So nice to hear an update and such a positive one at that! Congrats on the new place. Have fun nesting!!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
hello Cil - thanks for the pop in on my side of the tracks and the advice about eating nuts - who knew? They actually tend to be something I snack on fairly consistently, so I will bear that in mind.
I'm so happy you've "landed" and are nesting. All good stuff for you, and so well deserved. You've done a great job and I know how much work went into getting this far.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Bttrfly, Sotto, Coly, Ownit, HaWho...thanks for stopping in to check on me!
The house is coming together slowly. I'm not sure how to get contractors over here quicker to do bids on work, but it has rained so much this year, everyone is backed up. I'm just impatient because I want to have an idea of costs before I decide what I can afford. I really need insulation and paint, but the last people to upgrade the home covered up attic access so I need a new access to insulate, and some cosmetic work on the siding before paint (woodpecker attack, apparently). Bluhhh. I seem to be being thrown into situations where patience is a must...so something is trying to tell me I need to practice that!
Speaking of patience...here's my MLCer update and observations. I went to the mechanic's to drop my car and XH did show up to pick me up and do the truck exchange. Even called to tell me he was almost there as he was a few minutes late. He looked nice and I told him so...even reached out and ran a finger along the side of his head remarking on his short hair. Freshly cut, according to him (the touch was for me, but brought forth a smile...so, hey- I'm not going to kick myself over it!). We chatted a bit before he asked if I had plans immediately and suggested we go for a beer. So we did. And appetizers. We talked...At first just catching up on our kids. Then stuff. I was a bit chatty about my life right now because, surprisingly (and so not his norm since BD) he seemed interested. But listened a lot to him and he was much more forthcoming with speaking about things. Much easier and lots of eye contact ...and smiles.
We talked about his mom and how she is progressing through the stages of Alzheimer's and how she is angry most of the time at his dad, even though she doesn't remember why. This opened up a whole can of observations of how he grew up and what he was exposed to due to his parent's relationship...a father who created and believed in a fantasy marriage of love and devotion and a mother who tore him down to everyone and outwardly expressed anger with his father much of the time...sometimes even physically. His dad seemed to carry "fake it till you make it" to the extreme, and still does. I even told him, "I always saw your family as kind of living a Brady Bunch family life and was fascinated by it. I liked that about you all as a family". He explained that they kind of were much of the time, but that other stuff existed, too. It must have been hard to deal with that contradiction of outward appearances and how it really was. I wonder how much he feared that I felt toward him like his mom felt toward his dad?
It was a very good conversation. We talked about so many things...so many subjects. I instigated leaving the restaurant and later getting out of the truck at his apartment...I think he would have gone on more. I initiated a hug as he turned to leave, as well. As I was pulling out of his apartment complex, I glanced over and he was paused on the stairs watching me leave still.
I'm good, right now. I'm processing this interaction this morning. It had a different feel to it than our other meetings. Easier? I almost felt like two people on a second date...trying to know each other but no real flirting. Processing, though. I'll try not to get that low feeling that usually follows an interaction. And expectations at 0. I'm still not locking my knees...and I'm busy going 10 directions at once!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Hi Ciluzen, This may be weird to ask, since this forum is supposed to be all anonymous, but I know from your posts that you live in Washington. My daughter and her husband will be moving there in July. She has taken a job in Kent. They are looking at an apartment in Auburn. I just wondered if by chance that is anywhere near you? Since we don't know anyone there, just thought maybe you might have some advice. Not sure you'd want to share them on the public forum, but I didn't know how else to ask. I hope I'm not breaking some kind of DB rule. LOL.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Seattle metro in general is a very expensive area with bad traffic. Auburn is more rural and may be better. Kent is often extremely backed up on the freeways because of where it sits in proximity to the 405 and I5. Summer starts in July. Winters are brutally depressing but not that cold with not much snow. Seahawk apparel is a must on Fridays. Subarus and bicycles rule the road and owning a dog appears to be a must. She'll need a Good to Go pass for the Lexus lanes. People are well-educated but standoffish compared to the south. Not much diversity. Lots of slow drives in the left lane, but not crazy like the California drivers. In all a nice place to live with all the outdoor activities you could ever want.
Hey Leahsue! Sorry...I'm not much help. I live on the other side of the state and the two sides are as different as night and day. Ownits info is probably much more accurate than mine would be. I only visit the west side once in awhile, so all I can tell you is that traffic is crazy, prices are high, it rains a lot, and that it is a lot of fun to visit due to city activities and proximity to beautiful outdoor adventures in the areas surrounding the cities. People I know who live or have lived there love it, but I'm happy to only visit. Good luck to your daughter and her husband...it will be whatever type of adventure they make it!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
WOW, thanks Ownit, I didn't even know to ask you! But lots of good information. I have copied your response and sent it on to my daughter. She may have more questions later, that I will pass along. Thanks SO MUCH for spotting this and responding. It's kind of frustrating to not be able to speak freely and exchange information. I understand the reasons and the safety issues, but still..... anyway, thanks for your insights.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
So, I'm journaling again so I can later look back and remember what's happening or has happened as life moves ahead. Its going to be a novel. Warning: this is mostly about XH.
So I tend to multitask like crazy. When I paint, I usually have two or more pictures going at once. When I read (for pleasure) I usually have two or more books going at once. Right now I feel rushed to get this new/old house in order. I'm laying brick pathwys and patios, creating planters around trees (free bricks from a friend as long as I dismantle her patio and wall), got my garden in and then...there's the house.
I've been unloading my storage unit, but after filling up bookshelves in my studio realized I really need to create bookshelves in my living room. However, I wanted to paint the room. So, I ended up painting the room (it was going to just be the wall where the shelves would be), and then entry way and door needed to be painted different colors because I have cool arches in this bungalo and slight color differences enhanced that. I'm missing the ocean and doing my own "back to my roots" part of a pseudo MLC (not really...just LBS stuff) so I'm sticking with slightly seaside/mediterranean colors. Still drawing plans for the guy who is tiling my bathroom and putting in a smaller sink cabinet...which needs to get done before my mom comes to visit in August. And today I have an orientation and barbecue at the director for my master's program's house and then class starts tomorrow. I also have an art class to teach through a friend's studio...to artists. No pressure there!
Anyway, on to XH. I had told him I would need to borrow the truck a few times this summer when we were talking over beers the last time I got the truck. I arranged with his assistant (my friend) for me to drive to his apartment (two blocks from his office) to drop the truck, then she would grab me when she left work and then the two of us would go to dinner, then she could see my house (she only lives a few blocks from me, so on the way). I wanted to keep XH out of the exchange because if there was no reason for him to see me...why not? Then I got a text from him saying he would have her drop him at my place to get the truck, which I explained was him going out of his way as he was going to head north to the river house and I'm south of his office and apartment. I explained we'd already had it all figured out...all he had to do was leave work, go home and the truck would be waiting for him. He said his plan worked better? So, that happened. And he was wierd. He acted antsy, wouldn't make eye contact, kept looking past me, opened my fridge, looked around outside, paced...then asked if he had permission to go (I said "of course"). Assistant B (this will make more sense later) and I just watched him spin the whole time, then we went to dinner.
The little bit she brought up about XH was about how forgetful he was and how "Bubbles" suddenly felt free after the D to start acting as office manager (she's not) and micromanage everyone. Funny thing; wives of people in his profession for some reason are notorious for taking over practices and ticking off staff. I made it a point to be hands-off of the office and have managed to stay friends with everyone. I just had artwork there and stopped by to chat when in town, as I was encouraged to. Anyway, Bubbles was apparently out for a surgery for 2 weeks and Assistant B said everyone was overjoyed. Yes, it made me feel good to hear it...I'm a rotten person.
XH called to speak about D25 the next week...she asked him for $40 and he gave it to her, then felt that he should let me know because he "probably did the wrong thing". I didn't take the bait and explained that neither one of us got a handbook. He thought maybe she had asked me and that I had said no, but when I said she never asked, he seemed surprised. Anyway, he seems to be trying hard to co-parent our adults, but always seems ...not very confident in his actions? I try to stay light and validate...but who is this guy? I know he's realizing and working on his controlling nature, but he was almost shattered by giving her $40.
The next time I borroed the truck, I grabbed it with no H involved. He actually called me to let me know it was available as I was at an event with friends and seemed in good spirits and curious about my event...couldn't get him off of the phone. Then the next day, I got a call from D26 saying she had "the most depressing convo ever" with her dad (he had gone to a conference on the other side of the state), but only mentioned that he hated the conference, hated that city, hated everything there. I later learned while having lunch with his other assistant (Assistant A) that Bubbles came back after her surgery and was upset that everything everyone,including H, did while she was gone was wrong (I'm sure it was an exaggeration) and that he was in a bad mood because of it. Thankfully, I was spared from that, as that was the evening he called during my event and seemed happy.
So now to this weekend (if anyone's made it this far).
XH called at 2:30 as he was returning from his conference to see how I wanted to handle the truck exchange (I had it while he was gone). But he kept getting sidetracked. He talked about his conference, memories of times we'd gone to some, movies he watched, and an interview with Depak Chopra that he really enjoyed that changed the way he viewed things. THAT was mind blowing for me. Whereas we here share TED talks, websites and self help books and advice; XH seems to be spending his time doing these things,too. And for the man who has never really lived alone; who spent his youth doing all of the sports, activities and profession that his father chose; went to his father's alma mater; whose religious, social, and political beliefs were those of his father, and who to this day holds on to tractor and old car that he doesn't want or use because his father (who is 1500 miles away and will never visit) wants him to have them...sharing that he found Depak Chopra to be amazing and mind blowing...that's HUGE! I think he's really trying to figure out who he is apart from his parents...because he never has! At 53 years old, he never really rebelled or outwardly questioned how he was raised. Don't we all at some point?! His most rebellious move was to move our family 1500 miles away (his parents blamed me and XH never corrected them) and to grow a goatee (his dad still teases him horribly and nastily about it). So, after 2 1/2 hours of talk and mostly me listening, but lots of funny similarities and coincidences for these two people who were "so different" and "grew apart", it was time for me to drive the truck to his apartment and him to drive me back home.
Oh, and funny thing that stood out to me...at one point he mentioned that he "made me" sit in the passenger seat when we drove places, but immediately corrected it to "he preferred to drive". Before, he always spoke of how he "made me" do things and I would correct him saying I allowed it because I loved him. This is him trying to work out his feelings about how controlling he is and trying to not be like his dad...I KNOW this...but it leaves him unsure of how he SHOULD act. So I changed what I usually would say, and helped him...I explained that that was always perfect for me, as I prefer to ride and look out the window. I like driving well enough when I'm alone, but when with other's, especially good drivers, I was happier as a passenger. That seemed to surprise him.
On the way back to my house, he suddenly asked if I had gotten a ski pass to our ski hill. I told him my mom had gotten me one for my birthday. He then said, "I'm so sorry, but I got one to (a different resort)". I'm very proud of myself because I was so casual and able to say, "I figured you would...you basically live at the river house and its closer. I'm not a die-hard skier like you, so I'm good sticking to what's familiar. Plus my friends all go to (my resort)". He then launched into a long drawn out list of reasons about why he was switching, apologizing the whole time, which mostly had to do with bathrooms and bar at the top...told me that a certain website had tickets that were cheap. I wondered if he was hinting that I should try to go there? Anyway, I told him I started clinic in February so I wasn't sure how much time I'd have to have any kin of fun, lol.
When we pulled up to the house, he asked if he could come in and say hi to D25 (her car was out front), but then started wandering around asking me about things I'd done to the house and yard. He did eventually speak to our daughter for a few seconds. I got a hug goodbye (I instigate those), and he left.
We actually texted a few times back and forth about a craft beer I had tried that I liked. I got a picture back later of it in his basket. The next morning I wished him Happy Fathers Day, and gave him the full quote from Chopra that he was trying to remember, plus a clip on the topic. Something like "you are not just a drop in the ocean. You are the ocean within the drop itself". He seemed appreciative.
There's an earnestness about him. He really seems to be trying to figure it all out, but its like watching the tentative steps a teen or young adult takes as they try to figure out who they are and where they differ on ideas they were raised with. What does he really like? What has he convinced himself is important as opposed to what is of real importance to him? Its almost like BD was all that anger you have as a teen that propells you to seperate from your parents and make a life of your own, was delayed or suppressed in him. He jumped over it in a way. He told me once that in highschool he didn't understand why everyone was busy being immature and partying, when he just wanted to do his job (get good grades, be an Eagle Scout), get to professional school, and have a wife and kids. He really just wanted to be a married man with a good job...in high school! He even considered just taking his GED to go straight to college (no running start at the time). So his MLC has been as a rebellious teen, but with the unwanted responsibility of his own career and office and two parents with their own issues, no longer able to really guide him. For the first time ever...he really is on his own.
Its funny how this mirrors the journey we as an LBS are on. We are, as Cadet says, "given the gift of time". But in reality, we are given the gift of space. We can go back to where we left off in our growth and development. Its a do-over. What would you chose if you had it to do all over again, knowing what you know now? A theme to so many movies...although it would be nice, as in some of them, to have the youthful body back, too!
And lastly, Assistant A laughingly told me, "Can you believe this? He told me the other day, 'I really need a wife'." She said she was thinking you had one, you got rid of her. What if he approached you again? My reply to her was...we'd have to date all over again, and just like dating...it would take a long while to figure out who it is that he has now become. And, for him to find out who I am becoming, as well.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
It is always such a joy to read your posts. Your way with words and imagery is quite magical. I have been wondering what Bubbles was up to these days. It sounds like she still isn't a romantic relationship for him, is she a second mother?
Sounds like he is trying to "learn" your new home and see how he feels there.
I'm curious that he isn't closer to your children. Seems like he is digging into himself and I understood that the reconnection with the kids normally happens first. In your case it seems like he is trying to make a connection with your house and with you.
I think your story is such a great one to give people hope. Hope that divorce isn't the end. Hope that you don't have to be nasty and bitter and can remain friendly and supportive during the process. And hope that no matter how things out we LBS can really make a wonderful life for ourselves. Thank you for sharing your hope today.
