If you look on the MLC forum there is some good stuff on there. Can't remember exactly which thread it is but there is one that I think would be really good for you to read. I'll have a look when I get chance and let you know.
I'm so sorry you're feeling down but keep pushing forward and remember your goals.
Much love SJ x
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I think I'm not sure what my goals are now, for me yes. For the situation with my marriage, not so sure. I think there is just a big bit of me that is so tired of the horror and craziness of it that I just want to change tack and speed the divorce up so I can get away from it.
I still find it all a bit unbelievable that this is my husband, and that this is now our story. Which is ridiculous because it is real...but it's pretty hard to reconcile who we were together and where we are.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I think you have a really good outlook. Many of us posters hang on and ruminate. And I don't see that in you're posts.
Doing whatever you need to do to get away from all this is healthy for you.
It is really hard to accept that our spouses and relationships changed the way that they did. It makes so sense, but look at these forums. It happens all the time. We can explain it all away, as mlc,family of origin issues, depression, addiction but it does not matter. Because our spouses have made their choices and we have nothing left but to accept it and move forward.
I'm sorry. It's hard. We have to mourn and grieve and get angry and deny and then ultimately move on.
Just focus on the goals pertaining solely to you. Not your relationship.
Thanks, juju. Just feeling sad today. Small pity party. Two years ago I had a father, a mother and a husband who I thought cherished me. Now my father is dead, my mother doesn't know who I am and my husband is unrecognisable, seems to think I am completely worthless and is living with OW planning his next wedding...
I miss all three of them, and I miss being a daughter, a wife and a lover. Hey ho, it is as it is.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Also, I have been thinking a lot about how someone can change. And I just wonder if it's that we saw them with rose colored glasses when they were with us.
They were never truly put to the test for committed adults.
I almost feel like they discarded us and no longer treated us with basic human kindness and courtesy because we were no longer of value to them or no longer simple and easy.
Most of our spouses leave after crises or hardships in life. Death, sickness, children. They can't handle it when things get hard. They are fair weathered people. But it's hard to know what they are truly like until the weather changes.
It might not be them that changed. Only the weather.
I think that's a fair point, juju. I guess, with a compassionate eye, everyone has their breaking point and deals with tough times differently. In our case, we had a year before BD of illness, loss and work stress. Both of us were struggling. Something in my H just broke.
Rose-coloured glasses? I think that's partly true, partly not. When you love someone and you're in a long-term relationship, you give them the benefit of the doubt. You know they have faults, as you do, but you enjoy the good which far outweighs that. Over time, maybe that does tint our view. At the same time, NOTHING in my experience of almost 20 years of my H (and everyone else who knew him was as shocked as me!) could have foreseen this s***storm. It is as if he became almost the exact opposite of who he had been and lots of crazy stuff that wasn't even in his best interests. For me, that has been the most difficult thing and why it is so clearly the kind of identity crisis and immaturity that goes with MLC.
It does feel as if they discard us because we're no longer doing the 'job', doesn't it? I've wondered sometimes if part of my STBXH is angry with me that I couldn't 'save' him somehow, that our M wasn't enough. But then as we all know...a) not sure anyone should base a life on the thought processes of an MLCer!, and b) it truly is about them...or as you say the weather!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Detaching is a very funny process. The logical bit of it is easier once you get past the first stages of shock. The action bit of how you respond to texts etc gets easier and you train yourself (with help from wise folks here!). But the emotional bit is hard...time helps, not seeing them helps...but it is still hard. Maybe it's a connecting point between LBS and the MLCer that each exists in our heads as who we were...for us, that's a place of love and care, for them, something to be afraid or suspicious about.
I feel as if, if I lose sight completely of who my H really is/was, I will detach so much that I will let his MLC rewrite my reality too. But if I don't detach, I'm denying the current reality. Gah..
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I feel as if, if I lose sight completely of who my H really is/was, I will detach so much that I will let his MLC rewrite my reality too. But if I don't detach, I'm denying the current reality. Gah..
Rewrite your reality? No going to happen... Not on our watch.
Something I learned... The hurt happened. The pain happened. The shock and the awe of all it happened. Pack this all up and put it in a tidy box.
The emotional part of your D is done. Moving forward, this is all about business. It is your job to make the best deal for YOU. This isn't to say to screw him over or be unfair. Your first obligation, at this point, is YOU.
Another piece of advice... Quit trying to understand MLC. Look, I lived one. Looking back, I am amazed (and not in a good way, either...) at some of the things I did and thoughts that I had and felt that they were normal. I quit trying to understand the whys, whats, and therefores... I think you should, too.
I am rooting for you. I believe that you are stronger than you know.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Thank you, MrCAS. My logical head can do the D business thing, although of course Mr MLC is making a meal of it. I can be pragmatic about it and my L is wise.
Maybe for me the truth is that the emotional bit of the D isn't done. In my heart, he's my H and I miss him. I can survive this. I expect to never see or speak to him again. But I miss my best friend and my lover and playmate. Just do.
I get what you say about understanding MLC too. Tbh, before I experienced multiple bereavements, I had no idea what grief was and even now I'm not sure I could explain it to someone who hadn't been there. It helps to see the broader patterns. It helps to know I didn't cause it and can't fix it, but the details of it don't matter.
It's a bit pathetic I know but it would comfort me to know that some part of my H still loves me. Like when my Dad died, I couldn't stop him going but it helped me to know that he loved me and wouldn't have left by choice. Stupid. I'm being stupid today. I just miss my family, all of them. I want to tell them about my new GAL stuff and new goals. Tomorrow I will put my head back in charge.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Oh Treasur I'm really feeling for you today but as you said to me we all have duvet days this is s**t and there's no getting away from that. Your H loved you this person is not your H, will he ever be again who knows but you can't change it only he can do that.
SJx
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
