WAS vs MLC...not sure it really matters, part 2

[Coly23]

Hey skm, great update!

Glad to here that you will not take any breadcrumbs from H anymore. At first I thought those breadcrumbs were baby steps but I realise that's all they were and now I will not accept that anymore.

Wow, your H sounds like he is in full pursuit! Do you think he sits in his apartment and thinks of the different ways he can see you! Waiting in the car park with a morning snack almost sounds very romantic!

Love the fact he took your car to the car wash too, wow, wow, wow!!! X

[SBJ]

Great to see your update and also that you seem to see things clearly or at least more clear.

Ownit, I have my days were I feel like there still is a lot of hope in this situation with H, but there are just as many days that I think I would be happier on my own.

It seems that it takes us, the LBS, time to see that we are able to live without them, but that we made a commitment to them that it is hard for us to break or let go of. You seem like a tremendously strong woman that any man would be proud to have beside him. Keep strong and take things one day at a time.

As far as "not being willing to take crumbs from him".....I did that for the 10 years we were together. H definitely knows that I am not ever going to do that again. He knows I will call him out on his BS without any hesitation.

I agree that we should receive 100% from our spouses, because we have learned alot about giving of ourselves. We deserve them to give just as much as we give.

As I have said before he is struggling pretty bad financially since BD. I, on the other hand, am doing better financially. Likely because I don't have H around to spend all of my money Throughout our M, I have been the bread winner, and make quite a bit more then H. He knows that I don't NEED him in my life in any way, I WANT him in my life. So he knows that the days of "blowing smoke up my ass" are long gone

Very similar to the rest of the situations here. I think that when they are in the tunnel they are oblivious to what they are doing...including spending.

We are learning or relearning how to stand on our own out of necessity and it feels liberating.

I like what you said...You don't NEED him...You WANT him in your life. That is awesome. Hopefully they will all come to the conclusion that we all don't need them, but we do want them in our lives.

I've worked the past 3 days and this morning when I pulled into the parking lot, guess who was there waiting for me with a little morning snack? Yep...it was H. I was surprised to see him there. I thought it was very nice that he went out of his way to do that. He then offered to take my car and have it detailed......so I let him. Probably should not have let him do that, because that is why he is struggling financially, he spends money on things we/I can do without. Lord knows how much that car wash cost him?

Coly is right...he is in full pursuit mode...did he act like this when he was trying to get you to start a relationship with him?

Hey skm, great update!

Glad to here that you will not take any breadcrumbs from H anymore. At first I thought those breadcrumbs were baby steps but I realise that's all they were and now I will not accept that anymore.

Wow, your H sounds like he is in full pursuit! Do you think he sits in his apartment and thinks of the different ways he can see you! Waiting in the car park with a morning snack almost sounds very romantic!

Love the fact he took your car to the car wash too, wow, wow, wow!!! X

Everyone loves a clean car...except us Jeep guys, we don't mind the mud, but it'd been just as awesome if he'd put some elbow grease into it and had done it himself...and cheaper too.

[skm0619]

Coly......I used to think that any attention I would get from H after BD was good. Not anymore. I have pulled away from him considerably and he can feel it.

His way of showing love or love language is through "acts of service" so I can only assume that is what he is doing now, and why he showed up at my work.

Yes, my car was dirty and needed a wash, but for me those type of things are so trivial. But, for H, he puts A LOT of emphasis on how things look and how people will think about him if his car is dirty, or if he isn't wearing certain clothes, etc. Me, I am the total opposite.

I still have access to his bank account and saw that he took his vehicle to have it washed and he spent $130 on it. That is something I would NEVER do!! And remember this is coming from a man who is struggling financially. But for him that is not an issues because as long as his truck looks good and people see that, that is all that matters to him.

I don't want to seem ungrateful for what he is doing while pursuing me, but I just wish he wouldn't feel like he has to spend money he doesn't have or try to impress me by doing it. I tell him that he is "over compensating" and he doesn't need to do that......but that is his love language

[skm0619]

Hey SBJ........

I do see things more clear these days. I know that H shows his love for me by "acts of service" but that is something I am still learning to accept. I don't NEED anything, except the obvious (food, water and shelter) so when H does things for me to show me his love, I still have to tell myself that is what he is doing. He has such a hard time expressing himself verbally or emotionally, it can make things so difficult at times.

I have always been a pretty strong person.......very no nonsense kind of girl. I am the person who says what everyone else is thinking. There really isn't any topic of conversation that I feel uncomfortable having with others. I am the type to say "lets get it out there and talk about it" but I know everyone is not like that.

When we were dating he did pursue me but nothing too strong though. We dated long distance for a while so that made things difficult. When we were finally in the same country, we were living together, so that made things easier. But now I can see that made things too easy for H. He asked me the other day if I ever felt "like a princess" when we were together. I told him "no, because everything always had to be about you and what you wanted" ...... he didn't like that answer, but it was the truth.

I am grateful that he is doing things for me, trying to pursue me. I just wish he didn't feel like he had to spend money all the time to do it........money he definitely does not have to spend. I would have been just as grateful if he washed it himself, and put in "some elbow grease" ..... like you said

[OwnIt]

skm,

I can see how this would be annoying. I actually have the flip side of this going on. My H was always obsessed with his car and keeping it clean. Now in replay the car is filthy and hasn't been washed in months.

Try not to let his little peculiarities get to you. Those are not the things that define a man. We all spend our money in odd ways when other people look at it closely.

[skm0619]

OwnIt.....I guess my real issue with all of the money thing is that he continues to have problems with insufficient funds. He goes to the movies and uses his credit card to pay for it. When he goes out to eat, he uses his credit card. And, when he did get his car washed and spent $130 on that, he used his credit card for that too.

I know we make decisions by how we were raised. I was raised that if you don't have the money then you don't do it, or you don't get to go....period. H, was raised TOTALLY different. He was raised that if you want it then get it, or if you want to go somewhere then go. You figure out the money later.

He has no money in savings. If he isn't able to work for a period of time, he has no way to support himself. The scary thing about that is he is self employed. So when he goes on vacation there is no "vacation time" built up to pay him for that time off.

He is going away at the end of the month with his family. His parents are paying for it all. They have no clue that he is in such financial hardship right now.....and he would never let them know either. He has gotten himself close to 50K in debt since BD (20 months) and that scares the crap out of me. If we work this out, I do not want to be the one to pay his bills off cause I did not reap the benefits of going to the movies, or going out to eat, or going on vacation.

[CaliGuy]

Skm

Reading along .... much of your posts revolve around him ... not always a bad thing as this board is here for you and for that but I would like to try and help you as others helped me early on.

You can not control his actions, his spending, anything he does or thinks. I get it ... there is a fair amount of hurt, anger and frustration in your posts ... I have been there ... to be honest I have cycles where I do revisit that and have to catch myself from allowing myself to blame any situation on what she did and how she did it ... truth is I am responsible for my own situation and my own happiness just as you are responsible for yours.

I have not caught if you have an arrangement and his spending will not affect you ... if so greeat .... let him dig his own hole .. recall the story about the boxes? You are still worried about his boxes and his hole ... his circus his monkeys its not your responsibility any longer ... he is a big boy and can figure this out on his own.

One other fuzzy 2x4 I wanna smack you with. Read back your past 3-4 posts .... Can you see the score card you are keeping, the list of requirements you are creating in order for him to please you? You will have to address this at some-point regardless of the outcome. Keeping a score card will lead you down the bitterness path and will never serve you, having this secret list of requirements a person must fullfill is leading them straight to failure and falls directly inline with ... yes its a word we use here often EXPECTATIONS.

Try to find peace in all this .. .letting go a bit and allowing him his journey is really the only way otherwise he is going to drag you straight to the bottom of his hole with him and you will be fighting for boxes and neither one of you will get out.

[skm0619]

Hey Cali.....a fuzzy 2x4 is always accepted and appreciated.

I agree that it is easy to get sucked back into the hurt, frustration and anger. I continue to work on this daily. I feel that for the most part I have let a lot of that go recently. Don't know if I'll ever be a able to let it all go though

As far as finances....we only have a very small arrangement. I continue to keep him on my health insurance plan, and he pays my cell phone bill and car insurance. That's it. We do not have any joint checking/savings accounts, the house sold recently so there is no longer a joint mortgage, he is not the beneficiary on any of my policies, and we do not have children.

The whole money thing for me is that I would like to at least see him try to make changes with his spending habits. He doesn't know how to "go without" things and that has been an issue for me. I am so thankful that I do not rely on him financially

How NOT to have expectations, and that damn score card.....something I continue to work on daily

I am standing firm at the top of the hole he continues to dig, and I will NOT allow myself to be sucked down into it with him

[Sotto]

Hi Skm, I agree with Cali's advice - which is pretty much always spot on IMHO.

I would say, any time you find yourself thinking - I'd at least like him to....

Practice letting it go. You and he are separate beings. He will live his life as he will and you yours. Try and focus only on your side of the street.

It is freeing I promise you. Notice that when you do focus on what he does or doesn't do, it impacts negatively on your wellbeing and release it....he will do what he will and that's okay.

Xx

[BluWave]

skm, you seem right on track from my side of the screen. I agree that $130 on a carwash is ridiculous. Also $50K in trivial spending is alarming--that would bother me a great deal! I also am a nurse, make more than my H, and I try to be frugal and responsible. I do not care much for fancy things. I also am one to lay it out there and no topic is off limits. (no wonder I like you so much :-)

I think an issue you are running into here is that while H is pursuing and speaking his LL (or whatever he is doing), none of that speaks to the core issues. I think pursuit, romance (princess cr-p) may work in the initial stages of a R, but not at this point. That is for the honeymoon stage, which is long and far gone.

Score card or not, if H wants to get your attention, I imagine he needs to do some personal reflection and soul searching. Sure he ended the A, has remorse, and is opening up about his thoughts and feelings. That is a must. Perhaps though, for you to be able to commit to working on things with him, you need to see genuine and lasting change. The type of change that you can live with, and for many years to follow.

Real change is the hard work and why I think piecing is so challenging. Real change is understanding why we say and do the things we do, what happened in our childhood and past, what we can control and what we can't, and what we need to do to move forward and have successful Rs with others. Real change stands the test of time. Then, after identifying all of that, we have to DO THE STUFF. It is so easy to fall back into our old patterns and it takes some grit and time to make new and better habits.

I wonder if there is a part of you that doesn't trust H, not only because of the betrayal, but because you are waiting to see signs of real change? If so, that would make sense to me. If people don't commit to doing the work and making the changes, then they will fall back into old patterns. For him, that was wandering away from the M and turning to someone else. ... So perhaps his spending is less of a scorecard and more of a reminder that he is still doing some of the same? Just my thoughts.

Blu