I agree with the others. Your going to lose your mind chasing after your W. At a bare minimum check phone records once a month. But the constantly will drive you mad. What are kind of surveillance are you using anyways? And didn't she suspect you had surveillance on her?
Well, she was still talking with OM. She fessed up today. For the second time in three months she purchased a "cheater phone" from straight talk. She also might have met up with him briefly today but it doesn't matter. She can't be trusted, she knows I know. I told her at first that "you can't stay here", in the end fif now she is out of mbr. I'm done talking to her as well except for necessitie
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you finally confirmed so you can start healing and working on yourself.
The longer you take to change things, I mean really change the dynamic of your interactions with her, the less she will respect you. She now knows you know, she's looking to see what your going to do about her, dropping her like a hot potatoe would be the best thing you could do.
First rule, no more R talks, none... Don't be mean, if she initiates, validat, but really try not telling her how you feel, provide no information or questions, just validate. And watch your anger, it will come, it will hurt your chances if you lash out... I say again, if I had to do it over again, I'd of walked away and not talked to her for months.
So tell us what happened between you need to move out and her staying in MBR?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Definitely sorry to hear about this. But the good news is that if I recall correctly your W is interested in working on the MR. Which means that She might care actually care about the consequences of her actions. She just keeps messing up. Go ahead and kick her out the home of possible. It's time for her to face some consequences. You will feel hurt by this choice, but it's for the best. And will truly make your W come out of the fog.
Don't know if I can "kick her out". Well, actually, I know that I definitely CANT kick her out. At least in the state we live in currently. And I think not even if I could prove she was sleeping with him. I CAN strongly suggest, however.
I think part of her does "want to work on it"... but not really all that strongly. Or, perhaps, she believes she can "work on us" while still maintaining a "friendship" with the OM. She has said something like that on several occasions, to her friends, to me, and even to our MC (who basically told her she's full of s**t and she needed to completely cut contact)-- she thinks or thought she could "separate the two in her head." She kept saying last night she was "almost to cutting it off cold turkey" and she was trying to sort through this "the best way she knows how" and that she "doesn't know why she feels the way she does and is doing some of the things she's been doing." There is still some rebelliousness there in her, too, and she told me as much "part of me just really wants to say 'this is how I am going to do this because everyone else is saying that's the way I shouldn't do it'", and she still is resentful of me monitoring her and wants to know "how I did it" (I didn't tell her) and also feels "pisssed off" that "this one thing" has now become "the big thing" even though we already had a lot of other problems. Of course, she is "sorry she hurt me" which, in my mind, is just a half step above saying "Im sorry you feel that way." Still feel like there is a good part of her that thinks what she is doing is "okay".
She's been calling me and texting me non-stop today. Last VM she left was in tears. "Please call me."
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Make her wait even longer before you respond. More messages with tears are needed. She needs to know what she is seriously risking. The first sign of tears are likely just her defense mechanism to get you to breakdown.
Dont know if I'll need to walk away for 6 months or not. Depends entirely upon her. And I mean entirely. I am done riding that roller coaster. If she WANTS to end that A and can PROVE IT to me to MY satisfaction, then maybe i could somehow find a way to trust her and start moving forward but... not sure there is anything she could do right now that I could/would trust. Some of that WW rebellious mindset is clearly still there, as are some feelings for OM, and the clock on any "recovery" she could have from that just got reset to zero. She has work to do. May need some IC, idunno. But she is not "relationship ready" right now. At least not for me. I deserve (and our kids deserve) better.
Last night, I left her in tears and went to sleep in guest BR, but I had told her previously "she couldn't stay here" (meaning the house) which she bridled at because she "is trying to work on things with us".
The one, idunno, "encouraging" thing, if you want to call it that is that, on some level, she offered up what she had been doing on the phone voluntarily. I found the phone and confronted her and we left the house to talk when things started getting emotional (not screaming angry, though my voice was shaking a bit at first and she was in tears). She told me at first that the extra phone was just to "talk to bff" because she (bff) was worried that all my W's calls were being monitored and she didn't want me listening in on HER (bff's) business AND because she (my W) felt like she needed to be able to talk to her friends about her problems without looking over her shoulder. She HAD managed to slip into the bathroom an delete all the history on the phone. After she said all of that, I asked her "If we were to get out the account info on that phone and go look up the history for calls and texts, what would we see." She was completely silent and i was completely silent. For over 30 minutes neither of us spoke and she sat there with her head in her hands. She really could have said anything-- refused to let me see phone... Heck, Im not even sure is Straight Talk maintains call records for their phones... but finally she said, through tears... "what do you want me to say" and I said "I want you to answer my question"... So she told me about the calls and texts she'd been having with OM. To me, that is very, very very SLIGHTLY encouraging... for perhaps some point in the future. But she is about a million miles right now from me trusting her.
Oh, and meant to add-- I am NOT sleeping in guest BR tonight. Guest BR had actually become kind of the temporary MBR becuase the MBR was a bit of a wreck with a bunch of stuff piled on the bed, so we were already set up to sleep in Guest BR. I am cleaning it up this afternoon when I get home and reclaiming it however. Going to tell her I'd like her to sleep in Guest BR-- don't feel like I should be the one to have to leave the MBR.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/24/1703:10 AM. Reason: Combine posts
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
she believes she can "work on us" while still maintaining a "friendship" with the OM.
That's her goal, are you going to show her that's not an option? Look Jim, if you can't commit to moving away for a few months, can you get out of the house for a few days to a week? Go completely dark? Block her on your cell phone.
Originally Posted By: hoosjim
she still is resentful of me monitoring her and wants to know "how I did it" (I didn't tell her)
and don't tell her, if you go completely dark and she feels like she's losing you, and she wants you back, she'll know that she won't be able to sneak around without you being able to find out. funny, but I also want to know how you did it, but I don't have any use for that kinda of information anymore, if I ever feel the need to verify someone im in a R with now, i'll just leave that R.
Originally Posted By: hoosjim
also feels "pisssed off" that "this one thing" has now become "the big thing" even though we already had a lot of other problems.
Standard stuff, mine said the same thing over and over.
Originally Posted By: hoosjim
She's been calling me and texting me non-stop today. Last VM she left was in tears. "Please call me."
can you block her on your phone for a little while? you need to step away from her and focus on yourself for a little, and her popping up on your screen doesn't allow you to do that.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
can you block her on your phone for a little while? you need to step away from her and focus on yourself for a little, and her popping up on your screen doesn't allow you to do that.
Not really, we have two special needs kids, one of whom is getting ready to go off to college which is requiring a lot of prep work, the other who has profound Tourette's syndrome (almost to the point of seeming autistic at times.) I kind of need to be available by phone in order to be available to do what I need to do for my kids-- and often that means being available to her by phone as well.
Quote:
Look Jim, if you can't commit to moving away for a few months, can you get out of the house for a few days to a week?
Should I really be the one leaving the home? Doesn't that look kind of weak? Especially when my kids still need a little looking after and at a somewhat tumultuous time (one getting ready to go off to college)? I'm supposed to be "the lightouse", an important component of which involves, I would think, being a strong and present father for my kids... ESPECIALLY when the other parent is in the throws of an irresponsible, wayward mindset.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
can you block her on your phone for a little while? you need to step away from her and focus on yourself for a little, and her popping up on your screen doesn't allow you to do that.
Not really, we have two special needs kids, one of whom is getting ready to go off to college which is requiring a lot of prep work, the other who has profound Tourette's syndrome (almost to the point of seeming autistic at times.) I kind of need to be available by phone in order to be available to do what I need to do for my kids-- and often that means being available to her by phone as well.
Quote:
Look Jim, if you can't commit to moving away for a few months, can you get out of the house for a few days to a week?
Should I really be the one leaving the home? Doesn't that look kind of weak? Especially when my kids still need a little looking after and at a somewhat tumultuous time (one getting ready to go off to college)? I'm supposed to be "the lightouse", an important component of which involves, I would think, being a strong and present father for my kids... ESPECIALLY when the other parent is in the throws of an irresponsible, wayward mindset.
Yeah, she should be the one leaving the home, but she is not.
You don't have to be present to be present! Stable and consistent goes way beyond physically being in the house.
