Cadence - I don't know why my anxiety is so bad. My C thinks because like PTSD of last time... I'm not sure. I was never this anxious before. But I can feel myself spinning. I try to post here or reach out to my mom so I don't knew jerk and say something or do something out of emotions.
It could be PTSD. You've also just endured a long "will he/won't he" waiting game, which probably wore you out more than you know. Maybe also your hormones haven't leveled out after the baby?
I'm really happy to hear that you've venting here instead of acting out. Maybe so we're less worried include that disclaimer next time.
If you haven't ever tried meditation, I really recommend it. It might take some time to really "get it", but the practice of trying to meditate is so helpful. It forces you to redirect your thoughts and not judge yourself too harshly for having them.
Quote:
I will get back to that person in 2014. I promise
Seeing that you typed that made my day. Seriously.
You know you can do it, T0. You've birthed 3 babies, you're an amazing mom, you are in grad school and are a smarty pants. Find your mojo, girl.
At the same time, we recognize that you're grieving. It's okay if you want to feel bad for yourself as long as you have plans to emerge like a phoenix. Wallow if you need to. Just try not to get stuck.
I'm further along than you (I know you've been enduring for a while, but I just mean in H moving out). I was a hot mess for awhile. I'm just getting back on track from quite an extensive "eat my feelings" phase. I'm finally starting to emerge from my funk. I noticed walking around the grocery store that guys were checking me out, and I fully believe it's because my feelings about myself are showing. My shoulders are back, my head is high, I'm quick to smile, and those heels I was wearing didn't hurt either. I knew if H saw me walking around he'd have to bite his fist, because I am well on the way to getting myself back to the gal I was when we met.
I've still got it. You do, too, T0.
I wasn't aware that the last S was in 2014! That was the last time H and I were apart, too. It's like it's cyclical in a 2-3 year cycle. Hm.
I think dropping the rope, in many ways, is probably seen differently by many people, depending a lot on where they are on their journey.
You may be right. For me, I have a mental image of two teams pulling the rope. Between the two teams is a large ditch covered by slimy mud. The object of the game to the team who pulls the other team into the slimy mud will be the winners.
I have mostly seen adults participate and they have strategically placed the stong muscled men in certain areas, and the weaker women in other places. One rope is stretch over the muddy ditch. When the signal to begins is sounded, all these muscled guys go into full force. When each time had balanced amount of muscle guys, they can almost be at stand still pulling on each end of the rope.
The funny part I have witnessed is when one team suddenly and without warning drop their end of the drop. The other head lunges head first in the muddy slime. They are a little stunned at what's happened, but the other team it not paying them any attention. They could get mad, call foul playing, or whatever.........but they don't see regret the other team, nobody is looking back to see what happened after the dropped their end of the drop.
In a sense, you've go to drop that rope you has lassoed around H. You are pulling back kicking & screaming. If you suddenly let go of the rope, I bet they would stumble head long.......b/c they are so use to the tug of war between you. The important part here, is that you should not be seen looking back at the losing team. You have immediately become interested in something else. Do you see how this can be applied to you and H?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well I may have made an errror tonight. H called. He never showed up to see the boys. He lied about where he was. Then brought up some [censored] about having no money.
I'm sure tonight wasn't the night but I said H do g insult my intelligence. We both know that's not the truth. I said you need to start being honest with me.
He went on asking what I was talking about. I left it vague and just said something along the lines of a house. He proceeded to say he didn't have the money blah blah I don't even remember everything he said. I said again I'm not getting into this just letting you know I won't tolerate any lying.
Then he started to go on about how he just needs space just a week or two to decide what he wants. That he needed a break from us always talking about it. That he's not saying it's going to work out we may need to just make a schedule for the kids. I didn't really say much. He went on that there was too much arguing. He was unhappy. I validated where I could but didn't feel like I should validating someone that's lying. So I said I'm sorry you felt you needed to leave to get space.
The conversation went on longer than it should and I sat quiet most of the time. H even said hello a few times. I said yes I'm here just listening.
Basically he just said he needs space he can't give any answers. I said I'm not asking for answers. I have only asked for you to share the parental responsibility and help out as a dad and nothing more. The only other thing I'm asking is for honesty.
He said he was going to spend the night tomorrow night and 'possibly' the weeekend.
I wanted to say no it's not a possibly. We aren't a doormat. But I didn't want the conversation to take a wrong turn so I left it be and got off the phone.
I don't. Believe a word he says. Him Saying he needs space and just needed two weeks is a lie. Because then he said well at the end of the two weeks I may decide this isn't going to work and we need to go our separate ways. I'm just not sure. That's why I had to get away so I could make a clear decision that I will live with for the rest of my life. I didn't want to say I'm done while we were arguing. I want to know I'm done when things are calm between us so I know it's the right decision. I just said okay.
Oh and he heard my car on when I was on the phone. He asked where I was. If I was in the car. I said yes. Then he said where are you. I said out why. He said oh just wondering I could barely hear you. He said when will you be home. I said later. Not sure. He said oh ok I was just wondering so I could talk to the boys. I said you. Can FaceTime them on their iPad I'm not sure when I'll be back.
Okay let's take a breather for a second. No more of these convos with H! You've clued him in that you're not stupid. It sounds like he's in a perfect position for you to stop talking and start getting a little mysterious. Time to get T's groove back! You have one leg up. Do NOT slip!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
