Still standing almost 11 years later

[missmyfriend]

Cadet, I guess it depends on how you define standing and how you define waiting. I do believe I am doing both. Personally, when I am referring to waiting, I am waiting on God. Some people do not understand about waiting on Him but this is scripture I was just reading earlier today, Psalm 38:15, "Lord, I wait for You; You will answer, Lord my God." Regarding your question about how I am living my life, I simply am. Its pretty easy.

BluWave, I am glad to hear that you and your S are together again. I hope that piecing goes much better. I hope you are having more ups than downs. Anyway, for me, its been so long that I really am not too disheartened anymore. Yes, there are times that makes it difficult for me considering she and I were together a long time and have so many experiences in the area where we live. Overall, i take it one day at a time. I have no timeline in mind basically focusing on what God wants from me.

Gordie, its a tough road but I believe it can make a stronger person out of you. Thank you for your comment.

Thanks RR17!

RDS, I completely understand what you are saying. Maybe I am still a cockeyed optimist but I think that if there is someone special for you, nothing will stop that from happening. With you being married for 33 years, you may want to take a couple of years to learn to be your own person. Its hard after being together for such a long time to think of being just you. However thats exactly what you need before you can ever consider going into another relationship. Since my W left, I have seen friends (including several on this board) get divorced, remarried and divorced again only to get married yet again. I honestly think that they never learned to be by themselves and comfortable with that.

As a comment to everyone, yes, today was a little more challenging for me. My anniversary is coming up in a week (wouldve been married 27 years) and my daughter has her 25 birthday four days later. Around holidays, birthdays and other special events that were common to the two of us, it is more difficult. Outside of that, I have many things I enjoy. I got rid of our old house and downsized to something for me, I have a motorcycle (which I need to ride more) and I spend time with family. I do appreciate everyones comments whether they are supportive or concerned or both

Thank you all!

[Cristy]

Cristy, thanks. I am good. I think I actually still have one session left from my original 3 session package from ten years ago, lol.

I am actually doing pretty good. I have times when i am sad and others where i am really good.

I sold the family home and downsized tremendously, bought a new motorcycle a couple of years ago, and have some good memories when I took a Route 66 trip with my youngest.

Chat with you later

Hello missmyfriend,

I'm glad that you have taken advantage of our DB Coaching program. I'm getting the impression that you are back after all this time in search of something that has been missing. Let's go ahead and schedule the remaining prepaid session. Please call me at 303-444-7004 to determine the best time.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[EastTN]

Absolutely heartbreaking. Best of luck with your situation, I hope it works out for you.

[Tread]

missmyfriend,

I honestly don't see how you could wait all this time. Your W has moved on and your still here waiting. That is some faith you have here. Guess my question for you is that you say your happy. But don't you deserve to have someone for yourself? I at least hope that you have been dating at some point during the lat 11 years.

[missmyfriend]

Cristy, I actually stopped by to see if any of my old friends were still on here from several years ago. I thought I would share where I am at for anyone in a similar situation. It's really challenging to share everything in my life and where I am emotionally over all these years but one thing I am happy about is that I have learned to be on my own and fine with it. I could have easily made a mistake and gotten into another relationship just so I could try to remove the pain of losing my R with my W. If I need to talk, I will definitely call. Whenever I am down, I read scripture. Cheers me up right away. I also consider all of the blessings in my life and don't focus only on the things i have lost or challenges that I am facing. At times I fall into my old routine of feeling self-pity. Thank you!

EastTN, thank you! I hope things are going well for you as well.

Tread, I wouldn't expect you to understand (I am not saying that in a derogatory manner). I will say that I have read many of Michele's books so we cannot possibly know what our S is thinking or what they are doing or going to do. That is their issue. We can only focus on ourselves. Not that it will happen to me but I personally know a surprising number of couples that were separated for more years than what i have gone through. One couple was apart for over 25 years and it didnt appear their marriage would ever be restored. No indications of resolution.

Tread, this program ends when a person says it ends. Divorce isnt always the endgame for people unless they say it is. While I do not ever try and tell people what to do, ie they should stay standing or something similar, i do caution them when they get into another relationship before they are ready.

I don't know if my marriage will ever get restored (this site is about restoration and learning how to handle the disruptions and how to interact with your S or ex spouse so as to stop damaging your relationship). For me, I had to get a lot of things fixed with me. During that time, I realized that I didn't have to be in a relationship to be happy. It seems to bother others a lot more than it does me

I wish you the very best!

[missmyfriend]

Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. For he who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality.
Colossians 3:19‭-‬21‭, ‬23‭-‬25

[Zues126]

Missmyfriend, thank you for your post.

I don't believe our society places enough value on marriage. Parenting- yes. Being a mother or father is our most important duty, one that can never be sacrificed. We don't give up our teenage children for adoption because they aren't fulfilling us as parents, that would be considered incomprehensible. Yet being a spouse is too often considered 'at will employment'.

Unfortunately many people are in it for the wrong reasons. It's about what they GET from the marriage. What their spouse does for them. How they provide companionship, or financial support, or sex, or feelings of importance, emotional intimacy. Nothing wrong with any of that- until, that is, those things take priority over more important things. Things like serving God, each other, our communities by being a strong value based family, and living to give rather than to receive.

Missmyfriend, your W may have left and refused the gift of your commitment, but you still get to look in the mirror and know you gave it. You kept your vows. You retained your identity. You are following what you believe God wants from you. I totally respect that. The fact is that there is no one else that can be your wife, so trying to replace something that is irreplaceable just isn't possible. And while you can't stop divorces as a whole, you can cast your vote and model your values for those you meet and the children you raise. If that keeps even one child of yours to stay faithful and committed in a lifelong partnership in today's crazy world then you have done a great thing IMHO.

I could say so much more, but I don't want to detract from what I've already written or go on a tear so long I never finish. So for now I will just say one more time I admire your commitment. I understand where the others are coming from in that you don't want to be a perpetual victim, or bitter, or martyr like, or trying to punish with guilt, or most of all of being unappreciative for what God has given you that you still have to celebrate. But I don't get that sense from you at all. I think you are celebrating what you have, and still retaining what you can from the most important promise you made to your creator. Thank you for sharing.

[Anchor]

Missmyfriend

I just wanted to say a big thank you, for posting. I've written this post a couple of times and never sent it because I wasn't sure what it 'contributed', but I just wanted to say thanks. It's good to know there are people like you out there in the world.

I don't know what I am doing myself, but I guess technically I am standing. I don't want to stand, not by a mile. But more than anything else I want to do what is God's will. I've learned the hard way things don't go so well when you try to do what you want instead of what He wants. I don't know if God wants me to stand per se, but I know this much - he wants me to forgive WH and love WH. I just can't figure out how I should love WH - as a man or as a brother?

I know what what you mean by other people being more bothered by your stand and not seeing other people than you are. I guess it's because they're afraid we're going to waste our lives or something. And what it might mean for them if they tried standing too.

When I was thinking about this I was reminded of a diagram I read in a book about feeling fear and doing stuff anyway. In the first illustrative diagram, it was a square with marriage written in the middle, and a small bit of it portioned out for other stuff (friends, family, work, hobbies etc). In the second (more healthy) square, the square was divided into other squares, all of the same size. And in each box, was a word for all these components of our lives - marriage, family, friends, work etc.

The argument, I guess, is that if you're living by the first box where the marriage is the be all and end all of your life, then yes, to stand means to effectively stop living a healthy, happy life. But if you apply the second paradigm, then it just means that one of your boxes, of many, is empty.

I hope you will keep posting.

[missmyfriend]

Two excellent posts that I hadn't read until now. Thank you Zues and Anchor.

I have been away because there is so much going on. The reason I stopped by is that I lost a dear uncle that I feel has gone too soon.

Often, he would talk to me about my situation and he also wanted me to see other women. Of course, he had been married three times but his last marriage was the one that stuck.

He was a very good man that knew how to love others and he was a shrewd but fair business man as well.

Goodbye Uncle. I will miss you terribly.

[J5K]

Missmyfriend

Reading your post gave me a sense of happiness. I felt like you know who you are and have taken a lot of time to reflect on the man you want to be. I admire that. That is strength and stability.