At least it’s out and now you can start the process of making sure the kids’ lives remain as stable as possible. My original thread was about limerence and how it affects people’s lives, I mention this as even though these days seem like the darkest there can be hope IF you want your M to continue (the more time goes by I have my doubt regarding mine!)
I know you’re strong and will be okay, you will get through this no doubts.
If I can make you feel any better maybe it’s with this thought: limerence is a process, it basically has three phases. 1. Infatuation – the “we are meant for each other” “there is no one else who could possibly make me feel this way” stage where god himself stands no chance of getting through to them! 2. Crystallisation – the settling down stage where bonding happens, don’t get in there way at this stage as you ARE the enemy. These people just see each other and are blinkered to everything else even in some circumstances their own children. 3. Deterioration – when reality sets in and the cracks start to appear, this is when if you’ve been doing all your DR’ing right and have been showing him this happy, confident person who has moved on from fantasy world and getting on with her own life is the time for reflection and possible reconciliation.
I’m told limerence as to end so drop the rope look after your kids and yourself, be the best you you can be but remember for yourself NOT HIM and detach from his mental state. Better for you and better for your children. Whilst you’re concentrated on this he will be playing out his fantasy (can’t stop this) and eventually work through the process until reality kicks in and who know what will happen then…
You really need to be supportive now for your S&D and I’ve no doubt you have this covered, hide your sadness, cry behind closed doors and show them that happy fun loving mummy who is addictive to be around everything else will take care of itself.
Can only get better, take care.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
The fact that he has hurt my children in the worst possible way has put me in a much different place. I always knew they came first but now it is all about them and I am doing everything in my power to keep things 'normal'. It is different as I'm not working which they have never had, they're used to Daddy not being around so it's manageable only problem is he keeps popping up.
He's been so angry with me since Monday and anything and everything is my fault. I've managed to hold my tongue so far but there's only so much you can take when none of this is my fault. I have even backed down on the weekend he said he would have the kids and then reneged on because it really doesn't matter to me that much to have it thrown in my face and I just can't be bothered I've got more important things to do. He has nobody, literally nobody but OW he tells me he's not going to sneak around and hide things but hasn't even told his Mum.
I do prefer this angry disappointed feeling to the one not being able to get out of bed and I do intend to do everything I am doing for me and the kids. I do want my M but this man that he has become.
My DO questioned me about Monday nights conversation last night. She had told nanny in the morning that Daddy was going to be working more but we weren't separated. She asked me if we had had an argument and were splitting up, I asked if she hadn't understood what was said and she said not really. I explained that adults sometimes have to make choices for themselves that didn't always make everyone else happy, that Daddy loved her and S very much but he didn't want to live with Mummy anymore. She asked if that was what I wanted, I said no but Daddy is a grown up and that's his choice. Her response,8 years old....."Well that's a bit selfish" I think I have very perceptive 8 year old.
I've asked him to meet for coffee publicly this afternoon before seeing the kids so we can try and have a conversation about the holidays without him having a go at me. He's running late so not sure if this is going to happen and then he'll have a go at me about not talking??
I feel like he needs me as his support and friend because he has nobody else but he also hates me for that. When I tell him that he needs to talk to someone else because he basically sacked me from that role when BD'd (I don't say that bit to him)he gets all nasty and calls me controlling??
I think the reality isn't quite what he thought it was going to be and I will just continue to get on with my life with my amazing children and support network for me and for them. We have lots to look forward to and he will miss out as he already has.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
We did meet and it was more of the same from him although more H than alien. He apologised for keep having a go at me and said he feels so guilty and has nobody else to take it out on. I told him he sacked me as his support network when he BD'd and I will amicably discuss arrangements for the kids but he needs to give me a proper fixed schedule. Told him what I would like in terms of which was my weekend and he was fine with that although he won't be seeing the kids for the next 3 weekends and didn't see them the last one!!
We discussed money and I said if he couldn't afford to pay all of half the mortgage what could he afford but he said no he would pay and knew he would be in debt regardless. I gave him the option of not paying half the mortgage but it coming out of his share of the equity but he didn't want to do that said he would just use his credit card. He's obviously had legal advise since Monday and has to suck it up! He said to me I just want to make you aware that I have no money and I am going to be in debt and I know that's my choice but I just wanted you to be aware. I said I knew that as I have always done the finances I was well aware of his position and he said well I just want you to know it's no bed of roses. OMG I could have actually slapped him and said my heart F***ing bleeds!!!
He came home from our meet and I went out with friends. When I got back he had been tidying up which made me feel very uncomfortable and was actually coming out of my bedroom as I went upstairs to put my jacket away. We put DO to bed, she asked for us both to do it and was asking H a lot of questions about where he was going to be at the weekend but looking at me, that girl is one smart cookie, he was squirming and she knew it.
Once she was in bed I said to H that I wasn't comfortable with him tidying and being in my room as although this was still his house it was no longer his home as he didn't live here anymore. He got a bit sh***y saying so I can't come here anymore then, I said you can to see the kids but nothing more. He then stormed out and told S he was going. He came back into me and I told him he was doing it again and he shouldn't leave S because he was angry. He said I know you're already seeing someone else but that's nothing to do with me and I'm sorry for having a go at you I know it's my doing. He then left very sheepishly after handing me a load of cash for S's Birthday present and some tickets for S's Birthday evening. I guess he's worked out he can draw cash on his credit card Oh dear for him.
I don't know if I feel stronger because the kids know now and I'm focused on them and the summer and getting the house sold. Or, if it's because he's finally having a reality check, no money, no family time or support from me and nothing or nobody else, can't even speak to his own Mum. Maybe a bit of both but I do know now the kids know my focus is most definitely on me and them and GAL for the 3 of us and of course one for me without them within reason.
I do want my M but not how it is or even how it was. I may or may not get the chance and I know I am only a very, very short way into this.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Received the following text this morning, I haven't responded, should I. Part of me wants to just say thanks, part of me wants to say how many times do I have to tell you I am no longer your friend and another part of me just wants to ignore it??
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
'Hope you all have a nice day. Just want to get on with you babe sorry about yesterday' I really don’t know what to advise here has its never happened to me.
On these boards it mentions temperature checking and him touching base to see if you’re still a viable option if the A goes sour, but if he gets a positive response from you here I’m told he’ll probably see this as “hey I can go back to her any time I like, this is great I can have the AP/LO AND my W..” How long do you think he will carry this on for?
I feel you are overtaking me regarding working through the stages of limerence as I see what you have put in place is having a major impact to his life, I envy you and congratulate you. Please don’t backslide when he puts all this pressure back onto you remember IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. You are quite right in that he will have a very limited support structure to go to as us men don’t tend to be as open with other men so he will have only 2 options. 1. Come to you for support whilst having all the benefits of an AP/LO in tow. 2. Go to the AP/LO for support, this is a GOOD thing! A’s remain successful due to the lack of responsibility that’s involved, they basically live a life of absolute ease BUT when one has to face the realities of finances and day-to-day issues such as somewhere to live it burst the fantasy bubble. Do you think the AP/LO will support him through all this? Once he sees there is little she wants in him that she faces normally and the R starts to experience these kinds of pressures the cracks start to drive the wedge between them and they get further and further apart until SNAP the fantasy is gone. What next?
I’ve a feeling he will pursue you a lot more going forward BUT to see if you remain a viable second choice, don’t be second choice. I think you know what you need from him to bring him back to the M and you must stick to that, continue to do what you’re doing and remain detached from him it’s having an impact. Look after your kids but it seems they’re looking after you and that’s great mine are the same and it amazes me with the amount of wisdom that comes from them. Its true Dr’ing thinking with a beginner’s mind and I listen to them as much as I can.
Well done and take care.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I would imagine there is nothing harder than a parent having to watch their child addicted to a deadly drug (heroin, crack, etc.), and no matter how much they try and help their child, they just keep using. Experts say that if you enable the child by offering them help when they need it, a place to crash when they can't pay their rent, etc., the longer they are able to carry on with their addiction. The child will not want to change, until they hit rock bottom and reality sets in. It's hard to get reality to set in when the drug covers up so much of real life, so it's gotta get bad for them to want to change.
Your H is in a state much like a drug addict. He wants to do what he wants, but he still wants your support, sympathy, love, etc., to make his fantasy easier when he's not high and facing reality.
Your H is starting to face reality, the things that he's doing shows that when he is not receiving the high from OW, hes reaching out to you, but when he's with her, he will stay silent forever.
Don't be there to support him when he wants you to, be there for him when he's changed and you want to be there. I'm curious as to why you were even considering responding to that text. He didn't ask a question, he wasn't discussing anything to do with spending time with the children, or anything else that would be important for you to respond.
As I understand it, a physically abusive husband will often beat the crap out of his wife one night, and then show remorse the next day.. Unfortunately many wives use that remorse as a reason to stay, as it somehow makes up for the beating. Don't be that person, accept an apology when he treats you well and does the right thing, all the time. Until then, just stay back and let him hit rock bottom.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
SJ, I can't remember if you've retained a lawyer yet but you might want to consider it. If your H is racking up CC debt then that COULD come back to haunt you in the D. You may need to be documenting this somehow so you can demonstrate the debt is is post-separation and not part of the martial assets/ debts. The only way to sort that out is with a lawyer. Good luck and hang in there!
