Forgot to say earlier H text last night well after he should have been back to say he wasn't going to make it, like I didn't already know that! I said no worries hope today went OK as he was doing a big presentation. He replied to say it was OK and could I record Game of Thrones on Sky at 9pm???? WTF he doesn't live here anymore. I didn't reply
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I think you need a clear schedule. Why should he be allowed to come and go as he pleases while you are stuck waiting on finding out if he has plans or not before you can go out? If he is going to have custody in the future, I think this should be established now. I will caution you - try not to judge what he is doing on 'his time' without the kids and try not to be a bully about the schedule in terms of trying to make it impossible for him to see OW. Instead, pick what days are important for you and go from there.
He is dictating to me but not consistently what he is doing an when. Most of what I do involves the kids so doesn't matter to me when he sees them for my benefit. I have asked him to have them one weekend at the end of August as I have 2 weddings. Honestly, I am scared that he will take them to her house if I'm not around and I think it's way too soon for that?
But you asking him to watch the kids shouldnt be a favor. You shouldnt have to make individual requests. Plus, you should be able to plan things to do as GAL without the kids without needing a favor from him. Thats why I think getting a parenting schedule together and agreed is crucial. Otherwise, if youre going to fight for sole custody, then so be it.
Originally Posted By: SJW
You do know that there is never a good time to do this right? To me, it feels like you are waiting, because if you keep putting it off, theres a chance it wont happen.
I know there is never a good time but one more week in school and he was fine with next weekend until he spoke to OW. He only told me 5 weeks ago. Why should she get to dictate when he tells our kids. I can see why this would be seen as me being controlling but it's OK for her.
Well, first Id stop worrying about OW...She isnt your concern at the moment. My question to you is what does it matter what the date is? Why is it crucial to wait a week? I get that there is a week of school - but wont doing it the first week of summer vacation put a damper on the summer? etc. What is your fundamental issue?
Originally Posted By: SJW
Why are you OK with this?
I shouldn't be but it felt OK at the time as we were discussing the kids and he was being kind.
So, what are you going to do to transition yourself to act based on logic/reason vs. emotion/what 'feels OK'? If your boundary is that you arent going to be in a relationship with a man thats sleeping with someone else, how does this back up your words?
Originally Posted By: SJW
What is your reasoning for doing these 'family days'? He just told you hes going to be sleeping at OW's when he wants and only being with you when it's convenient for him.
Because the kids don't know yet but even when they do is it not right for them? This is something I keep questioning myself as if we do family stuff it's nice for them but it's allowing them to have his cake and eat it? Then I think if I don't do it I'm punishing them for what he has done? This is a genuine question that I would really appreciate advice on.
Lets spin this out....
If he announces to them that he is leaving you and dating OW, will you still do these days?
What if you are divorced and he is dating OW?
What if you are divorced and he is remarried to OW?
Where do you draw the line that these days are 'not good' for the kids anymore?
To me, it sounds like you are making excuses, because you think that with enough quality time, you can 'beat' OW.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/18/1706:58 AM. Reason: deleted duplicate post
But you asking him to watch the kids shouldnt be a favor. You shouldnt have to make individual requests. Plus, you should be able to plan things to do as GAL without the kids without needing a favor from him. Thats why I think getting a parenting schedule together and agreed is crucial. Otherwise, if youre going to fight for sole custody, then so be it.
I'm not sure it works the same in the UK but I don't think we have to do the custody legally unless there's an issue. He's told me he will see the kids Monday's and Wednesday's and every other weekend although not which weekend that will be and this maybe affected by his work. He has plans this weekend, is working the one after and I got the impression busy the one after that but not 100% sure. I don't feel this is fair on me or the kids as surely if he's working on the weekend he should be seeing them he should swap, if convenient for me obviously. He's coming tonight but I plan to be out and for him to leave when I get back but I may discuss this with him.
Well, first Id stop worrying about OW...She isnt your concern at the moment. My question to you is what does it matter what the date is? Why is it crucial to wait a week? I get that there is a week of school - but wont doing it the first week of summer vacation put a damper on the summer? etc. What is your fundamental issue?
Whilst it will be the start of the summer holidays for the first time ever I will not be at work. They will be with me 24/7 so if they need to talk, need support I am with them. Equally I can see with my own eyes that they are OK and for the sake of a week I thought that was better for them.
So, what are you going to do to transition yourself to act based on logic/reason vs. emotion/what 'feels OK'? If your boundary is that you arent going to be in a relationship with a man thats sleeping with someone else, how does this back up your words?
You are absolutely right I need to stop any physical contact.
Lets spin this out....
If he announces to them that he is leaving you and dating OW, will you still do these days?
That was my question. I don't plan for them to know about OW yet as I think it's too much for them to process. My S10 has pretty strong values and I don't want these destroying. They don't need to know abut OW yet.
What if you are divorced and he is dating
What if you are divorced and he is remarried to OW?
Where do you draw the line that these days are 'not good' for the kids anymore?
To me, it sounds like you are making excuses, because you think that with enough quality time, you can 'beat' OW.
I suppose at some point H will not want to do these days anymore, maybe I won't or OW will put a stop to it. My question was what is right for the kids? I genuinely don't think spending family time will win him back he's already moved on.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
H phoned to speak to the kids last night and was fine had a brief chat with me then spoke to them but they weren't really interested as they were playing in the garden. He then came back to me and said he will be back tonight for football but didn't know what time as he had to do something for work that he wasn't happy about. Usually when he makes excuses he's lying but I'm not going to worry about it I'll be there so that's fine I'll just wait until he gets there to leave.
He then called back a bit later and asked me if OW's husband had been in contact with me as somebody had said something. I said no and asked who had said something, he wouldn't tell me anymore and I ended the call.
I have had a really bad 2 days and I feel better today. I'm concerned that I feel better because I've had that call and if her H finds out what's going on it doesn't fit in with her plans at all.
I need to paint doors so I can get this house on the market and do something for me. I fixed the leaking sink last night that he has been trying to fix for months :-)
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
The painting depressed me as my reasons for doing it have changed from it being for us and our home to being to sell the house because H has left and that made me angry and sad.
Going out tonight and then need to talk to H about when exactly he is going to see the kids.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Okay, I'm going to be a little blunt and probably should folllow my own advice here ...
But he's TELLING you he's involved with someone else and you're still talking to him? He's asking you about his GIRLFRIENDS husband and you are even indulging him in giving him an answer?
I think you need to stand up for yourself and WHEN. He starts talking about anything that has to do with Ow or anything you know is a lie. Stop him right there and end the conversation.
You are not his friend. You are his W... don't let him treat you like a buddy
