Limerence and My Situation 2

[Parkema]

Hi Tx,

I tried to stay in the family home and told her she should leave but was having none of it and continued to carry out her A in front of me without any remorse or respect for my feelings.
I literally was being systematically tortured mentally every day and had to put a border up for protection which meant me moving out. Hardest thing for me to do due to our kids still living there but at least now they see me 50% of the time BUT with none of the atmosphere...

I see now that this has just made it easier for her to move him in which hasn't happened yet! Don't understand that but it has allowed me to concentrate on the boys whilst not having anything to do with lala land and her moods which were preverlent due to the A and where her head is at at the moment.
I must admit I do feel moving out has just made her life more wonderful and easier to carry on her A, she has the best of both worlds. She can continue to be mum half the week whilst the other half she can be free to carry on with the AP/LO.

You can maybe understand now why I feel so dejected and unmotivated to carry on for what is right and bring my family back together..

Thanks Mark.

[AnotherStander]

You can maybe understand now why I feel so dejected and unmotivated to carry on for what is right and bring my family back together..

Are you sure that's what's "right"? It's not always the case. Focusing on you and your kids, that is always the right thing to do. Restoring a marriage with a cake-eating adulterer, I'm not so sure. Leave her to the mess she is making and reset your goals and focus to that which you have control over.

[SJW]

Hi Mark

Sorry not been about for a few days been so busy and got my Mum here at the kids request so now not getting a minute to myself.

I totally understand why you feel the way you do about making it easy for her but I could argue that by kicking my H out made it easier for him. The bottom line is they are going to do what they are going to do regardless and what we have done is the right thing to protect ourselves and our children. Don't over analyse it just hurts more. You did what was right for you.

Take care
SJ x

[Parkema]

Hi All,

I will always fight for my M as its definitely the right thing to do, again I won't have anybody tell me in a years time I didn't do everything I could to restore my M but AS I understand your advice and am using the DR method in doing this and am getting better and better at it.

In the UK now it’s the summer holidays (not much sun but there you go) and as such as you can imagine it’s very hard to deal with any plans the WW has with my 2 boys.
Yesterday my WW and her AP/LO took both my boys to a theme park, now my W rarely goes on these types of rides and I know S10 loves to ride them so my thought was how would this be managed..? As you can guess the AP/LO took him and sat next to him whilst he experienced the exhilaration/fun of the experience, something made perfectly clear when I FaceTimed them later last night to say goodnight as usual.

Don’t get me wrong I understand that both boys are having to live their lives in this situation and are trying to make everybody happy but behind closed doors I feel let down massively!
In a couple of weeks’ time I have to face the fact that they will be going away for 4 nights as a family, I think in a cabin somewhere but either way in close proximity to each other, what really hurts is the face of my boys and how happy they were last night. They are coping with this better than I am and too young to realise that excepting the actions of their mum and what she’s done to their dad is aiding her A IMO. I don’t blame them just hard to take.

The only saving grace I can get from all of this is that eventually guards will come down and the real people will eventually show up, at the moment I feel my W is being the best she can be with him and is expecting my boys to do the same but eventually with time my boys will resent this and start to misbehave. How will the A evolve from there..?

Having just read this back maybe I'm focusing on the A too much but on this occasion it involves my children I naturally think about them all the time.

Thanks for reading.

Mark.

[OwnIt]

I can't imagine my children meeting any of his skanky women. Thank goodness they are older and have told him that it is not happening.

The only silver lining I could possibly see is that everything that makes the affair more "real" makes it harder to stay in that ridiculous limerent state. Children are tired, cranky, complain, whine. I imagine seeing someone snap at your child or even replace their father might be difficult even for the person who brought all that into existence.

Try to keep some of that lovely hopefulness you came here with, but give it a good dose of reality.

[AnotherStander]

Really sorry Park, that sounds extremely difficult and I do not blame you at all for feeling down about it. It's bad enough to get fired as a husband but it's just adding insult to injury to have your WIFE working so actively to replace you while you're STILL MARRIED. Personally I think that speaks volumes for her complete lack of character. I hope you're coping OK, hang in there buddy!

[Parkema]

Hi OwnIt, AS,

Thanks for your support.

As a bloke we don’t tend to have a massive circle of “friends” who we can talk to about this subject and as you know family members tend to be biased against my stance.

I actually feel what WW is doing is helping me in a perverse type of way, if it’s all about dropping the rope well the way she’s treating me is defiantly helping in this regard. I’m having no choice but to stand back and evaluate my life as the direction she is going in does not involve me at all. Is it fortunate OR unfortunate to have children with these type of people (AP has 2 younger S as well) as totally DTR is impossible so I look at it as an advantage, I keep saying to myself “I’m going to get better and better each day and enjoy my life with my boys” I’m determined to show the world the best me and make her regret putting me back out there on the market.

As time goes by I tend not to focus on my situation but as we all know on here we could have gone through this and still standing for years but still these memories will flood our minds. Those are hard times and I don’t mind admitting getting emotional behind closed doors.

I am struggling with my goals at the moment as I get little opportunity to implement or understand how to implement them!
• Maintaining a conversation initiated by her.
• Getting her to notice me getting better and better, a “you look nice” would be amazing. Confidence is king! I MUST be uber confident in myself and smile all the time also being able to stand up for what I believe is right, no more Mr Nice Guy.
• To be acknowledged when leaving, a look and a smile or a wave to me by her would be deemed a success.
Only seeing her at drop-off and pick-up is the challenge, maybe a good goal would be if she was to temperature check the situation – thoughts…

Anyway thanks for being there.

Mark.

[25yearsmlc]

Park,

maybe this note I wrote to someone else, will help. They were in a similar "Pick me" dance with their WAS.
They asked how their spouse would notice their changes with so little contact.

1) You have children, so you know you Will have contact with each other, even if it's limited.

EMBRACE the time & space apart, so you can work on yourself.

It's a whole lot harder to GAL and or do 180s and or to just to think and reflect on changes you might want to make, if your WAS/MLCer is there in your face, silently stewing or loudly spewing.

AND - it's much easier for your WAS to notice changes on your end, when they only see you weekly/monthly or rarely.

Weight loss (yeah, the DB diet sure is effective, eh?) or a new hair style or clothing, are easier to notice when you don't see someone on a day to day basis.

New behaviors (being punctual instead of always late, for instance) are more noticeable to someone who only has limited interactions with you b/c they may be scrutinizing you more in those brief exchanges.

2) So you make the most of those interactions. Instead of being nervous (which we all were, trust me) learn to see the interactions as opportunities to demonstrate change on YOUR end.

Don't scrutinize her words or behavior. Do not make her your focus. Have zero expectations that the interaction will lead to anything, then.

YOU are your focus.

You are upbeat in front of the WAS, even if the interchange is 3 minutes...that's all YOU have anyhow, b/c you have to be on your way to the interesting person(s) you're meeting up with and doing fun things with in exciting new places...

This way you won't be posting here about how sad you were that the WAS "Didn't even ask me to join her watching a video/went running” or 'didn't want to come with me..."

3) SO Let her soak in the new you. Meaning, Do NOT expect her to notice AND comment quickly, about a new behavior in you.

There are things about the new you that they will not have figured out yet or come to trust are real and lasting…Plus the typical WAS/MLC is pretty self centered for awhile, so it will take TIME.

APs very distracting & will delay realizations on their end.

Like a ship headed for an iceberg, sometimes the "Get a Divorce NOW!" momentum is hard to redirect or stop.

Again, it takes TIME.

4) SO Make the most of the time. The KEY to Detachment is GAL.

Without GAL, you are very likely to obsess yourself into depression or desperation, and that's not a good place to be. And I know of no other way to DTR or detach, without GAL.

[Parkema]

Hi 25yearsmlc,

Thanks’ for your response.

You’ve opened my eyes and helped a great deal, it gives me hope and a course to focus on. I feel recently I’ve been doing the dance and am finally beginning to understand that there’s no point!

Again I truly L my WW and feel it’s right in fighting for my M and our family but need to be cleverer and bow to your experience. I have children and due to this I very often see her but am trying to detach better with no texts, calls or emails at all from me, I don’t pursue her but allow her to visit my boys when they stay over with me this has now evolved into her waiting outside and talking to them in the driveway I of course am nowhere to be seen.

My underlying issue still is the counter-intuitiveness of these actions, I am going to better myself for me and am doing a better job of GAL’ing, keeping fit (you’re right about the DR diet) and being more assertive with everyone but deep down I feel I need to be there for her in times of need. I feel I need to demonstrate that I can still be her best friend and a safe place to come to when she needs it.

I’m a firm believer in that people don’t leave something for something worse and without me demonstrating to her that I am the better option than the AP/LO where’s the draw?

MWD does mention that MOST A’s end in the first 6-months and the statistics I’ve been told favour the BS (only 5% of WS leave their M for another WS) and then are usually D within the first 5 years, but for me it’s how do I go about turning the tide back in favour of the M!
It’s been 8-months now since she says the A started, I moved out of the family home in Feb this year (2017) so feel I’ve still got a lot of time before the WW works through her issues and remembers that what we had wasn’t that bad, does that ever happen… The AP/LO is 5-years her junior and a full 14-years mine married with his own family one being a S4, how does an A affect a male WS is it different than for a female WS?

Anyway I feel I’m spending too much time and energy looking at the A and will take your advice UNTIL she comes to me then my actions will kick in and continue to hope for the best, either way I’m slowly beginning to realise I’ll be better whatever the outcome will be my boys I’m not so sure…

Thanks again.

Mark.

[Btrow]

I’m a firm believer in that people don’t leave something for something worse and without me demonstrating to her that I am the better option than the AP/LO where’s the draw?

She has known you for many years. She knows your strengths, your weaknesses, what you stand for etc. Right now with her wayward mindset, all that accounts for nothing, so I doubt there is much you can do to show her that you are the better option. With time she'll remember. Or OM will screw up. When that happens, there will be better opportunities for you to draw her closer to you. There was a great post in Teppos thread a couple of days ago (posted by 2016sux). If you haven't already, go read it.

I spent a lot of time studying the statistics as well, they mean nothing, plus some say 6 months some say 1 year etc etc. But they do however all mention that most affairs actually do die. At some point. Unfortunately all we can do, I think, is wait it out.