Although I might experience some sort of a slight version of panic/anxiety attacks especially when going to sleep (body starts to feel warm and anxiety kicks in). Hopefully the SSRI helps.
Yeah that sounds like a panic attack. The real telling sign is that you can't lay or sit still when it happens. Fight-or-flight kicks in and since there's no fight at hand your reaction is to flee. It's from our caveman days and was a defense mechanism. It makes no sense today, and ESPECIALLY makes no sense as a reaction to BD or separation, but yet there it is. So your mind and body are telling you to flee, but from what? And to where? Very frustrating. So you end up wandering around trying to calm yourself down. I had some attacks that were so bad that I literally thought I would die from it. It gave me a new appreciation for what people go through when they say they have chronic depression and/ or panic attacks. It is nothing to be trifled with.
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I also realize that I've done the most stupidest things, like saying that I want us to be together in the future, I want this to work, It's hard to let go of something you love blahblah...
We all did. Very few of us found DBing right after BD. Usually it was weeks or months later after we had done everything wrong. Just learn from it and keep moving forward!
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My wife send me some pictures of my D again yesterday and I didn't respond.
It's OK to respond, especially if it's regarding the kids. Try not to initiate convos, but if she starts it's OK to reply. Just be the first to leave the convo if it drags on.
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I now know how to handle these situations but I seriously doubt she has learned anything at all.
Don't get too cocky DBing is a lifelong process. It is understanding that we don't know everything, can't fix everything, aren't perfect and neither is anyone else. It is learning to live with what we don't understand, and being content not to understand.
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She was always bad at communicating as I had to really pursue the info out of her; Almost beg her to tell what's wrong.
This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but the problem with bad communication isn't HER, it's BOTH OF YOU. For example, begging her to tell you what is wrong is a failure on your part to communicate properly. When you ask someone what is wrong, you put them on the defensive. You are saying "tell me what is wrong so I can tell you how to fix it". You do not ask that or demand they tell you, you ask something like "it seems like something is bothering you, would you like to talk about it?" If she doesn't then you just say "I'm sorry you're feeling down, if you would like to talk about it later I am here for you!" If she does want to talk, just listen and validate, don't try to fix.
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I see that I tried to make her happy by being more with her but she wasn't receptive which made me more repulsive as well.
Have you read the 7 Love Languages? If not then please do. You may be trying to show her love in your own languages, but her languages may be something completely different. If her primary language is Words of Affirmation and you're always giving her gifts but never offering WoA (which are NOT compliments, it's something completely different), you're not even on her emotional radar. Couples rarely have the same LL, but they almost always try to show love through their own LL and it just leads to resentment and misunderstandings.
"Have you read the 7 Love Languages? If not then please do. You may be trying to show her love in your own languages, but her languages may be something completely different. If her primary language is Words of Affirmation and you're always giving her gifts but never offering WoA (which are NOT compliments, it's something completely different), you're not even on her emotional radar. Couples rarely have the same LL, but they almost always try to show love through their own LL and it just leads to resentment and misunderstandings."
This! I mocked our differences and ridiculed it and now I wish i took it more seriously earlier: mine is service and my W is gifts. Guess what we both hated about the other not doing? Yup!
Sorry, The FIVE Love Languages. Not sure why I keep adding two more to it, maybe I'm thinking of "Words Other Than Bomb Drop" and "Not Clinging to the Edge of the Bed Like Your Spouse has Leprosy" LOL
Thanks AS. I can see and understand now that I was bad at communicating too. It doesn't matter anymore in this sitch though.
Well, about the repulsive; it worked previously. I think she was already partially checked out.
But now GALing. Drove 2 hours and cried most of it. At least SSRIs haven't made me suicidal...yet. I thought about this and I decided that I want something else from my life. I know it's pointless to say now that my wife is in love with someone else... but I don't think I deserved this and I would never be able to forgive it even though for some reason she wanted to take a bad husband back. I want to start fresh to create new memories. I want to feel the honeymoon again. I think this is easier if I stop hoping something to happen and really just force me to see myself with someone else. That's what she's done. I let them have the happily ever after.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
DBing is a lifelong process. It is understanding that we don't know everything, can't fix everything, aren't perfect and neither is anyone else. It is learning to live with what we don't understand, and being content not to understand.
