Hello all... I want to give an update to how things are going. This last week on my days off I made it a point to go out and GAL. I went out cycling, went out with friends and concentrated on doing activities with the kids. All in all it was pretty good. I put on a happy face (even when sad) whenever i was around the WAW.
I received a text this morning from her saying "Something seems off with you. Is there something you want to tell me?" I just validated her statement by saying "No. Anything specific? What would make you feel better?" She replied with "It's not about me, it's about you. You seem off. Have you reached a point where your angry with me? I feel like your up to something." I again just tried to validate by saying "I can see how you would feel that way. I am just working on myself." That's it.... My first thought was maybe she has noticed my distance and me GAL. But then the gremlins sneak in my head. Maybe I'm doing more harm than good. Maybe my frustrations are creeping out in a way i don't notice (a look, a tone of voice, etc.)
An example of my frustrations are sometimes i feel like my WAW uses our daughter as a pawn to elicit a response from me. Such as her planning activities with our daughter on one or two of the days i am home (which is the only time i get to spend with her) but i rationalize her actions to minimize my frustrations.
Maybe make plans in advance on the days you are off with your D and let the W know about them? Maybe even invite the W if you feel like it, but if you feel like you would struggle too much "putting a happy face on", then don't invite her. Just connect with your D. If the W tries to interfere with those plans, then enforce your boundary.
I wish i could do as good as you on the boundary setting and validation phrases.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
Maybe make plans in advance on the days you are off with your D and let the W know about them? Maybe even invite the W if you feel like it, but if you feel like you would struggle too much "putting a happy face on", then don't invite her. Just connect with your D. If the W tries to interfere with those plans, then enforce your boundary.
I wish i could do as good as you on the boundary setting and validation phrases.
Thanks Guzzard... KGuy, making any plans known sounds like a good idea. I have been operating as if things between us hasn't changed (when it comes to our daughter). That validation this morning wasn't easy. Constantly fighting myself to not get too involved when it comes to R talk....
From what I have seen, most WW's do not see their H being happy and having a full life without her. She sees herself moving on with a great life, while he pines away for her. So, when he is not showing the reaction she had mentally pictured.........it surprises her and she wants to know what's going on with him. She is curious, maybe even suspicious. Don't be surprised if you see moodiness, resentment, or other signs of anger that's connected to you appearing happy and enjoying life without her. Although it makes no sense to you......it boils down to her illogical, egotistical mindset. She said it wasn't about her, but she lied. Everything is about her!
Keep your calendar full of GAL activities. Keep a healthy balance between doing things with your kids.... and finding time for yourself......and GAL with adults.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sani2, you have seen the opposition's playbook and are so helpful.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
From what I have seen, most WW's do not see their H being happy and having a full life without her. She sees herself moving on with a great life, while he pines away for her. So, when he is not showing the reaction she had mentally pictured.........it surprises her and she wants to know what's going on with him. She is curious, maybe even suspicious. Don't be surprised if you see moodiness, resentment, or other signs of anger that's connected to you appearing happy and enjoying life without her. Although it makes no sense to you......it boils down to her illogical, egotistical mindset. She said it wasn't about her, but she lied. Everything is about her!
Keep your calendar full of GAL activities. Keep a healthy balance between doing things with your kids.... and finding time for yourself......and GAL with adults.
Will do sandi2, thanks for the input..... It's hard to continue down this path of DBing when i know it's affecting her in this manner. I know i have just begun to see the effects of DBing and I know i'm doing this for the right reasons, but it's still hard. Especially when i want more than anything for us to reconcile. The hard part is going to be how to judge if and when to engage in R talks with her. This week our youngest daughter will be away from home with friends. So I am trying to think positive thoughts about our interactions without her there. I will be planning as much GAL events as possible to minimize any alone time withe her...
Fof3, let her bring up the R. Don't do it. Read Sandi2's rules and study Validation for when these talks take place.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Will do sandi2, thanks for the input..... It's hard to continue down this path of DBing when i know it's affecting her in this manner. I know i have just begun to see the effects of DBing and I know i'm doing this for the right reasons, but it's still hard. Especially when i want more than anything for us to reconcile. The hard part is going to be how to judge if and when to engage in R talks with her.
Think of it as you working on the M. Most guys have opposite ideas of working on the M, and it just pulls them further away. In most cases, things get worse before getting better, but it won't take as long if you maintain a plan of moving forward, improving yourself as a man, GAL, 180's, and reaching personal goals.
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This week our youngest daughter will be away from home with friends. So I am trying to think positive thoughts about our interactions without her there. I will be planning as much GAL events as possible to minimize any alone time withe her...
Good idea. When it comes to interactions, the best description I've read is the store checkout clerk. She may smile and speak to you.......and you follow suit. She may make small talk about the weather, say something to your child, or whatever. You reply with the same level of politeness/friendliness. When the business transaction is complete, you leave the store. You don't ask her personal questions. You don't try to pick her up. You don't initiate physical affection. You don't hold up the checkout line by finding something to talk about to her. See what I mean? It's a professional decorum......light, friendly, and then you are on your way.
I suggest that you do not view this week as a time to get closer to your W. Use the checkout clerk for your example of interaction. Stay away from the house as much as possible. Stay away from her, as much as possible. Really pull back. She'll notice even more while D is gone this week....so use it in your favor. Do not initiate relationship talks! You are not interested in R talks. If she initiates a R talk, you do one thing and one thing only.......LISTEN. You may nod your head occasionally, but you do not engage by expressing your thoughts and feelings. You see, most H's who have the NGS will want to tell their WW how they "feel", and remind them once again that they don't want a divorce. Well, stop doing it. Do not tell her you don't want a D. Don't talk about your feelings! She doesn't care about your feelings....or what you think. Your feelings and thoughts should be a complete mystery to her as long as she stays in this wayward condition. Therefore, just listen and don't show emotion.
If her talk becomes an onslaught of put downs or other forms of verbal disrespect........you need to immediately leave the house. Don't stand there and tolerate disrespect. You don't tell her anything, just leave. Here's the thing, R talks are not the solution when there's a WW. At best, you might feel better for venting, but I promise you it has settled nothing and everything resumes the next day. Why? B/c she has not changed, and you can't fix her or the MR by having R talks. I know how frustrating it is when you can't talk it out. However, it puts the H at a disadvantage to share his feelings and thoughts with a WW. Actually, she should be concerned about what you may thinking and feeling. The only way to communicate with a wayward is through action.
So, this week I want you to act as if you are a little excited about your life. You don't tell her that. You just have a good attitude. Don't over kill. Be mysterious. She'll ask questions. Don't lie, but give vague answers. She'll get angry, but so what? She's angry b/c she can't manipulate you. Waywards are jealous, and she'll want to know details, but don't give her anything. This is a good time to do things out of the norm, for you. Like, not being there for dinner (or if you normally cook dinner......not cooking dinner), going out on a work night, going out of the room to take phone calls, looking at your watch often and then leaving. Getting a call and then quickly getting ready and leave. Buy a different brand, more expensive, cologne, get something new to wear, change something about yourself.
Okay, now some may say this is playing games, or trying to make her jealous, or acting as if you are having an affair. No, that's not the point. The point is making you appear more interesting. The point is to relate a message, and that message tells her you can have an enjoyable personal life without her.......and, you don't have to give her an account. She has lost interest in you. She is bored with you. She is centered on herself. So, have a little fun this week, and let her think whatever.
I do not encourage men to flirt or go out with other women, in order to make their WW jealous. I think it complicates things when you bring another party into the mix. So, just want to make that clear. You are just being mysterious by doing things out of your normal routine. This is therapy, of sorts, for you. Find something to do, if nothing but go to a bookstore and read. Don't sit home spending time with her. Give her a lot of space.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
WOW sandi2..... Thanks so much for all the insight. I am definitely my own worst enemy by over thinking everything right now but i am going to make a conscious effort to GAL this week. A lot of really good points you are making. I will let you all know how it goes. Wish me luck 😅
