ILYBINILWY - OW - what to do next

[Coconut]

Couple of quick things... Don't have much time.

1. I don't think you can likely keep him from moving him home, but you don't have to OK it.
2. Even if he ends with OW, best to wait awhile to agree to try to work it out. For now stick with I don't know what I want right now, need time to decide. Validate, be kind but not willing to let him just come back, best if he feels he might lose you because of HIS actions. If he really wants it, he will need to fight to get you back.
3. Don't punish him when it comes to the kids, let him be the BEST dad ever, give him an opportunity to see the importance of his family, if your not comfortable tell him that, don't just say "you can't come in", tell him why you would prefer he doesn't. Better he knows he hurt you and you don't want to see him, than for you to be 8!t(hy wife who tells him he can't step foot in house.

[AnotherStander]

After a lovely evening at a friends we got back I was cooking dinner for the two of us and all he wanted to talk about was her! Needed to justify it. I completely lost the plot and I mean completely and kicked him out. And I mean kicked him out suitcases throwing clothes out of the wardrobe he asked me to stop, I asked him if he was going to stop he said no so I said I wouldn't and carried on. the screaming banshee he doesn't want gave him the justification he needed. He's gone and I know I will probably regret this tomorrow but not as much as he will. I need to work on me and my kids and that is all. He will come back through this door when I say so.

Actually as I was reading down through your posts I was thinking "she really needs to kick him the hell out." His behavior is outrageous, just flagrantly carrying on with OW like that. And pulling you in for a kiss? Welcome to crazy town. If he is MLC then do what you can to separate your finances. Full blown MLCers (especially men) will go on crazy spending sprees and trips and accrue crazy amounts of debt and often the LBS gets saddled with some of the debt in the D. I'm not suggesting pursuing D, but you might talk to a L and start protecting yourself financially.

It's possible that getting kicked out may wake him up (sooner or later) but just be careful not to welcome him back with open arms. There are a lot of boundaries you should set up, but that can be discussed more if and when the time comes. Good luck and stay strong!

[SJW]

I can stop him coming home he has a room at work so it's not like he has nowhere to stay and this is the consequence of his actions. I have told him I want to work on M he is adamant that he doesn't so do I now say I don't know what I want? By validating his feelings I feel like I'm validating A?

I can't see or speak to him at the moment it hurts too much. I don't have the choice of working at it or not he has made his mind up. He wants to stay in the house and nothing to change apart from separate rooms and carry on seeing OW surely not letting him back whilst he continues down this path is the right thing to do??

Sorry Coconut I appreciate your support so much but your post has confused me.

[SJW]

Thanks AS kicking him out was tough but he pushed me so much last week talking about still going on holiday as a family and all that and then after such a lovely evening where he was telling friends what a fantastic day our wedding was I just lost it.

I agree about the finances completely and that will be my mission tomorrow. Not had a good day today so just getting through it will be enough. His phone bill has just gone out the bank today and it's three times what it normally is! I know he's on full MLC mission and with me losing my job I can't afford for him to be dragging us down with him. I have a friend who is a D and family lawyer so will also speak to her tomorrow. D is not the route I want to go down but I may not have a choice and my first priority has to be protecting mine and the kids futures.

In all honesty I was hoping that kicking him out and him having to live in his single room in the barracks would be the wake up he needed he's only done one night and was making a lot of contact yesterday but I haven't heard from him today at all.

If and I'm pretty sure it won't but if he said he wanted to try it would be a very long road with both of us acknowledging the flaws in ourselves and our M and building up from there I could not just drop back into how it was. Be nice to have that option but I don't right now and perhaps never will.

[SJW]

Just been reading through Sandi's rules again and the difficult thing for me is because my H has spent so much time away from home in the army, tours etc. I have a life and he would drop into that same life when he was home so how do appear to be getting a life when I already have one and apparently one that he's bored with? I can't change much about it as it revolves around a close group of friends and involves our respective kids. The kids play together at one or the others houses and the adults chat together whilst they play, everyones happy.

The other thing is if I'm not seeing or speaking to him how can he see that I'm acting as if and upbeat?

[SJW]

OK......he's now text to say he has made plans not to go to football and needs this week to get used to it!! I'm kind of good with that right now as it gives me a week to work on me as well although it's going to crucify me at time wondering where he is and what he's doing (is he with OW) I am better when he's not around. It also means the kids have another week of ignorance which is good.

I asked if he wanted me to tell them he was on exercise and he said yes so let's see what this week brings for me and my babies. I need sort the job sitch, start clearing the house and working on me so when I do see him again he'll get the shock of his life or maybe I'll get mine and he's even deeper infatuated with her.

[Coconut]

I went back and read your post, I thought you when you told him that he wasn't welcome to come back home while he was with OW, that he said he should of made it clearer that he wasn't... big difference, I apologize for the confusion on my part.

when I said you can't likely keep him out of the house, I was typing on my ipad and it should have read legally keep him out. If he owns half the house, then legally he can live there. So I was saying he can legally move back, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with it (even if he ended it with OW). My point was that just cause he says he stopped it with her doesn't mean you should jump in and start piecing (again, my confusion).

So I agree, him living somewhere else is best.

Ok, so moving on from my confusing post.. You say you have a life, so let me ask you do you have a "passion" in your life? Just cause you meet friends, and maybe participate in activities, is there anything that really gives you a rush just thinking about it? Passion is sexy, and if you don't have it, then you keep trying different things until you find it. Can be anything, but it's great to have something you can't wait to do again, something you can talk to others about and they see the passion in your eyes and hear it in your words.

[AnotherStander]

D is not the route I want to go down but I may not have a choice and my first priority has to be protecting mine and the kids futures.

I think there are a lot of MLCer wives out there that wish they had taken steps to protect themselves sooner! Like it's not enough that you have to suffer through the cheating and BD, but adding on financial misery on top of that is just too much!

In all honesty I was hoping that kicking him out and him having to live in his single room in the barracks would be the wake up he needed he's only done one night and was making a lot of contact yesterday but I haven't heard from him today at all.

It could very well wake him up, but again be careful not to welcome him back with open arms too quickly. Especially if he really is MLC, if he is then his behavior is unlikely to change for a long, long time. He'll tell you whatever he thinks he needs to to get his way (cake eat). MLCers are raging liars.

If and I'm pretty sure it won't but if he said he wanted to try it would be a very long road with both of us acknowledging the flaws in ourselves and our M and building up from there I could not just drop back into how it was. Be nice to have that option but I don't right now and perhaps never will.

Yes, exactly. We all come here wanting to know how to get back to normal, but "normal" is no longer an option after BD. The old marriage is already dead and gone by the time we find our ways here. I'll tell you this, of all the recon stories I've read after an affair, not one has gone smoothly. It's really tough to rebuild the trust after an A. Many times the LBS ends the relationship after recon because they feel like the MLCer will never change and they get tired of dealing with it. So just be prepared, no matter whether your M is saved or not you've got a tough road ahead!

[SJW]

Thanks Coconut and I appreciate you're busy and taking this time out to talk to me is just fantastic of you. My passion is dancing, always has been, always will be. When I went through my last D 15 years ago I got proper private dance lessons and when I met my H I was doing medals and competitions but then we moved and I had to give it up. So you're absolutely right I need to find a dance class and fast.

[SJW]

Thanks again AS your words are very wise and as I said earlier welcoming him back with open arms would not be the case it would be very very slow and cautious a recon would be a long time off.