Going through divorce #2

[lcause]

I do understand it now though. I do have to let it go. I can't control her at all (I know I'm probably a broken record), but this is just the 2x4 I really needed. She wants to find her happiness.

I don't know if it's pathetic or rather "arrogant", but this just gave me a lot more motivation to be the best LC I can be. I want to really show them all that who I am and what I can accomplish. Maybe it's the anger kicking in - I don't know.

Now I'm going to sauna with my daughter, she's at my place for the weekend. Having fun and I'm really missing my children all the time they are not with me.

[lcause]

XW just texted that I shouldn't feel terrible that she contributed to the fall of the marriage too. She said that she doesn't think that we grew apart but that we didn't have the tools to nurture the R and neither one of us valued what we had. Validation and I agree.

Well, she seems to be understanding her problems already... Maybe the new R is going to last now that she actually knows her problems.

[lcause]

AS she contributed. And more like knew how to value, not value. Of course we valued what we had :P But basically just taking for granted.

[lcause]

I am feeling so down right now. Just walked my D back to my XWs place.

It feels so bad to be replaced by someone else. All the dreams destroyed, all the hope lost. I feel that she's been with the OM for the weekend. With my S.

I just can't understand how you can find someone new this quickly and why? Would be a huge coincidence since who would just randomly go to talk to soon-to-be-divorced woman with a 5-6 months old baby? What kind of a man does this? I would never do this because I know it would be messed up in so many ways (doubt the woman is entirely over the M, a baby and the feelings of the ex).

I don't understand how I am supposed to get over this. Felt already much better... now I am so down again. So so down. Where do I get the willpower to do anything else than to stare the walls and sob?

[Btrow]

I am feeling so down right now. Just walked my D back to my XWs place.

It feels so bad to be replaced by someone else. All the dreams destroyed, all the hope lost. I feel that she's been with the OM for the weekend. With my S.

I just can't understand how you can find someone new this quickly and why? Would be a huge coincidence since who would just randomly go to talk to soon-to-be-divorced woman with a 5-6 months old baby? What kind of a man does this? I would never do this because I know it would be messed up in so many ways (doubt the woman is entirely over the M, a baby and the feelings of the ex).

I don't understand how I am supposed to get over this. Felt already much better... now I am so down again. So so down. Where do I get the willpower to do anything else than to stare the walls and sob?

You'll get over it with time. Just accept for yourself that it is in fact going to take some time. We all started our journey by staring at the walls (sometimes I still do, 8 months down the line, but is fading more and more, day by day).

You dont know OM's intentions. Maybe he's just taking advantage of a vulnarable woman. Who knows. And maybe her seing her problems can lead the way back to you for a new improved R. Nobody knows anything about the future.

But You can speed up your process. And you can make the best possible future for yourself. With or without W. Just listen to all the advice her regarding GAL etc.

And where to find the will power?

Maybe you should listen to this guy's advice:

I don't know if it's pathetic or rather "arrogant", but this just gave me a lot more motivation to be the best LC I can be. I want to really show them all that who I am and what I can accomplish

Then use that ;-)

[SwHubby]

Hi lcause,

I'm thinking about you and can relate a lot to your sitch. It feels awful to be is this position!

But I think that you are trying to mind read and you spend WAY to much time thinking about her and what she's doing. It's sad but it's not your business at the moment. Your job is to take care of yourself and your kids. You cannot know how she feels about OM, yourself and your family. Do not trust anything she says and only parts of what she does. No matter how much you think you know your W, this is a crisis for her as well (even if you get the impression that she's currently happy) and ppl act differently in crisis than they normally does.

25 told me about searching for videos about positive psychology and power posture on youtube. Could be something for you?

How's job searching? Remember you wrote something earlier about this. I think getting a career will be really important for your self-confidence.

Just go out! Go to a café, library, cinema, concerts, meet friends and family if possible. You need human contact, just saying "hi" and smile to an elderly woman (and making her day) is better than staying at home.

How's your GAL overall? I get the impression that you spend to much time obsessing over W and what she's doing, how she's feeling and thinking. As you say, there's only one person you can control. And living the best possible life for yourself and your kids is the way to go - regardless of what W thinks/does/says. And DOING is the only way you can influence her. Try not to tell her about your life and what you are doing to improve yourself.

Do you contact her on occasion? Try to minimize contact. Make a schedule for the kids and keep it. Do not engage with her when you are seeing your kids unless neccessary. Keep your cool, and make plans with kids or after being with kids so you cannot stay behind and talk. It won't help you.

However, this is easier said than done! I know that. But if I plan for a bunch of GAL activities, I will usually manage to do like 50% of it.

I hope you will feel stronger again soon!

[lcause]

You'll get over it with time. Just accept for yourself that it is in fact going to take some time. We all started our journey by staring at the walls (sometimes I still do, 8 months down the line, but is fading more and more, day by day).

You dont know OM's intentions. Maybe he's just taking advantage of a vulnarable woman. Who knows. And maybe her seing her problems can lead the way back to you for a new improved R. Nobody knows anything about the future.

But You can speed up your process. And you can make the best possible future for yourself. With or without W. Just listen to all the advice her regarding GAL etc.

And where to find the will power?

Maybe you should listen to this guy's advice:

I don't know if it's pathetic or rather "arrogant", but this just gave me a lot more motivation to be the best LC I can be. I want to really show them all that who I am and what I can accomplish

Then use that ;-)

Thanks. Well... I don't know. If they end up more together, it feels like a death blow. I can already picture them getting married... it really does hurt. So much.

Currently just being so emotional. She has everything in her world and I have nothing. I miss my kids, I miss my wife, I miss my life. I will never score as a good chick as her. And all the time my kids are with me I'm so overwhelmed with it. Play with the D and constantly keep watching after S... all alone.

I fall again on watching the stupid WhatsApp. She wasn't on at all the weekend - my D waited an answer for an hour. Now that she's at a birthday party with all the relatives and both my kids, somehow she's constantly on WhatsApp. So much for "seeing each other a few times", right?

Hi lcause,

I'm thinking about you and can relate a lot to your sitch. It feels awful to be is this position!

But I think that you are trying to mind read and you spend WAY to much time thinking about her and what she's doing. It's sad but it's not your business at the moment. Your job is to take care of yourself and your kids. You cannot know how she feels about OM, yourself and your family. Do not trust anything she says and only parts of what she does. No matter how much you think you know your W, this is a crisis for her as well (even if you get the impression that she's currently happy) and ppl act differently in crisis than they normally does.

25 told me about searching for videos about positive psychology and power posture on youtube. Could be something for you?

How's job searching? Remember you wrote something earlier about this. I think getting a career will be really important for your self-confidence.

Just go out! Go to a café, library, cinema, concerts, meet friends and family if possible. You need human contact, just saying "hi" and smile to an elderly woman (and making her day) is better than staying at home.

How's your GAL overall? I get the impression that you spend to much time obsessing over W and what she's doing, how she's feeling and thinking. As you say, there's only one person you can control. And living the best possible life for yourself and your kids is the way to go - regardless of what W thinks/does/says. And DOING is the only way you can influence her. Try not to tell her about your life and what you are doing to improve yourself.

Do you contact her on occasion? Try to minimize contact. Make a schedule for the kids and keep it. Do not engage with her when you are seeing your kids unless neccessary. Keep your cool, and make plans with kids or after being with kids so you cannot stay behind and talk. It won't help you.

However, this is easier said than done! I know that. But if I plan for a bunch of GAL activities, I will usually manage to do like 50% of it.

I hope you will feel stronger again soon!

Thanks. I know I spent way too much time thinking what my wife is doing, but I can't help it. I don't have any GALs that would do it, and those would either be dating a new one or being drunk/with friends. I don't really have friends and I rarely see others. So when I'm "GALing" by doing something alone I like, I still think about her and the OM all the time. And the life I'm missing.

Job searching does not go well. Nothing. I think I need to study again. I'm so lost. It would be a huge confidence boost, but it's just so impossible.

I don't want to go anywhere. I would be alone. It [censored]. My future just plain [censored]. I'm probably just gonna spend the rest of my life in my poor job and sit on my computer in my free-time.

I never imagined I would be in this situation. I never thought after the BD that my wife would meet someone so quickly. Obviously I knew it is a possibility that she'd find the new one in the future, but in mere 2 months??? This is all just so overwhelming.

[lcause]

I saw XW today when I went to take some stuff to my D that she left to my apartment. XW asked if I wanted to feed S and read a bed time story for D.

After that XW offered me some pizza and ice cream. She told me she sleeps very poorly as D&S sometimes fall asleep nearly midnight and S keeps waking her up constantly, that she rarely gets more sleep than an hour straight. D sometimes wakes XW&S up at 5am... I was stupid and feeling so bad for her that I offered to take D&S out tomorrow so she could take a nap daytime which she thanked me for.

Why is it that after I see her/spend time with her I immediately feel better? I would have thought I would be feeling even more down as it should remind me even more of what I can't have. Pretty odd. Maybe it's my subconscious tricking me thinking that "whatever, I'm with her right now!!!" or something similar.

[lcause]

Somehow the OM case makes me want to talk to her, but I guess that only pushes her towards the OM. I don't think I have any hope left. It's really hard to find someone worse a partner than I was, at least at the end, thus how could I ever be a better one for her? I think she's still very emotional about the sitch (D said mommy cries a lot) so it could be a rebound... but my luck the guy is on with it and it'll last.

I'm now really searching for a new job and possibly starting to take SSRIs. Haven't been able to sleep really since the second bomb dropped. The job would be a massive confidence boost and possibly pull me out of this completely if I would find something I enjoy.

[lcause]

I'm sorry to all the people who have commented to my sitch and for those who have followed or read this. I really appreciate your support and all the comments and help I've got. This board is currently the only proper source where I can push my emotions into, except for IC/therapy. I come out as a super emotional and I get that people don't want to comment to my sitch that much since it's just all whining.

I get that. I totally do. I wish I could just get over this but I really do love my XW and my family. The OM BD just really got me emotional and I haven't slept at all - I am sorry for that. My S, the baby is really what makes this all so hard for me.

I do know I need to GAL, I do take all the advice but I just can't somehow act on it I cry a lot and wish the time would just skip a year or two. Maybe this is all normal. I don't know. I really wish I would have hope. This family is my dream , but currently it is a nightmare where I try to catch them but I just fall down to the abyss.

One thing made me smile a bit - a year, two, three from now - if these boards are still up, I'm really curious to read all this through in my new life. I went through multiple posts and noticed some people were still super attached to their ex's 3 years from the BD which made me feel bad.

I guess I will eventually find my place. It just hurts so much right now to be substituted by someone else - my S WILL start calling her dad since he is so young. That is probably what hurts the most. I seriously don't understand my WAS - she understands that men can change after BD, she even told me that she read men need a big bomb before they realize and then it's too late. She told me she knows her faults and it was not mine only. She knows she didn't value the R either, but she had very deep love on me as she waited for so long for me to change but still was happy overall. She still says she believes we can eventually find each other again if the situation is right. She does not hate me and asks me to tell her how I feel... I don't understand. I thought the script was that the WAS absolutely hates the LBS? Mine likes me as a person, as a dad but just doesn't have the feelings one should feel for their spouse.

It is so confusing. I know I should stop wondering. I know people are really frustrated with me. I know. I guess I need to take a break from these forums and find another source to vent. Sorry.