Ya I am just trying to fix my contributions. I have spent time talking with my grandma, who loved H dearly, about everything.
She said , since he likes the word done so much, he can see how 'done' I am with him. He has sent her several messages asking if she's having a good time with the kids and she has not responded to the messages. They used to talk via text maybe one or two times a week before BD.
She's an old fashioned girl. She said that there's no reason a husband or man for that fact leaves his wife when she's just had a baby. She said her biggest thing is he has to do it when I was 8 months pregnant. Also the fact that he's done it before. She said he should have been humble and had been given the gift of a lifetime. She said everyone can be a better wife and everyone goes through tough times but you don't make permanent decisions based on temporary issues. My pregnancy was really rough and add school kids work etc in and I see what happened. She said the reason we haven't had an issue since he came back was because I didn't bring up the past and we didn't face any challenges what so ever to have a problem about. But that as soon as life got a little tough he quit. Thank god I wasn't sick with a terminal illness or had a tragic accident etc.
She gets so frustrated with me wondering COULD a I have done something different... I fight those feelings everyday. If I did this would we have been okay right now. She keeps telling me NO. He is a quitter and it's easier to walk away.
I think he got the picture of my lack of responses to him. He's now texting the boys instead of me... S9 said I only respond to him if I need something .. I had to quietly laugh. I still make them call. Like last night they didn't want to but once they got on the phone they wer fine. S9 doesn't want much to do with him. He remembers last BD and those of you who were here for that remember how terrible H was to the boys. S6 luckily doesn't remember.
Train- I am going to stay through the weekend if you're around
I only told you all that to say that Yes they can behave in ways we find shocking.
Yes they can plan witout us knowing and yes they can have a ton of cognitive dissonance.
Yes they can change without us really knowing when or why, and or they have hidden their true selves well, and or we were blind, and or all of the above -
but what matters at this time is what You are doing.
Eventually, my h & his inner restlessness became THE priority in our family, in some form or another. Whereas I now see that we became pretty much an option for him.
Only when it "glowed in the dark" publicly, (& when I really needed him), did I awaken to the reality that he just wasn't that into me, our marriage or family time. I'm Not saying he had NO feelings, just not as many as he has for himself.
I have mixed feelings about some of DBing. The part about GAL and Detachment are gold.
Owning our own parts in marital issues is fair, too. Way too much victimhood goes on, and anger that has already hurt m's often pollutes the kids. So there's a lot of good work going on.
But there is a lot of projection of Guilt/shame onto WASs' - that I am not sure applies nearly as often as we wish/hope/believe.
Plus, if a spouse who feels guilt/shame - still behaves miserably, what difference does it make how they FEEL?
We have to react according to their actions, and literally nothing else.
Protect yourself and your kids T3. Be in your survival mode now.
Deal with the "Why" later and maybe later, you won't care as much about why.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I also thought what Maybe said was wise "Too soon to look backwards, T. You don't have any perspective yet. Get through this first and then look backwards."
Your H and mine decided to end the M rather than address its' weak spots. Were there some? Probably. But right now, his actions mean what you or he did IN your marriage is no longer relevant. It might matter to you down the line to reflect on things you would do differently before your next relationship, with him or anyone else. But right now his actions mean that the situation on the table is his decision to walk away and how you protect your family from how he has done it.
My H was my husband and my best friend. Then he decided to become my enemy, someone who didn't care about my thoughts or feelings, or what the impact of his choices would be on me, who showed no remorse. It was bewildering to me. It is still very puzzling, but it doesn't change the fact that this is who he has chosen to be now. And, like you, that is the situation I need to deal with the best I can.
You obviously come from a line of strong, smart women, T. It is early days and you are doing fantastically well.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I pay the phone bill... H went and got a new one the morning after meeting with my friend. This is mind reading but I know he's trying to cover his tracks. This is EXACTLY what he did last time after he found out people told me they saw him with the last OW. He had to go and get a new phone. H has no idea I have access to checking the phone bill and I've never mentioned anything I saw to him.
So long story short. Should I just cancel his line since. I know he's got another phone. If he has a new phone there's no need for me to be paying for his phone too.
So should I just cancel it today? I can suspend the line without having to pay the cancellation fee. I was going to suspend it until Christmas and then get S9 a phone and add the line to his new phone this way I have a way to contact him. We originally had told him no phone until middle school but I would feel better him having one if he's going to be gone with his dad this way I don't have to contact his dad to check on the boys including the baby.
I pay the phone bill... H went and got a new one the morning after meeting with my friend. This is mind reading but I know he's trying to cover his tracks.
Yes he is. And does his contacting OWs make a legal or financial difference to this?
My h got a new phone in June of 2016 and incredibly, I did not grasp the implications until a MONTH AGO! I believed his explanation about his need for a new phone (while I was still paying his off on my credit card... )
Would it have made a difference? Yes in the sense that I would not have waited till I was suddenly hospitalized to notice he was not present for me & that he had one foot out the door, and I would have wondered why that was...
This is EXACTLY what he did last time after he found out people told me they saw him with the last OW. He had to go and get a new phone. H has no idea I have access to checking the phone bill and I've never mentioned anything I saw to him. does that^^ mean you can check the phone he just got? IF SO, ask yourself if there is any constructive purpose to do so.
So long story short. Should I just cancel his line since. I know he's got another phone. If he has a new phone there's no need for me to be paying for his phone too. Isn't the real reason you want to cancel is to exert some control in a situation that feels out of your control? A part of me thinks this about your need to show him you are "not stupid".
Would it really save you money, or is this a family package?
What is your goal? If it saves YOU money, by all means cancel it as long as you don't show all your cards.
So should I just cancel it today? I can suspend the line without having to pay the cancellation fee. I was going to suspend it until Christmas and then get S9 a phone and add the line to his new phone this way I have a way to contact him. lots of thought and attempts to control are in this^^^ and I don't really get it. "Suspend until Christmas..." What? "have a Way to contact" - your h? If he has a phone number, new or old, why not use that number? Your son? I'm confused.
We originally had told him no phone until middle school but I would feel better him having one if he's going to be gone with his dad this way I don't have to contact his dad to check on the boys including the baby.
okay as to the phone for your son, but what does that have to do with your h's new phone?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My only thought was it will save me money. My dad said to cancel it after he's served so that's probably what I'll do. 80 bucks won't be a big deal for one more month. But I need to cut down where I can.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
IRT the phone 25 --- sorry if it was confusing. I DO NOT have access to the new phone.
I only have access to his current phone that's on our plan. When I said I would suspend it until Christmas that meant it would save me from paying on the phone because it's under contract til Christmas. Then I would apply the line to S9 so that he has a phone. Then I will be able to contact him if need be to check on him etc rather then me having to contact H asking how the kids are or to talk to them. If S9 has his own phone he can call me without having to involve H.
Not much to report. I posted the conversations or I guess responses I gave to H over the last couple days. Yesterday I didn't hear nearly as much so I think he was getting the point of me being uninterested. He called early last night around 830 and I sent JT to voicemail. Sent him a text -'out watching the game, it's loud here I'll have them call later' I had them call and I didn't get on the phone as usual. Haven't heard a word today so I guess that act only went on for a few short days. He's so strange. One day wishing me a goodnight and glad that I'm having fun with smiley faces then the next as if we don't exist. It doesn't bother me it's just an observation.
My dad said he's still been coming to the house. He's asked my dads most nights if he wants to get dinner. My dad declines. My dad said H came to tell him to have a good day at work today before he left this morning. So strange.
MIL has been reaching out to me but I haven't responded. I let her know about H staying the night out and what not. She was upset and angry bout said it's not her place to get involved. After reading an article on CL about parents, especially the mom, of an H like mine I am going to follow her advice which is NC. It's disappointing. Evans's last BD MIL went NC with H due to his actions but she said she can't do that again. Oh well.
I feel so strange lately. I think it's because I don't have to see H or feel uncomfortable around him. What he's doing isn't shoved in my face everyday. I still think Of him but like I said I don't even know what us being together would look like anymore. I can't envision is together but I can't envisioned m my life divorced either.
I'm sure I will be very emotional once he gets served and he moved out for good because it will be the book closing. Everyone tells me I can't take him back again. That he's embarrassed me and disgraced me twice now. I'm starting to doubt myself some. Like maybe I pushed him away and maybe I could have done things different. Maybe he was only having an EA? I don't know. In my brain I know this is untrue. I wasn't monstrous and there wasn't anything crazy I did for him to pull away so hard at 8 months pregnant and buy a motorcycle. Anyway, I'm rambling at this point.
The boys are having a great time and my dad said he's going to buy a place up here for us to vacation oh and I tied a hook and baited the line for the first time today. All the things I'm going to have to learn to do now. Haha , tomorrow I'll be driving the boat by myself eek watch for us on the news lol
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