace and you can't go wrong.
(((Leah))) I am sorry. Heartbreak is the deepest pain. ... but it never lasts ... And your heart is NOT broken--remember that these are only battles scars, and once healed it will be stronger. As you overcome this, you will be stronger and able to love deeper than before.
These are your words and I love them! Let is all live by them: Grace and dignity, in the face of rejection by ONE PERSON.
Let's not define ourselves by one person, EVER.
This is how we are going to do this. We are the ones the fools have left. And it's THEIR LOSS.
A life well-lived is the best revenge.
I love what Ownit has said. The reality of seeing him would not be how you can only imagine/fantasize. You know that right? That is your wounded heart talking. So you can go and nurture it however you need to. Tomorrow, you wake up, dust yourself off, and show the world youre still shining brightly.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks, friends. I feel better now. Trying to start my "million bucks" make-over for this afternoon. I wish we could post pics. Y'all would be impressed.
And you're all right. I felt so needy this morning, I probably would have slept with him, which would have been disastrous on several levels, not to mention unsafe.
He has not seen his "pride and joy" house since Dec 25, and although I sent him photos all along of the progress being made, he just kept saying I can't wait to come and see it! (And for the record, I believe he meant it at the time.) So, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he didn't ride by today, just to look at least from outside. And if he peeked over into the garden courtyard, he's be amazed. Be funny to catch him doing that.
But, oh well, I won't be here to catch him, b/c I'll be downtown in my hot professional outfit working on a new job, that will be filled with new, exciting people to meet and things to do.
Blu, thanks for reminding me OF MY OWN WORDS. DUH. I'm going now to write them on some note cards and stick up around my house.
I'm eternally grateful for you friends on this forum. Someone's always out there available to listen in a really dark moment. I know this will get easier. I tell other people that on here. It's just so much harder to look inward.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Leah, awesome! I'm sure you look absolutely amazing.
I second Thornton that this is not flat rejection, which is probably how you're reading it. He knows he's made a mess, he knows you're not falling all over yourself to see him, so he's avoiding having to deal with the mess he's made.
I know I always felt the worst when I read H's actions as being rejection of me. Then I'd step back, look at his actions and choices, and remember that it wasn't about me. It was about him. If he couldn't see me clearly or was projecting something onto me, that was his loss.
Quote:
I know this will get easier. I tell other people that on here. It's just so much harder to look inward.
Look inward, Leah. There's a part of you that wants you to see it and heal it.
It may sound corny, but the overwhelming grief you felt - that was your inner child asking you for help healing. There's something that she hasn't ever recovered from that is causing you to feel this pain so much deeper than is necessary.
This is an opportunity to figure out what is going on inside of you and to heal. That's what will really make this easier.
I'm sorry, Leah. I get the yearning. And I get how confusing it is to spin around on the CB/GAL wheel when your H is having an A and you're having to deal with legal/D stuff.
All I can say is that I'm truly sorry for your pain, and that I think you're amazing
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I'm rocking along making preparations to file for D, but cannot get comfortable with the attorney I've hired, so checking into other recommendations, etc., which is taking much longer than it should for various reasons.
H is on beach trip with his mom and sisters over the weekend. They returned on Sunday, but he did not fly out until today (Tuesday). So just on a whim, yesterday morning after his sister called me on her way in to work and told me that he was still at her house, and that he had not said much during the trip except that he and I had tried to work things out and couldn't (?????) and that he had seemed a little down and not quite himself, I called him. He did not answer but texted me in a few minutes and said he had been in the shower. So I just texted him back and said, if you're still in town, I'd love to see you, and I'd like for you to see the house. No hard talk, just to meet up and visit for a bit. He called me, and said he'd really like that, so he came down about 12 and we spent the afternoon together.
It just almost surreal, because it went so much better than I could have expected, but then again, it went exactly like I had pictured it when I thought it was going to happen earlier this spring. It was very easy and natural feeling. We visited for a bit, I showed him the house and gardens and all the improvements, then he asked if I wanted to get some lunch. So we went to the DMV office and took care of a car tag, then when I suggested places to lunch, he said I'd really like to just go somewhere quick then go back to the house and spend some time with you by the pool. So we went by the market and picked up some light things and came home. We spent the afternoon by the pool, had a few drinks, and just enjoyed our time. Every now and then, we would veer off into R talk, but one of us would pull us back. There was still some serious chemistry between us, and we allowed some of that, but I was very strong about boundaries, which was tough, but I definitely left him wanting to come back. There was a lot of flirting, which was so refreshing. We did discuss divorce, and I asked him if that was what he wanted. He said I honestly don't know what I want, but I would totally understand if you D me. He said, but even if you do, I would still want to come down and spend time with you. It felt like to me, that not much would really change if we D right now. I certainly would not go back up north to live if we don't, not right now anyway. It just felt like maybe I should hold off and see where this goes. We both realize and acknowledge that if one of us meets someone, etc., then so be it. He said he is no longer in a relationship with anyone, which may or may not be true. I just didn't feel the need to know more about that right now. What I DO know is, he still has feelings for me, and he even said he loves me and misses me. And I think, for now, that is where I am going to leave it. Just go ahead with my life here, and if and when I feel I need a divorce from him, then I will file. I'm just not sure we are done with each other forever. And while I don't think a divorce will help me right now, unless he starts to be weird with finances, I do see where it could hurt me.
When he left, he called me on his way back to his sister's, and thanked me for the day. He said he's not felt that happy in a long time. He even started to say something about let's look at a weekend soon when you're free...... and I just laughed and said Hold on, cowboy, let's just enjoy what we had today, for now. He laughed and we hung up.
I have no idea what even today will bring. I expect HUGE pushback from my friends and family about the little bit I plan to share with them, because they are going to see myself setting up for another hurt. But I've spoken with my counselor this morning, and she is supportive of me doing what I feel is right for me, right now. Hopefully she can help me navigate these waters to find the answers that work for me, and not let others' opinions influence me to move too quickly. I have a hard time with that.
I don't mind 2x4s from you guys though. And I expect some. That's OK. Somehow it's easier to take them from you, than from my sister or my kids. I know they just want to protect me.
Ownit, I hope you are seeing this. Sorry I cut the texting short last night. I honestly have not been that tired in a long time. Although it was a really good day, I found myself completely wiped out last night. I slept a good 8 hours straight, and it's been a long time since that happened.
One day at a time......
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Leah, I'm glad to read your update. I was a weepy mess yesterday so good thing we didn't talk.
I think all this is great, but a word of caution. He tried one or more people and "is not in a relationship right now". Thus, Plan B comes into focus, at least for a bit. Keep the expectations at zero, less than zero if you can. Let him lead. Do not pursue. No need to rush the divorce. Watch the money (and the credit cards if you can).
Watch out for the same pattern of promising to come and not showing up. Keep moving forward for you.
Happy for you Leah. Just want you to keep that spicy little heart a little safe right now.
I understand where you are coming from. Did you two ever discuss any OW?
While I support the R aspects of this, fully, please please watch the finances. More than you think you should.
Do whatever you need to do so that you are certain you are financially safe.
The thing you are sure of right now is that he is not committed to the m.
So please just check and protect yourself.
Otherwise you sound like you handled it really well.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
