SJW, no matter what, you need to work on you before you can work on "us".. If he stays gone for a bit, that will help you focus on you, baby steps. First figure out what you can do for 180's and for GAL.
What does being the best mom ever look like to you? Do those things with your kids during the week, after school... for the weekends, make plans to do something, and ask WH if he wants to spend time with kids (yes or no question) if not find another way, but GAL.
If he stays gone, it's the best thing for your sanity right now, his A is either going to flourish or fail right now, but either way you have to work on you before you could even think about working on "us"
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Thank you Coconut. The best Mum for my kids looks like me I have always been their stable and now losing my job I am going to be even more. I have a life, he doesn't and you know what kicking him out even if it was in temper was the best thing for me. I feel so much calmer and able to focus on me and the kids and I can tell them that Daddy had to go to work because that does happen in the army at a moments notice. As long as they've got me and our friends they're fine and that's all that matters. I'm home alone tonight so I can grieve without the kids here and he is facing up to what he has chosen. x
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
As far as him, do anything you can to keep him away, it's for your own sanity, time will bring a level head, but you need time.. Him staying away right now is a good thing.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Sorry Coconut I went to bed. The kids were at a friends I would never have done that had they been here.
He called this morning asking if I was OK???? He's not real! Asked if he could come back to look after the kids tonight, I'm going out for my friends Birthday and staying over. I said no. He asked if he could watch S at football tournament tomorrow and come and get some stuff I said up to him if he went to football I would get someone to bring his stuff. I had a change of heart later and thought it would be better for the kids if he was here with them tonight but told him I don't want to see him.
He wants to tell the kids but I know I need to be there when he does that and I don't think I'm ready to him to devastate them this soon, it makes it all so final. When is a good time though because as far as he's concerned he's done. They're used to him being away for work so I think we should leave it at least until after his weekend away with OW next weekend. But them am I just clinging onto the hope that he'll have a change of heart and we won't have to tell them which deep down I know isn't going to happen?
He's told his Mum that regardless of OW he doesn't want to be with me.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
My ot6her quandary is he wants to see the kids as much as possible which is fine but how do I let him do that without seeing him without it becoming obvious to them? I suppose I could pretend I'm still working and then stay at a friends when he's home?
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Him saying he doesn't want to be with you is based on emotion, he's infatuated with the fantasy of OW, it may change over time, or it may not, but nothing you can do about it so focus stays on you.
If you're going out, and he wants to stay with the kids, absolutely do that, he's their father, don't block that.
As for him wanting to see them, tell him you want him to do that too, but a schedule needs to be set up, so it's planned. Don't lie about having plans, instead just say the truth, I'm going out. I would let him know he needs to tell you when he will be taking them out to do things or staying at the house so you can plan accordingly. If your up to staying in the house without being confrontational, then that's ok, but if it hurts to much, just go out. With a schedule, you'll be able to plan with friends and family to do something or visit them.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
The weekend has been a complete rollercoaster of emotions. From the devastation of anger and hurt on Friday night to a fantastic night out with the girls on Saturday night where we danced ALL night to coming back down to earth with a huge bump yesterday. He asked to come home and I told him that if he was continuing down the path with OW then he was not welcome at home he said he was and perhaps he should have made that clearer to begin with. How much clearer is taking her out for days out and away for the weekend this coming weekend???
I'm in limbo waiting to hear from my boss to sort out the work situation and really need to get that sorted and a line drawn under it so I can focus on me and the kids. I have asked for a meeting today or this evening rather than going into the office tomorrow, I can do without that humiliation right now. He is supposed to be contacting me today to let me know.
H wanted to take the kids to football tonight and last night I said no because I can't see him and these are the consequences of his choices but I have just text him to say that he can but he can't come in the house. I don't believe I should allow him in the house right now because this is his choice but is that the right thing to do? I could let him in and not be here but then why should I put myself out? I don't think we can really schedule until we have told them and I just don't feel strong enough right now to do that or am I just being selfish and don't want that additional nail in the coffin of our M??
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
