KGirl - new life, new stuff #2

[Georgiabelle]

And K-Girl, you are young and have so much ahead of you. Hang in there!!!

[DonH]

I totally agree with you Georgia and refuse to do that. Hell I could not do it even if I tried. I just don't have it in me. I'm picky and will not settle. I'd rather be on my own than struggle in an R with someone else. Therefore, I'm alone.

[KGirl]

Thanks, all. I'm super late to rejoining this party. That whole life thing gets in the way... normally I'm a pretty low-key work person (like, hate to work more than 40 hours a week, don't like to do too much that takes a lot of planning or big picture thinking or conceptual undertaking) but I tried to step outside of my comfort zone and took on a big committee chair role. It's been tough. But probably important for professional development blah blah blah.

GB, what you said about "If only he would do XYZ etc" is hitting home for me right now. I've gotten into it with someone who I am totally infatuated with, we click in a lot of ways, but there is one key piece that we are completely different on, and that is in regards to timing/planning. I am very much someone who wants to know everything in advance, who won't cancel plans unless I'm basically dying, and who follows through on everything even if I decide it's not serving me well/really don't want to do it anymore (there's some good and some bad there right? growth opportunity somewhere..) whereas he is someone who is very go with the flow, spontaneous, doesn't think much of changing something at the last minute if a different opportunity comes up. It's been a struggle. Still navigating it all and seeing if it's worth overcoming, and how much of it is compromise and communication vs. trying to get someone to change which is no bueno (for example, we've talked about how I'll let him know if something is a Big Deal and he needs to be there, vs. things he can come with me to or not and I'll be fine without him, and how he will try to be more realistic about how long it takes him to get home from work, get ready, etc.) If nothing else it's been a good lesson in letting go of some more of my controlling aspects in favor of what's actually important/matters. Example - we did some fourth of july plans that were not "planned" to the extent I would have liked ("are you suuurre we can eat dinner at 7 and still make it to the fireworks...") but it all turned out great and beautifully and I had no reason to be anxious. Otherwise, he loves cats, which is important

[KGirl]

Ugh. Today I am very much in a "why do I have to be divorced, why did my XH have to be such a s***, why did I stay with him when I could have met someone I'd still be married to" sort of mood. I'm tired of seeing friends/coworkers be happy with their spouses and have someone to come home to when things are stressful. Someone they can count on and rely on. Yes I know they may not be as happy as they look but for the most part my friends are pretty happy and wouldn't trade their spouses for anything.

The current relationship I am in is so up and down lately, I have no idea what to do. One week we're having a great time, hanging out, I'm introduced as "girlfriend" (yay!), I think we're having good conversation and communication, the next week I get bailed on when we're supposed to do something, and when I try to talk about it I get told that maybe we should break up because he feels bad he can't give me the attention I deserve/doesn't have time for me and doesn't know if he ever will (??) We maybe get together once a week despite living half an hour apart due to his work schedule/whatever else he's doing (like spending entire weekends with his family). Right now I have no idea what's happening because we left it at "let's talk in person". I think it's worth talking about (in particular, I don't like being told "I can't give you what you deserve" - why don't you do the best you can and let ME decide if that's what I want or not??) but obviously so much of that is outside my control. I understand people have lives and I want to be independent and co-dependent but I also want to know I am a priority to someone and they will make time for me. I'm willing to stick through this tough time (busy work schedule) but I haven't gotten any reassurances about how long this will last or that he even would WANT more time with me if he could. Being single at this age feels hard. The guys who haven't been married yet seem to have trouble with relationships for a reason (can't communicate, or compromise, or commit, workaholics, etc.)

[Maybell]

Is this the same guy your friends were talking you into giving him a chance back in April? If so... why???

Dating should be FUN. It shouldn't be this sacrificial "I'm willing to give this a chance... he's good enough" kind of thing. That's settling. You don't need to settle!

Do you know who you are yet? Are you happy being single yet? Because I guarantee, until you are, you aren't going to find a relationship worth fighting for.

I get that it's hard to be surrounded by couples. All of us here have had that problem. When Mr. Fantastic left I was the lone single lady in a group of SAH married moms. They're sitting around complaining about how their husbands don't load the dishwasher properly and I'm biting my tongue to keep from screaming at how lucky that's their worst marital problem. I GET IT. But there are single people of all ages out there, and part of your job is to go find them and have fun with them, getting to know what makes you laugh even without the arm candy.

I'm sorry for bopping you on the head but I can't wait to see the KGirl I knew before to come back... the one who bought the brightly colored car all on her own, decorated her new apartment, got her cat because it made her happy... Where is that girl? This guy doesn't sound like someone worth losing sleep over.

[DonH]

Kirl, I think you have to take an honest look at what this boyfriend (or not) is DOING more than what he is SAYING. His actions would appear to show he's just not that into you. If he wanted to see you, spend time with you, do things with you, then he would. Instead he CHOSES to do things with his family or friends or work or whatever. What does that show you?

Is it possible you are allowing this to happen? Are you there, ready and waiting should he decide to throw you a date? I don't know how long you've been dating nor where you are at in this R but it appears when he has nothing else to do then he'll gang out with you, but if more important, interesting or fun things come along, then he leaves you sit. Why coukd you not spend one day of the weekend with him and his family?

I would suggest that you start seeing things for what they are - watch what he does rather than what he says - although he even says he's not sure. Then don't be all in on him no matter what. Start doing other things, make other plans, meet other people. If he really likes you, thus may be the catelist for him to spend more time with you. If he sees he can't just use you when he has nothing better, or thinks you might be dating other guys he may come around. If he doesn't, he likely is just not that into you.

I know that's not what you want but like you said about wasting time with exh, don't waste time with a guy who us not that into you when a guy who will be into you is likely out there waiting!

[25yearsmlc]

Ugh. Today I am very much in a "why do I have to be divorced, why did my XH have to be such a s***, why did I stay with him when I could have met someone I'd still be married to" sort of mood.

um, no offense, (really) but I was married longer than you've been alive. Learn to be Be good alone. It is a gift for which I'm learning to be grateful.

I'm tired of seeing friends/coworkers be happy with their spouses and have someone to come home to when things are stressful.

do you see your friends/coworkers going home stressed and their spouses making them feel good? Come on, you know better. You were married.

Someone they can count on and rely on.

As much as I CRAVE this^^ - I had it and then it went away. Maybe we have to rescue ourselves, and never "rely" on someone else to do it for us. Even the great truest spouses can die, or change.

Yes I know they may not be as happy as they look but for the most part my friends are pretty happy and wouldn't trade their spouses for anything.


Then they are blessed. Good for them. They sound like good role models.

The current relationship I am in is so up and down lately, I have no idea what to do. One week we're having a great time, hanging out, I'm introduced as "girlfriend" (yay!), I think we're having good conversation and communication, the next week I get bailed on when we're supposed to do something, and when I try to talk about it I get told that maybe we should break up because he feels bad he can't give me the attention I deserve/doesn't have time for me and doesn't know if he ever will (??)

translation - "don't ever expect me to fulfill your needs or wants, b/c if you do, I'll leave. So there. Keep lowering your standards or you'll be alone."

We maybe get together once a week despite living half an hour apart due to his work schedule/whatever else he's doing (like spending entire weekends with his family).

Right now I have no idea what's happening because we left it at "let's talk in person".

I think it's worth talking about (in particular, I don't like being told "I can't give you what you deserve" -

hard to believe man/boys can say this crap out loud and not have it be seen for what it is.


KGirl, maybe you should look at the...website. Don't take offense at the name, it's quite fitting for many of us and there's no shame in it.

But this guy is bad news. Period. No question. I'm very sorry b/c I know you are vulnerable. But being alone and able to meet a good guy

is way better than lowering your standards and being off the market, especially in a relationship that sounds doomed already.



why don't you do the best you can and let ME decide if that's what I want or not??) but obviously so much of that is outside my control. I understand people have lives and I want to be independent and co-dependent

???

but I also want to know I am a priority to someone and they will make time for me.

this ^^^ is a given.


I'm willing to stick through this tough time (busy work schedule) but I haven't gotten any reassurances about how long this will last or that he even would WANT more time with me if he could.

KGirl, what is the ^^^question here? This guy has been pretty clear. He does not really want a r the way you do.

So you can take it or leave it. A half a$$ one that leaves you feeling rejected, or nothing.

Don't forget the hard earned lessons from your divorce.


Being single at this age feels hard.

Um, here's a small 2 x 4, "seriously??" As opposed to what, when you were 20? Come on, get some perspective.


You know the answer. My suggestion is to get some IC to learn to be content on your own.

I firmly believe we all need it (my first time living alone in my life, began 4 months ago. I am GLAD for it and never really knew that I would be).

I think when we crave other's company and present with our bucket of need, we tend to attract those who cannot fill the needs. And then we create a cycle.

But you can break it. People do everyday.

-

[kml]

Right now I have no idea what's happening because we left it at "let's talk in person".

I think it's worth talking about (in particular, I don't like being told "I can't give you what you deserve" -

When a man tells you who he is - BELIEVE HIM!

He just told you he can't give you what you deserve. Take him at his word and move on to find someone who CAN give you what you deserve.

[KGirl]

Ooof, thanks everyone.

This is a different guy than the one back in April (he decided to move out of state and I washed my hands of him after that). This guy I met in mid-May. And am like crazy about so that makes it all the harder. As in, have liked him more than anyone else I've met in the past 2.5 years (I'm not sure what that says about me or my choices). He overall has his life together in many ways and there's a ton of stuff I like about him. He's just... really... busy... and I'm not sure where the line is of me being flexible and understanding vs. being a doormat is. He's taken on more responsibilities at work in the past month that he says will be short-term. He also within the past few weeks became a property manager separate from work and is dealing with repairs and rental agreements. Oh, and he's moving in two weeks! So, I think it is quite possible that he would have more time available in the future and that circumstances/timing right now are just particularly difficult, but I don't know so. Hard to predict the future.

Maybell, boops on the head are good We do have a ton of fun when we're together. It's getting to the actually getting together part that is sometimes challenging. I dunno. I guess I have to decide if I'm willing to go with the flow until it's REALLY not working for me, or not.

DonH - yes, I think part of the issue is that in an effort to be flexible/accomodating/understanding of all the things he has going on, I've maybe been TOO accommodating (like, actually sitting around at home waiting on him when he says "we could hang out if I get home early enough from X but I really have no idea when I'll be done so if you have other things to do, do them!") I guess I worry that if I fill my time with other plans and there's nothing left for him, then I won't see him at all. But maybe that's what has to happen for him to realize "hey I guess I need to plan ahead if I want to see KGirl" and if he doesn't realize that then obviously he is not that interested in seeing me in the first place. I think he cares hence why he is feeling so badly and stressed but, I don't know.

25 - whoops, typo, I meant be independent and NOT codependent. I hear you, everything that I read on the internet says if someone says they don't know if they can give you what you deserve, to run away. It's hard when you're in the thick of the situation and don't to give up on someone. Particularly when sometimes he says this is only temporary, he's going to make me a priority whenever he can, he's going to look for a new job that requires less hours so he'll have more time available, etc. But then he says "I don't know if I'll ever be able to be X" and then I don't know what's true, or if he's just having a particularly anxious/insecure day and just saying what's popping into his head.

Re: what I deserve, I'm totally content to hang out once or twice a week, and that's what we've been doing up until the last week or two, so maybe I need to be a bit more secure in myself and know just because there's a week or two that's busy, that I shouldn't read into it. We chat a lot online throughout the day. We've only been dating two months and didn't know each other before that so I'm not expecting him to drop the other aspects of his life that existed way before me to make a huge investment in me. So I guess I'm not sure where his anxiety or insecurity is coming from that he isn't "enough". He has a history of anxiety. When he starts getting all worked up about it then I start getting worked up about it when I didn't even know he was upset about anything in the first place ... etc.

Obviously you all haven't talked me out of leaving just yet But I guess I need to think hard when we do talk in person (sounds like tomorrow night or Friday night) about how to approach this and go from there. Open ended questions like "what was your goal when you got into online dating?" "what would an ideal relationship look like for you?" "what in particular are you worried about with regards to us and not being 'enough'?" etc.?

[25yearsmlc]

Obviously you all haven't talked me out of leaving just yet wink But I guess I need to think hard when we do talk in person (sounds like tomorrow night or Friday night) about how to approach this and go from there.[b] Open ended questions like "what was your goal when you got into online dating?"

What difference would ^^that make, Now?


"what would an ideal relationship look like for you?" "what in particular are you worried about with regards to us and not being 'enough'?" etc.?[/b]


^^^this is total 100% pursuit. Is that your goal? I'm asking. You are so early in this r!

Okay to me it is clear that you want more and he says he cannot give more. I'm not confused.

Sometimes he says other things but I can't tell if that is when you are prompting him or asking, or if he brings up R talk. But to me, his actions scream to back off. If there is a lasting connection, let him find it.

In any case, this is not a m or a committed r. This is a lot of second guessing for a new r. It's very early on to be having all these questions.

What if you see him when YOU BOTH have time and GAL as much as you can regardless of him? No pressure, no r talks, etc.

I think there is a big "pursuer distancer" dynamic going on and it's not working for you.

So either play it differently or walk away from the table.