If your goal is to shake them out of the fog, then you arent doing it right. The only ones that can control what you are asking is the WAS.
The best thing you can do is to be the best you that you can be. They may or may not come out of the fog, but if they do, then youll be in a great position to where your improvements will be noticed.
What am I doing wrong? I didn't show any concern other than what may come my way.
Quote:
The best thing you can do is to be the best you that you can be. They may or may not come out of the fog, but if they do, then youll be in a great position to where your improvements will be noticed.
If this is the case, then why not just have a self-improvement board? I also read and agree that w's unhappiness is her own and not necessarily due to me.
I see lots of advice on how to react, how to behave, yet it is all for not?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I see lots of advice on how to react, how to behave, yet it is all for not?
There is no magic cure, pill or formular. This site is much about self-improvement, also a place to vent and share your story, to get input and most of all, for support.
If you follow the advice you recieve here, you still might not reconsile with your spouse. But you'll certainly move forward as a better you. And that's not half bad, is it?
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
I see lots of advice on how to react, how to behave, yet it is all for not?
There is no magic cure, pill or formular. This site is much about self-improvement, also a place to vent and share your story, to get input and most of all, for support.
If you follow the advice you recieve here, you still might not reconsile with your spouse. But you'll certainly move forward as a better you. And that's not half bad, is it?
Its also a place to learn about marriage, relationships, love, boundaries, and other important information about marriage and life. A self improvement website does not seem to do that IMHO.
I see lots of advice on how to react, how to behave, yet it is all for not?
It was a rhetorical question. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/01/1710:04 AM. Reason: fix quote
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
If you go all the way through all the LBS threads, there are a list of rules. Here: Check out #10. Its done now, but in the past you should have insisted on transparency and then you would know whether she is in an A or not. If she brings up the R conversation again (only if SHE does), then I'd casually mention how this seems eerily similar to when she had an A and ask if she is having one.
Prior to reading threads about Affairs, I was inclined to think the same thing as you. I'm not so sure now. Obviously you call though. Anyway, the rules arer a little different with an A, so I'd keep trying to see if she is in one. My sitch is very complicated, but if she is only a WAW its harder to figure out how to act IMO.
not to nitpick but I think it's very important to realize there are NO "RULES",
these are All just guidelines.
It concerns me to see the "rules" hammered so much, b/c it feels like a bandaid.
Monitor for what is working & not working, do more of the first and less/none of the latter.
That, and becoming the person YOU want to become are the two prongs of this approach.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I see lots of advice on how to react, how to behave, yet it is all for not?
It was a rhetorical question. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
How are your GAL? It's the only way to detach that I know of. Seriously.
And detachment helps you no matter what your w does/feels/thinks
and it helps you as a dad, too. Which means your kids will be better off.
Keep at this
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
As for GAL. I've always kind of had an L. I golf, have cigar friends, started playing guitar a few years ago. Take my Ds on dates. All supported by the W. We go out to eat often, alone and with family.
I know this sounds self-serving and I am far from perfect, but W says she is just not happy, taking inventory of all past setbacks and disappointments and friends death, daughter leaving for college. If there is something I'm doing or not, she can't tell me what it is. Says that I use the computer too much while she plays games on her phone.
Her lack of happiness is not my responsibility, nor could I change it. If I could, I would. She never even seemed unhappy. MLC? Problem is last time this came up 4 years ago she handled it with an EA.
One thing I could do is better is detach. I base my happiness on the response I'm getting from her and others. All the negative affects of not detaching.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
not to nitpick but I think it's very important to realize there are NO "RULES",
Then what are Sandi2's 37 Rules?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
What am I doing wrong? I didn't show any concern other than what may come my way.
Quote:
The best thing you can do is to be the best you that you can be. They may or may not come out of the fog, but if they do, then youll be in a great position to where your improvements will be noticed.
If this is the case, then why not just have a self-improvement board? I also read and agree that w's unhappiness is her own and not necessarily due to me.
I see lots of advice on how to react, how to behave, yet it is all for not?
For me, I learned two things here:
1) what I could do to not make my overall situation worse - for example, the 37 rules are designed to help you to stop digging the hole that you had been for days/weeks/months. It gets you to stop doing behaviors that arent working. While these things seem common sense now, at the moment, I didnt have the wherewithal to do any of them.
2) It got me to focus on the things I could control - myself and my relationships with my family, friends, coworkers, children, and yes, even my now ex - and figure out what I wanted those things to look like. I looked at myself to understand how I ws behaving and sought to fix the areas that I felt needed repair. While I started out doing that as a way to get my ex back, I quickly realized that those endeavors were like pushing on a string.
Yes, there are surely other sites that can also help with #2. But I think this site does a great job of blending the two.
