I think there is a big difference between wanting something and liking the idea of something. He may like the idea of being M with kids and a home, but it's clearly by his actions not what he wants. Perhaps his mind changed as he saw the selfless commitment it required? The way you describe his behaviors and choices over the last several years are not that of a family man!
Look. my H had an A and devastated our M and family too. He did however continue a solid relationship with his kids and he did not hurt us financially with giant/selfish purchases. I know I can't compare our Hs, but I do think that your H hasn't just left the M, but rather acted out in every way that is destructive. I can't imagine the strong confident T wants a guy like this. You gotta know your worth girl!
I know that dating is the last thing on your mind, but there are plenty of good men out there that would love to date a woman with 3 kids and have a insta family. Maybe a mature and has-his-chit-together older guy? Some day you will be an awesome 4 for the price of 1 catch!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Maybell - I definitely don't think that in the slightest. In fact, he was the one that wanted to have children first. Also, about a year after we reconciled I really had wanted a third child that we had always talked about. However after a few months when my schedule for school started getting busier I told H I didn't think it was a good idea. He ended up pushing it more saying he wanted a baby and said let's leave it open to if it happens it's meant to be. Well we all know how that story ended. So while it may be not what he wants NOW. He did want these things without me pushing. Hell, I didn't want to buy the property. Financing fell through less than24 hours before closing and I told H I felt this was a sign it wasn't meant to be. He said no he wanted to build our dream house etc so we emptied our savings to pay cash and still close the next day.
Hi Blu- I agree his actions now and since BD have shown this isn't what he wants. It's unfortunate that this is almost identical to his behavior last BD. Like my grandmother says it's like a flip of a switch and he's gone. She said he can't face adversity.
I agree he's destructive which is why I have to protect the boys and I. Again, things are following the same path as last time and now that he has went and bought a secret phone to speak with his OWs wth the next thing will be to tell me he doesn't have the money. He still never paid the electric but I've been out of town so I'll deal with it when I get back. It's sad that this has to repeat itself again. I guess if there's anything I can find comfort in it will be that hopefully one day he will see what he saw last time. But now I'm doubting myself if that was even genuine.
T, I'm a little thrown off by your comment, "I guess if there's anything I can find comfort in it will be that hopefully one day he will see what he saw last time."
Not sure how that would be comforting. Would you want to be here a third time?
I mean that he will regret his decision and be able to see I'm not this horrible monster he has convinced himself I am. If I'm being brutally honest also that he can feel the pain he felt last time, which obviously wasn't enough, but even if it's just a fraction of what I feel on a daily basis.
I'm also uneasy about the future. I feel like what men out there want to walk into 3 young boys. I know I will be VERY picky and selective because I don't want to go down this path again. I just keep telling myself all will work out in time. I'm anxious to go home and get this ball rolling.
H text wanting to know when we would be home. I said tomorrow. He replied people from work are going for a bike ride I'm going with them so I won't be around tomorrow. I didn't reply.
My dad said he invited him to go out tonight with H and friends. My dad declined. My dad said H came and asked him 3 more times to go telling him he would have a good time. He still declined. H also sent my grandma a text asking if she would watch the baby this evening so I could get some sleep for my drive home tomorrow. Neither of us responded.
Taking the boys to an indoor jumping place. Hope they serve hard liquor lol
I have a brother who did not marry until he was close to 40. He is a computer/engineering nerd, but good looking. Married a divorced mom with a son and then they adopted two little girls. He would have married someone like you no question.
I have another brother. Lovely, sweet man. Married a complete narcissist as well. Has three daughters that he has done everything for. His wife cheated and left him. He has not even dated that I know about in the 8-10 years they have been divorced. He has been single-handedly raising his daughters. His ex went back to her native Australia leaving him with the girls. Awesome woman. He always wanted a son. He would have married someone like you no question.
I didn't have to look hard to find two professional men who love kids and would think nothing of becoming a dad to three more. Please do not sell yourself, or your boys, short. Please do not think that yours is the end all and be all.
Every dog gets one free bite. Yours has now had two. At this point, it is on you if you give him the chance to do it to you again. I don't say that to be cruel, but forewarned is forearmed.
You have got to stop looking for every possible sign that you have a future with this guy. Seriously, he can't pay the electric bill. You are on the cusp of financial independence and professional success. You do not want to be dragging behind you a burned out thirty something looking to take it easy and shirk his responsibilities.
I mean that he will regret his decision and be able to see I'm not this horrible monster he has convinced himself I am. what if he said "T3 is a purple violent lesbian" and told EVERYONE that? How much energy would you give to fight that insane lie?
I assume not a lot...(??) So, Are you secretly afraid there is a kernel of truth to what he says? What would it mean if you really do have a flaw & made mistakes, when you really could have made a better choice?
What then? T3, If you have any energy left over from taking care of your 3 boys and studying and attending school and working your butt off, I hope you work on forgiving yourself. You're allowed imperfection.
If I'm being brutally honest also that he can feel the pain he felt last time, which obviously wasn't enough, but even if it's just a fraction of what I feel on a daily basis.
We all struggle with the injustice of it and think that their suffering would even things out a bit. Feels like retribution, and maybe even restitution, even though it's Not paying us back so much as the universe punishing them for inflicting pain on us. I get that.
But here's the deal. Either he will be haunted by inflicting pain on your boys & you, or he won't.
And if he is not capable of feeling crappy for this, if he can leave his family again and emerge unscathed, then what does that really about HIM?
T3 It's not a reflection on you if he has no remorse and you really need to hear me there, okay?
IMO, the ratio of HIS pain is not the big factor you think it was. I think your h is very concerned with his image management, both externally and internally.
He wants to be seen as a good guy by others (hence the invites to your family, among other things) and he wants to internally feel like he's a good guy.
You believed he wanted the child and new home, b/c he acted like it.
My guess is that he wanted to want those things, or to appear like he did...
And again, His misery is NOT the index for your joy or happiness or your pain. If he gets in a car accident and breaks his leg, your leg won't feel better.
Only you can create the life you want, with more love and more peace. I hope you'll create this^^. IF you are happy, he won't be more miserable,
but he may second guess himself about who you really are, sooner. Sure, you need to want happiness in your life for You and your boys.
But if how he sees you ^^matters to you, then I hope you'll create the life you want and deserve, and which your boys need too. Whatever it takes for you to move forward and live the life you want, whatever motivation it takes, fine by me. I just cannot wait for you to get there as I know you will.
You can do this^^.
I'm also uneasy about the future. I feel like what men out there want to walk into 3 young boys. yes, the future is coming and you don't know what it holds. It's a very uneasy feeling.
T3, as for dating again, there is benefit to healing on your own. To begin the detachment you will need, in order to become the woman YOU want to become.
I'm worry that you are adopting a "no man will want me!!" belief. That's your h's voice in your head.
Do you think that being single means your h's views of you, will be confirmed?
Let that ^^ question sink in, please.
And I'll say again - men over 35 who want to date, KNOW it's likely they'll date women w/kids. You're bringing so much more to the table than you realize...
I don't know how to get you to see ^^ that.
I know I will be VERY picky and selective because I don't want to go down this path again. I just keep telling myself all will work out in time. I'm anxious to go home and get this ball rolling.
Not wanting to repeat the most painful experience of our lives is pretty basic - but many repeat the pattern anyway. They don't learn about their parts in the selection of partner or the choices we made about not seeing some things and focussing on things that were not very important. Don't let yourself spiral and get mired in self doubt.
All will work out in time. I have had to tell myself this several times a week.
"All will work out in time." It's axiomatic if you think about it. You won't be impoverished, and You won't be homeless, you won't starve, and you & your boys have access to health care. There is an underlying theme of fear in many of your posts. I get it more than you know.
I ask that you consider what your FEAR really is, deep down. Is your biggest fear down inside, That you will be alone & rejected b/c - hey it turns out that what your h says about you, is actually ALL true?
T3, Those^^^ fears are based on data that is not real.
As for romantic love and a new man down the road...
Maybe you don't have to fear r's with new men b/c you have invested something with your h that you won't invest again with another man, i.e. you gave birth and are raising 3 boys, you are getting thru school, and beginning a new career, and you helped someone else begin his career, and you already invested the past decade. So none of^^^THIS^^^ will be risked again.
When I came back to DB land some months ago, I was devastated by the "the wasted years" of m to h.... yet When I pondered it more- I ended up NOT fearing new men in my life as much.
Because I don't see how I could be hurt this deeply again. So my risk of a seriously broken heart in a new R, seems relatively low. Do you get ^^^that??
Not b/c I won't care or love deeply, but b/c I already have children and have mostly raised them. My career losses have already happened. I have already finished the main race and spent my "main years" on H. I lost some and I won some. That battle is over. I don't see the big fat risk, other than time. (Hate jinxing myself saying that...)
Yes you certainly should be picky and maybe work on your "selecting gear"...so you recognize the red flags sooner and BOLT faster...
But T3, if you spend 20 years with someone that are mostly good years, and then it ends and you part ways,
will it ALL have been for nought?
God, I hope not.
H text wanting to know when we would be home. I said tomorrow. He replied people from work are going for a bike ride I'm going with them so I won't be around tomorrow. I didn't reply. (Shrug)
Maybe you can Breathe a sigh of relief.
My dad said he invited him to go out tonight with H and friends. My dad declined. My dad said H came and asked him 3 more times to go telling him he would have a good time. He still declined. (Shrug) possible translation - "HEY, WTH? I'm T3's soon to be ex h. How come everyone's not all the same toward me? It's JUST T3 and me "going our separate ways! We're still 'friends/co-parents" and I'm still a great guy. And...ya know, she's okayyy....but never mind that. Back to ME... I don't want anything to change! -- except for anyone having expectations of me...!"
H also sent my grandma a text asking if she would watch the baby this evening so I could get some sleep for my drive home tomorrow. Neither of us responded. hmm. Just curious, what is that request related to? Is her non-response to demonstrate that he's being shunned, or b/c she did not know what to say, or
to avoid giving him credit for his very generous?? offer to 'help' you?" Like he's so thoughtful or what? I'm just not clear.
Taking the boys to an indoor jumping place. Hope they serve hard liquor lol
I bet you do.
Head phones are nice for these types of places. I recall Chucky Cheeses being so loud and so wild that it was stressful,
except then they had pitchers of beer and they cooked, so there was that...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sweetie, there will be plenty of time to look back and do the 'should I/did he' stuff. Some of it you'll never know. Right now, you just have to force yourself to deal with the reality in front of you because of his actions.
After almost 2 years of MLC madness, I still can't believe that my H doesn't love me or that he chose to create this nightmare for both of us. I have no idea if he feels remorse. But what he feels does not change reality, or make it better for me, or fix what he destroyed. It hurts to look at reality sometimes, I know, but it is the only way through this. You and your boys deserve better than a quitter, your family is right.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
4 of my 5 brothers have married twice. 3 of them married women with children, and each of those brothers also had kids. T3, the data suggest you will need to consider marrying a guy with kids of his own. That's more than likely.
So don't worry about what you snivel up to the table with, (along with your boys, you have all your glaring flaws and low self esteem).
Worry about what the guys bring to the table For you, and how you feel about being a stepmom -especially for girls??
My neighbor leah, died suddenly 6 years ago. She was a wonderful mother of 4 in a solid m. She died unexpectedly...and Eric was a widower. He dated VERY carefully.
They took their time, their pastor suggested they take dance lessons as a date each weekend, learning things togeXther would bond. After 10 weeks oF dating, they choose to introduce Erics 4 kids to Debbies Who had one, THEY WERE ALL supportive . I'm exhausted now so i'm babbling.
Good night T3
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You will be OK. My Guy doesn't have any children, I have three, and he was excited to be part of our lives. He had always wanted kids, just the circumstances of his life didn't play out that way. And he's been GREAT with them and for me as a mom.
When Mr. Fantastic first left me I had a panic attack over trying to figure out how to buy a house, arrange for insurance, and make all those decisions I had started out making before we were married but delegated to him during the year we were married. Yet, when it came time to make each of those decisions, I handled it just fine. It was just a chore. When I realized the contrast between what I had feared and how it actually played out, I laughed at myself. I literally couldn't breathe over something that turned out to be easy.
There will be hard stuff and easy stuff, fun stuff, aggravating stuff, proud stuff, sad stuff, and every other range of experience in your life. Some of it will be as you expected, and some of it won't. So just worry about making yourself healthy and happy, and your boys healthy and happy, and everything else will play out.
Have a good trip and give yourself a pat on the back for being a ROCK STAR!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I am another voice chiming in that there are plenty of wonderful men who would love to be with you and your three kids. I myself did the step-parenting thing, and though it wasn't easy, I also think that anyone willing to take on that role already has a big heart so it's a great screening tool.
Have a safe and relaxing trip home! You've got this.
