Leaving it up to God (but still interfering!)

[BluWave]

Hi Coly,

How are you? We haven't heard from you in some time. Hope you are well :-)

Blu

[Coly23]

Hey Blu, thanks for checking in on me!

I am good thanks. Just got back from 10 days in Spain with my D and her friend. First time since I was 19 that I didn't go with another adult. It was just the three of us and we had a whale of a time!

Not heard anything from H since D's prom. He has had some text communication with D regarding the allowance he started giving her from this month. Because of her prom June was a very expensive month for me. I was literally haemorrhaging money from my bank account on a weekly basis! D kept asking if she could ask H for an advance but I held her off for as long as possible by paying for the things she wanted myself. However in the end I agreed for her to ask him and he obliged. She won't get the chance to do this again so I really wanted her to have at least the basics. Hair, nails, shoes, makeup etc. She didn't have to pay for the car or her handbag which was a saving for me.

Roll on to the end of June D is now in full holiday mode but she has to wait for the beginning of July for the remainder of July's money to come in from H. Out of the blue H starts accusing her of not managing her money right and the fact that he can't afford to keep giving her money whenever she wants it. I do agree with H on this however she only asked for an advance because it was her prom and she was only expecting the remainder of what he was going to pay her anyway. She got very upset with him and told him that it wasn't her fault that he decided to leave and get an apartment in the most expensive cities in the county (just so he can be nearer his friends) and that it was me who puts a roof over her head and feeds and clothes her and that some Dad he turned out to be! He responded that it was not as clear cut as that but he understood (?). I desperately wanted to ask him what he meant by that as I still don't know what I did to make him leave! D also wanted to tell him that if it was not for me he would not have been invited to her prom but I stopped her from sending this. I really didn't think it as necessary for him to know and may have made their relationship more strained.

My issue is that when I opened D''s bank account I did not want H to contribute and for many months he did not but he did say that he would do anything to support D so in the end I gave him her account details and he said he was happy that he was able to contribute to her financially. He knows D is now looking for a job for the summer so I am not sure why he now has an attitude. I know he has moved again and I can only assume he has bitten off more than he can chew and is feeling the pinch financially. As far as D is concerned, as soon as she gets a job she is going to ask him to stop her money. I'm going to leave that up to her to manage.

Other than that D had a text from him whilst we were on holiday asking if she was having a good time. We were surprised as we didn't tell him about our holiday. D didn't think he was happy that we didn't tell him. After she thanked him for asking he did not respond back to her and we have not heard anything since.

Since I have stopped initiating contact and dinners etc. his communication with D has reduced drastically. I am not sure what is going to happen in the future, whether he will reach out and try and see D/me but I don't think he will. I feel really sad and I did on holiday too but I didn't dwell on it too much. He is missing out not us.

I have also decided to remove H from D's next of kin details for college. He does not think D is important enough to tell her he has moved let alone give us his new address. It's just ridiculous to me that we are not allowed to know where he lives! Neither myself nor D really care so if he worries that we will just turn up to his door or spy on him then he is sorely mistaken. We really don't have any inclination to do that.

So at the moment I'm just getting on with my life without H. I've at last taken on board all the advice which is to just leave him alone. I still miss him very much but he is not my H at the moment. I also bagged up the remainder of his clothes that had left in the wardrobe and put them in the garage. I'm slowly reclaiming my house....

Happy Friday everyone!! X

[OwnIt]

Coly I'm so glad you checked back in. I have been hoping things are going well for you. Sounds like they could be better, but to try to find some positive in this, at least he is speaking up and not just being a timid little mouse scurrying along. Congrats to you for not rolling out the red carpet for him again. I still think he's going to come around. I think you are like 6 mos to a year behind skm. I still see so much in common with your guys and hers is definitely coming to the fore.

[job]

Coly,

I am so happy to read that you and your daughter went to Spain and had a good time. You both needed a break from the MLC madness.

As for your h, he's smoldering over the fact that you and your daughter are moving on and having some fun. Keep in mind, he's not the happiest camper in the camp ground at the moment. The comment about the money was a direct hit at the fact that your daughter is having fun and poor baby isn't. He's a bit resentful at the moment over this, so ignore his little snippets.

As for moving and not telling you where he's moved to, many of them do this, but eventually they may tell you where they are living...listen to what he says and don't interrupt him. They do like to brag from time to time.

I'm glad you finally started making your place your own. I think you will feel far better when your place is "stamped" with Coly all over it.

Hang in there! I think you've come a long way and are doing great.

[AndrewP]

Ola Coly! <insert other happy Spanish words here>

Glad to see an update from you and especially one where you are sounding so very strong.

I desperately wanted to ask him what he meant by that as I still don't know what I did to make him leave!

Coly - I don't think that you'll ever know and perhaps it's not something that it is possible to know. I do want to ask you one question on this that is very like a question that I was asked by vets a very very long time ago. Take a good look at yourself in your mirror. Go ahead - I'll wait .......

Now - are you proud of the woman you saw there? One who is a fabulous Mum, one who did and does her VERY ABSOLUTE BEST for her family. I can tell you from the outside that you have an amazing amount to be proud of. You are indeed the woman that anyone would be a fool to leave. Remember - he left - you didn't throw him out. He's a fool. It was his choice and it's on his head just like if I chose to wear sandals with socks to go to the farmer's market today that would be my own choice and just like your H's choices - has NOTHING to do with you.

I have also decided to remove H from D's next of kin details for college.
<snip>
So at the moment I'm just getting on with my life without H. I've at last taken on board all the advice which is to just leave him alone. I still miss him very much but he is not my H at the moment. I also bagged up the remainder of his clothes that had left in the wardrobe and put them in the garage. I'm slowly reclaiming my house....

For this I'd like to give you the opposite of a 2X4 (a popsicle?) This is a very strong and incredibly difficult choice that you have made here. I know going through these steps were very difficult and despite being a strong manly man sort (you know the truth) I had to sit down and have a bit of a cry more than once when doing it.

Glad you are back - thrilled that you are becoming more "you".

[peacetoday]

I think they are secretive and its part of the thrill for them

all the hiding
the secret life..maybe like the way a teen would hide things from their parents


I also took my xh name off of everything related to me or our kids
especially all credit cards as he racked up severe debt


It is a wise choice
to prepare and take full care financially of ourselves
if they return,,we can adjust
if they don't t, we are ready

Breaking ties with D is good ,especially if he is not really available to her
I know my kids felt a sense of rejection every time XH did not put them first ,
which became more and more as time progressed

eventually the kids adjust and truly let him go-

sad but many a MLCer will alienate their kids too many times, and kids may not be willing to restore that R in the end-

[Coly23]

Ownit, AP, Job, thank you all so much for your comments.

Ownit, I wish I had your optimism! Maybe in 6-12 months he might realise that he wants me but at the moment it feels like he couldn't care less if he never saw me again! After all the effort I made in letting him continue to be part of our family while it slowly killed me inside.

I think with him speaking up is to do with him trying to assert some parental authority but it isn't as effective if he doesn't do any other parenting. It feels is like he is cherry picking what he wants to get out of this.

Job, I wonder if his comments and behaviours are to do with being a little jealous. He isn't usually the jealous type but it certainly could be the reason why he hasn't contacted D at all for about two weeks now. Oh well! We have a right to live our lives without him and be happy!

I've also stopped contacting H when D gets upset with him. In the past I would be straight on the phone firing off a text to either apologise on D's behalf or defend her but now I do nothing I just listen to D and validate although I do advise her if I think a text might be too strong or disrespectful.

With the house, I've started to go around and do all the things that H couldn't be bothered to do when he was living here. He hates any DIY! Today I've started cleaning up some stained glass windows with a view to renovating the frames. I'm quite excited about it although I have never attempted anything like this so it could be a disaster! I'm going to see if my Dad can give me some advice.

AP, my main man! Hola to you too!! Wrt H not giving me any reasons for leaving he did say the usual that he doesn't love me, hates that I like gardening, hates that I don't like sport, hates that we have nothing in common blah, blah, blah! So nothing really concrete. Instead because he has refused to talk to me about this I have looked in the mirror quite a lot since BD and I am trying to see myself through his eyes. I know that I'm a big worrier unnecessarily usually, I nag, I was a little controlling, I'm really not interested in sports (but he knew that when he met me. I come from a large family of girls with very little money for food let alone hobbies), I get loud when I am frustrated, I get frustrated easily etc, etc. The list could go on. I am my biggest critic!

Over this past year I have taken steps to address each of theses issues and although I know I can't get rid if them all completely I am learning to tone them down. This holiday was a great opportunity for me to put all that I have learned so far into practice. After all what better opportunity than with two grumpy, mouthy, know it all teenage girls!! My greatest achievement was to try not to worry unnecessarily and if I did to not show the girls so I wasn't putting it on their shoulders too. Also I tried not to control each day by having a plan. After all, the fact that neither of them appeared from their bedrooms before lunchtime meant that any plans had to be very loose and not time-bound! I think they appreciated this!

AP, I am proud of the woman that I am becoming. I feel so much stronger now and so is my relationship with D. She really made me proud at her prom and I think she was secretly pleased that I swallowed my pride and asked H to come along. Although he has never thanked me if this. I was also very touched when during the holiday she told her friend that we had a very close mother daughter relationship.

Wrt taking H off as D's next of kin for college. I hope this didn't come across as being petty or look like I am punishing him. It was a difficult decision to make and I had mulled it over for a few weeks before speaking with D about it. For one it is not practical if we do not have his new address and I'm certainly not asking him as we are not supposed to know. Secondly the person who will be there for D when I am not able to surely needs to be someone I can trust and have confidence in and at the moment I don't have either in him.

You know, when I bagged up his clothes I didn't cry I just did it and that's how I know I was ready. Thanks for the Popsicle though I'm definitely going to start giving those out to our fellow D'bers now!!

Now, I've trying to get the image of your socks and sandles out of my head all evening but it keeps popping back in!!

Happy Saturday everyone!!

[Coly23]

Hey Peace, thanks for the visit!

Yes, I've heard that they can be very secretive. It's very strange really. H told one of his friends at BD that he wanted to build a friendship with me (i snooped at the email when I was looking for something else. It was probably the most un-emotional, matter of fact email I have ever seen considering he was talking about the breakdown of our marriage!) but what friend doesn't tell you they have moved and doesn't give you their new address? Even friends I haven't seen in years still send a new address card! That's why it's such a load of crap when they say they want to be friends!

D definitely feels the rejection so I think keeping our distance is best all round. Still it feels very sad knowing that he really doesn't want anything to do with us anymore....

[skm0619]

Coly.....so glad to hear that you had a nice time of your vacation

I have said this in the past.....I can not imagine having to go through all of this with children. There were days when I had no idea how I got out of bed and went to work. I honestly don't remember a lot of those first few months after BD. So with that said, I certainly hope that you know that you are a fabulous mother to your D, and if she is half as great as you are (which I'm sure she is), then she certainly knows how lucky she is to have you

Our stories do sound very familiar. When I kicked H out, he went to go and live with a friend for a few months, but after that he moved into his own place and made damn sure that I did not know where he was moving to. BUT, as we all know those in MLC, don't always do the smartest things. He gave his new address to our insurance company, and I had to change things with them, and that was when I found his address.

I can tell you that when I filed the divorce papers and he didn't sign them for a few months, I finally was fed up and showed up at his house with them. Lets just say he was shocked when he opened the door and saw me standing there

He later told me he didn't want me coming over unexpectedly, or driving by to see if he was home. He also was very paranoid....his words... and he thought I would give his APs husband his address and he would come to his house and start a fight with him.

I'm glad that you finally packed up the rest of his things. I was like you and did not have any sadness when I did it. I can also say that there were some things that I knew he would want to keep, but I threw them in the trash anyway. I know that probably was spiteful, and a bit immature, but I honestly did not care at that time.

You say you nag, are a little controlling, and you get loud when you get frustrated ....... I think you could be my twin Coly I definitely beat myself up at first for reacting that way at certain times, but I don't do that anymore. All we can do is work on ourselves one day at a time. At least we are working on ourselves, unlike some who don't even want to look in the mirror to see who they really are.

Make your place all about you Coly. Change things that you have always wanted to change. It may sound trivial, but I always wanted to sleep on the other side of the bed, but H liked to sleep there, but now I sleep where I want to sleep

After BD happened my H told me that he hadn't loved me for the past 3 years of our marriage. He wanted a divorce and he gave me several reasons, but the stupidest reason was that "we didn't like the same kind of food" as a reason why we should split up ........ Seriously???

You may never know why he did what he did, or why he left, but that does not define who YOU are. That is his problem to deal with. And to be honest, I can bet you that he doesn't have any idea why he left either.

My H said and did some horrible things to me after BD.......well guess what?? Now he is the one who is trying to come back into my life. He is the one saying that he made all the mistakes and knows what he did was wrong, and that there is no one to blame but himself for all of this. He is in therapy and trying to figure himself out. And guess what else.....I still nag, and am still a little controlling and still get loud when I get frustrated. But, the craziest things is the man who once didn't even want me to know where he was living has now given me a key to that place

Remember.....one day at a time Coly

[job]

skm0619,

Very well said. You were not, nor are you now, the reason for him walking. The problem is within him and he needs to fix himself one way or the other.

Coly, live your life to the fullest. If he wakes up and realizes the damage he has created and wants to return, he will need to do the heavy lifting in order to convince you that he's recommitted to the marriage 100 percent. At the end of the day, you will be the one to decide whether to try again or not.

Try not to look back...look forward.