Going through divorce #3

[Zues126]

lcause, sorry you're here. There are a million things I want to tell you but I can't give you the totality of my endless hours of reflection and years of experience (note I didn't say wisdom as that is something else entirely!). But here's what I feel is paramount:

Don't follow your feelings because they are going to be out of control for a while.

Don't follow your thoughts because they are going to be rationalizations that reflect your most recent feelings

Instead follow your beliefs. What is the right thing?

It's not easy because your feelings will be strong and your thoughts will seem convincing, but you have to trust your beliefs.

In fact, I often say that you need to act with the character you wish she had. She doesn't 'feel' loving, she doesn't 'think' she should stay with you, etc. You would've liked her to follow her beliefs about being a faithful committed wife instead of her feelings and rationalizations. Well, act with the character you wish she had. SOMEONE needs to lead, you need to be the one. You can't expect her to do it if you can't. I say that for drop the rope too by the way, you can't expect her to let go of other man if you can't let go of her.

Moving on, my main point again is that I know right now you can go from depressed to angry to desperately pleading and sometimes a little of everything at once, all while on the way to work. I get it. You can't do anything right now that will change how it feels this moment. BUT...you can know better than to make it worse by spiraling around with crazy expansive thoughts like "I'll never get over this", "It will never be ok again", and so on. Stop it. Have some FAITH for crying out loud. You've never been in this situation before. You don't know where you'll be in 3 months or 3 years. I do. And the lord does too. Just take a breath, focus on today and today only, and trust that somehow it will feel different soon...but only if you act according to your beliefs and character! If you allow your feelings and thoughts to take over you just start acting and reacting and kneejerking and behaving in crazy inconsistent and ineffective ways, and sadly cause more damage and destruction that then leads back to more pain. It's like a wild animal at the vet, just need to calm down and get the shot. Trust me, you'll be having a doggy treat and a ride in the care before long.

[lcause]

Thanks Zues. I wish I would believe in God because it would probably help in situations like this. However I'm agnostic, and have always been. I believe in evolution, not in destiny praying does not work because I just can't change my faith or start believing.

I was such a bad husband that I doubt anyone would like to be with me knowing what I offered. The only way she would take me back is if the OM dumped her and she'd feel alone. I don't see that happening even though OM doesn't sound like a man with high morals.

I live in a city of 200k people, so finding someone suitable is not an easy task, especially with kids. It just feels so...hard.

I read other sitches where their wifes tell them that they misses them etc. My XW is happy. She definitely does not miss me or are even in turmoil. She's found her true happiness from the OM.

Day by day, hour by hour. I know. It feels a bit better now. I think the SSRIs are starting to work.

[lcause]

Thanks Treasur.

Depression is indeed the primary goal now. I just wish I had hope restoring my family. I read other sitches and I am so jealous of people who really so have hope. I don't. My wife is in love. 2 months after she left me. 6m baby. It just [censored].

I guess I can eventually feel happy again.

[lcause]

She was perfect. She is the mother of my children. Ahe is beautiful, good in bed, good mother, wise, caring. There were no traits I'd hate or dislike about her. Yet, I was not treating her correctly - this really pains me the most. If I would have had a proper awakement before, I would be with her. But no. I ruined it. She loved me a lot. Now she loves someone else. Gets her needs and wants filled by someone else. If I could rewind the time, I would. Instantly.

I wish someday I get an answer or understand why I didn't show and give her the love she deserved. If for some reason I get that chance, I will do my everything to keep her like a beautiful butterfly on my palm. But that's not going to happen. I had my chance. Someone else has it now.

[Btrow]

Now she loves someone else. Gets her needs and wants filled by someone else.

You don't know that. You're guessing here. But maybe she is. Now. That doesn't mean she is a couple of months down the line.

I live in a city of 200k people, so finding someone suitable is not an easy task, especially with kids. It just feels so...hard.

That shouldn't be a concern for you right now. Way too soon for you to think about other women. I live in a town of appx. 10k people. Plenty of single (interested) women to be found. I have three small kids. Not really a dealbreaker for all women. So 200k where you live. Tons of women. But that's not for now, ok?

You're beating yourself up quite a bit. That's normal. It will get better. Much better. Just give it time. Which you have lots of.

Spend your time working on yourself and evolve. At least you are recognizing your flaws. So you'll be better next time around, who ever your future partner is.

BTW, I'm agnostic too. That doesn't prevent me from having hope for my future. Shouldn't stop you either. Find the strength within. And if you really wish to believe in a higher power, I'm sure a lot of people can help you find that.

[AnotherStander]

LC, it's clear from your last several posts that you are very down on yourself and life. This is perfectly normal for someone in your position. Reading your posts reminds me so much of how I felt in the months after BD. I was so down on life, on me, on my whole sitch. I saw no hope. I was convinced I would spend the rest of my days moping through life until it was finally over, which frankly I thought couldn't get here soon enough. I get where you are coming from. But listen to me, that is how you feel NOW. It WILL change. Wife or no wife, your best years are ahead of you. Since my D I've rebuilt my life and am now far happier than I have been in years, maybe ever in fact. I have a great R with my kids, I have a lot of friends thanks to GALing, I am super busy all the time with all kinds of fun activities, and I have a sex life that would make a porn star blush. You know how much time I sit around lamenting the loss of my W and wondering if we'll ever get back together? ZERO. I still think she's an awesome person and I look back on our M fondly, but I'm living in a new chapter and she's a bit player in it instead of a star. Do you want to know what the difference between you and me is? Time. I am 5 years post-BD. You are not even 3 months. Be patient with yourself, allow yourself to grieve but DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO GIVE UP HOPE.

I feel that I'm much less strong than many of the others here. I am quite confident that I'm more than average when it comes to looks but I'm very insecure and fail to make women laugh. [censored] that women are more attracted to words than looks.

My son is almost 15. We've started having girl discussions lately. I'll tell you something I just told him last night- some women will think you're ugly. Some women will think you're plain. Don't waste your time chasing those women, and don't let it make you think you are ugly or plain. Because others will find you very attractive. We all have particular tastes. Some women like a man with thick hair, others like bald. Some like muscular men, some like portly men, some like skinny men. But here's the thing- there are MILLIONS of women out there and out of those, a LARGE number are going to like whatever qualities you personally have. It can be a challenge finding those particular women, but challenges are what make life interesting and exciting.

In regards to my XW, I'm working on dropping the rope. I can sense that she and OM are getting closer and closer by the way she acts.

Well yeah, they are still firmly in the limerence stage. It's only been a few months.

Why is it so hard to accept that your S found someone else who better fills his/her needs? Why is it so hard to let go now, even if the R was already bad? Is it just the feel of needing the other?

It is because you are in the fog. BD triggers something in the LBS that makes them think they MUST HAVE the WAS back and nothing else is acceptable. It'll pass with time, you'll start to have a more realistic outlook.

I guess a man understands what he had when he loses everything. I keep reading how others are having sex, being close etc. but my XW doesn't show any interest in me. Her all feelings are dead, she doesn't feel anything towards me anymore. She's not confused, she's happy she found someone better.

Oh her feelings are still there, she's just burying them deep. It took her a long time to decide to do this and she is scared of reversing course at this point. My XW was just like that as far as showing no interest, feelings being dead, not confused, happy with someone else. Except it was all a facade. How do I know that? Because she told me much later. She was confused the whole time, crying herself to sleep every night. She eventually tried to recon, we tried but by then my heart wasn't in it. Bottom line- it's not over until YOU decide it is.

[AnotherStander]

By the way, I do agree with Btrow that it's far too soon for you to think about dating. My comments were intended to help you understand your value and worth to others, not to encourage you to go out and try to meet women right now. I didn't start dating until a year after BD and frankly looking back even that was too soon. I think 18 months to 2 years would have been more appropriate, but it's different for everyone.

[lcause]

You don't know that. You're guessing here. But maybe she is. Now. That doesn't mean she is a couple of months down the line.

That shouldn't be a concern for you right now. Way too soon for you to think about other women. I live in a town of appx. 10k people. Plenty of single (interested) women to be found. I have three small kids. Not really a dealbreaker for all women. So 200k where you live. Tons of women. But that's not for now, ok?

You're beating yourself up quite a bit. That's normal. It will get better. Much better. Just give it time. Which you have lots of.

Spend your time working on yourself and evolve. At least you are recognizing your flaws. So you'll be better next time around, who ever your future partner is.

BTW, I'm agnostic too. That doesn't prevent me from having hope for my future. Shouldn't stop you either. Find the strength within. And if you really wish to believe in a higher power, I'm sure a lot of people can help you find that.

Thanks Btrow. Comments like these really do give me so much value and pull me from feeling down to feeling at least neutral, sometimes even good!

I know it's not for me right now. I wouldn't be able to date because I'm so insecure with my current job. I just need to find a better one and it might take a while. I'm just so lonely that it hurts. Maybe I'm codependent, heavily.

Yes, there probably are some women but none of those have the same traits and qualities my ex has

I'm far too gone from all religious stuff that I won't ever be coming to faith. It's just how I was raised. No one should be taking this wrong though, I have nothing against religions or faith. It's just that I don't personally believe in it. I find it fascinating some people do because in situations like this it seems to really help people to get over things.

LC, it's clear from your last several posts that you are very down on yourself and life. This is perfectly normal for someone in your position. Reading your posts reminds me so much of how I felt in the months after BD. I was so down on life, on me, on my whole sitch. I saw no hope. I was convinced I would spend the rest of my days moping through life until it was finally over, which frankly I thought couldn't get here soon enough. I get where you are coming from. But listen to me, that is how you feel NOW. It WILL change. Wife or no wife, your best years are ahead of you. Since my D I've rebuilt my life and am now far happier than I have been in years, maybe ever in fact. I have a great R with my kids, I have a lot of friends thanks to GALing, I am super busy all the time with all kinds of fun activities, and I have a sex life that would make a porn star blush. You know how much time I sit around lamenting the loss of my W and wondering if we'll ever get back together? ZERO. I still think she's an awesome person and I look back on our M fondly, but I'm living in a new chapter and she's a bit player in it instead of a star. Do you want to know what the difference between you and me is? Time. I am 5 years post-BD. You are not even 3 months. Be patient with yourself, allow yourself to grieve but DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO GIVE UP HOPE.

My son is almost 15. We've started having girl discussions lately. I'll tell you something I just told him last night- some women will think you're ugly. Some women will think you're plain. Don't waste your time chasing those women, and don't let it make you think you are ugly or plain. Because others will find you very attractive. We all have particular tastes. Some women like a man with thick hair, others like bald. Some like muscular men, some like portly men, some like skinny men. But here's the thing- there are MILLIONS of women out there and out of those, a LARGE number are going to like whatever qualities you personally have. It can be a challenge finding those particular women, but challenges are what make life interesting and exciting.

Well yeah, they are still firmly in the limerence stage. It's only been a few months.

It is because you are in the fog. BD triggers something in the LBS that makes them think they MUST HAVE the WAS back and nothing else is acceptable. It'll pass with time, you'll start to have a more realistic outlook.

Oh her feelings are still there, she's just burying them deep. It took her a long time to decide to do this and she is scared of reversing course at this point. My XW was just like that as far as showing no interest, feelings being dead, not confused, happy with someone else. Except it was all a facade. How do I know that? Because she told me much later. She was confused the whole time, crying herself to sleep every night. She eventually tried to recon, we tried but by then my heart wasn't in it. Bottom line- it's not over until YOU decide it is.

Thank you again AS. This really helps me. It really really does. I appreciate it very much. And obviously everyone else too commenting.

I find the last paragraph hard to believe though. She seems so done, especially now that she's with the OM and lies about it. I just don't understand her comments about "finding each other again" etc. What's the point? To make me feel hope for nothing? To alleviate guilt? To ease it for me? To make their R seem less serious?Seriously, why can't she just say "we are done, that's it, never ever again, go find a new woman in your life"? Why "well no one knows what happens now, but I still find it hard to believe the feelings would come back"? I know I shouldn't trust or listen to this but it's so off from the WAS script when compared to other sitches. Throws me off.

I really do get the point though. I just can't get my arse to GAL for some reason. It's so much easier to just mope in bed. I don't find any places to meet new people. All my ideas sound really desperate.

[lcause]

Was missing my children too much so I asked if I could go and feed my S&read bed time story for my D. My wife said "sure". I've read somewhere that the beginning of separation should fade out a bit like this... don't know whether this is good or not, or if I'm technically being a doormat. But I really wanted to see my children.

[AnotherStander]

I just need to find a better one and it might take a while. I'm just so lonely that it hurts. Maybe I'm codependent, heavily.

Probably so, but that's kind of a natural byproduct of being married. With time you'll get the hang of being independent! The idea of it really freaked me out, I was with my W for over 25 years, most of my adult life at the time. Turns out I was worried about nothing, the transition to independence was really pretty easy other than the "being lonely" part (which also went away with time).

Yes, there probably are some women but none of those have the same traits and qualities my ex has

You've got her on a pedestal right now. I did the same with my W. Your sitch reminds me so much of mine that it's a little uncanny. I beat myself up unmercifully after BD just like you do, LOL! You aren't as bad as you think, and she's not as good as you think. If she were she wouldn't have left.

I'm far too gone from all religious stuff that I won't ever be coming to faith. It's just how I was raised.

Hope isn't about believing in a higher power. It's about believing in YOURSELF. Once you get past the pain and grieving, you'll start believing in yourself again. Do you have an IC? It helps. So does reading self-help books. Our self-esteem is non-existent after BD. That's a big part of GALing is finding our self-esteem again.

I find the last paragraph hard to believe though. She seems so done, especially now that she's with the OM and lies about it.

Well it's like I keep saying, I felt the exact same about my W. Everyone here kept saying all that same stuff I said to you and I didn't believe it. I was sure I knew her better than anyone here and that they were wrong, she really was 100% done. I'm not even sure I'd believe it now if she hadn't told me herself what she was going through. All the stuff everyone here told me was spot on. I spent over 25 years with her and yet a bunch of strangers on the Internet knew her head better than I did! These people her know their stuff. Hopefully a little had rubbed off on me too

I just don't understand her comments about "finding each other again" etc. What's the point? To make me feel hope for nothing? To alleviate guilt? To ease it for me? To make their R seem less serious?

Yes, all of the above.

Seriously, why can't she just say "we are done, that's it, never ever again, go find a new woman in your life"?

Because she wants to keep you on as Plan B.

It's so much easier to just mope in bed.

GAL is HARD at first. You literally have to drag your sorry butt out of the house to do it. You have to MAKE yourself do it. Every time it gets a little easier though, and eventually you start enjoying yourself again. GAL is everything to your recovery. Make it happen.