Sotto, I love how you've so succinctly summed this up: he's no longer your husband; he's some other woman's boyfriend and that's not someone you want to be married to.
Yes, I think that sometimes people have to go all the way through with this - D - and then, well ... who knows where life will take us?
And yes, Pax I think the LBS needs it too, as there's nothing like a divorce to so firmly hammer home that the old relationship is dead.
Now, none of us know if a new relationship will take its place or what shape or form that new relationship will take or even when it will happen. But the divorce does seem to set the stage and frankly, I think it re-balances the power. Let me try to explain: The MLCr's leaving is a power grab, imho, of epic proportions, leaving most LBS's wrecked and traumatized.
The divorce, on the other hand, frees the LBS to move on with their life, while the MLCr is often still cycling. Does this make sense re: re-balancing the power? By moving on and focusing on their new lives, the LBS's become so much stronger and frankly, more attractive.
The MLCr is often still flopping about like a fish out of water, trying desperately to fix themselves.
The LBS has no choice really but to survive then ultimately thrive, and often this I think unintentionally can slap the MLCr upside their muddle head. It's a dose of reality sorely needed, in my humble opinion.
And the very best part: the LBS often doesn't even notice because they're too busy living their new lives.
Sometimes people do get back together - it's happened in my family with the first people to ever divorce (my uncle and aunt). They ended up living together again twenty years later. Just heard that my cousin (same side of the family, but different uncle and aunt) is re-married to his first wife and they're blissful. Again, many, many years after their divorce. My cousin dated and remarried, divorced a second time, dated two other women fairly seriously and ended up somehow re-connecting with wife #1 and the rest is history. So, reconnection sometimes can and does happen, but in so many of these cases where it happens it's after a significant time period where both parties move on so these relationships are truly new ones, with a rich history to base it on.
thanks for this post Pax xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Funny you should ask because I had an obnoxious 2 weeks. I had a leak in my apt, and then my closet collapsed on itself (whoopsie- too many clothes), and I had 3 ant invasions that all took time to deal with. On top of that, I had an ear infection that lasted a week, and my assistant got promoted to a managerial job (good for her, but bad for me) so I'm holding down the fort at work by myself. Lastly, my ex held my registration tags for my car hostage and Ive gotten 3 parking tickets for expired tags. Bleh.
The old Pax would have had a bit of meltdown because it all would seem overwhelming to manage (even though the old pax would have a husband to help with some of those things), however, with the new Pax, it all just rolls off my back. In the grand scheme of things i can handle my stuff.
I'll attribute this way of living to the DB approach. PMA baby.
Ok, the negatives.....just for kicks.
My ear infection caused me to cancel some surfing lessons I had lined up, which is a bummer, but I'll reschedule soon. And because I'm stressed at work, I've majorly succumbed to my entemann's chocolate donette cravings. (Coffee+doughnuts=true love). Also, because things have been chaotic, I've only been making it to the gym 2-3 times a week.
But hey- if that's the worst of it, I will take it!
Still dating. I have a front runner who just met my dog this weekend....so I guess you could say it's getting serious. Hahaha! He's super nice and brought me gorgeous roses that I have brought to my office to enjoy. He also bought me an egg genie to help me with my clean eating. Random, but thoughtful and cute!
Re the D- The accountants have the finances so it will probably be a few more weeks before we hear their recommendations. Zero interactions with ex. Meh- whatevs
So, how's that for an update?!? life is just moving right along. Chugga chugga chugga chugga.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
No need to be envious! What I've learned is it is 100% possible to turn your life around once you truly decide what you want. You are in a tough spot where you eventually will need to start making some moves. But I guess, if you take action and then realize it's not the right path you can decide if your next move will be exiting the relationship or moving towards a relationship. I guess I've gotten a bit jaded as I've learned that not all major decisions have to be final. However, I believe marriage should be an all-in "no backsies" move.
If you told me 2 years ago, my life would not only be better, but more fulfilling than while in the m, I would have thought you were just trying to console me. But it is true. I can't even believe the doors that have opened and experinces I've had. My life has been elevated as a result of going through such hardship. I will never take this experience for granted at all.
Life is good. I'm responsible for making it good.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Maybe envious was the word.... inspirational is the correct word. You definitely inspire me! You are further along mentally than myself in this journey but I am going to try to model my thought process after yours here on out. Thanks pax!
Hi friends! Hope you're all having a great week and doing as well as possible. My thoughts go out to all those in Texas. I keep you and your loved ones in my thoughts and prayers. I can't keep reading the horrific news stories about the devastation. So scary and sad.
So, a bit of a non-update vent. Today is my best friends anniversary. She and her h have been married 5 years. I was her maid of honor and ex was also in the wedding party for the grooms side. They are a solid couple who mean the world to me. And today, as they posted their "happy anniversary" lovey dovey declarations to each other on facebook I was consumed with an emotion that was like pent up frustration, anger, and jealousy and sadness all mixed into one.
This emotion wasn't pining for ex at all. It was more of a pity party like "why couldn't my h last 5 years with me? We had ups and downs just like you, why couldn't we persevere? What's wrong with me?
Her anniversary hit me hard last year too. I was jealous. Could it be because we're so close and so invested in each other's lives? I don't know. But last year's was hard too because at my 4 year anniversary, that's when ex gave me the baby ultimatum. "Hey how come your husband bought you a watch for your anniversary? I got an ultimatum. Get pregnant or get divorced. Not fair!" Yep... That kind of jealousy And sadness where I felt completely unloveable.
So again... Just sulking a bit I guess. Frustrated with myself that I let this man treat me like utter garbage for years and angry over the fact that I allowed this man to break my heart over and over and over again. And angry that I'm still working through the emotional fall out (this I know, is a blessing, the process is just difficult).
Here I am 2.5 years out from bomb drop and I am kind of aching to have real love and yet I'm not sure I'm going to get it because I'm afraid of settling. I just don't know. And yet, as we've all mentioned a million times before, the ex's seem to move on unscathed. They don't live with that constant ache. Ok...ok.... I know they have their issues and will have to deal with reality when the time comes... But by then, has all this turmoil been buried so far in the past that it doesn't affect them as deeply?
I don't know and clearly I can't focus on it. I just get these emotions sometimes and it makes me mad because I don't want to feel like crap over this anymore! I'm done. I don't give it permission to sneak up on me and yet It does and I have to take all sorts of emotional stock to sort it out and move on.
Anyway, i allowed my brief jealous, angry, sad, frustrated butt to get to the gym and I knocked out 140 deadlifts, grr... Now I feel like a beast.
Ex, who?
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
well that was a very productive and positive way to handle the emotions. Good job!! Pax, it's just another turn of the LBS wheel. You will get through this in a shorter time frame the the last one. If we all keep doing the work, then eventually these episodes will get shorter and shorter until they stop completely because we've released all that we need to release.
She's close to you. It makes sense that this event, of which you and exh were a part will stir things up for you.
None of us knows the future but I believe we didn't come this far to be dropped now. in the right time we will all get our happier ever after and it will be something and / or someone we never could have imagined. we just have to get through the releasing process first.
{{{{{hugs}}}}} xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Ugh Pax! I’m sorry you had a tough day yesterday. I feel your pain. Myself, my brother and my best friend all got married within a span of 6 weeks. This is my third year of seeing their lovey dovey postings. Like you, it does bother me and I feel guilty that it does. I love them all so much and just want them to be happy. But there is a piece of me that just wants what they have. Ugh! FB is such a pain sometimes! I get jealous but mainly sad. Sad because I think I feel like what they are posting is how I envisioned my life to be or at least what I wanted.
If it makes you feel any better, my W could barely last 2 years with me… so what’s wrong with me?!? Yikes! At least you got 4! I share your frustration and anger. For me, the off an on again relationship was 20 years where she flip flopped all the time. 20 prime years! All we can do now is look forward and learn from this…. Which, by the way, you do a great job at!
I think anyone who has gone through this now for a few years is aching for that real love Pax. We probably did not even feel loved in our relationship. Looking back, I know I did not. And I don’t think you did either. I think you have to put the ‘settling’ thing out of your mind. Somehow, someway. When WW and I would be not together before we were married, I was always worried about settling. And it hurt any possible relationship because I was always looking at the negatives first (and comparing her to WW). It is a huge regret. At least I am conscious of that now I guess?? Don’t worry about it and let things flow. You are going to find a great guy Pax who gives you what you are looking. You are the complete package believe that!
Those emotions are going to creep up from time to time and the triggers can be pretty strange. I remember, one of the worst triggers for me in the past year was a snow storm (WTH???). But you channeled it well and crushed it at the gym. Impressed with those dead lifts, dead lifts rule.
Oh, man, Pax. I'm right there with you. In my thread I'm still talking about how 2 years after BD I can still be "wrecked" by certain things, usually a jealousy fueled incident. At the time I wrote, it was only an hour. But the next day, it hit harder.
Anniversaries, weddings, or just someone talking about how much they love their signifigant other on FB or other media can set me off, too. I felt loved throughout the majority of my marriage, even when it was strained, but my ex always downplayed Christmas, birthdays, Valentines...anything where he was expected to make an effort, as "commercial" or over the top. Often said "why give gifts on that day, when you can just buy what you want any day". I just accepted it. Now, I see it for the selfishness and laziness it was. He didn't want to make the effort. He still doesn't make an effort with my adult kids...if there is an issue, he asks me how I'm dealing with it. Sometimes it takes distance to see the real deal. So, those events on social media trigger jealousy and negative feelings. We'll get over it with time. We're both about the same distance out from under it.
And I hear you on the exes moving on seemingly unscathed as we doubt our abilities to find real love or be able to trust. I met a really nice guy, very shy, but seems to have processed his own D in a healthy way. And another who seems to have his sh&t together who is interesting. Few sparks, but I crave what I thought I had and I'm sort of lonely in that area...I'm afraid of settling, too. But I won't. I have the excuse of school to hold things at bay, but the fear is there. I guess we just focus on making our lives awesome and hope for the best? That making ourselves awesome will attract awesome?
I'm glad you were able to use your feelings to push yourself at the gym. That's a great way to get those endorphins flowing and improve noticeably. You are inspiring! And amazing. Like does attract like...maybe just be patient. Good things will come.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Good things will come.