Re: defining what this is, yes, we are exclusive (because that's important to me once sex is in the picture - once it got to that point I tried to keep it simple and said "I'm not OK with sleeping with someone who may be sleeping with other people" and he said "oh, no, of course I'm not, you thought that?"). He made a point to say he deleted his online dating apps. Then he started saying more things that I think have ramped up my expectations/etc. because they mean one thing to me, and maybe something else to him - like when we're out with friends or wherever he'll introduce me as "this is my girlfriend K", so using the word girlfriend, using the word "relationship" frequently, etc. In my mind I start to attach all this meaning to it, and maybe I should not.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Re: defining what this is, yes, we are exclusive (because that's important to me once sex is in the picture - once it got to that point I tried to keep it simple and said "I'm not OK with sleeping with someone who may be sleeping with other people" and he said "oh, no, of course I'm not, you thought that?"). He made a point to say he deleted his online dating apps. Then he started saying more things that I think have ramped up my expectations/etc. because they mean one thing to me, and maybe something else to him - My advice remains the same.
like when we're out with friends or wherever he'll introduce me as "this is my girlfriend K", so using the word girlfriend, using the word "relationship" frequently, etc.
If he is honest, then My translation is that "girlfriend" means "the woman I date - when I date".
In my mind I start to attach all this meaning to it, and maybe I should not.
((((( ))))) KG, you know you should Not attach all this meaning.
Time & Actions will reveal what it means and the more you push this, the more you push him away or freak him out.
You want him to want more of you, you want him to love you, in essence.
I think You want control, and no healthy r allows for such.
Manipulation will not create that want in him. Nor will your fears/jealousy.
Hmm, I like metaphors, so here is one.
Shoving food on someone's plate, even food they once said they liked a lot, will not make them enjoy it more. Indeed, that might make them sick of it.
Back off. Make plans for tonight and tomorrow night, plans that CAN but do NOT HAVE to, include him.
So you will have fun both nights, regardless of his choices.
In time, if he does not make himself available (and he does NOT have to explain why!)
you will see where you stand. And react in accordance with YOUR goals.
You seem like you want a committed LASTING HEALTHY r.
That might not be possible with this guy at this time in your lives. Be ready to move on.
When what you SEE is not in alignment with what you HEAR, go with the eyes. Actions, not words.
Only when the actions and words (sight and hearing) match, can you define anything with some accuracy.
I'd have acted cavalier that he'd use the term "girlfriend." And I would introduce him as your "date" and nothing more. Until there is more.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Twice in my life I really liked someone that I wanted to be better friends with. We were all pool players and every time I saw them at a tournament or pool hall I would go hang out and we'd have a good time. I got their numbers and would send them a text or give them a call now and then.
I wasn't getting as much back as I was putting in. I'd send them a funny text and get back an 'lol', and they wouldn't initiate a text. Or not very often. I'd leave them a message and then wouldn't hear back for a while. Then I'd see them at a tournament and they'd act like it was no big deal.
I tried inviting them to go to a few tournaments together and it never quite panned out. They were always non-committal or said they already had travel partners. But they wouldn't invite me.
I finally realized they just weren't friends of mine. They were people I could enjoy when we crossed paths, but they weren't going to be the companions I was looking for.
Later one of them moved to LA. I tried staying in touch by phone for a while but noticed that he didn't initiate many calls back. I also noticed that when he did, he usually needed something. Sales advice. Thoughts on how to practice a certain shot, or how to handle a certain situation in competition. It was always calling me to ask me something.
I did an experiment and quit calling him. Sure enough we started going a year at a time without contact and the last 3 times he called me was when he needed some advice and thought I was the leading expert.
Took me a while K, but I have learned not to project my enthusiasm onto someone else. Just because I enjoy the time we spend together doesn't mean they value it. And they show you that. In the end I don't want to spend time with someone that doesn't value me.
I'd be curious if you quit pursuing how much attention he'd show. If it's not enough then it's not enough.
Oh, as for the whole 'it's a busy time in his life right now', if it's busy now it will ALWAYS be busy. We all have time for our priorities. Granted you are early in your relationship, but you seem to be making him a priority at this stage in your relationship so when he's not doing the same that tells a lot.
Finally, we're all saying the same things. Look, I love Maybell but we are almost polar opposites. When we both agree on something LOOK OUT!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Trying to stick with the program (feels like I'm back in the DBing days...). I've had a cold this week and understandably he didn't want to hang out with me if I was really sick because he did not want to get sick but told me yesterday "we can hang out this weekend if you're feeling better.". I told him this morning I was feeling 100% better! Ball is in his court I guess? Gotta think of possible plans, mostly tonight I just feel like napping and de-stressing via pizza
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
My years of dating have been a bunch of trial and error, but I learn something new from each guy I date. There was a point where I would rationalize everything. One big thing I learned is if they don't want to be here, then they can go. If I am not getting what I need, then I need to ask for it, and if they can't give it to me, I can't really pretzel myself, because I would be unhappy.
The biggest thing really is deciding what you need. I've been following you for a while and I think you are really wanting someone who will give you lots of time and attention. You did also admit you have a thing with plans and breaking them. You like things planned. Some guys are truly non-committal to that way of dating. They perhaps are not the one from you.
I'll be honest, I get the "needy" vibe at times with you. I recognize it because I gave off that vibe for a while. You really want and need a relationship and that exclusivity and fast. You will know in your gut if that is the situation or the guy you are dating is really love avoidant.
My last guy was the first non-love avoidant guy I dated. It was "only" 3 months, but off the back we spent lots of time together and we were exclusive and used words like boyfriend and girlfriend. He gave me tons of time. He is a firefighter full-time career and owns a landscaping company. When we first met, he worked every 4th day for 24 hours. The rest was free time he spent with me when I could. He went out of his way to come to me. he called and texted every morning and all day long.We went on a week long vacation together and it was amazing. Then landscaping began again. He was very busy, we saw each other less, but we made plans and he actually stuck to them. If he got offered other plans but had made them with me, he would never break plans with me, even if I told him to go for it. (if he was just coming over for dinner when I had D9, I encouraged him to go out, but he chose not to).
Our relationship is over due to some big fundamental difference like his age and him wanting kids. But I will say he was the best boyfriend I ever had.
It was a challenge for ME to make the time with school, kid, and full-time job and me wanting to keep my friendships strong. But I really really cared about him and I made it work. Finding balance in life is a tricky tricky thing.
One thing I do refuse to do is wait around for a guy. I got a full life. You should NOT be waiting around on to see if he will make plans with you. I did that with a guy and it just made me feel kind of crappy.
If you truly want to nap and eat pizza, then do that. If you want to go out with girlfriends, do that. If you want a weekend get away, do that! I imagine you are readily available for any invitation he gives you. Don't be. If you make plans and he decides last minute he wants to see you, DO NOT cancel plans. You will get a good idea of where you stand in life.
Although my last R moved really fast in 3 months, It is good to move slowly. Not give everything all at once. You will find out how into you he truly is with time. But if you find yourself convincing yourself you only need what he is willing to give you, you might want to rethink things.
I would really write down what you absolutely need in a relationship and what things are compromisable. It's helped me a bit.
And tonight I am sitting on my couch in my PJ's watching Netflix. It's just what I need:)
I guess it is all a moot point. I appreciate you explaining your last relationship, Ginger - that is what I would hope for! I got a text tonight that went: "I don't know about this weekend. Listen K, I think we need re-evaluate this relationship. I've got a ton of stuff to do with the house and X Y and Z. Let's just pick back up in a few weeks if you're still interested." Mmmm yeah, no. I'm not some inconvenience to put aside and pick back up at his will. He can't find a few hours a week here and there over the next few weeks to sleep over? Or eat a meal together? or where I could go shopping with him for house stuff? Whatever. I said some of these things nicely and then said "You know where to find me. If you are in touch and I'm still around, I expect to not be treated like an inconvenience"
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I'm sorry KGirl, he's clearly backing away. I would accept that the R with him is pretty much over...or if not he wants to keep things at a more casual level - which may not be what you want?
Take care, and always remember it is never worth pursuing someone who isn't that into you. You are worth a great deal more than that!
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It seems clear where I stand with this guy. He can obviously make time for things that are important to him. He spent the last two weekends with his immediate family "just hanging out" to the point where he had no time for me either weekend. And saw his one sister again this past Thursday (but not me at all this week). So obviously I am fairly low on the list of priorities.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
It seems clear where I stand with this guy. He can obviously make time for things that are important to him. He spent the last two weekends with his immediate family "just hanging out" to the point where he had no time for me either weekend. And saw his one sister again this past Thursday (but not me at all this week). So obviously I am fairly low on the list of priorities.
I'm very sorry this happened. But yes, the reality is, you are low on his list of priorities. His family and his home are coming first right now. But that is in no way a reflection of YOU. It is just really where he is in life right now. And that is not what you want, so he is not for you.
Another one of antecdotes. My BF before the last one was long distance. I did all the driving, I went to him. His work always came first and he came first too. he claimed to love me, but it was only when I took the 3 hour drive to see him and I was THERE. I told him I needed to see more effort and he wouldn't give it. So, it was over. This guy was automatically in an R with a new girl right away and they have been together for over a year. She's right there available for him. I know it is not what I wanted in my life. I don't want something to be a convenient accesspry around that molds into someone elses lifestyle. This guy, BTW, will still say to this day, I was the best R he ever had. Only the best R he ever had isn't a priority for him.
When you have someone truly ready, you'll know it.
