Here again part 9

[Ginger1]

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The thing is, do YOU want to be married to this unpredictable, unreliable, grumpy man? A marriage is a commitment to be one another's rock. Will you ever be able to see him as your rock, ever again? If he came back to you right now, would you be able to believe him? Would you want to trust yourself to him?

You are so focused on just getting him back (understandably so) but do you know what that would look like?

I would really think about the questions Maybell asked instead of wondering what he is thinking, feeling, ect.

I am going to try to leave my personal opinion out of this..... but if he decides to "stay" I hope you won't just be glad he's home with no change. That's why this is such a process. While we cannot predict or control the future, I would hate to see you and your kids go through this a THIRD time. Letting him back without change on his part would be detrimental.

You really do deserve much better. I pray that your H would be the someone much better than who he is now. But that is not something you can fix, only he can

[Ginger1]

And I am saying this because I was where you were. I had an infant and I just wanted him to not leave me. I would have let him back in unchanged at first. Hell, I begged him to come back. I screamed, I told him how awful he was for doing this and I tried ot guilt him back in, I tried everything.
Hind-sight vision is 20/20. Looking back, if he dumped OW and came back home, but nothing changed, well, I would have suffered longer, and I would have been exactly where I am now 9 years later. Divorced.

[25yearsmlc]

And I am saying this because I was where you were. I had an infant and I just wanted him to not leave me. I would have let him back in unchanged at first. Hell, I begged him to come back. I screamed, I told him how awful he was for doing this and I tried ot guilt him back in, I tried everything.
Hind-sight vision is 20/20. Looking back, if he dumped OW and came back home, but nothing changed, well, I would have suffered longer,

and I would have been exactly where I am now 9 years later. Divorced.

and 9 years older...

just saying T0, please take 5 minutes (once) and go down the rabbit hole of "what if he snaps out of it and returns and SAYS he's all in"???

that's when it hits you that there are so many other things you'd need to feel safe,

so you have to move forward.

Hey, your h could have that internal earthquake and want to do all the work he should have done before.

it could happen. But until if/when it does, please hear us.

You are single as it is, so let's get you a plan for how to handle going forward.

[Ginger1]

I have to say, although I was shocked, scared, all of the above, the first thing I did even though I was in some sort of fog was figure out how to do it on my own. He planned on walking right out the door the night he dropped the bomb. I had no clue it was coming and he was just going to go to his sisters. I went to my dad's for 2 months instead. I worked 2 nights per diem night shifts, I immediately went back to full time for more money and benefits since I was under his. He was to take her on the nights I worked. I signed her up for daycare 2 days a week so I could sleep when I came from work in the morning. I just planned my life without having to depend on him. I did depend on him to take his time with her, which was the nights I worked, and he did. But I surely was going to hire a nanny and send him half the bill if he didn't want her.

This is what you can control NOT him.

Had he come back, it put me in a better more powerful position. He would have known he was a want, not a need.

FWIW, I am happy. I am single, although I have dated, but our daughter is 9, she is a wonderful happy child, an excellent student, well-adjusted. I have a great balance with a social life, my dear friends, my family, and activities. Sure, companionship would be nice, but the best is, I don't need a "baby daddy" I don't need someone elses money, or house or anything. Everyone I share my life with is on a "want basis"

You are a strong smart woman. Plan your life. If he fits into it and wants to do the work to become a part of it again in a healthy way, GREAT. But if not, you will be ok. You will even be HAPPY

[Ginger1]

.....one more thing.... when the shiftwork was working as she got older, I did not depend on him to pick of the slack either. I took it upon myself to leave a position in my career I loved to get something that fit our daughters schedule. (I'm a nurse by the way, you seem to be a healthcare professional too). I did this because I never wanted to rely on him and he wasn't willing to make any adjustments (he actually ended up taking one night less a week instead).

[sandi2]

H continues to lie every day.

It irks you to death, but you cannot and will not be able to control the fact he is a liar. I have very personal experience with compulsive and pathological liars, and if you try to control his lies.......it will consume you and you'll be focused on the wrong objective. You don't need it.

Yes I know I need to detach but that is my reason for wanting the schedule. He texts me saying he has to do XYZ and won't be at the house til late. But that's not what he's doing at all ...

By late, do you mean when he comes over to spend the night? B/c I think you can put a halt to that part. No more of him coming by to see the boys and then leaving. It keeps you upset, and may leave the kids unsettled before bedtime, IDK. The objective is to protect your feelings, and since this is upsetting to you......how can it be resolved so you can mentally detach from the anger, frustration, and consuming thoughts of what H is "really doing"?

I am a pen & paper type of person, however, I have updated to the computer version .
If I were you, I'd write out these things that are bugging the cr@p out of you and threatens to prevent you from mentally detaching. Then write your objective, and write out beside your objective your plan to achieve it. Remember, (b/c it's easy to blur the lines and try to control him), you are protecting your feelings. You control you, not him. That's not to say you have to let him pop up at the house whenever he decides. There needs to be some ground rules established, so you might bear that in mind as you are sorting this out.

Detaching doesn't mean you have to stop loving him. It works to free you from the painful bondage you currently feel in connection to what he is doing in his life. You allow his behavior to control you, b/c you become obsessive about his lies and what he is likely doing. TO, I have personal experience of living with a compulsive & pathological liar. It is absolutely horrible and can consume the lives of a family. Even when I knew they lied with every breath they took, I was the one who was being a puppet and allowing their lies to rule any chance of me having a healthy emotional/mental state of mind. It's a thief and will rob you of precious things you can't get back. So, build your fort and protect your feelings from his destructive ways. You have to shift gears from saving the M......to saving yourself. Does that mean it will push him to D you sooner? No! It's not going to push or pull him. It's going to save you. You can't save anything until you save yourself first. Being left when a woman is in her most vulnerable condition.....is unforgivable, but it happens to many women. I don't know how you have the sanity to get through your schooling, stay up all night with a newborn, run the house and the other two kids, and work........all while your hormones are trying to find some type of balance.

But because he's not saying he wants to work on the R it's not my business to call him out, right?

Exactly! You are not his mother, and he has separated from the MR. It will be tempting to call him out, but it will do no good whatsoever. You need to have some ground rules, b/c you are emotionally vulnerable. Calmly telling him that xxx does not work for you (or you and the kids) is not calling him out. You will no longer talk about how he lives his life. The only thing you care about is how his actions directly affect your schedule, the children's welfare, etc. For the moment, you can't focus on how his behavior affects the M. That has to be put on a shelf for now. In order to fix yourself, you must stop trying to fix the MR, b/c you are loosing "TO" in the process. You have to emotionally and mentally train yourself to separate from his life and make a new life for yourself. It won't be done in a few days or weeks. It is a daily work, taking a few steps at a time to build up your emotional strength.

He thinks he's dad of the year coming to sleep on the couch at 9pm getting here eating dinner working out and watching tv on the couch all nigh

Well, you can't help what his wayward brain thinks, but you can stop him from doing this little song & dance at your house. He gave up his home and family, so he doesn't get to come in right before the children's bedtime, eat dinner and make himself at home. He doesn't get to keep his old life and his new life, too. This is not you being punitive to him; and who cares if someone thinks it is? Don't let it sr@w with your head. This is you setting ground rules that protect your emotions and the peaceful routine you have established within those four walls. You aren't focused on what he does outside those four walls, but since he's removed himself as the protector and leader of this family unit........You step up. You say who gets to spend the night at your house. If you have any legal concerns, check with you lawyer.

BTW, if he has not removed all of his personal items from within the house, and if seeing his things bother you........I don't think it would be out of order to ask him to finish moving them. The sooner he stops dragging out the process of getting a few things at a time, the sooner his excuses to pop in for more clothes will end.

[T384]

Hi all ,

Yes I am making plans to NOT count on him. That's something I learned from last time that he was unpredictable and frankly just didn't care about anyone but himself. Things seem to be taking a similar course as last time. Last time he continued to come around and slowly separated himself as things progressed with OW. But *I* am a different person at this stage. I may have made a lot of mistakes while H was in the home because I thought we were in a different place and that here was NO way he would leave me with this baby and while in school especially because he had said he wasn't going anywhere. Well now that I've realized I was wrong... it's a different story.

I'm working on letting him go. I think each day is a little better with minor set backs each day. I'm less emotional. I stop myself when I start getting worked up thinking about things. Yesterday he came by. I said hi first since he can't seem to say hi to me but decided a neighbor would be the bigger person and say hi. He came in and sat on the bed with the baby and I and S6. He asked S6 to go for a walk on the beach. I told him I was planning on leaving to give him some time with the kids. That I needed to leave at 815. He said ok. He asked if I would be around this weekend because he needed to go to a baby shower for the boss daughter (not the one he's been talking to but a different one). One he had never even met before until the last 3 weeks. I just asked if everyone fromcwork was going because he said they all pitched in on a gift.... I asked if he planned on taking the boys if it was a kid friendly place and I would take that time to study (I have an exam Monday). He said he didn't know he didn't even know where it was. So I just left it at that. He got in the shower and was in there well past 815 so I gave him til 830 and he was still in there so I just left while he was in the shower. I didn't come
Home til 11. I asked how the baby was got in bed with the boys and he went to the couch. He asked what we were doing today. I told him we were taking the train downtown. He asked what time and suggested we leave earlier than I planned so we didn't miss it. I just said ok thanks.

So this weekend the boys and I will go about our plans. If H brings up taking them to the baby shower great if not I'll make arrangements to study at some point.

[sandi2]

He said the only time H respects me is when I don't give 2 shits about him.

He's right. Read Txhubby's first post on his new thread. I realize it may not make sense to rational person, but it's the wayward spouse who is out in left field. He thinks everything is about him. You have made him the center of your life, and he doesn't appreciate it. He resents you mothering him and holding him accountable for past sins. He is in full out rebellion, and he sees you losing him.......not the other way around. WW's have the same mindset. It's crazy! In most every success story, the LBS had let go of the WS and did not try to stay BFF's and all of that stuff. They moved forward and had as little necessary contact with the WS as possible. In these success stories, when the wayward spouse realized they were being dumped by the LBS.........it was as if they would become intrigued and reverse the chase. I believe there is some human nature at play when this happens. Even in our modern society where we have seen many changes in the way people think and act.............there is an innate behavior that I still believe exsits. Some people say it's playing games, and that's true to an extent. Someone needs to tell the animal kingdom, since it has been proven how this behavior plays a part in their mating rituals. . In a lot of cases, the female acts as if she's not interested, while the male struts around showing off......or fights off his competition (still showing off) to win the female. She may have been interested all along, but the male doesn't know it, and he is drawn to her and thinks he has to win her favor in order to mate with her. Wait.......am I talking about the animal kingdom or humans? Both! I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I have seen the chase reverse when the one pursuing would stop and lose interest. I will admit that if my H would have dumped my a$$, it would have been an immediate change of heart for this wayward gal. I believe I would have gotten my act together real quick, by seeing him as the one leaving me, instead of me walking away from him.

I'm a fixer. I want to make everything okay. I just I don't like conflict I just want to deal with the issue and move on rather than sweep it under the rug and drag it out.

I refer back to my previous post on this subject.

setting a schedule or doing anything in the next week is not going to change anything toward the better at this moment it will just add more stress for me so I will suck it up and make plans with the boys and if he chooses to reach out I will decide IF he can join or he can have the kids one day himself

Okay, whatever you need to do. Schedules should not cause stress, but give you predictability where you can have a sense of organization in your unstable situation. Maybe others are encouraging you to share family activities with H, IDK. I just think this is the time you need to shift gears and protect your emotions. The more you allow him to play like one big happy family.......the more difficult and painful for you to detach.

If we go on the boat I will decide if he's invited. It will depend on my mood and what's best for the children.

You mean this weekend? I thought you were getting away with the boys. Look, TO, it will always be best for the children to have both parents with them! Affairs, separation, and divorce are not designed for the children's best (unless in abuse cases, etc.), so you have to think what is best for you in this current timeframe. As parents we always think about our children's best, and what I'm saying may sound terribly self-centered in your opinion. Under normal circumstances, I would be the first to agree. However, these are not normal circumstances and you must do what is best for you to rise above this mess your H has caused, and come through in one piece. He enjoys the family outings, right? Then he leaves and goes back to his own private life. So what does it do for you? You enjoy it, too? Does it raise your hopes? Does it send you back through the old thought patterns and self blaming? Do you essentially hurt more or longer b/c you saw a glimpse of what was once your old life? Do whatever works for you.

I did send a text earlier - baby was 15 lbs 3oz 24.5 in long 99 percentile and poor guy got 4 shots. And left it at that... I didn't engage further but I'm going to be the bigger person. I am not going to give him ANY ammunition toward me to paint me to be the person he is convincing himself I am.

What you texted was fine. I just get concerned when you talk about being the bigger person.......if he is the measuring stick. You need to be free of what he might think about you. Can you see how it controls you? Ammunition? Honey, he is a liar. He doesn't need legitimate ammunition.........his wayward mindset is all the ammunition he needs!!

[AnotherStander]

Hahaha! I LOVE your animal kingdom analogy Sandi, so on point

[cadence]

If Sandi2 had a microphone, it would be wholly appropriate for her to drop it at the end of that post.

I'm in awe!