Job - yes, I am thankful he made the effort and I know most do not. And last time, remember, he was tossing dishes in the garbage and not eating my food as he was sure I was plotting to kill him.
Ciluzen - thanks for the great post. Your advice always makes me feel like everything is going to be just fine. You have such a reassuring way about you.
Sotto - I realize now that I will be just fine no matter what. I see people like you and the other vets like Job and it's inspirational.
Oh Gordie - you have tons of patience yourself. You'll look back on this all and think: how did I get through that?
Hi Peace - ditto! And I am thankful you still post here as it's always reassuring to hear that your kids are okay from all this.
H seems to be very aware. It's small things like if I yawn he jokingly asks if he is boring me. Or, like the other day, I went to close one of A/C vents in his car as it was blowing on me. Only I am never in his car so I was struggling to find it. And he did it for me. It was weird to see him aware.
He's been calling me my old knickname a lot. It's not a romantic one, more silly and playful. And he's been joking a lot. I think I come across as stiff as it still startles me to see his funny side. It's been buried so long. Today he was saying something funny and he laughed and laughed.
Then there was this interesting conversation. He texted me last week to say his mechanic passed away at age 55. I said I was sorry. I know it scares him. Me: "We all have to come to terms with it." Him: "Come to terms with what?" Me: "Aging and death." Him: "Oh. I am not afraid of that at all. Not one bit." Yeah. Sure. I gave him static after that.
Today I had to take the kids for a few school clothes they still wanted. And I think I had a visit from a previously aged child. As we were getting ready to leave for shopping, h asked if he could catch a ride. I said sure and asked where he needed to be dropped. Turns out he wanted to buy clothes. He was so awkward about it all; just like a 14 year old going with someone else's mom. When I paused (because I was so surprised he wanted to come with us) he started to backpeddle. He said: it's okay. I don't need to come. I said: no, no; of course you can come.
And so he did. He started to justify his need for clothes: how he hasn't bought them in so long and how his are in such bad shape, etc. It was kind of sad, like he didn't think he deserved them or something. He shopped like one of the kids. So like my 14 year old.
And at the end he just put his stuff in the cart and walked away just like the kids did! He went off to look at more interesting stuff rather than waiting in line, which is just what the kids do. I wonder if he wanted to experience before school shopping just like my kids do?!? It certainly seemed so. I doubt he did this with his mom.
I treated him just like one of the boys and tried to give him tons of dignity, which I think he was not given as a child. "Hey, did you find some stuff you like? Oh, that'll look nice on you. Do you have enough shirts? Are you all set, or should we go to one more store." He was very, very quiet through it all.
Weird, just weird.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, I just don't know how you do it. I remain in awe. Thanks for the observation on the off the grid thing. It is times like that I realize that, in addition to the NPD, there is definite MLC behavior going on.
I can picture that shopping trip exactly as one I would have had with my 14yo son. Mine still wears the clothes I bought him. I haven't seen any evidence of anything new. Very odd.
I think you handled the shopping expedition beautifully. Yes, he wanted to be part of that activity and I would bet he never did it as a child, so it's one more childhood experience that he can mark off his to do list as a "man/child".
From your posting, your h is slowly, but ever so slowly, moving along. He's still very fragile and is testing the waters by joking and calling you by your old nick name.
You are handling your situation very, very well. Why? Because you understand that your h is actually reliving a part of his unfinished past and you are seeing the various ages as he progresses along the path of his life. Keep up the good work. I know it gets to you at times, but, when it does, take some time out for yourself and recharge your battery.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow, do you have one sharp pair of eyes! How keen to notice all this replay behavior inside your clothes shopping visit with him and its potential meanings.
This is the benefit of detachment. I suppose if you were still on his crazy train, you would have spent each moment wondering when he was going to spew / vent / go sideways on you. You receded into the situation and let him do his thing.
At least you know MLC is weird, stops you from trying to make sense of what's in their head.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
Job - it's just crazy the things I've seem him do. Often I still think of you seeing your ex playing with matchbox cars. What a bizarre landscape MLC is.
Brubeck - you nailed it. I just expect the weirdness now; same as you do.
Here's some pearls. H is back to projecting onto the dog. Recently overheard: H: "the dog is old" (he's 4!) "and he needs to do more to stay young." Me: "he seems happy as he is." H: "no! He's getting old." Me: "It comes to us all, let the dog age in peace." Also he told s13: "I am almost 50, when I am 50 I will be officially old."
One day he butt dialed me and there was a 50 word text of complete gibberish. He then wrote "did you get all that?" (There's a flash of his humor.) Me: "that's the most sense you've made in 3 years." Him: "making sense to me." Hmm. What's interesting is he didn't monster. Last year he would have raged back and there would be zero humor.
The other day I was walking the dog early AM on our anniversary. H texted me: "I remembered first again. It is official and date stamped with this text. HA!"
I wanted to text him that he's a moron. 8 weeks ago he told me what we do is none of the others' business! AND he is texting me Happy Anniversary from his recreated dorm room because he moved out of our bedroom!! It's so bizarre. And I did not forget the anniversary but there's no way, given the circumstances, that I'll be initiating a toast to us. It's like an episode of Westworld.
But, as I walked I remembered that in 2013 he monstered on our anniversary. He was SO angry all the time. 2014 and 2015 he was practically catatonic on the anniversaries. Last year it was just a "Happy Anniversary" text. This year there was a splash of humor. So I texted back a vanilla "Happy Anniversary."
I had a sad moment on the anniversary where I remembered the reception, how much fun I had and the life I imagined. Poof to that! Then I grounded myself and marveled at how much I have survived! My story took a crazy hairpin turn.
Anyway, he sometimes makes eye contact with me; maybe 2 times a week--just a flash, nothing he sustains. He no longer seems to monster like he used to do. He has begun making jokes instead. If the kids tease him, rather than snapping he jabs back and frequently smiles at their humor. Bizarre as this sounds he seems to have his relationship with the dog back. He talks to him the same way he used to do. He "sees" him again and on a consistent basis.
He still obsesses with aging constantly. He's still in the dorm room all the time. I think the wallpaper in his room gets out more.
The other day h was teasing s13. I said something and h told ME to stop being so serious and to lighten up!
As for me, I am keeping busy with my kids, work & seeing friends.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, mine has had our cats a month now with our house on the market. He hasn't even bothered asking me how the house sale is going or when I'm taking the cats back. I find it so odd. Sometimes I think maybe he is enjoying having them as some reminder of the "normal" life he no longer has.
I'm glad your H is being more humorous and less angry and that you have some of your wistfulness back.
Things are moving along here. I am super busy with work and that is going well. I was recently handled a difficult project at work and my co-worker commented that it was because I was a no nonsense type of person. HAH! If she only knew the nonsense in my life at home. Thank goodness I have my world away from MLC.
Speaking of MLC, h has been very irritable. It reminds me of years ago when he was always cranky. And, of course, it's all over stupid nonsensical stuff. Today's riveting episode was over a marshmallow.
S14 has been sick the last few days. Today he feels better and as I was making breakfast s went to sneak a marshmallow and h (who has been gunning for a reason to get mad) had a tantrum that he was eating the marshmallow before breakfast. He huffed off. It was something to witness.
I ignored it. I see him looking for excuses the release pressure. And he leaves no stone unturned as a way to pick a fight.
There are differences now though. He isn't gone long. And in fact, he now returns kind of with his tail between his leg. And sometimes he even apologizes! Whoa. That is big. He does seem to recognize his ridiculousness all on his own.
The other day I bought something for s and h got mad saying we shouldn't spend money on it. (Eye roll as it's nauseating what he has spent on himself and this was a pittance in comparison.) So I said I would pay for it out of my own budget. At which point h downplayed it all, hugged son (!) and told him he was sorry.
He doesn't apologize to me; only to the kids. He wasn't capable of this awareness a year ago.
But still it is so funny to watch the ridiculousness. Yesterday, from work, I ordered s lunch as he was home sick. He was not up for cooking and he's only had homemade broth for a whole day and a 1/2. He finally had an appetite and I wanted him to rest and eat.
A few hours later, sure enough, a crazy text comes from h. He wants to know how much I spent on the lunch!!! He tells me it's a waste and he's all cranky. I swear he wants to fight. So I waited and said with tip and delivery, it was 20 bucks. And then I said, it's all he's eaten in 2 days. So, that's 20 bucks for 6 meals. Hopefully that drove home how stupid this all was.
There is still some jaw dropping weirdness. The other day h walked out of the dorm room with a hoe! He brought it into the garage, left it there and went back to his stinky room. A few hours later I saw he hoe in the garage when I was taking the trash out. An hour after that h asked me where his rake was. I said "you mean your hoe?" And he got flustered and said yeah. I told him he carried it to the garage. And he accused me of taking it out of his room (which is always locked) and hiding it on him. I burst into laughter and told him he was mad as he carried it out himself. He muttered that maybe he was going crazy.
The hoe is still in his room...
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Just trying to imagine why he would have a hoe in his bedroom makes my head hurt.
Is there any history of Alzheimer's in his family? If so, you might be able to use his OCD to good effect by getting him to read a book called The End of Alzheimer's by Bredesen. It's a program that's been effective in reversing mild to moderate dementia, but if you could convince him to try it for prevention, it would probably also work for whatever is wrong with his brain right now.
Re the marshmallow. Thank you for reminding me I am not crazy. Stbxw recently got mad at me over the types of lunch snacks I had packed for my kids' lunch. Really??? I read something that when people do this what they are really asking for is...attention.
Gordie
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
