ILYBINILWY - OW - what to do next 3

[T384]

Oh and you can't make him see the kids. Don't ask him when he's going to see them it may come off as you trying to control him and the situation.

Make a schedule you both can agree on --- I haven't done this yet. I've been a doormat and he just comes and goes as he pleases. It's something I need to change but I will say we aren't waiting around for him. When he chooses to be here we go about our business as if we never know when he will or won't be around.

[Benito]

Okay, I'm going to be a little blunt and probably should folllow my own advice here ...

But he's TELLING you he's involved with someone else and you're still talking to him? He's asking you about his GIRLFRIENDS husband and you are even indulging him in giving him an answer?

I think you need to stand up for yourself and WHEN. He starts talking about anything that has to do with Ow or anything you know is a lie. Stop him right there and end the conversation.

You are not his friend. You are his W... don't let him treat you like a buddy

Have to agree with this im afraid.

[SJW]

Hey thanks for dropping by. I have actually done this tonight. He was late for the kids AGAIN. I had a lovely evening with my friend and he left when I got back but he wanted to talk so I told him to call me from the car. He said we can still talk, I told him we have no reason to talk apart from the kids and he said we should talk. I told him I will email him about finances but I had no reason to talk to him other than the kids. We have agreed to tell the kids on Monday night and agreed that he is not going to tell them about OW, they don't need to know that yet. Thanks again I will check out you're thread tomorrow.

SJx

[T384]

I wouldn't cover for him with the kids. Kids aren't dumb and they're going to know eventually ... if he won't tell them about OW I understand you not wanting to push too much on them but don't let him act like this was a joint decision ...make sure they know this was dads decision.


When he asks to talk next time just say H you've chose to leave and your with OW. Short of the kids or bills there's nothing to discuss. If it's legal have your L contact mine. Bye!

You don't neee to keep saying the same thing we don't need to talk over and over because he will see through it.

[Rose888]

I notice that you often seem to be validating his behavior, instead of his feelings.

It's not OK if he's late picking up the kids, or doesn't come when he's said he would. He's behaving abysmally.

Even if a written custody requirement isn't legally required, I think you would benefit from having one. It will force him to explicitly state how often he plans to see the kids and when. And be specific. Not two weekends a month, for example, but the first and third weekends fro Friday at 6 to Sunday at 5, or whatever.

[Treasur]

I agree about getting tougher on what you won't talk about and clarity re the kids. Also I think to be clear with the kids that this is Dad's decision not yours without going into details. I suppose I think there is a 'trickle truth' issue here...is it easier for the kids to know their Dad has OW now or easier if they find out later? What are the chances of them finding out accidentally or from other kids? You know your kids best.

Agree about validating his feelings but not behaviour...he seems to have a 'Game of Thrones' mentality really when he sort of 'forgets' he has fired you from being his wife and part of his support team...nope, you and the kids are your own team now. His choice, his consequences. The OW's H stuff...or the OW...do not discuss it and if her H contacts you, refuse to discuss it too. Your H is creating WTF drama in his own life - part of MLC fun I think - but it isn't your WTF.

Well done on the sink too! And the painting...think of it as a downpayment on the next home you and your kids will have and be calm and happy in...maybe with H, maybe not. I think you're doing fantastically well and adapting really quickly to an awful situation. You probably don't feel that way, but you are and you should be proud of yourself.

[SJW]

Hi

I don't want the kids to know about OW yet as I feel it is too much for them to deal with in one hit. I have made it clear to him that he needs to tell them that this is his decision and not ours. It is not going to be an easy conversation for lots of reasons but it needs to happen in order for me to detach from him.

I am also definitely going to stop talking to him as you say.

SJ x

[SJW]

Hi Treasur

I don't feel like I'm doing at all well I've been hiding under the duvet most of the day but just had a long chat with my Mum and so feel a little better.

There is no chance of kids finding out from anywhere but me or H and I feel that it's too much in one hit. My S10 has very strong values about marriage and it would destroy that to think that Daddy is leaving for OW. They will have to find out at some point if this lala fantasy continues but by then we should be in a much better place I can prepare them.

I think I've realised whilst hiding under the duvet that I have been facilitating him since BD and spinning a lot so in essence whilst I feel I've done some DBing I haven't done enough. Once the kids know this will be much easier as I won't have to be around when Daddy is and they will know why. He's been cake eating to a degree and I have allowed that thinking it was right for them but in actual fact H will stop wanting family stuff at some point so better that I make that decision now, not him later.

I need to detach as you said and that starts with a complete 180 for me, not talking to him. He has nobody else so that will hit him. I need to stop family time and facilitating him by letting him stay at the house when he sees the kids. He needs to see the full reality of his choice and I suspect that will result in him seeing less of the kids but that will be his choice. I know men that would move heaven and earth to spend time with their kids my H used to one of them but now if it's not easy he just won't do it and no doubt blame me. Not my problem my kids have lived through 6 and 7 months of Daddy being away so no different for them because they will always have Mummy and our great close friends network who all have kids that are friends.

I am very happy about the sink I have to say :-)

SJx

[SJW]

Thanks Rose that's great advice. Coming here today and seeing the comments is such a great help and support and the advice is spot on.

[Parkema]

Hi SJ,

I know this might sound confusing but I don't think anybody on here wants you to stop all communication with your WS. What you need to do is be smart about it, I assume you've answered the question whether you want your M anymore? If you want to fight for your M then communication MUST happen BUT as I say it has to be smart.

DON'T PURSUE EVER, he has to come to you to talk and when he does YOU need to make it as though you’ve moved on and are only interested in conversations that revolve around either business related matters (bills, mortgage etc.) your children and the logistics that you need for GAL’ing and visitations and of course reconciliation DON’T EVER PUSH THIS THOUGH.

When he initiates the conversation I would basically show him a person who is happy where she is in life, willing to listen and validate and just be a friend to him and of course his safe place. I say this only if you want to save the M as you are now having to show him your best you, someone who he must have been crazy to leave.

If he starts to move the conversation onto his relationship with the AP/LO or a subject you know will escalate into who can shout the loudest then I suggest you tell him to leave, normally these sorts of conversations creep up on us so I suggest you research “charging neutral” also.

Please SJ detach as much as you can, stick up for yourself and work on being the best you, you can be. Look after the kids and stay strong.

Mark.