Hi Everyone, I am hoping to get some help on my situation. My husband will be 32 years old and I will be 31 next month. We have been married for 7 years, we had been together for 4 years before we got married. On May 25th of this year a day after our 7th year anniversary, my husband had sent me a text asking if it was ok that he went out after work with some of his coworkers and I told him that I was sorry but I didn't feel comfortable with it and his response was whatever, so that day when he came home he was really serious and upset and I asked him what was wrong and he didn't say anything and I asked him was it because I said I wasn't comfortable with you going out with those guys from work and he said yes, from there we got into an argument and I said I feel like there's something else, are you not happy here?
My husband than told me that he loved me and cared about me but that he was no longer in love with me. That we get along and we always have a great time together but that as a couple we just don't work. He had told me the same thing this past year in July, but I did the whole begging and crying for him to stay and try to work out our marriage and he did, it took a while to get back to normal but we did and we tried working on our marriage and I started to change a lot of things that weren't working before but I didn't see him try to change too much.
Our relationship hasn't been perfect it's always been up and down but we have always made it work someway or another.
The next day he ended up going out with these coworkers after work and didn't come home until almost 5am, the next day he said he was really sorry and that he wanted to celebrate our 7th year anniversary because it meant a lot to him (we had plans to get away for the weekend but after his confession it all fell through) so the next day he took me out to dinner and everything was going ok until he told me again that this was just not going to work out. I told him I wanted to leave because I did not want to start crying at the restaurant. We left, got in the car and talked for a while. I said if you didn't want to spend this time with me why would you take me out? So you could just hurt me again by telling me everything you had already told me? Forward to now after he told me that he didn't want to be with me, he started going out every weekend with friends and drinking a lot. He was getting off work early and going drinking. He started to reject me in different ways. He got to the point where he said he was unhappy with me and that sometimes he just feels like he wants to be alone, so he finally moved out at the end of June (but didn't take all of his stuff) and has been out of the house for a month now. I told him that if he wanted to leave that it was fine and that I was not going to stop him and I respected his decision to leave. I have detached myself from him since he left, no texting or calling and he has been the one trying to text me and find ways to come over. Since, he has been out of the house he has told me that he is not unhappy with me that sometimes he just says stupid things. He has come over every week and has stayed for two days at a time. Every time he comes over he acts normal like he hasn't said or done anything. He has even walked our dog with me like we used to. It's extremely uncomfortable for me because I don't know how to act around him after all the hurtful things he has said to me before leaving our home. He has slept in bed with me when he has stayed over and has cuddled me throughout the whole night and has even given me a kiss on my forehead, cheek and nose. He even smiled when he gave me a kiss on my nose. He even said I love you so bad and squeezed me when he said it. He has done this only at night when he is sleeping. The next morning on one of the days he came over he asked if he had kissed me and I said yes and you also cuddled me all night and told me that you loved me so bad. He said he thought he was dreaming. The last time he stayed over he cuddled me all night, I asked him why he cuddles me at night and he says he doesn't remember doing that although he did it right after he turned off the tv. He showed up two weeks ago on my day off really sick from his stomach and I went out of my way to take care of him and the next day when he left he thanked me for taking care of him. He gave me a hug, also gave me a couple kisses on my cheek and than a kiss on my lips. He also recently came over two days ago and laid on the bed and asked if it was ok for him to sleep on the bed with me. I told him I wasn't too sure if I wanted him sleeping on the bed with me anymore because it confuses me and makes me feel bad (which it does, the next day when he leaves, my emotions just get all messed up) and he said well this is still my house and this is still my bed and I said yes but when you decided to leave this house you left everything including our relationship and he didn't say anything. I don't know if not letting him sleep on the bed was a good thing or not? We started talking about us and he said I'm sorry but I don't have it in me to try and fix this marriage, I just don't feel it and it makes me sad but it's not in me. He said I'm the problem and I don't want to drag you with me. He said you don't deserve someone like me, you deserve someone better. He said one day you will realize that this was for the best. He said he needs to learn to appreciate things and life. He feels like he needs to grow up and become a man. He says that everything started to feel like a routine for him and that he feels we both fell into this conformity. He says that he wants to be friends because it's sad to him that he won't ever see again someday. I told him I wasn't sure how I felt about being friends, I said I would understand if we had kids than we would have to be friends for them. He said well maybe we should try to have a kid so we can be friends, I didn't say anything, I'm sure he was joking around. The next day he left he gave me a hug and said he would text me. It makes me really sad to hear all this. I don't know what to think, everything is very confusing because when he tells me he doesn't want to be with me I know he means it but I do also feel like he contradicts himself a lot. He has told his mom and my dad that he does love me but than says other things that contradict that. I have asked him if he misses home and he says yes. I even said nothing will ever compare to the home and life you have built here with me and he said of course not. I know I have not been the perfect wife and all this is really hard for me to understand.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/07/1711:38 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Hi Everyone, I am hoping to get some help on my situation. My husband will be 32 years old and I will be 31 next month. We have been married for 7 years, we had been together for 4 years before we got married. On May 25th of this year a day after our 7th year anniversary, my husband had sent me a text asking if it was ok that he went out after work with some of his coworkers and I told him that I was sorry but I didn't feel comfortable with it and his response was whatever, so that day when he came home he was really serious and upset and I asked him what was wrong and he didn't say anything and I asked him was it because I said I wasn't comfortable with you going out with those guys from work and he said yes, from there we got into an argument and I said I feel like there's something else, are you not happy here? My husband than told me that he loved me and cared about me but that he was no longer in love with me. That we get along and we always have a great time together but that as a couple we just don't work.
He had told me the same thing this past year in July, but I did the whole begging and crying for him to stay and try to work out our marriage and he did, it took a while to get back to normal but we did and we tried working on our marriage and I started to change a lot of things that weren't working before but I didn't see him try to change too much. Our relationship hasn't been perfect it's always been up and down but we have always made it work someway or another. The next day he ended up going out with these coworkers after work and didn't come home until almost 5am, the next day he said he was really sorry and that he wanted to celebrate our 7th year anniversary because it meant a lot to him (we had plans to get away for the weekend but after his confession it all fell through) so the next day he took me out to dinner and everything was going ok until he told me again that this was just not going to work out. I told him I wanted to leave because I did not want to start crying at the restaurant. We left, got in the car and talked for a while. I said if you didn't want to spend this time with me why would you take me out? So you could just hurt me again by telling me everything you had already told me? Forward to now after he told me that he didn't want to be with me, he started going out every weekend with friends and drinking a lot. He was getting off work early and going drinking. He started to reject me in different ways. He got to the point where he said he was unhappy with me and that sometimes he just feels like he wants to be alone, so he finally moved out at the end of June (but didn't take all of his stuff) and has been out of the house for a month now. I told him that if he wanted to leave that it was fine and that I was not going to stop him and I respected his decision to leave.
I have detached myself from him since he left, no texting or calling and he has been the one trying to text me and find ways to come over. Since, he has been out of the house he has told me that he is not unhappy with me that sometimes he just says stupid things. He has come over every week and has stayed for two days at a time. Every time he comes over he acts normal like he hasn't said or done anything. He has even walked our dog with me like we used to. It's extremely uncomfortable for me because I don't know how to act around him after all the hurtful things he has said to me before leaving our home. He has slept in bed with me when he has stayed over and has cuddled me throughout the whole night and has even given me a kiss on my forehead, cheek and nose. He even smiled when he gave me a kiss on my nose. He even said I love you so bad and squeezed me when he said it. He has done this only at night when he is sleeping. The next morning on one of the days he came over he asked if he had kissed me and I said yes and you also cuddled me all night and told me that you loved me so bad. He said he thought he was dreaming. The last time he stayed over he cuddled me all night, I asked him why he cuddles me at night and he says he doesn't remember doing that although he did it right after he turned off the tv. He showed up two weeks ago on my day off really sick from his stomach and I went out of my way to take care of him and the next day when he left he thanked me for taking care of him. He gave me a hug, also gave me a couple kisses on my cheek and than a kiss on my lips. He also recently came over two days ago and laid on the bed and asked if it was ok for him to sleep on the bed with me. I told him I wasn't too sure if I wanted him sleeping on the bed with me anymore because it confuses me and makes me feel bad (which it does, the next day when he leaves, my emotions just get all messed up) and he said well this is still my house and this is still my bed and I said yes but when you decided to leave this house you left everything including our relationship and he didn't say anything.
I don't know if not letting him sleep on the bed was a good thing or not? We started talking about us and he said I'm sorry but I don't have it in me to try and fix this marriage, I just don't feel it and it makes me sad but it's not in me. He said I'm the problem and I don't want to drag you with me. He said you don't deserve someone like me, you deserve someone better. He said one day you will realize that this was for the best. He said he needs to learn to appreciate things and life. He feels like he needs to grow up and become a man. He says that everything started to feel like a routine for him and that he feels we both fell into this conformity. He says that he wants to be friends because it's sad to him that he won't ever see again someday. I told him I wasn't sure how I felt about being friends, I said I would understand if we had kids than we would have to be friends for them. He said well maybe we should try to have a kid so we can be friends, I didn't say anything, I'm sure he was joking around. The next day he left he gave me a hug and said he would text me. It makes me really sad to hear all this. I don't know what to think, everything is very confusing because when he tells me he doesn't want to be with me I know he means it but I do also feel like he contradicts himself a lot. He has told his mom and my dad that he does love me but than says other things that contradict that. I have asked him if he misses home and he says yes. I even said nothing will ever compare to the home and life you have built here with me and he said of course not. I know I have not been the perfect wife and all this is really hard for me to understand.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello and welcome to the forums!! Do you suspect your H is having an affair? Everything he is saying and doing is consistent with him having an affair and keeping you on as "Plan B". He's not invested in you or the M, he is just stringing you along and hanging onto a little of his "old life" until he sees where Plan A is going. Have you read DR yet? It'll help.
Originally Posted By: Lovenat
I told him that I was sorry but I didn't feel comfortable with it
I'm curious why you didn't want him to go?
Quote:
we tried working on our marriage and I started to change a lot of things that weren't working before but I didn't see him try to change too much.
Did you two seek out marriage counseling? If not, you should have. Also read the 5 Love Languages, it's very likely that both of you were trying, but you were trying through your own love language and not your spouse's. This can lead to resentment because both think they are trying but they are getting no acknowledgement from the other.
Quote:
so he finally moved out at the end of June (but didn't take all of his stuff) and has been out of the house for a month now.
I really think you need to exercise some tough love with him. Tell him to get the rest of his stuff out of the house and quit coming by for these overnighters. It sounds like it's hurting you emotionally and it's not helping your sitch because as long as you let him use you as Plan B then he will not come back because he gets to have his cake and eat it too (we call them cake-eaters around here).
Quote:
I have detached myself from him since he left, no texting or calling
Good, keep that up.
Quote:
He even said I love you so bad and squeezed me when he said it. He has done this only at night when he is sleeping. The next morning on one of the days he came over he asked if he had kissed me and I said yes and you also cuddled me all night and told me that you loved me so bad. He said he thought he was dreaming.
That doesn't sound right. You mentioned he stays out drinking a lot, is he drunk when he hops in bed with you? Or high maybe?
Quote:
I don't know if not letting him sleep on the bed was a good thing or not?
You mentioned that it messes you up emotionally, so I would say it's a bad thing. If you're asking from a DBing point of view, the rule of thumb is if you can do it without attaching expectations to it that everything is better then it's OK.
Quote:
We started talking about us and he said I'm sorry but I don't have it in me to try and fix this marriage, I just don't feel it and it makes me sad but it's not in me.
That's how he feels right now, but that can change over time.
Quote:
He said I'm the problem and I don't want to drag you with me. He said you don't deserve someone like me, you deserve someone better. He said one day you will realize that this was for the best. He said he needs to learn to appreciate things and life. He feels like he needs to grow up and become a man. He says that everything started to feel like a routine for him and that he feels we both fell into this conformity. He says that he wants to be friends because it's sad to him that he won't ever see again someday.
Sounds a lot like a mid-life crisis. If it is then things could get a lot worse from here. All you can do when he's spouting junk like that is listen and validate. As far as being friends, it's a good idea to just say no, that's not going to happen. He's got to learn to miss you before he might want to recon, and to learn to miss you you've got to shut the door on all the cake-eating.
Quote:
He said well maybe we should try to have a kid so we can be friends, I didn't say anything, I'm sure he was joking around.
Wow. What planet did you say he's from? LOL!
Quote:
I have asked him if he misses home and he says yes. I even said nothing will ever compare to the home and life you have built here with me and he said of course not.
OK so stop saying stuff like that right away. Read Sandi's rules and live by those rules!
"Did you two seek out marriage counseling? If not, you should have. Also read the 5 Love Languages, it's very likely that both of you were trying, but you were trying through your own love language and not your spouse's. This can lead to resentment because both think they are trying but they are getting no acknowledgement from the other."
This! And don't do like me and mock the entire process. Like my language is service, hers is gifts. Oh boy did I laugh at our differences. But did I actually try to do meaningful things for W? Yeah I tried but because I didn't listen to her I didn't know what to do and so it was half assed.
Yes I do feel that he is cake eating, I'm not sure about an affair but I do think he might be talking to someone at work. I have detached myself and he is the one who seems to text me.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Yes I do feel that he is cake eating, I'm not sure about an affair but I do think he might be talking to someone at work. I have detached myself and he is the one who seems to text me.
Hello Lovenat,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You are so smart to recognize that he is eating cake and keeping you around as plan B. It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
