Limerence and My Situation

[Coconut]

I stayed CN throughout especially when she then went into a conversation about me and whether I am seeing anyone, I mentioned I wasn't and just wanted to be there for the boys BUT "if something fell in my lap?" She instantly went into attack made and said "don't just pick the first woman & women are nasty none of them will be good enough for my boys." (Pot and kettle) hit a nerve there... I continued to be consistent and everything continued in an amicable way.

What I got from all this...

3.Jelousey "don't just pick the first woman & women are nasty none of them will be good enough for my boys".


Mark.

For accuracy sake.

Ps- there was no jealousy there, it was making sure no one else was going to ruin her good thing.

[Cadet]

Before I actually made that decision, I told one of my mentors that I felt as if I had stayed in my M for the sake of my children, and now was I suppose to sacrifice my last chance at happiness for the sake of my grandchildren.......was there no time that I could do something for my sake? Good lord, that embarrasses me, today. It shows the sheer selfish mindset of a wayward wife who saw herself as a victim of an unhappy MR.

I think that trying to find happiness in external factors is part of the issue.
Thinking another partner is going to provide happiness is an error in thinking.
People are happy with themselves or not.
Those that are not happy may never find happiness in something external.
My ex-wife used to go shopping "retail therapy" saying that was making her happy.
That worked for a while - until it stopped working.
She could not spend enough money to make her happy.

We all need to look inside ourselves to make us happy.
I thought for a while that unless I reconciled I would not be happy.
That also only works for so long.
Unless both partners want to make a relationship work and both are happy and content with themselves will a relationship work.
Most people on this board are in a one sided relationship.
That is not going to work until both parties are all in.

[AnotherStander]

By the way she is slooowly starting to notice... She is seeing someone who is GAL and investing less time in her. This is starting to make her take a little more notice but she is so far into phase 1 of linmerence it has very very little affect on her as I knew it would.

That sounds like a lot of mind-reading to me. You sound very clinical about this, but this isn't a laboratory and your W isn't a lab rat. You're dealing with emotions and emotions are ALWAYS a very unpredictable moving target. I just get the impression you think you have this all figured out and you're hosting an online class to educate the rest of us, LOL! And as a result you're not really listening or paying attention to anything anyone is telling you. And I suspect THAT attitude may be a contributing factor to why you are here in the first place, and if it is then you are engaging in more-of-the-same behavior. Ask yourself if a 180 for you is to quit putting everything under a microscope and trying to convert it into an equation to be solved.

Can I ask do you believe in the limerent process?

I know exactly what it is, and have seen it play out many times in my own sitch and those of many others. And I can promise you this- YOU CANNOT PREDICT THE OUTCOME. There are many different outcomes, one of them is she "comes to her senses" and wants to get back together, another is she falls deeply in love with OM and decides she wants a permanent R with him. There are a hundred other options that fall somewhere between those two extremes. You have to be prepared for ANY of those eventualities as 25 said. Waiting it out is NOT preparing.

[Parkema]

Hello All,

Thanks for the continued interest.

"Your W has never been faced with that choice, she got to keep her life (house minus H), gained the OM in that life, and practically got a key to your place. Her H is there whenever she wants, she's told her H not to date, and she truly has a good thing going. I don't think I'd complain if I was in her shoes."

To a degree I agree with this statement except "key to your place", there Is always going to be a drop-off pick-up element to family life as I sure you're aware, I wouldn't suggest we sit down and have long meaningful conversations in fact they're quite business like and very short, isn't this typical of a family separated due to an A?

Also I am GAL in fact this Thursday I'm getting "suited and booted" and going out at about the same time the WW will be around to pick up the boys and this is one of the many times I have demonstrated this since I moved out of the FH.

There was a conversation where she said "don't just fall for the first woman that comes along, women are nasty - coming from her..!" And "no woman will be good enough for my boys". But the AP/LO is..! Unbelievable.
That being said this conversation came about because I happened to mention that if someone was to come along and we interested each other then... Although between you and me I L my wife and at this moment can't see anybody in that way and I don't think I will for a while yet.

"Having family time with mommy and daddy..."How would you have me handle it? I am not going to restrict my boys exposure to there mum as this is frowned upon here and I feel would be more detrimental than that of the weakness I'm having to show them regarding managing this situation.

What is the situation?

Each day my boys are with me due to carer issues (this is a financially beneficial).
WW will come to my home and invited in and will either pick up the boys or spend some time with them and leave.
Mostly this contact is over within 15 minutes and I have very little exposure to her except the civil "hello how are you". All other contact is instigated by her and again very business like.

You are right in that she has to make a choice and I'm not helping in escalating that process but again if you read some of my posts and that of other's well equipped to comment you will see this process comes to a head!

I can't go "that's it you will no longer have access to me any more until this A is over" firstly wouldn't bother her and would bankrupt me... So I work around this by "limiting" the contact and exposure by going away as much as I can when she comes to be with the boys or picking up.

Again whilst I have to experience these meetings I can use them to my advantage by showing her what she's given up.

1. A great father - the boys and I are always interacting in a positive way.
2. A friend - paramount to a good relationship.
3. A safe place - if and when her A goes south where will she more likely go? If she needs a shoulder to cry on is she likely to go to someone unknown?
4. A better me - not for HER but for me I'm getting better and better without her and as this thing evolves so do I.

Now please understand all this work and she may STILL more than likely stay with her AP/LO due to some kind of pride or saving of face - Sandi2 did this impact you? BUT I have to believe in the process, I have to keep the hope that my WW will eventually realise she's made a massive mistake and look to R the M before it TOO LATE.

What else can I do? I L her and want my M to be better than ever and with me working on those issues I feel caused us to deteriorate hope to have just that. Difficult if she can't see this though...

25yearsmlc thanks, Father's Day was great, 30 degree's in the shade in the UK...
I took the boys to a water park and we had a great time, the only down side is getting used to not having my WW with me and seeing all those other couples enjoying their time together. This was all forgotten after my boys said they really loved the day and wanted it to continue .

My boys are a massive help in keeping my morale up for the fight and I will continue to do all I can within the realms of DR'ing to bring this to a solution.

Thanks for the continued support.

Mark.

[Coconut]

Again whilst I have to experience these meetings I can use them to my advantage by showing her what she's given up.

1. A great father - the boys and I are always interacting in a positive way.
2. A friend - paramount to a good relationship.
3. A safe place - if and when her A goes south where will she more likely go? If she needs a shoulder to cry on is she likely to go to someone unknown?
4. A better me - not for HER but for me I'm getting better and better without her and as this thing evolves so do I.

Just curious, do you really believe she has given up any of the 4 things you listed above?

[Cadet]

I have to believe in the process, I have to keep the hope that my WW will eventually realise she's made a massive mistake and look to R the M before it TOO LATE.

SO how long is "eventually" and "before it is too late"?

[AnotherStander]

Again whilst I have to experience these meetings I can use them to my advantage by showing her what she's given up.

1. A great father - the boys and I are always interacting in a positive way.
2. A friend - paramount to a good relationship.
3. A safe place - if and when her A goes south where will she more likely go? If she needs a shoulder to cry on is she likely to go to someone unknown?
4. A better me - not for HER but for me I'm getting better and better without her and as this thing evolves so do I.

Just curious, do you really believe she has given up any of the 4 things you listed above?

Great point. Mark, even if your strategy is to outlast limerence she's got to learn to miss you. Do you think that is happening?

[Parkema]

Hi Cadet, All

"SO how long is "eventually" and "before it is too late"?

Previous post - (3 - 36 months) and what I mean by too late is that I will have moved on to another R.

"Great point. Mark, even if your strategy is to outlast limerence she's got to learn to miss you. Do you think that is happening?"

No but again it's all about the limerence, is she still in phase 1 - infatuation - only been 7 months (so she says)? doesn't matter if I was Romeo she would still not see me yet... This is not about me so much it's about her working through the stages, realising his faults eventually and then remembering that other person who she could always talk to in a safe way and due to him working on their M issues and his P.I.E.S isn't all that bad after all.

Again no guarantee's

I thank you all for continuing to look out for me and just having this interaction is helping and long may it continue.

Thank you all again.

Mark.

[BluWave]

Hi Mark,

I read through your thread; it's pretty fascinating. I am sorry you find yourself here. I am impressed with your motivation to save your M. You are getting some great feedback/questions and I would agree with the direction the posters are trying to point you in. I sense a bit of resistance from you. I hope you know these guys are not trying to challenge you, but more so mold your way of thinking to benefit you. I don't want to repeat the same things, so I am going to let you know about my sitch to highlight the message that I think they are trying to get across.

My H followed the said proven stages of limerance according to you. He had an EA for about 8 mos (high infatuation), both separated from spouses (both had kids), they had a full PA for about 10 mos, they had their fantasy R (entered a chitty reality), crash & burn, therefore he "snapped out of it," did a fairly sharp 180, came back with all the remorse, and we have been piecing for over 2 years. Textbook? Science? Luck? I have no idea. The OW went on to her next OM as soon as my H left her. My sense about it was that she used my H as an exit A and that my H was depressed/vulnerable to an A with our M (and family) hardships at that time. Others that believe in MLC could argue a MLC, and argue it well based on his behaviors. I don't think it makes a difference.

This is what I do know. His father did the exact same thing several years before and the situations/time-line are almost identical. I was terrible at DB and did "not pave the way," "keep the bridge safe," or give him a reason to even want to come back. I was furious, heartbroken, and a raging B-T-H! I punished him every chance I got. And guess what? He still came back. Some of it was simply circumstantial. I reached a point where I gave up: I was mentally exhausted, I wanted to let go, and so I started to plan a life without him. I don't know that my behavior changed all that much, but he sensed the change immediately. HE REALIZED HE WAS LOSING ME. That happened at the same time he reached stage 10 or whatever (in the limerance theory you discuss) and it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

So here is the thing. While there are so many similarities in our stories (and limerance), there are just as many differences or more. You are waiting for your W's A to fall apart and she knows it. As long as you manintain yourself as her solid plan B, I don't think she will learn to respect you or even want to come back. Even if the A runs it's course, she may not. I think most women don't. So that is why everyone is telling you to let her go and focus on you. Really and truly let go of her! Trust us please, this woman knows you are sitting there waiting for her. Stop it now. That may be your only hope. Plus, if you can GAL without the goal of the M, you are well more prepared for a future without her.

You can do this. Shift your thinking a bit and remove yourself from plan B. Plus, you deserve better than that.
Blu

[sandi2]

I wish Sandi2 would of expanded on what triggered her to want to do the right thing.. She mentioned getting caught, then going deeper underground. But if memory serves me, she got miserable hiding it, wanted to meet OM in person and threatened her H she was going to move out, and her H said do what you want, but don't think you'll ever come back.

I don't want to take over Park's thread and make it about me, but I don't mind answering questions. It is difficult to include everything in a few paragraphs, b/c as Coconut knows, it takes me too many words. . My reference of being caught was my H's first confrontation, and I did not threaten. I did take the A deeper (secret phone, etc), while making plans to meet with the OM. It was the second, and last, confrontation that things hit the fan and I did try a couple of threats. When I brought up separation, he shocked me by saying there would be no coming back. I made typical WW comments of hoping we could remain friends. That is when he shocked me further by saying there would be no buddy-buddy system. I saw my H as my backup. If things did not work out with OM, I would just return to my safe home and my safe husband. I assumed my H would be happy that I would even consider having him as a friend, and for sure......having me return home. My H quickly let me know that wouldn't happen. I had more respect for him, following that little discussion!

I don't remember an exact trigger. The things I was being told on the board, fell in line with my moral and spiritual values. It was tough to hear, and yet I knew it was exactly what I needed. I will never forget one night on the board when I clashed with a man who had a WW. While I was trying to justify my actions and basically blame my H for my A, he asked me why I had not chosen to divorce my H before having an A, b/c it would have been a more honorable option. Instead, I was the one who was cheating and bringing shame and disrespect into my M. Perhaps it was the way he said it, or the timing, but It demolished my justifications and cut to the core of my own personal values.

In the meantime, I was also being warned about some things in the OM that I did not want to see......b/c I wanted to believe the fantasy. Oh, and another thing was a local M woman left her H & family to move long distant to her OM she had never met in person! Wasn't long until I heard she was begging her H to let her go back home! He didn't, and filed for a divorce. Her fantasy blew up in her face and she lost her family. So, yeah......it all worked together to get me to the decision of doing the right thing.