Smokey, welcome to the boards! Your case is a bit unusual in that you were already mostly DBing before your first post, so nice work Your GAL sounds fantastic, your ability to give your W time and space is really quite impressive for being so early in your sitch and your attitude is right where it needs to be. I'm just going to nick you a little on asking about contacting another woman, don't go there yet. I know you're saying it would just be a "friends" thing but I think if you dig deep inside you know you're hoping for more. It seems like an easy way to escape the hurt but all it does is make things MUCH more complicated. I started dating a year after BD and looking back I should have waited at least another year. I just wasn't emotionally ready even though I thought I was.
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My self-confidence took a hit when my wife told me she was not physically attracted to me. A couple of weeks later she told me I looked good and noticed the weight I had lost (I also went out and bought some new clothes). I have always lifted weights and considered my-self in the 80% of shape for a 44 yr old so I never could have imagined she would not be attracted to me. I guess with women it is more mental.
Yes, especially with a WAW. You could frankly look like the statue of David and she'd still picture you as a sloth on the couch. Like Sandi said, it's all about respect. She lost her respect for you and sees you as physically unappealing. You're well on your way to turning that image around, but you do need to be patient. It's going to take her months or even a year or more before she can start seeing you as attractive again.
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I just need to figure out a way to show my confidence around her without seeming to eager.
You do that by not "showing" her, but just by being confident all the time. She'll see it, others will see it and report that back to her. In fact when she hears it from others it will likely make a bigger impression.
Stunned, thanks the first 2 or 3 weeks I was a mess so I didn't start DBing right away it took a bit. When she first told me I asked all the questions most everyone else would. I never did beg or plead though just asked to try and understand. I must say once she moved out it got much better and was easier to DB.
Your right, a easy way to escape the hurt. I will take the confidence boost though and file it away to make me stronger!
I do understand what got me into this situation and I know even though it might not work out with my current wife I have a better understanding what not to do going forward.
I also try to focus on what I can control and realize there might be an A going on even if I have no proof. I can't control it so I don't try to sweat it and I am not snooping.
To the physical attraction part: I agree with AnotherStander. My XW was packing my stuff and she asked if I would keep a jacket I haven't used in ages. I said it's probably too big for me (since I've lost about 24 pounds since BD and even gained muscle). She laughed and said it would certainly fit as I was thin a few years back. I'm actually about 20 pounds below that and I've gone below the weight I was when we first met...
They really can't see properly and still keep us very unattractive. So just forget it and make yourself even more attractive!
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
I agree, it is not a physical thing. W texted me earlier and said she was going to our neighbors house with the kids and I could pick them up there. It will be interesting to see if she sticks around and waits for me. I also need to take note if she goes into the house un-invited. She called me yday to drop some things off and I told her it was ok for her to go in. I can tell when she is there because the dishes have been done. I realize that I will need to set some boundaries with the house if it continues. I will walk in confident tonight and keep it light. Only conversations about drop off time tomorrow morning and location her apt or picking them up from the house. I also need to discuss Friday morning since I am leaving town for the weekend to see some of my buddies I would like to see my girls before I leave. Take them some doughnuts and chat for 30 min or so.
Went to neighbors, wife dropped them off and was not there. Even played my pump music on the way home to enhance my confidence. Wife told neighbor she had to run some errands and make some returns or something. I guess she didn't want to see me (maybe someone else is playing some games). Knowing my wife she was probably frustrated having the kids all day and wanted to get away. She is known to do this.
Wife told neighbor she had to run some errands and make some returns or something. I guess she didn't want to see me (maybe someone else is playing some games). Knowing my wife she was probably frustrated having the kids all day and wanted to get away. She is known to do this.
She's not playing games, she really doesn't want to see you. That will eventually lessen or even reverse, but get used to it for now because she's trying to put space between you two. This is going to be your "new normal" for quite a while.
Well I had a weak moment this morning when I dropped the kids off. I ended up going into her apt for coffee and everything was fine then she started probing about my weekend and about our relationship. I told her I felt good, was confident etc. and let her know some of things I had been doing. She told me what she had been up to but she also said she knows she still made the right choice by moving out Divorce, etc. We had some additional conversation about finances (she is changing her direct deposit into her own account) and our joint cell phone bill. There was no concrete discussion about sitting down and finalizing our divorce, etc. I am flying out of town this weekend to Nashville to see my friends and she offered to give me a ride which I declined. I said a few other things about our relationship that I probably should not have said and I made her cry when I told her that I knew her story and felt sorry for her. She really has no family and me/the kids where everything to her. She has cut off her mom/stepdad if you read my previous posts and she really has a small relationship with her real father.
Anyway....I had a weak moment. I had been so strong for 3 weeks and then caved. Does this happen from time to time?
Cool.... thanks. I had been doing so good I just got sucked in. She told me she was glad she had the conversation and I got sucked in. So mad at myself.....I even told her she is the mother of my children and she would always have a place in my heart. I violated every rule I had been following. I could tell she was fishing for information and I took the stinking bait! Why Why Why!
She was temperature checking to make sure you still belong to her so she can continue her A without fear of you moving the D along. It worked exactly as she had hoped.
Your GAL sounds fantastic, your ability to give your W time and space is really quite impressive for being so early in your sitch and your attitude is right where it needs to be. I'm just going to nick you a little on asking about contacting another woman, don't go there yet. I know you're saying it would just be a "friends" thing but I think if you dig deep inside you know you're hoping for more. It seems like an easy way to escape the hurt but all it does is make things MUCH more complicated. I started dating a year after BD and looking back I should have waited at least another year. I just wasn't emotionally ready even though I thought I was.