Do you want to be emotionally unsupportive, disrespectful and demeaning to those you love? If not, do a 180 on those things. Become a better man not just towards your w but to your children and friends and other people in your life. Learn to really listen without interrupting, correcting, or fixing. Just listen, listen, listen. Only offer your opinion if solicited.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Well put Gordie. I want to make all my negative attributes into positive strengths. I know i have a lot of work to do but i can do it. I just pray it's not to late.
While reviewing the DR book a question came to mind. In the "Do something different" area of the M is she referring to before or after the BD? Before for me i was distant and detached from the M (on cruise control), but after the BD i have been more attentive, caring and compassionate. Just not sure what i am supposed to be changing. The new behavior or the old
Read the whole book. There is a lot of trial and error involved. Do what works. Stop doing what doesn't. If giving her a lot of time and space to be alone calms her, then do that. If she feels you are ignoring her and gets angry, stop doing that. If giving her attention makes her angry, stop doing that. If giving her attention opens her up to you, then keep doing that. Does that make sense? There's no one recipe that will work for all situations so you need to experiment to see what works for you. If you read enough threads you will find people in similar situations and you can learn from them too. Take one day at a time.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
While reviewing the DR book a question came to mind. In the "Do something different" area of the M is she referring to before or after the BD? Before for me i was distant and detached from the M (on cruise control), but after the BD i have been more attentive, caring and compassionate. Just not sure what i am supposed to be changing. The new behavior or the old
Hello and welcome to the forums! Please try and read as many of Sandi's posts as you can, she was a WAW and she can give you a lot of insight into what your W is thinking and feeling right now. Right now you are making the mistake a lot of us make/ made, you are trying to shower her with attention to make up for the lack of it during the M. While on the face of it this may seem like a "180" and the "right thing to do", it does not take into account your W's mentality right now, which is that she is DONE and wants NOTHING to do with you. So the more you try to show her how affectionate you can be, the more disgusted and repulsed she gets. And I'm not kidding with those words, that's how she feels about your advances right now. She's asking for space and you're doing the opposite! You need to give her what she wants. Space is what she wants, pursuit is what YOU want. Separation is what she wants, staying together is what YOU want. For once in your M, you have to quit putting your own needs in front of hers. It will be the hardest thing you ever do, but you've got to back off and quit pressuring her.
There is every reason to hang onto hope, if you can remove the pressure from her she will quit feeling like she needs to escape ASAP and she may put things in neutral. Then that will give you time to show her your improvements, and you'll need a LOT of time for that because at first she'll think they're just tricks to get her back. Eventually she'll realize you really have changed and maybe then she'll start being attracted to you again.
You've got to be patient, we're not kidding when we say this is a marathon. You're looking at many months or even a year or more. But hang in there, DBing takes time but it is effective.
Let me clarify what i meant in my post. It seems to me that your work has taken you away from your family. As part of GAL, take advantage of the change in the job sitch and focus on the kids and the best way would be to be at home with them.
I guess i misunderstood the part where you said you spend time together and thought when you were there you were enjoying each other's copmpany. If she has been rejecting your advances, then stop that altogether and detach. Focus on other things. Take your kids out of the house as much as possible and give her space while taking advantage of the change in job sitch to spend more time doing GAL things.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
While reviewing the DR book a question came to mind. In the "Do something different" area of the M is she referring to before or after the BD? Before for me i was distant and detached from the M (on cruise control), but after the BD i have been more attentive, caring and compassionate. Just not sure what i am supposed to be changing. The new behavior or the old
Hello and welcome to the forums! Please try and read as many of Sandi's posts as you can, she was a WAW and she can give you a lot of insight into what your W is thinking and feeling right now. Right now you are making the mistake a lot of us make/ made, you are trying to shower her with attention to make up for the lack of it during the M. While on the face of it this may seem like a "180" and the "right thing to do", it does not take into account your W's mentality right now, which is that she is DONE and wants NOTHING to do with you. So the more you try to show her how affectionate you can be, the more disgusted and repulsed she gets. And I'm not kidding with those words, that's how she feels about your advances right now. She's asking for space and you're doing the opposite! You need to give her what she wants. Space is what she wants, pursuit is what YOU want. Separation is what she wants, staying together is what YOU want. For once in your M, you have to quit putting your own needs in front of hers. It will be the hardest thing you ever do, but you've got to back off and quit pressuring her.
There is every reason to hang onto hope, if you can remove the pressure from her she will quit feeling like she needs to escape ASAP and she may put things in neutral. Then that will give you time to show her your improvements, and you'll need a LOT of time for that because at first she'll think they're just tricks to get her back. Eventually she'll realize you really have changed and maybe then she'll start being attracted to you again.
You've got to be patient, we're not kidding when we say this is a marathon. You're looking at many months or even a year or more. But hang in there, DBing takes time but it is effective.
Very helpful.... Thank you.
Question.... I have an interview next week which would bring me even closer to home and it wouldn't give me a place to stay away from home the few nights a week like i am now (like she wants). I would like to do this to have a more concrete schedule, more time off to spend with the kids and more time for GAL'ing. However, I don't want this to be perceived by her that this is me pursuing. Plus, like you stated above I need to give her the time and space she has requested. This career move might take some of that space away (unless I find someplace to stay those few nights).
Great insight Sandi2... What consequences do they need to see/experience for them to wake up per say?
Hi, I saw your message on another thread.
To answer your question, first let me explain something else. I believe there are two sets of women, so to speak, that often require a difference in the approach. The woman who leaves the M b/c her H was abusive or was involved in something she could not tolerate in her life, and she has to leave him in order to survive. IMHO, this woman is the walk away wife. The DR book gives excellent advice in how to deal with a WAW. There is another type of woman who is a different animal from the woman who basically runs from her H, to survive. This woman is wayward. MWD does not separate the WAW and WW in her books. After years of reading and observing these two distinct types, I began using the term WW in my posts. If you read my previous post, where I gave a short description, it will help save space and time here.
As long as a WW benefits from both sides in her life (the marriage and family activities on one side......and the GGW lifestyle and OM on the other), the chances of her turning away from her waywardness are very slim. However, when she begins losing the benefits of being M to you, and loses having family activities.......due to her wayward lifestyle, those are consequences she has to face. When she can't finance a swanky new apartment, or buy the pretty clothes she wants b/c every penny goes to supporting herself.......those are consequences from her bad choices. Life is going to have consequences when you make stupid choices.
The WW is filled with a fantasy that she created. It takes learning a few things from the school of hard knocks, before some WW's begin to get the picture that it stems from their crazy, stupid, wayward choices. For others, they might wise up sooner, depending on the tough love the H has. I think it takes them losing "something" that really matters to them, before seeing effective results. The H cannot control his WW, but he can control what he does, and he does not have to roll over and play dead while she wipes her feet on him.
When a man has a wife who is wayward, he needs to get in touch with his values, standards, spiritual beliefs, and integrity. If he doesn't, he will be lost as to what he should do. He needs to know where he stands as a man, and know what he will tolerate and not tolerate in his life. With a WW, he will need to set boundaries. Not for her, but to protect himself from her disrespectful behavior toward him. No boundaries should ever include any acts of violence (just want to make that clear). If she does not honor/respect your personal boundary, then you are the one who responds with some type action to protect yourself. You cannot make her do anything.
An example of a boundary would be: I will not tolerate being cursed, screamed at, or other bad behavior during a phone conversation.
Consequences of disrespecting your boundary: I will disconnect the call without further notice and will not respond if my W tries to call back.
You are not telling her what to do. You are protecting your feelings from her disrespectful behavior. The consequences, should she choose to ignore your boundary, is to hear the disconnected call, and you not responding when she radials or texts you.
Make sense? There is a link about boundaries on the page Cadet sent you.
It's not your job to parent your W. It's not your job to punish her. Your job is to protect yourself, your kids, and your property. Just as we have property boundaries and would sit by while others destroyed it, you have to do the same for your self respect. You can learn how to stand by your boundaries, and enforce them with effective consequences.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Question.... I have an interview next week which would bring me even closer to home and it wouldn't give me a place to stay away from home the few nights a week like i am now (like she wants). I would like to do this to have a more concrete schedule, more time off to spend with the kids and more time for GAL'ing. However, I don't want this to be perceived by her that this is me pursuing. Plus, like you stated above I need to give her the time and space she has requested. This career move might take some of that space away (unless I find someplace to stay those few nights).
Hello Fof3,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best Fof3 and Dad that only a fool would leave. Getting a job closer to home allowing you a more concrete schedule and time with your kids is a good thing, right? (Not to mention a complete 180.)When you get the job make it all about the kids.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
