T, I love hearing how well you sound. Take pride in doing things like baiting the hook, etc. It was a total game changer for me. It was also really cool with what it did for my relationship with my kids. I will never forget putting up a tent for the first time with my daughter. She was ten at the time. All three of my kids have learned to be more self-sufficient since it's just me. I think it's been good for them.
Some of this experience will leave scars, but they fade with time. I've been divorced two years now, and it's been three since Mr. Fantastic moved out, but today I cried because of the letter I reread from his OW, which I first read four years ago. I realized some of the stuff he had done to us and the timing of it all and it just hit home all over again. I KNOW that it was all him -- I was in the middle of organizing our family's cross-country move as he was promising the OW to leave me for her -- I wasn't even there to do anything to push him away. Everything I was doing was in support of him finding career satisfaction. But yet I still have moments where I doubt myself. I could have done this and that better, maybe this part of me was something he couldn't stand, etc. Just like you do. But it was only a blip of vulnerability. It hurts to know we gave our kids this brittle guy for a dad, that the great life we thought we'd set up was a mirage, and all that. It gets better. A TON better. And also, every once in a while, it hurts to realize how badly we were treated. It's ok. All those things are right and appropriate to feel.
What I'm trying to say is, enjoy the peaceful moments and don't beat yourself up for the sad ones. Both those things are right. Over time the peaceful moments will outweigh the sad ones more and more. Rest in the sad ones, don't fight them, and they will pass more quickly.
Keep having a great time, T!!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Don't keep putting spackle on your h's r's with OWs. He "interacted" with them and he lied to you about money and contacts and where he was and
this^^ is what you know. Think out more realistically how a future with that^^ would be.
FYI, I found myself thinking if I had only gone to Alaska (a 3rd time) with H, he would not have met OW (maybe??) and we'd be together Or I would not have gotten sick OR OR ??
Reality check says - truth be told I did not want to go up there again, for good reason.
It's NOT the place, it's that he did not care enough about what I wanted, to give something up. The "in my face" unimportance when it came to HIM giving up on something he wanted,
was too much for me to have been content there, with him. And frankly, embarrassing.
I'm not big on false pride, but self respect is a whole other animal.
I played with the "What if I had been gentler/smarter/prettier/lost weight faster/not pregnant/more pregnant/taller/earned more money/more compliant" GAME and it is wasted time. Self inflicted pain.
My T told me how unproductive regrets are and to be kinder to myself. That I'm ruminating too inwardly, and really not objectively stepping back to say "WTF??? H is a jerk and has been, for longer than I realize (or care to realize)."
So I pass all this^^^^ onto YOU...
b/c it applies.
Lighten up on yourself, and pat yourself on the back. Good God, you have a 2 month old and 2 other sons and you drove 10 hours and went fishing??
Christ, GOOD FOR YOU!
Back in 2006, I decided to go to Italy for my anniversary b/c I knew H would send flowers BUT NOT BE HOME
like he did for our 24th...
and I took our kids. Of course suddenly h did have time, but not the 2 weeks, just half of it in the middle and if we could rearrange a trip I'd been planning all year than maybe we could sukk it up and meet him somewhere and blah blah blah
no way.
NO WAY...and truly that 18 day trip with my 3 kids (age 9 to 21). D9 got lice (and I was traumatized and horrified) and our flight was delayed 16 hours in NY, and they lost my luggage for 4 days, and truly I just rolled with the punches and still have great memories. It remains probably the funnest trip I've ever taken, and some of that is pride and the desire to make the best of it and not try to control the outcome. I had 5-6 things I really needed/wanted to see and we did. (Boom, mic drop.)
Going back 3 years later with them AND H, was not nearly as fun. I swear there was always a bit of tension and at one point h and S, then 21, got into an argument.
I'm pretty sure the kids were comparing the trip before, and h probably felt insecure about it?? (Who cares?)
Our anniversary is this Tuesday and my mom's death anniversary is Wednesday.
I'm making plans for both days and not "distracting" plans, but plans for being with people I care about. Dinner, drinks and chatting (on the anniversary. I don't want to think "oh wow that was our wedding night/honeymoon drive",
but more like "that was then and this is now." OR so I hope.
For my mom, my sisters and I are going to have her favorite dinner and drinks and probably watch the slide show we made the week she died. If we can get through it, it'll feel like an honoring achievement and if we can't, we will have tried. I miss her very much.
But No tension. No fear, just support - and I'm going to soak it all up.
I hope you will learn to do the same, b/c it really does help.
Dear Lord, how did women get through this in our mom's day? (Or men?--might have been more ostracizing for them, UGH)
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think the one thing that is clear is that none of us are responsible for our spouse's actions. Can't control them but also not our monkey. They chose to leave/not talk/have an A/whatever because that made sense to them at the time, for whatever good or not so good reasons. History/MLC/character may explain it but it was still their choice. They had other options!
By not choosing to talk openly about the M instead, our spouses made a shared look at that impossible. As individuals, we might want to look at our side of the M street as part of reclaiming our 'best self' now. We might want to do it as part of choosing what we need and will do in other relationships in our lives, or in a future M/R. A few of us might get the chance to have that shared conversation as part of making a new different kind of relationship with our spouse. That might involve us taking responsibility for actions we took that weakened our M or contributed to someone else's unhappiness or unmet needs. We are not responsible though for either their needs or the choices they take to meet them or the fallout for them from their own choices. In a way, as a reformed 'fixer', I guess it would be simpler if a bit of 'pretzeling' would do the job!
Nope, I think that sounds like a not my circus/monkeys flag to me!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I am also surprised Maybell. Not by the sentiment, but the advice/comment.
My DB coach was a Godsend who never defended my h's actions, but helped me stop spinning. Showed me how ineffective my anger was (even if understandable.)
In my case, showing anger simply fueled h's victimhood and sometimes my anger ate ME up inside.
I had easily a dozen sessions with her.
I'm sorry for that - ugh.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Maybell I felt the same about my DB coach. I only ended up going through with one session because I felt I got MUCH more here and my DB coach didn't help me come up with a game plan. I just got a lot of uh huh and I see.
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope to get where you're at sooner rather than later. BUT I am nuts because I still hope that maybe H will wake up and be sorry for what he's done. I sit here on the lake with the kids swimming (including the. Baby in his little float which is just too cute for words) and think how can he do this again. Just this time last year as we do every year.
I've gone back and forth about posting pictures on Fb. Part of me wants him to be jealous and see us having fun the other part wants to be dark and him have no clue what we're doing. Oh and the boys love that I can do the hooks and bait for the fishing rods. My oldest can do it too but they just think it's cool that mom knows how to haha.
25- yes he was lying and still does. The part that tears me up is how long was he lying for. I still don't think he physically cheated I think he's had someone on the side via text... well now I know since he left there's more than one.
I would love to go to Italy! You're one brave lady going alone with three kids, I don't think I'm that brace lol.
I'm sorry to hear about your mother but I am sure she will be happy to have you and family celebrating her.
Hi treasur - thanks for stopping by. My ah specifically said he chose not to talk about it because he figured it would just get better eventually rather than discussing it.
My dad said he truly believes if I would have never mentioned the flowers or other stuff and hadn't held his feet to the fire we wouldn't be in this situation. That H would have continued doing what he was doing with me living in whatever little land of the unknown.
I'm a fixer too. I just want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to get along and I don't like conflict. I believe in let's just talk about it and move forward. You did this it hurt me please don't do it again, etc.
I'm getting anxious to go back home. I don't want to be back in reality. It's been so nice to be gone and not see him or deal with his negative attitude.
I know I'm nuts but I was dreaming that maybe this time away would Help him se what life he is getting himself into. My dad said it's still not reality because he's at home at our house and not alone in an apartment
Don't go backward. You've been doing awesome. You will continue to be amazing. He has shown you who he is. Believe it, and decide whether you and your boys deserve that in your life.
Maybe I have sounded like it was easy and you should just get with the program. It's not. It's a process. And I, personally, in spite of the great life I have now, and how clear I am that Mr. Fantastic sux, have moments like yours where I want him to know what he lost, to feel regret, to have a moment of clarity that he had a great life that he threw away. It's the result of my anger, not the result of my desire to have him back. It's sadness for all the good things that could have been and should have been. I know they wouldn't have been because of who he is.
Work towards being clear about that in your mind and your heart. You didn't make him the way he is, and the way he is he would never be happy with the same things that make you happy. Maybe he would never be happy at all. But YOU WILL BE. I promise that. Just keep moving forward.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
What makes me happy isn't what makes him happy right now. But it did make him happy and not too long ago. We did have the same goals and visions for our life. I mean like I said we just bought property and had an architect draw up the plans for our home. He wanted to start building this summer and had already started the process for the construction loan. That's where I struggle is the radical change. It's not like I dreamt this life up on my own and made him do things he didn't want. So my struggle is how can someone go from being such a family man and wanting this life to them suddenly not. Or that he just doesn't want these things with ME all of the sudden. The frustration is he has the ability to be what the boys and I need I guess it's just when he WANTS to and when it's good for him.
My family says he's just a quitter. He's good as long as things are good. But when things get tough or are difficult he gives up. He just wants everything handed to him. He repeatedly has told my grandmother he wants a simple life. Wants to not work so much. He's never said that to me. Coming from the person with 3 trucks 2 boats and now a motorcycle. It's very contradictory. I just am trying to figure it out because I don't know how I can accept this change in life to move forward. It's just still so crazy to me.
Planning a baby etc to now eh it's over have a nice life. I'm going to act as if you don't exist and we should be friends and co parent together. Now I'm going to go back to my home state once a month even though I haven't cared to visit there in 2 years and I'm going to talk to all my 'friends' up there I haven't seen in 14 years or talked to since the last time I left you.
