I am angry I am hurting and I am scared. My work sitch is getting worse, I'm MD but the owner is cutting me put of everything isn't talking to me, knows what's going on in my M but is almost angry that it means he can't be as horrible as he wants to be and I feel like my life is just imploding.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I slept fitfully an have woken p with that complete hollow heartbroken feeling. I told work last night I wouldn't be in I just can't deal with that and this something is going to have to give for me to focus on me and the children and getting through this. I think he does need to leave because seeing him and talking to him hurts too much. I think I need to work out finances today so he can have his independence, whilst that may facilitate his A it will only serve to antagonise him when he has asked me to do it.
I need to focus on what I can change, me, and let go of what I can't, him.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Just picked up my mobile and he text me 20 minutes ago 'you OK babe' what do I say to that???? Do I apologise for last night, do I keep it simple and say yes are you as if last night never happened. How strange.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I didn't get chance to reply he called about an hour later, I hadn't ignored it I was getting the kids ready for school. He asked if I was OK - REALLY AGAIN! I know this is about making himself feel better and it's not fair. He asked if I was at work I said I'd taken the day off and was taking the kids to school, he said I thought you might. It was pleasant enough but unnecessary for me it just gives false hope and hurts.
One thing he did say to me last night when I was doing what I shouldn't be and crying and shouting was I'll just come home and be miserable then because this isn't how I want you to be.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I've stuck to my plans and achieved what I set out to do. He keeps telling me that the children will always come first and yet again on his afternoon off instead of picking them up from school and spending precious time with them he has just asked the nanny to drop them at football and he'll meet them there.
I was all prepared for him coming back later than he would normally but was ready to say nothing as per DB rules but to not even get back to take them to football and just leave them there on their own am I still supposed to say nothing??
I told him this morning I was at home when he was asking how I was, short memory he'll be sh&*ing his pants all the way home now the nanny's told him I picked the kids up.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
In my heart of hearts I know he has already moved his head and heart into the new R and I have to work on myself and being a better person and Mum but I also needed to let him know this is not OK.
He knows. He may act all fine and dandy on the outside, but inside he is wracked with guilt. He wants to blame you for it and probably does, and if you go postal on him he thinks he's justified in blaming you because you're "clearly volatile and unstable" (I'm not saying you are, I'm saying that's the way WAS's think). So you have got to reign in that type of behavior. We all do all the wrong things before coming here, so don't beat yourself up over what you've already done. Just don't do it again. Go back and read DB again, specifically the chapter on infidelity. Try to model your behavior on that. And remember Sandi's rules:
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
I am really confused. When he finally got home on Wednesday he wasn't very happy, well he'd been caught for being late for the kids again only red handed this time. He instigated a conversation about nothing has changed and I listened whilst he vented then asked him what he wanted to happen. He preceded to tell me that he asked OW to meet up as he needed some reassurances from her as he had turned everyones lives upside down and I was devastated. I didn't interrupt but when he looked at me for comment I asked him did he not think I was devastated before I lost it, he said he did but he had never heard me like that and it really made him think. I get that he went to see OW for convo on the back of it so bad DB but surely he needed to know how upset I am and it appears that made him realise?? He keeps saying you don't seem that bothered most of the time, this will be when I'm AIF I guess?? Any comments?
Anyway we talked at length, he did most of the talking and I made sure I validated where appropriate and made my opinion clear on the A. It was very evident that all of his decisions are being made around what she is doing, whether she is going to leave her H or not. She says she is but she will not her H about my H and they will keep I quiet until the dust settles then my H moves in I guess. I want him here for the kids but I also said that makes me a doormat. Suggestions?
I had done the finances and went through them with him, he was a bit shocked and not totally happy but I thought he was doing OK out of it, I'm the higher earner but I have more expenses. Yesterday we went to the bank to take my name of one of the joint accounts so he could use it without my knowledge (I have always done all the finances and he has always been happy with that when I asked him to take it on he didn't want to). When we came out of the bank he grabbed my hand turned me towards him kissed me on the lips and said thank you before I even knew what had happened. I pulled my hand away as I started to well up damn it and he pulled it back, I told him unless you want to work on our M you cannot do that it isn't fair.
We then went to S's assembly but he got a call from OW just before we went in and she was not happy with him. He fidgeted all through the assembly visibly anxious and once S received hi award he left. The kids get to go to the parents at the end for a cuddle including my younger one didn't get an award and what did they both say "where did Daddy go". Later that evening he called to say he was staying at work and his whole demeanour had returned to business-like friendship. Woohoo the MLC rollercoaster!
In other news I lost my job today well received redundancy notice which in itself is a joke how can the MD be redundant. So battling for my settlement has to be my focus for now just hope I can get it resolved quickly.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Oh forgot to say when OW reassured him I asked what would you have done if she hadn't and he said well I'd be making a big mistake. I probably shouldn't have pursued it but couldn't help myself so I said but I thought you didn't want us regardless of her and he then said I was twisting his words so I stopped and let him carry on.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
He just got home and I did it again ARRRGGGHHHH! He mentioned her and I went off on one. I've told him not to mention her in the house. I need to withdraw and re gather.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
After a lovely evening at a friends we got back I was cooking dinner for the two of us and all he wanted to talk about was her! Needed to justify it. I completely lost the plot and I mean completely and kicked him out. And I mean kicked him out suitcases throwing clothes out of the wardrobe he asked me to stop, I asked him if he was going to stop he said no so I said I wouldn't and carried on. the screaming banshee he doesn't want gave him the justification he needed. He's gone and I know I will probably regret this tomorrow but not as much as he will. I need to work on me and my kids and that is all. He will come back through this door when I say so.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
