Don't send him anything! It's better to be treated as an acquaintance than the enemy. Great job at detaching! Your relationship needs to go from negative to neutral.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Ya I just don't know what neutral is exactly. Because I'm friendly but don't go out of my way to talk to him. Yesterday I didn't say much because they weee gone most of the day I made a small conversation about a soccer game that we talked about then walked out of the room and didn't talk much after. He went and got dinner for everyone and I thanked him for that and let him sit on the couch by himself while the boys and I watched a movie in my room.
We really don't talk much at all. If we do it's short and not about anything substantial unless it's kid related. And I haven't brought up anything. My dad was going to talk to him yesterday but I asked him not to. Like I said my uncle did but he told me it was very brief. He told H he's not taking sides and doesn't know much of anything what's going on just that he's not living at the house and that he hopes we can figure things out that we both have things we need to work on and that life is tough and relationships are hard. He's been married for 30 years and that there were plenty of times he wanted to walk away but that at the end of the day he's glad he didn't. He said H said a few things he's unhappy with me about and that he doesn't want to put the boys through a divorce but that he just doesn't know. Then I walked outside (didn't know they were talking) and the conversation ended.
I don't plan on initiating contact this week. I am not going to ask if he's staying the night I'll just see what happens. If he doesn't come by I'll have the boys call at night. If he texts about the kids I'll respond and I think this week if he asks about my day I'll respond since I didn't last week. That's about all I have for now who knows what will change. I haven't checked the phone bill since Friday because when is we bad things (realtors talking to boss daughter etc) it really brings down my ability to be As if.
Because your fear outweighs your love for yourself.
T0, you snooping does not help you. It increases your anxiety and woe is me. It puts you at risk of reactivity toward H. I swear, if you say anything to him about realtors or buying a house, I will hunt you down, T0!
You are doing so good. Don't mess it up!
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I need to accept it's over and he's never coming back
Oh, come on, T0. Your M is over. We've told you that. You don't want the one he's leaving, anyway. But never coming back is a stretch.
Why must you torture yourself like this?
What have you been doing to educate yourself about what is going on with H so that you don't get sucked into this negative cycle?
Are you reading the stories of others? Success stories are great. They allow you to read the despair, and then read as the person gets themselves back, then the strength, and then R can happen. (It can't until then.)
Are you reading your own history, to see how despairing you were then and you came out the other side and were okay (and yes, we know it's the second time and so what? If this is an MLC it's not a quick thing.)
Are you reading books?
Are you commenting in others' threads and providing them support?
What are you doing other than your daily stuff, posting here in your thread, and occasionally snooping on H? And I don't mean activities, I mean what are you doing to self-soothe and take hold of the bigger picture?
Once you prioritize those things, then you will understand why snooping is your addiction. "Just one more, I'll feel better". <proceeds to not feel better> "One more time. I'll feel better this time. Surely my story isn't like the others. What do they know?" <proceeds to not feel better>.
Maybe next time is the time when you snoop and feel better than before you snooped.
I promise I'm not going to say anything. He told me he would be here two hours ago and still isn't so I got curious I guess you could say.
I feel like I'm not doing good. I'm just here at the house I say hi and other than that we don't interact. I don't hover in the living room where he is and I'm too tired to go out and do anything on these nights so I just usually hang in my room with the baby and do homework.
I know I need to stop snooping... I feel like I'm just tying to protect myself from being blindsided. It gets my hopes up when he stayed here all weekend and again tonight then I'm brought back down to reality when I see he's still making other plans.
I have read others stories and read my own which was painful but I am feeeling as if I'm not in a place to offer any type of advice.
I just feel like there's no way he can come back twice. How can I even attract him back to me when I'm so depressed. I just had a baby I feel terrible about myself I'm in school. Having to go back to work soon. I don't even want to go out and do anything unless it's with my boys. I just feel TIRED. How am I supposed to compare to OW that's fun no responsibilities doesn't have 3 kids civrcles under her eyes from being up all hours of the night and constantly having a newborn attached to her breastfeeding.
My life consists of caring for the baby my boys going o school and coming home cooking dinner getting the house in order and watching a movie with the kids. That's my life. Unless it's my day off then it's some homework and then I take the boys to do something.
I just feel hopeless and lost. I'm not going to say anything or act on these feelings but I feel so alone. I feel so sad that he doesn't love me anymore. That he is so unhappy he would rather do this and leave our family then bear being with me as his wife again.
When this first started and we went to C I asked him who was I to you when you were happy and on top of the world. Who was I? When you loved me beyond measure what kind of person was I? He couldn't answer any questions I asked. I asked him what do you need from me? What's missing? What do you need to be happy? He couldn't answer anything. He just told me to be myself and do what I want to do. If I want to miss him then do it. Don't worry about what I think he wants or asking him for permission.
Anyway I'm just rambling. I just wish I could have a sign that there's hope. Something positive.
I feel like I'm not doing good. I'm just here at the house I say hi and other than that we don't interact.
Doing nothing is better than doing something. If you can't manage lighthearted detachment, then not doing anything is fine. You do not want to provide him anything to work with in building a case to D.
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know I need to stop snooping... I feel like I'm just tying to protect myself from being blindsided.
You can't protect yourself from being blindsided by H or by life. And all it does is keep you miserable. What you find never makes you feel better. Never. Even if you find nothing, you walk away feeling bad.
So, stop snooping. That's it.
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I have read others stories and read my own which was painful but I am feeeling as if I'm not in a place to offer any type of advice.
Yes, you are. Do you know why I like offering advice? I like helping people, but also it helps me see the big picture. I'm detached from the scenario, and I can see what would be helpful for that person to achieve their stated goals. And that then allows me to have that as second nature in my own mind, so it helps me, too.
Go find at least one other person's thread and give them advice, T0. It's time to reach out to something bigger than yourself and your situation. It will help others and it will help you and there is zero downside.
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I just feel like there's no way he can come back twice
How do you explain that very same thing happening to others? T0, how much have you read on MLC? Did you know it often involves fits of going and staying until it finally sticks, because it is a process happening within the MLCer? It has nothing to do with how much they love their spouse, just whether they can tolerate emotional intimacy with another person. It is my belief that the A's, which are usually A down, happen because they want to a) feel alive via limerance, b) feel powerful by getting their ego fed, and c) be with someone whom they cannot get too close.
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My life consists of caring for the baby my boys going o school and coming home cooking dinner getting the house in order and watching a movie with the kids. That's my life. Unless it's my day off then it's some homework and then I take the boys to do something.
That's okay, T0. Many people would long for that life. I'll never have kids, and I feel envy that no matter what happens with H, you've got your kids. I envy you. I don't envy what it takes to be parent to kids - I know it must be exhausting. But please try to remember that not everyone has what you have, and even if it feels like less to you, it's still full of blessings.
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I just feel hopeless and lost. I'm not going to say anything or act on these feelings but I feel so alone.
I'm sorry, T0. But I also want you to look at the bigger picture here and remember that you are grieving and these feelings are natural for someone who is grieving.
You can't avoid grieving. It is what it is. And I know it's little consolation to you, but growth happens during these low moments. You need to let them happen to move forward from them.
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I feel so sad that he doesn't love me anymore.
I'm sorry you feel this way. And I'm sorry H thinks he doesn't love you anymore. Do I think he actually doesn't love you anymore? Nope. I think he does. It's just buried right now.
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That he is so unhappy he would rather do this and leave our family then bear being with me as his wife again.
I know. I often sit and list the things that H is doing to his and his kids' life in order to get away from me. It is irrational and astounding, and for those reasons, it hurts. It's like "Am I really that bad?"
But I know that while there were definitely things I could have been better at, H misidentified me as the reason he was unhappy.
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When this first started and we went to C I asked him who was I to you when you were happy and on top of the world. Who was I? When you loved me beyond measure what kind of person was I? He couldn't answer any questions I asked. I asked him what do you need from me? What's missing? What do you need to be happy? He couldn't answer anything. He just told me to be myself and do what I want to do. If I want to miss him then do it. Don't worry about what I think he wants or asking him for permission.
T0, repeat after me: "H's actions are not a value-judgment about me and my worth. H has a lens up right now that filters all that he sees, because he is a (suspected) MLCer, is taking steroids, and is likely getting attention from other women. These things impact the filter through which he sees me, T0. I have the same value I did as when he approved of me and thought I made him happy. I have the same value as I did before I even met H. My worth as a lovable human being is not defined by a midlife man's choices."
Wow. I am in aw right now. These are some awesome women and the advice is so on point and eloquently stated. I can't think of anything better to add, but I can still try and chip in too. Feeling grateful for this community when I read your thread, TO!
I am sorry this is so rough. Try and read and reread what these women are saying. No one is "done" with anything until they are dead and really done. People and feelings change all the time. Lately I keep thinking that I am done with my M and then I think of your thread and how many times I have read the word "done" and I literally roll my eyes at myself! lol.
TO, we all believe in you. You actually have complete control over your life and happiness; you just can't see it today because you are hurting and feeling defeated. That is okay, we all have those times in life! You can get to that strong and confident woman that we know you are. AND YOU WILL! One day at a time right now. Savor every little success. And don't beat yourself up every time you think you messed up. That is just being human!
Feel your pain, sadness, and fear--cry, call someone, post here--and then you get to place it on the shelf, dust yourself off, and you keep getting up. That is power and control--that much you can do now. Later you can do more.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
