Welcome sophene, Sorry you have a reason to have found this site, but if you will come here and journal about the things your impulses tell you to say to him, rather than actually saying them to him, it will help. And believe me, we've all been there, in knowing how hard it is not to contact them, and just sitting praying that text will ding or phone will ring.
Your time will be better spent by focusing on you and your children right now. There are many good people on this forum who can encourage you on a daily basis. Post frequently to keep your story near the top, and you will get more responses that way. Also go into other people's threads and read their stories. That is very helpful with not feeling so very alone right now.
And I see your location is Atlanta, so if you need a real, live hug, I'm not very far away, just right over in AL. Hang in there!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Everyday is getting a little bit easier, when I need to cry, I go into my room, cry for a few minutes, and then put myself back together. This relieves my emotions for that day. I will implement my 180 in full force today: no contact unless it's kids and finances, no relationship talks, no intimacy of any kind, continue to be kind and not as available. This will be hard because I'm a very affectionate and sexual woman, but I must stand my ground and heal.
By doing this, I'm hoping to be mentally stronger and that my husband will realize the good that he had until it's gone. I can't give him the power to bring me down. I have support from my family and friends as well as this board.
Me: 37 H: 32 S:10 D: 9 Married: 11 years Sep: 6/25/17 D filed: 7/13/17
During our 2 weeks of separation, I borrowed DR from the library and implemented the GAL. I went out with some of my girlfriends and he started paying attention, but I keep backsliding and told him that we all missed him and want him to come back home. He keeps saying "we'll see" and says that he doesn't think that I'll every change. I know I have my flaws and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to repair our relationship, but at the same time, I'm so hurt and it's hard to let go and detach. It's so hard for me to concentrate in school and I want to cry everyday. I feel so lonely every night. We have a lot of debt to be paid and I feel like he's barely helping me out financially. I don't know what do to and in the end, me and the kids are the losers in this game.
Hello Sophene,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I think I'm just going to go through with this divorce. I can only take so much before I reach my breaking point. We are in about $35,000 in debt and he's finding excuses not to help me out. The credit cards are in my name but the purchases were from both of us.
He's living with a coworker right now and he says he's always broke, but when I check the account, he's spending money on frivolous things. I've been kind to him and asking him to please send some money so I can pay down our debts. He barely makes time for the kids because other things are more important right now. I'm going to school, taking care of the kids full time, maintaining the house and pets while he can go out and do whatever he wants. How is this fair for me?
I've taken ownership to my mistakes in the marriage but I would never screw him over like this. What did I do to deserve this? How am I supposed to protect myself financially without getting a divorce? At this point I don't know if it's a full blown affair and I cannot accept this. My life is too short for this crap, I've devoted 11 years of my life to him and I get screwed over in the end.
Maybe he doesn't realize that going through with this divorce will wake him up and realize that he's going to have to pay child support, alimony, a place to stay, his half of the debt, etc. He doesn't see the magnitude of his irresponsibleness. I get that he's not emotionally connected to me anymore, but at least be a responsible father and take ownership for his part of the debt. I just cannot let him get away with this. He thinks he can do whatever he wants to do without any consequences. I'm tired and frustrated and I just want to scream.
Me: 37 H: 32 S:10 D: 9 Married: 11 years Sep: 6/25/17 D filed: 7/13/17
I had a talk with him last night and he agreed to be friends first because he lost so much connection with me that he doesn't know if he can fall back in love with me again. I looked into his eyes and said that I apologized for every wrong and hurtful things I did to him. 12 years ago, when we were just friends in the Marine Corps, he heard the news that his closest cousin had passed away due to leukemia at the age of 12. He was crushed and cried in my arms. I was devastated and tried to comfort him as much as possible. I've never met his cousin but have heard wonderful things about her. At the time, I told him that God loved her so much that he wanted her for himself and that she will always be in his heart and watching over him. I told him to celebrate her life and not think about her death. At that moment, we knew that we were the one for each other.
Just when I was about to lose hope and just give into the divorce so he can be happy once and for all, his cousin came into my dreams Friday night. She had a message for me to forgive him and not give up on him. Mind you I have never met her and 12 years later, she came into my dreams. This was so strange to me.
I have no clue how the divorce process works, I've looked it up online for the laws in GA but I am still confused. Once he files, I have 30 days to file a complaint. He said that once we go before a judge, I can respond on whether I want the divorce or not. If we don't agree, the divorce process will take longer. He said he is willing to postpone once we have a hearing date. He already paid for a lawyer and now I have to borrow money to get a lawyer. This all could of been avoided if I had not impulsively threatened full custody. My emotions take over at times and I tend to react before I think about things, no wonder why I feel like a failure as a wife.
He said that he wanted us to be friends first so he can see the change in me. I admit, over the years, I didn't show him the attention that he needed and so he felt devalued as a husband. I used to be a very confident, social, and happy person. As the years go by, life takes over, I was stress, overwhelmed from the responsibilities as a mother, student, wife, and maintaining a household. I had built up resentment with him over time, we got into frequent arguments and slowly disconnected.
During this separation, I had a self-reflection on how I was wrong and how I treated my husband. I felt so bad and had apologized to him. I believe that deep down, he really doesn't want a divorce but is stuck. I just need to prove to him that I can change and make myself happy. I just don't know how to be friends with him because my emotions can take over. Any advice given will be appreciated.
Me: 37 H: 32 S:10 D: 9 Married: 11 years Sep: 6/25/17 D filed: 7/13/17
He said that he wanted us to be friends first so he can see the change in me. I admit, over the years, I didn't show him the attention that he needed and so he felt devalued as a husband. I used to be a very confident, social, and happy person. As the years go by, life takes over, I was stress, overwhelmed from the responsibilities as a mother, student, wife, and maintaining a household. I had built up resentment with him over time, we got into frequent arguments and slowly disconnected.
Just my 2 cents ... had he ever brought any of this up before?
It takes two in a M and I don't think you should burden all the blame.
If you've reflected and found things to work on for yourself then that is a good part of the process.
I was in your state recently, blaming myself and apologizing for everything... really though, while there are things I can work on to improve myself, I am certainly not fully at blame for the M. Both partners have to participate.
Me: 47 W: 44 M: 3 yrs; 10 years together D (Hers): 2000 BD: 06/01/2017 S: 06/01/2017
He has admit to his part of the failing marriage, but at the time, I was putting all the blame on him and didn't want to admit my part. After self-reflection, I realized that I was also part of the problem. I was negative, stubborn, and resistant to change. I guess it took rock bottom for me to realize that and I now know that I need to work on myself. For the longest time, I was in denial about our failing marriage until he was at his breaking point.
I really do need to work on myself so that I could be stronger with or without him. It's a little easier to detach everyday, but I have my moments where I'm really sad.
Me: 37 H: 32 S:10 D: 9 Married: 11 years Sep: 6/25/17 D filed: 7/13/17
sophene, TIME is a big part of the process. You are early. I know it stinks. I know it hurts but turn that pain into the energy to handle this is a way that will save your MR.
Follow Sandi's rules. Not for a couple days. For as long as it takes.
Don't bring up the R, ley H do it. Listen to me. It is for the greater good. It is very counter intuitive. It can work, but it takes time.
Tell him in text or any way you see fit about his S reaction. BTW, the kids are picking up on your reactions. Do it in a way that doesn't try to guilt or condemn.
Hang in there, you are not alone. TIME and any time that H gives you is a success.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
sophene, TIME is a big part of the process. You are early. I know it stinks. I know it hurts but turn that pain into the energy to handle this is a way that will save your MR.
Follow Sandi's rules. Not for a couple days. For as long as it takes.
Don't bring up the R, let H do it. Listen to me. It is for the greater good. It is very counter intuitive. It can work, but it takes time.
Tell him in text or any way you see fit about his S reaction. BTW, the kids are picking up on your reactions. Do it in a way that doesn't try to guilt or condemn.
Hang in there, you are not alone. TIME and any time that H gives you is a success.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Hello RR17, I understand I have to give it patience, but how do I get him to help pay for the bills? Whenever I bring up that he has financial responsibilities here, he ignores me. The credit card debts (which is in my name) that he contributed, cell phone, internet, electricity, water bill, etc. don't go away just because we are separated. I try not to bring up the relationship issue but I get frustrated that he doesn't want to help pay for bills but would spend money on other frivolous things. How can I protect myself financially? I'm still a student, taking care of the kids and pets full time, and maintaining a household. He hardly comes see the kids, it's so frustrating.
Me: 37 H: 32 S:10 D: 9 Married: 11 years Sep: 6/25/17 D filed: 7/13/17
