Finding my way out of the dark - Part 3

[Holding]

More craziness yesterday from the W.

I thought we had resolved the financial issue, but she went off the rails based on a few texts I sent her (questions about details), and took on a really nasty tone with me. I eventually had to call her to say we really needed to talk this through and get it resolved. So we agreed to talk in the evening.

When we did talk later, she was full of snide comments, snapping at me and trying to provoke me. She mentioned me "hacking" into her phone a few times, and made comments about how I don't trust her at all ("I'm not screwing you over, Holding") since I wanted to double check the numbers for the finances. I told her that her behavior wasn't helping our situation, but in retrospect I realize I should have just walked out the room. We eventually resolved it and agreed on the finances.

Later in the night she came into my room (the MBR) and said we needed to work on our communication. I thought that was ironic. She says I've been horrible to her, and it's caused her to react badly to me (when what I've really been doing is just not talking to her or looking at her). She said we have to find a way to get along better if we're going to live in the same house until the D is final. She told me she has at least 2 panic attacks a week.

She tried to talk about other stuff (time splitting with the kids, selling the house), and I said I wasn't ready to talk about it. When she corners me in my room, it's honestly hard to end the conversation. I suppose I can just get up and go in another room. I need to work on that. Any suggestions on other ways I can end these conversations at home?

I was looking at my tablet and not giving her my full attention, so she eventually got up and walked out. In the doorway she turned around and told me good night, and I didn't respond, still looking at my tablet. Telling me good night was weird, considering she hasn't said that to me in about 3 weeks.

It seems like W is desperate to get me to interact with her. It's almost like W is trying to engineer ways to get me to talk to her. Not text or email, but real conversation, either on the phone or face to face. It's like she thinks any attention she gets from me, even negative attention, is a good thing.

Meh, maybe too much mind reading on my part. She probably just wants to soften me up for the D.

[doodler]

holding,

If it's any consolation, my wife (now XW) became so nutty and entitled that she actually screwed herself over on mediation day. It's difficult to deal with the irrational comments and behavior, but you may find that the craziness can present opportunities as well.

[Holding]

Thanks, doodler. Hopefully I can make it through the craziness to get to those opportunities.

Just feeling sort of down today. Home alone, and random things are triggering emotions. This would be SO MUCH easier without kids. I wonder if living in this house would be healthy for me post-D, even though it may be in the best interest of my boys.

The selfishness and detachment of W is just staggering. None of this makes sense. I still don't have a good grip on why this is happening. I keep cooking up mental scenarios that might explain it, and I realize it's not healthy for me.

[Holding]

Made some progress later in the day yesterday by getting out the house and seeing a movie. Though I went by myself, I had a good time. Being comfortable in my own skin, without having someone else around, is a goal of mine.

But I wonder if I'm running from my emotions. Should I just stay at home and have a moping day so I can get it out of my system?

Last night I was watching Game of Thrones in the living room, and W unexpectedly came to join me since she can't watch it in her room. I agreed to rewind it a bit so she could watch it. But I just felt uncomfortable through the whole thing. The banter about the show was much less than last time, but she did make a few comments that I minimally responded to. My stomach actually started hurting halfway through. That usually doesn't happen to me, and I wonder if my body was trying to tell me to cut the cr*p and stop torturing myself. At the end of the episode she said she would be watching it next weekend in the living room, and I could watch it with her if I wanted.

I think this coming weekend I'll try to go skydiving again. I think I need to step up the GAL and get my head straightened out.

[dusty70]

But I wonder if I'm running from my emotions. Should I just stay at home and have a moping day so I can get it out of my system?

For me moping around does absolutely no good, as much as I try to get out and do things this emotion runs in my head from time to time. When this occurs I just put on some music and go on a walk, that usually does it.

I think this coming weekend I'll try to go skydiving again. I think I need to step up the GAL and get my head straightened out.

Why the skydiving, why jump out of a perfectly good aircraft?? I don't get it. I would much rather have a one man water balloon fight than go skydiving! lol. To each is own, have fun, be safe.

[doodler]

But I wonder if I'm running from my emotions. Should I just stay at home and have a moping day so I can get it out of my system?

holding,

I think one of the biggest issues for the LBS is the never-ending rumination. I think that's one of the reasons GAL is so important. If you can keep your mind focused on other things, you'll feel much better.

I did a lot of home improvement projects. On the weekends, if my sons weren't around, I'd work from dawn until dusk. On weekdays, I'd work from the time I got home until it was dark. There was a huge payoff; I felt good about myself, I increased the value of my house, and I learned a lot of new skills.

I've continued doing the projects because they're so rewarding. I just built a coffee table from some rough-cut cedar that I had leftover from another project. It has cast iron legs that I bought at Hobby Lobby (for half price). The coffee table was inexpensive and fun to build and it's unique and one-of-a-kind. What could be better?

I could go on-and-on, but you get the idea...

[AnotherStander]

Holding, I agree with Dusty and Doodler on GAL versus being all depressed at home. The answer is always GET OUT! Anything to take your mind off your sitch. I mean yes, you do want to grieve and get that through your system so don't fight the grief. But from my personal experience, sitting at home just made the grief so much worse. When I got out and did stuff I was still sad and depressed, but at least I was distracted. Each time I got out it got better, and eventually I started enjoying it. You will too.

("I'm not screwing you over, Holding") since I wanted to double check the numbers for the finances. I told her that her behavior wasn't helping our situation, but in retrospect I realize I should have just walked out the room. We eventually resolved it and agreed on the finances.

My W did something similar, she came up with these numbers during the D that made no sense at all. I asked her to sit down and review it with me and she went ballistic, told me the lawyers could just fight it out in court. On the one hand I would tell you to just try and explain to her that you just don't understand and would like to discuss it, it has nothing to do with you not trusting her. But on the other hand having done exactly that myself, I know it doesn't always work. Being calm, rational and practicing good validation can defuse the situations most of the time. But other times it's like trying to put out a forest fire with a glass of water, LOL!

Later in the night she came into my room (the MBR) and said we needed to work on our communication. I thought that was ironic. She says I've been horrible to her, and it's caused her to react badly to me (when what I've really been doing is just not talking to her or looking at her). She said we have to find a way to get along better if we're going to live in the same house until the D is final. She told me she has at least 2 panic attacks a week.

She tried to talk about other stuff (time splitting with the kids, selling the house), and I said I wasn't ready to talk about it. When she corners me in my room, it's honestly hard to end the conversation. I suppose I can just get up and go in another room. I need to work on that. Any suggestions on other ways I can end these conversations at home?

I was looking at my tablet and not giving her my full attention, so she eventually got up and walked out.

So if I understand correctly, she wanted to talk to you about communication and you ignored her and kept your attention on your tablet. Basically you are reinforcing her belief that you are the problem with communications, and that D really is the only answer because when she points out a specific problem to you, you still don't acknowledge it. Maybe you're done, but if you're not then next time, set the tablet down, look her in the eyes and listen to her! If you don't want to talk about selling the house at that time then just tell her "W, I am not prepared to talk about selling the house right now, can we discuss that on (give her a time and date)?" If the D is moving forward you need to have that convo no matter how painful.

In the doorway she turned around and told me good night, and I didn't respond, still looking at my tablet. Telling me good night was weird, considering she hasn't said that to me in about 3 weeks.

I'm just curious why you didn't respond, were you angry? Dismissive? Or did you think it was the right thing to do from a DB'ing perspective? It's a serious question, sometimes people misinterpret some of the DB'ing guidelines.

[Holding]

Thanks, Dusty, Doodler, and AS! Thanks for the confirmation that GAL is the way to go for now. This week will be a better GAL week for me, as the kids will be out of town with grandparents for most of it.

So if I understand correctly, she wanted to talk to you about communication and you ignored her and kept your attention on your tablet. Basically you are reinforcing her belief that you are the problem with communications, and that D really is the only answer because when she points out a specific problem to you, you still don't acknowledge it. Maybe you're done, but if you're not then next time, set the tablet down, look her in the eyes and listen to her! If you don't want to talk about selling the house at that time then just tell her "W, I am not prepared to talk about selling the house right now, can we discuss that on (give her a time and date)?" If the D is moving forward you need to have that convo no matter how painful.

The first half of the convo, where we talked about communication, I wasn't looking at my tablet. But when she wanted to talk about selling the house, splitting time with the kids, etc., I picked up the tablet to show I wasn't interested in talking about that (in addition to actually saying I didn't want to talk about it). I know that convo needs to happen, but W has ideas on how things should go, which I don't agree with. So I'm trying to not have a convo that she might claim was a "verbal agreement" to something when it wasn't.

All the convos we have are always on her terms. It's always about moving the D closer to the finish line. She wants to discuss details on how to split things, when I'm not ready and haven't fully consulted with my L.

I'm just curious why you didn't respond, were you angry? Dismissive? Or did you think it was the right thing to do from a DB'ing perspective? It's a serious question, sometimes people misinterpret some of the DB'ing guidelines.

Good question. I guess I was mostly angry - like she thinks she can get me in line with a few pleasantries. I was also shocked that she said it after so long, so I was also screaming to myself "WTF!?!" And I want her to understand that I will not be her friend or buddy when this is all over. Like I've said, I'm not being a DB purist at this point, since I really feel this is too far gone to save. I have to protect myself now.

[doodler]

...like she thinks she can get me in line with a few pleasantries.

holding,

That brings back memories. After my wife and I separated, she emailed me asking for money. She was so sweet and kind. I kept her on the hook as we exchanged a number of nice messages just like it was in the good old days. Then, I told her she should probably ask the OM for money because I wasn't going to give her any. That dear sweet woman immediately turned into maniacal raging lunatic after that one brief message. What a surprise!

[AnotherStander]

I know that convo needs to happen, but W has ideas on how things should go, which I don't agree with. So I'm trying to not have a convo that she might claim was a "verbal agreement" to something when it wasn't.

Verbal agreements are meaningless in divorce anyway. The decree is the four corners of the law and supercedes any verbal agreements. So if you're worried she might claim something was agreed to verbally that actually wasn't, then you have nothing to worry about.

I fully understand not wanting to have that convo, I absolutely hated doing it. But I did what I suggested to you- when W approached me about it I suggested a date and time. We met then, sat down at the dinner table and discussed visitation and how to split assets. 5 years later I still get sick to my stomach thinking about it. No one should ever have to have that convo, or 100 other heartbreaking convos that happen as a result of BD. But putting it off is just postponing the inevitable. And if you have that convo, then maybe you can at least come to a meeting of the minds that will make D smoother if it happens.

All the convos we have are always on her terms. It's always about moving the D closer to the finish line. She wants to discuss details on how to split things, when I'm not ready and haven't fully consulted with my L.

Well the DB'ing rule on D is don't initiate convos, but if your W initiates then go ahead and discuss it. Also don't initiate any paperwork, but if she asks for anything then give it to her. The more you interfere with D, the harder she will push. Also please understand you are NEVER going to want to have that convo, so if you're waiting hoping you'll feel more up to it later, you won't.

I understand some people just get very angry with their spouse after BD. But I do believe that anger is misplaced. Personally I never did get angry with W, I understood it wasn't easy for her, that she felt like she needed to do it to save herself, that she was confused, and most of all that she didn't hate me, that she just didn't want to be married anymore. I really don't see it as being her fault. Our M had been on autopilot for a long, long time. That was as much my fault as hers. What I never realized until it was too late is that while autopilot was OK for me, it was not for her.

Anyway I guess what I'm saying is that I truly feel my XW and I resolved things quicker and easier by remaining cordial and open to discussion throughout. I am not saying it was easy, but it was a lot easier than it could have been. And for me that was a large part of saving myself. A long, ugly court battle would have sent me into depression and anxiety all over again.