Yes I feel confused because my family just wants whats best for the boys but I don't feel like what's best for them always aligns with what's best for me so I struggle there. My mom and dad have only talked to H once and that was just recently, prior to that for the first 4 months or so nothing was said to him. My uncle and he are pretty close and what he says to him is on his own accord with what little knowledge he has of the situation, which is just that he moved out.
Yes, the steroids mess with his mind and he started them in early May right after the baby was born, that's when he becamse more quiet/distant/secretive but who knows if it was coincidental, I haven't put much thought into it besides recognizing he may have 'roid rage' lol
Hi Sandi,
Umm so regarding last night or the goodnight in general. I didn't look at is blackmail, I just thought it would be polite in front of the boys and I wouldn't do it otherwise, but if you think it's bad then I won't do it and I will leave the room when he comes in to say goodnight. The only issue is that the boys sleep in bed with me now and we watch a movie together every night before bed. H stays on the couch during this time and there is no set time that I can anticipate him coming to the bedroom. Normally, I had been sending the boys out there around 10pm to say goodnight so that he didn't have to come in my room. However, the last few nights he has been coming in here himself before that.. but I will just start sending them out there earlier.
I didn't say anything to S9 because I don't really know why. He knows H doesn't do that, I have had the talk with both the boys about what is going on so they both know these things and don't ask about him coming places with us anymore. They really don't ask about him at all TBH. S9 remembers last time, so he has distanced himself from H. S6 greets H at the door and will spend time with him if H asks.
So I will continue doing what I'm doing and not acknowledging H. I already said something to S9 last night about not saying stuff like that to H and I reminded S6 the same thing because he was laying in bed with us when we talked about it.
And yes, I definitely believe someone is advising him I just don't know that he's gotten legal representation yet, but I could be wrong. I made a couple of phone consults for next week. As soon as I get the clear of telling him he's not welcome here as long as it won't hurt me for custody purposes I am going to do it.
I still feel super torn about tomorrow and no closer to my decision.
I think all of us are trying to help in our own way, b/c we can see your confusion and the struggles you are having. I give very little to the subject of what to do legally, b/c I know very little about it. Based on posts scattered across the board, it seems strange that most LBH's take a major hit from his WW........and it was either your thread or some other LBW's that their lawyer indicated the WH would practically be untouched. Maybe the secret is in being the WAS. . (JK).
It has been my experience to notice how LBS's biggest DB struggles appear to be in balancing a new application. It doesn't help, if they are receiving various avenues of advice. Considering their emotional state, there's no wonder they feel confused. Sometimes, it helps to take a few days away from everyone's opinion. With your finals coming, don't bog down with all of us talking in your ear here.
I want to help you if I see you getting confused or out of balance about your actions, and that's why I wrote what I did in my previous post.
I know you are going do what is best for your little guys......and for you, too. Sometimes you have to take a day at a time, and sometimes, you have to keep the big picture view.
Not at all sure why your dad suggested H going along to the game. I see no purpose for the two of you going together.........not while you are trying to detach and drop the rope. Once divorced, will both sides of the family travel together to the games? Meh, who knows, but right now you are just trying to get to the point you don't care what he does......and you are not there yet. No wonder you get confused!
When all else fails to compute, do what you think if best, T.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm with Ginger on the soccer game (and divorce or separation for that matter). I think we all care about you and want to help you, that like Blu says, it is too much advice. You have to dig in and figure out what is best for you. As all these divergent opinions should tell you, there is no right way to do this. There can be regrets and mistakes with any path you choose. Ultimately you and the boys have to live with the decisions you make.
I sure would love to borrow your dad. You are a lucky girl. Have fun at the soccer game, with or without H.
I agree, T, just go and have fun. And FYI, today when we met IRL, Ownit and I both agreed if we could, we would drive to your house, hug you and your boys, (and your sweet Dad), kick H's a$$, then do whatever we need to do to be your wolfpack. LOL.
Life's too short, girlfriend. Just live it one day at the time.
((((T)))))
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Leah - I would looveee that!! We would have such a good time and you guys would love my dad in person even more so than what I write about him on here, I seriously am so lucky to have him and I know that even if we butt heads every now and again. He had a few drinks in him this afternoon and was cracking me up.
Sandi and Own - there is so much different advice for particulars but it leads to the same goal - drop the rope, stop caring what he's doing or how what interaction will affect XYZ. I know I am still operating with fear and I'm working on that. I feel I have gotten better with day to day interactions and what not but I know that I am not detached as I should be and I still analyze my actions. I hope that once I have legal representation and a financial plan with the L that I will let go of if I do A will he do B. I am very concerned about him yanking finances and unfortunately that's what drives a lot of my fear and choices.
I don't want him to go tomorrow, I really don't. I know I will have more fun without him. We are tailgating with a bunch of other families that we normally hang with and I know it will infuriate me seeing H there acting like we are a happy little family. I invited my brother to go and haven't heard back from him so I'm hoping that may be my easy way out.
I made sure to be gone tonight when H came to the house. I took the boys to dinner and then we went and hung at a friends house. I stayed there until about 11pm and my dad had text me that H said he was going to a friends so he wasn't here when I got home. I was hoping he was staying out but he came in shortly after me. The boys ended up staying over at their friends. They have such a good time there, I brought them stuff to make ice cream sundaes so they were fishing at their lake and swimming. They were having a blast. The parents are awesome too, they know a bit about what's going on and check on me every day and offer to take the boys constantly. My dad said the one thing I should be super thankful for is the huge support system I have. Which is very true and I am very appreciative. Everyone rallies behind the boys and I.
And Go figure tonight he comes in to say goodnight to me
T, this post is really awesome. I can see your progress here and can see you moving in the right direction. I hope it works out as you want it to tomorrow.
I was up early with the baby this morning and he was gone. Not surprising however no communication to me of child care ... up until today if he were to work a weekend he would ask or let me know to make sure I had the kids covered.
This just reaffirms my decision of him not going ... just not sure how I'll word it when I have to tell him he's not going. Maybe the boys decided to invite a friend last minute since you've been gone all day. Or I thought it's not in my best interest for you to come so the boys invited a friend.
On a happy note I put the baby down at midnight (still working on getting him down earlier) but he slept straight through til 745am!!! Small victories!
T, why not just be straightforward instead of searching for a passive way to make him not go? There's no need to try to engineer an "oops". There is an option where you just tell him he's not coming.
If he seems like he's making arrangements to accompany you, just calmly say "H, I think it's best if you don't go with us."
He might get emotional, and that's fine. If he does, you can briefly explain "H, you chose to leave the marriage. That's your choice. But now you seem to want to dictate what life looks like after you made your choice, but I get choices now, too. And I just don't share your vision that there will still be family events that include you after you've left. That doesn't feel right to me, and so I'd like some healthy boundaries in place instead. You are always free to have your own events that include the boys, though!"
If he tries to pull you into a R talk, hold up your hand and say "H, I'm not interested. I've heard it all before, many maaaany times. I'm not arguing about your choice. I am simply requesting that you to respect my choice, too."
Be calm and collected. Do not get emotional, but you don't need to be angry/mean.
You are not being mean to H. You don't have to worry about how he feels about missing out. He's an adult, and if he wanted to have family events, then he shouldn't have left the M. It's really as simple as that. He doesn't get to leave and have you shield him from feeling any loss.
He may demand his ticket and travel separately. If that's the case, I wouldn't turn him down. I'd just give him his ticket, due to the circumstances.
(In this reply, I gave you the instruction manual version of advocating for yourself because I know you still crave details. You can do what you want, but I wanted to give you a plan based on how he might react because I know you still doubt yourself and crave specifics )
I'm not sure how to answer about the baby, because I don't know if you were planning on taking him.
If you don't want him to go, I would reply "Yes, we are planning on going. I think it's best that you don't accompany us. If you still want your ticket, come pick it up by ____ o'clock. Let me know what you want to do because if you don't end up using your ticket I can probably find someone to take it."
That's what I'd do. This is a tough one because the plans were made so long ago and he's vague-texting where he's not being clear if he's just asking or if he expects to go.
Of course, this means that he might drive separately and be there, but you'll still be fine if he makes that choice. And you still get to lay down a boundary that it sounds like you want to lay down.
. (JK). 
)