Here again part 7

[T384]

My parents split when I was 18 and didn't talk for years. H saw their hostile relationship but then sees how they are now.

He told the boys he would see them tomorrow on the phone. I don't think I can do much until I get legal counsel regarding a schedule but I'm not sure what to do when he's here when I'm here. Last BD he wouldn't come around when I was here. This time it doesn't seem that's going to be a problem.

I probably will leave. I'm also going to text him Friday about childcare for Saturday. All my communication will be via text for documentation purposes.

My dad told me I should tell him he needs to take the baby overnight 2 nights a week

I just want to do what's going to help me stop feeling this way. I want to do whatever is going to help me have the best chance at him regretting this. I know it's all wishful thinking but that's what I want right now

[Anchor]

I want to do whatever is going to help me have the best chance at him regretting this.

I want that too! I want that more than for WH to come back and not be truly remorseful/regretful.

So far the only way I can figure out how to do that is to be nice. I don't pursue, I don't ask questions after him, I don't volunteer information, I'm just vague, distant and pleasant. It feels a natural behaviour in detachment. For example, WH has forgotten his keys two days in a row, which would in the bad old days would have really annoyed me - I have had to be hyper responsible because of his irresponsibility, and yesterday was unable to pick our son up from nursery because of traffic. Whatever. I had plans but I just very mildly texted back, "OK don't stress. I had tickets but I can do pick up." He apologised and I didn't refer to it. I don't give WH any stress whatsoever. It's like being a v v smooth surface - give him nothing to grip to, no grudges to nurse, and whatever crap he throws at you should just slide right off. I see it as undermining whatever crazy narrative they've cooked up. So if you were to imagine your WH complaining to his mother/friends about you, I would see the goal as being giving him no material to work with.

Sure, it might mean that he 'gets away' with being irresponsible and more nights out with OW, but honestly that matters less to me than having the satisfaction of knowing that when the shine wears off this fantasy life, he looks back and is unable to determine why he thought I was so awful. and that quiet voice in him grows stronger - "Have I made a mistake?"

this approach, for me, has had the added bonus of allowing me to detach from him, because to do it authentically I have to not care about him so much.

Calling out to vets to check if this is the right way - is it?

[T384]

Well last night was rough. My youngest son was pretty upset. The baby cries until 130. I'm exhausted. Hoping to get out of the office early today.

H sent a text at 7 am 'boys ok?'

I'm trying not to scream. He hasn't once checked in the baby since he was born. Or ask about the boys. Now he wants to portray himself as father of the year

I am remembering my lawyer telling me call his bluff last time. He's just trying to create a case but he it's not genuine.

So I replied it was not a goodnight ...


No response. If he was genuinely concerned he would want more information instead of ever responding. So I left it st that. I wanted to say don't act like you care if you did you wouldn't leave the kids or me. You wouldn't leave me with a one month old when I have to be up all night and be out of the house by 6 am.

[Sotto]

Sorry you had a poor night TO - I hope tonight brings a better sleep for you all.

As for your H, I think it is best to remove the emotion from your interactions. If you do that, this becomes a simple 'family business' transaction.

H: Boys ok?
TO: Yes all good here. - Or - Yes, not the best night, but we are all okay

Then just go about your day. The problem is where your mind goes...I can't believe he doing X...when he is....and now he want's to be....

Those are things you are adding on to what could be a simple transaction - and that bring you pain and distress because you are still so attached to the situation. I'm not saying it is wrong and unusual to still be attached - as we many of us struggle greatly with this.

However, can you see how scaling down the emotional aspect of these transactions may benefit you? You become far less reactive, less stressed, angry, upset. Focus less on him and more on you etc...

And the beauty of that is - none of is is about him or what he is doing. It is all about you..

Xx

[T384]

This [censored].

H came over to see the boys. I went out and sat on the couch and talked like normal. My oldest won't even come out to see him.

I so badly want to say please don't do this to us again.

Seeing him makes it so much harder.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing I don't want lose him. I don't want him who he is but when I see him I see the man I love. That talks to me about his day etc.

[OwnIt]

I think we can all relate to your struggle. I cannot stand the guy my H is now but when I see him, it hurts my heart. That is why I am often not at home or stay in my room when he comes over.

[T384]

Well the boys both asked H if he was coming back home toddler pay outchouse tomorrow he said we'll see. My 6 year old said you have to we're still a family

That's when H decided to leave.

I went outside to talk to him. He gave me a hug. I told him regardless of what's going to happen that I need his help. I have to finish school and I am not sleeping and need a break.

He said we need time apart. He's not making any promises he can't say if it's going to be good or bad. That he can't be here and talk about this all the time. He needs a break and maybe time apart will be good. I just told him I'm not talking about us. I'm talking about us as parents. I need your help with the kids. I'm not worried about anything but that. He said ok I'll think about coming back to the house. Then we parted ways.


I'm studying to be a health care provider. I am independtly seeing treating and prescribing to very complex ill patients. Something has to give.

I know it's not DB but for my mental sanity and my personal safety I need help. It is not my parents jobs to pick up the pieces and they already have a lot. He is unable to watch the kids because of the concert and didn't make other arrangements just told
Me tonight there's no option he's leaving and he can't watch them.

[Thornton]

TO - I agree with everyone. Let him go.

[T384]

I'm working on it.

Had a rough last two nights. Feeling overwhelmed doing all of this alone. Baby was up until 115 then night before and then 2 last night. I came to stay with my mom last night after I finished my paper so she could help with the baby. I feel like a walking zombie. H came over after work yesterday.

I told him I needed his help. We needed to put our differences aside and he needs to be here a couple nights a week on the couch to help with the baby. He said no. He said he's tired too he's been going to work at 330 am because he can't sleep.

So I asked him if he won't do that then last night would he stay at the house with the dogs so I could go to my moms. He said no he was expected at his boss. He needed to do his laundry and get ready to leave for the concert. I just shook my head. I said I don't even know you anymore. He blew up on me that I make him miserable. He f'ing hates me. He left me because he can't stand to be around me
What a nice mother I am that I had to push him away. I told him we aren't a project you just give up on. I don't care if you're done with me no man or father or decent human being leaves someone at home with 3 kids one being a month old while I'm in school. I said keep telling yourself whatever you have to do to sleep better at night.

He told me yesterday he still couldn't watch the kids unless it was until 11. So I said that my mom was watching them in the afternoon for my study group that she cancelled her plans but he could take them this morning so I could get some things done. He said he had to work. He wasn't at work.

Every single words out of his mouth is a lie. I am questioning our entire life together. I'm questioning who I've been sleeping next to. All of his words sound so coached. He still continues to talk to the woman his mom was friends with. She messaged me Thursday to tell me I need to let go and move on. I didn't reach out to her. She told me obviously H made a mistake coming back after last time and that I have a lot of problems if he has to leave me twice. That I don't see that. I just replied I'm working on myself but I'm not the one that left. I'm still here caring for our children alone. She replied with more stuff about how our kids are better off then living ina. Volatile situation. I didn't reply. I'm not feeding into her.

There was no volatile situation. My kids knew nothing. He was sleeping in the room kissing me doing things as a family. They had no idea. I won't take blame on me where I don't deserve it.

There is no repairing this. He is so far gone. I look at him and he is so angry. It is worse than last time. I was going to follow him to see who he took to this concert because of the flirting I saw on fb but I decided fnot to. It takes away time from me with my children. The truth will Come out eventually.

My dad and H's mom both said his world will come crashing down again. They said I cannot be there to pick him up. Last time he didn't suffer any consequences. They said he knows he can do whatever he wants and I'm still there waiting for him.

[Zues126]

T0, trying to control his behavior is not doing anything positive.

Even if "there is no coming back from this" which I am too fatigued to rehash you are right- he IS the kids dad. So don't do anything do drive him further away from the kids. Every comment you make and attempt to influence you make just infuriates him and makes him rebel.

I am sympathetic to the pain you are feeling. I just see a lot that you are bringing on yourself. When the pain truly gets to be too much then loosen your grip on H and on trying to force some type of resolution.

Sit with your child. Be appreciative for the food you have to eat. Talk to a friend. Post on other's threads. Honor your pain. And act with character. It won't feel better today, but when you do that you can at least feel good about your choices, and have faith that those choices will lead you out of this mess.

Good luck and hope there are a few good moments today.