KGirl - new life, new stuff #2

[KGirl]

To top it off, after wanting to take a break for a few weeks because he's so busy with house and bachelor party planning...he posted a picture on social media of him and his family at lunch today. So it's pretty clear he can make time amongst all his "busyness" for the right people. Particularly after he had originally said he had nothing going on this weekend so we could hang out, before he got so overwhelmed with "busyness". Maybe I'm overreacting and family is important etc but I don't think I'm getting the real reason/he's that into me in this case.

[Maybell]

Are you interested in a relationship where you don't have to chase or wonder if he's into you? Why are you spending anymore time on him? He made himself clear.

I work in a profession where if you get anything other than an enthusiastic yes you're hearing no. People say no in all kinds of ways. They say yes and then ghost you. They say call me back in a few weeks. They say busy right now, call me in an hour and then they let the call go to voicemail. They try to sound like yes when they really mean no. No is easier to hear but harder to say.

If you aren't hearing an enthusiastic yes, keep looking. While you're looking, make yourself happy!!! You've only got this one life. Is this really how you want to spend it? Waiting around for some guy to say yes to you?

[Georgiabelle]

K-girl,

I'm sorry. You've gotten sage advice. I echo what other folks say that his behavior is not a reflection of you. Again, I'm not a fan of hoop jumping and I say take everything people say with a grain of salt. I believe that most men and women are very honest in the moment with their feelings. However, time reveals everything. If you're anxious about whether or not you were going to see him, then something is amiss. Live your life. I'm with G and Maybell. If you want to sit on the couch and watch the ID network and eat chips, then by all means do it. We are only going around once on this planet and I'm not a fan of trying to convince or cajole people that we are worth their time. It's an epic waste of energy.

I promise that when someone is really into you you will know it. Hugs.

[KGirl]

At least I have my divorce/break-up/etc. routine down pat. Give myself a few days to mope. Lose some weight in the process (unexpected benefit?) Write an angry letter. Make a list of all the things I didn't like about that person to remind myself. Go no contact. Unfollow on social media. Etc. I think the cruelest part of this was dangling the "Let's just pick it back up after a few weeks if you're still interested." How disrespectful. There would be a million better ways to word that, like "I'm really busy with XYZ and very overwhelmed. I promise that I'll be all-in on X date and will totally make it up to you with ABC, if you're willing to wait for me." But that's what a respectful, caring, decent person would do.

[Zues126]

Sorry K.

I am constantly surprised at how the world works where people can go from being a part of your life to *boop* gone. Like now we're hanging out, talking, spending time together, laughing, then suddenly we just say 'meh, time for something else, this isn't super convenient anymore' and they just pull the plug. It's almost like it isn't real.

Apparently this isn't anything new. In one of the greatest movies ever, The Hustler, Piper Laurie says this to Paul Newman after he takes off:

I made you up, didn't I?
You weren't real.
I made you up like everything else.
There was no car crash, Eddie. When I was young I had polio. The rich old man is my father. He walked out on us. He sends me a check every month. That's how he buys his way out of my life.
The men I've known...after they left, I'd say they weren't real. I made them up.
I wanted you to be real.

That's why I think divorce is so criminal. It was supposed to be a relationship where two people decide that they aren't going to just disappear. But then I think of another quote from "O Brother Where Art Thou?" when they're singing 'I am a Man of Constant Sorrow':

Maybe your friends think I'm just a stranger
My face, you'll never see no more
But there is one promise that is given
I'll meet you on God's golden shore

Glad you're here K. Hang in.

[KGirl]

Do I bother thinking about what I would need/want if he were to want to "pick back up after a few weeks" (I'm not really sure if he actually meant this, or if it's a way to ghost me without confrontation) or is that a futile exercise? Or something to worry about when/if it actually happens? I know I cannot accept the same treatment that I was receiving if that were to happen, he would need to show respect/care/effort/interest. I'm not sure exactly what that would need to look like yet, though.

[Maybell]

Think about your minimum required standards for ANY relationship. If this guy comes back, those minimum standards apply to him too.

He might come back, or not, it depends on how lazy he is. But your minimum standards are for you, not for the guy. What do you want and need to be happy?

[Georgiabelle]

K-girl,

I'm with my girl Maybell. But maybe think about it this way, what is it that you like so much about this guy? I'm sure he's a nice human being but even if it picks bank up, I have a feeling things work still be on his terms. Like Maybell said, what's important to you? It's not about what he can give, it's more about what you want. And if he can't give what you want, then it's all pretty moot. I wouldn't wait for anything. Wish him well and yourself better.

[Ginger1]

Forgive me if I am out of bounds here, or if I am projecting, but I think I see a little of myself here. PLease forgive me if I am wrong.

I think you may want a relationship badly.. The hardest part of letting go of someone is letting go of what we thought could have been. I know there are guys I have done that to. Heck, my exH was one of them. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted A (not the, but A relationship so badly). I can see that in hindsight now and I ask myself in each R if the relationship I have is the one I really want in the present. Or if I just like the idea of being in one and being alone again is something I dread.

Being that I am 3 months post coming out of a 3 month R, I can't say the only two months thing makes your R any easier to move on from. But how close were the two of you? How much did you really like HIM and the R the two of you had? I know for me I let my guy in some very deep parts of my life no one ever got into. I know he was a great boyfriend and I loved being with him. I loved how he taught my daughter how to ride a two-wheeler and he played hop scotch with her. That we would sit on my couch and just talk for hours. I know I miss him and what we had more than the fact it was so great to have a boyfriend.

That's why Georgiabelle brings up the best question. What did you like so much that you would want to entertain him in the future when he decides he might have some time to fit you in?

My point is two-fold. Is he someone you really truly miss, or is it having someone you really truly miss?

For me, it is both.

What is it that you got to know about him that you would want him back if he were to come back? Or do you just not want to be alone?

[25yearsmlc]

Do I bother thinking about what I would need/want if he were to want to "pick back up after a few weeks"

IMO, no. He is about as politely clear as he can be. Maybe you should accept his words at face value, graciously and cross him off your list.

IF he wants to "pick back up" someday, cross that bridge then...

(I'm not really sure if he actually meant this, or if it's a way to ghost me without confrontation) or is that a futile exercise?


1) it is a futile exercise. There is no "good" answer that will comfort you in this^^ scenario.

and
2) I cannot imagine a way in which he could be clearer without sounding mean.

"K, I'm just not that into you" and besides, you are making him a priority, which is flattering.

But I think to him, you are an option. Maybe he's that way with all women now, or always, or maybe it's that he does not think you guys are a good fit.

What would he need to say for you to believe ^^^this? I'm asking.



Or something to worry about when/if it actually happens?

for sure not something to "worry" about now.

I know I cannot accept the same treatment that I was receiving if that were to happen, he would need to show respect/care/effort/interest. I'm not sure exactly what that would need to look like yet, though.

You said He wasn't showing or giving you what you needed/wanted. Then he ended things with a slightly ambiguous summary...

I'm sorry but I've learned that -
None of us should stay or want to be in a r based on the potential in the person.