That is a great Dad. Will my H do this stuff I doubt it very much but first he has to understand what is required in terms of his R with the kids from his choice and that is something up to now I haven't fully made him realise.
Thanks for stopping by.
SJx
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I think I had something of an epiphany overnight, who knows it may only last today but if it does it one day not under the duvet!
My S left primary school yesterday and almost grew up in front of my eyes. Him and his friends cried and hugged at their leavers party and he said to my friends younger S, It takes a man to be able to show his emotions, crying is nothing to be ashamed of. I thought my heart would actually burst there and then. He had also shown so much compassion to another child earlier in the day and demonstrated what a kind, sensitive, caring young man he is becoming. The other Mum who I don't really know too well messaged me telling me what a credit my S is to me, so very proud.
We got up late this morning and were making pancakes together when H rang, I was not expecting that. Last time he had a clothing free weekend with OW we didn't hear from him as he said it didn't feel right to call. Maybe a stab of conscious for missing his S's last day yesterday, who knows and actually who cares. He asked Sif he went to cricket last night and S was genuinely shocked, he said no Daddy it was my leavers assembly. I was furious.
H got on the phone to me and asked about the assembly at church and the party. I gave him details and told him there were lots of pics on FB, he asked what I did, I didn't reply, he then asked what we were doing today and I said we had lots of plans. He asked if the kids were OK I said yes and tried to end the call, he said I'll call in the morning or something, I said OK bye.
I was pleasant, gave lots of info on the kids but not about me. I feel pretty good and a little indifferent to a person that can put OW before his S. I was there and experienced all of that pride, his choice meant that he missed out and he will never, ever get a re run of that day, his loss I say :-)
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
The kids are playing out with friends and the house is so empty. I'm keeping busy but it keeps creeping into my mind that this is the time that H and I could have started to do things without the kids. We've worked hard and spent all our time with them and now they are getting a bit older it was going to get easier it's so sad.
I am also dreading tomorrow night when he tells them it's all consuming and I just want to hit fast forward to them knowing and him being out of the house so I know what I'm dealing with in terms of their feelings and emotions.
Anyway best make the most of them being out and get the finances emailed to him, that is not going to go down well!
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Loving the attitude, relieving him of his family responsibilities due to his behaviour and the fact he sees his AP/LO as his primary focus is great. What will he do? Eventually he will want to know about all the things he's missing out on it might not be for a while but rest assured it will come.
Until then let them spend as much time together as they want this will only escalate the fog lifting and the reality of their actions hit home then who knows the cracks might appear but will you be bothered? I personally feel my sitch is just a little more advanced than yours probably a month or so and its interesting to see how much similarities there are!
I am finding it hard to truly let go but the longer this goes on the easier it gets BUT I feel every time I allow her to come back into my life I go back a month or so so really am trying to fully detach.
Remember when you HAVE to communicate be that confident happy person who's getting on with her life and not giving a jot about what WS and his AP/LO are doing.
Have fun and well done.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
H has not been in contact since yesterday morning although he said he would ring the kids today. I emailed him the entire financial situation this afternoon which wasn't pretty for him but I am also not ripping him off.
I have spent a whole week dreading him telling the kids tomorrow night and this weekend has just made me so angry I am actually thinking about telling the kids myself. My H is not my H anymore and I have no idea if he ever will be or if I could go back from this. He is certainly not the Daddy he was and I honestly believe if he could spend every single moment with OW he would and justify it with the fact that being in the army the kids are used to him not being around. I feel like he is only seeing the kids out of duty unless he can take them to his fantasy land which emotionally for them isn't right and practically is impossible.
So do I tell them rather than keep making myself ill while I wait for him to turn up or not tomorrow night with no plan of what he is going to say and then leave me with the fallout? If I tell them I can deal with their reaction and emotions as they have always had me and have always been very open emotionally with me and then if he comes back he can answer questions or take them out as that is the way it is going to be moving forward. I just want to do what's best for them and me.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
For me when the time came to tell my boys I made sure the WW was there also, I would definitely NOT allow him to tell the boys himself as there could be a diluting or distortion of the truth you need to be there.
Again you on your own can be looked on as potentially doing the same to him in his eyes so get him sat down and face the consequences of his actions. I feel it doesn't matter how this pans out your kids will be affected I am seeing more and more anger and ill discipline from S8. This has to be handled correctly with the main focus on the kids and not the A, really hard times for you but stay committed to doing the best for them and continuing to show how great a mum you are.
Take care.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I agree with parkema. Tell them together partly so the kids see that and also because your H needs to carry the reality of his own choices. You will have plenty of time afterwards as it starts to sink in with the kids, because they will ask you questions. The advice here seems to be to keep it as simple as you can without going into mega-detail but to be truthful too in a way that is age appropriate.
I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard it must be to know that you have to do this. But please remember - this is happening because of your H's choices and you are not to blame for it as their mum. Your job - and you're a great mum, so you can do this - is to be as big and strong an umbrella for them while the storm is raging xxx
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
H called this morning as if everything is normal. Asked what the kids were doing and asked about what I had been doing over the weekend. Told him about the kids nothing about me. He was about to go and I asked him if he was still planning to tell the kids tonight. He asked me if I wanted him to? I said if you are a million percent certain then yes, he said he is so we debated what he was going to say. He accused me again of telling him what to do when I said he could not say we were simply splitting up as none of this is my choice. I asked when he would see them after tonight and he said he was working at the weekend and had plans the one after. I knew that was coming as it's OW's child free weekend but H told me last week he would have the kids for the first time that weekend, I reminded him and said I had made plans, he asked me what and where!! He then said I don't speak to him about anything I simply said I talk to you about the kids and have emailed you about finances as it's too complicated to discuss over the phone. He says he has nowhere to take the kids and started having a go at me. I ended the call politely.
5 minutes later he calls back and literally launches into a complete tirade about money and he hasn't got any and how do I expect him to live on what he has left. I told him as per the email that is what my solicitor had told me and I was being vindictive I was trying to be fair. He then says why have you seen a solicitor I thought we would do that together, OMG is he actually for real. I explained he needed to get his own solicitor if he wanted to check his rights as mine could not act for both of us. I told him he would need to budget and quite frankly I could not be the one to be having this conversation with he needed to find someone else to speak to. I remained civil throughout and declined to respond to certain things he said. His wages go into my bank account and he said last month he was going to change this to his own which he hasn't because I haven't done it for him no doubt. He has now said that as of next month his wages will go in his own account and he will give me what he can afford. He can't afford to do anything with the kids so doesn't know when he will see them after tonight, pathetic specimen of a father. I couldn't speak to my solicitor today but I have until next month to see where I stand if he carries out his threat.
He does have to pay about 2/3 of his wages whilst we still have the house but he does have a good amount of surplus income left more than a lot of people. I am absolutely furious but also dreading tonight. He'll be back in about an hour. I just want it over with so I know what the kids are going to need from me and him out of the house.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
He's done it told them after 45 minutes of asking me to still be his friend and crying! H asked me not to cry when he told them which I didn't, I was in the room and he actually didn't tell them he made it sound like he was just going to be away more for work so I had to tell them. DO laughed asked him why and was being silly. S cried. H said to S shall we go out for a bit I said what about DO. I asked them if they wanted to stay and talk or go out with Daddy and they wanted to go out. I text him about half an hour later and said let me know when you're on your way back he replied yeah course you OK. I didn't respond.
They got back with the biggest bags of sweets and S went to his room and DO was watched TV with H. I was in another room ironing. Put DO to bed and she asked for both of us to take her up which we did and then I asked him to leave. He said S was fine and left DO had already said you're going to see us Mondays and Wednesdays so I'll see you Wednesday Daddy.
After he left I went to S and he broke down we talked and he asked for my 2 best friends to come round so I arranged that, got my brother to text him and asked him what he was thinking. He said he was sad about leaving primary school on Friday and was worrying about that and now he had to worry about this. I told him he didn't have to worry about anything he just needed to talk to Mummy or Daddy or my brother or Grandma or our friends. I told him Daddy loves him and so does Mummy.
My friends came round played and talked, not about the sitch just about whatever he wanted to talk about and he was laughing at text messages from my bother. He wanted to sleep with me to start with but then said he wanted to go in his own bed and is sound asleep for now.
H not a word since he left no text to see how they are nothing, despicable.
Day out planned for tomorrow and we will be fine I will make sure of it.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
