Here again part 6

[T384]

Sorry if I was unclear...


I just meant I feel like this is a bad dream. All this time things weren't great but he told me no matter what he wouldn't walk out. That 'he wasn't going anywhere' and he hasn't. He continues to make future plans. 3 weeks ago he made plans for our yearly couples trip at Halloween and there are other plans we have made together as well I won't list out. So while things wrrrnt great I felt like he was still here. He was conflicted.

Then he changed a couple weeks ago. He became so angry short tempered and withdrawn. I found out about the steroid shots and started seeing the banter on FB. I also found out about the concert tickets and my heart sank because I knew where we were heading if it kept up this way just from my experience from previous BD.

I'm struggling with feeling inadequate. Like I pushed him away. Like I made him as miserable as he said. The last two nights he is like a complete strangers. We haven't talked and it's like I don't even know him anymore.

I'm trying to let go. My heart and brain are fighting because I know I need to be silent and say nothing but I feel like I'm helping push him further out the door.


When it comes to him leaving I think maybe I explained it wrong. I am trying to prepare myself as best I can. I know it's coming. I just meant I'm not sure it will be today or if he will wait til the day of the concert to just buy himself more time.

H had been the man I needed. He had made changes. The changes just didn't stick when things got tough. He withdrew and I chased after him pushing him away further.

I don't want this. I don't want a divorce. I look at this baby and my heart breaks in a million pieces all over again. I look at my boys and think I've failed them and let them down. That because of me we will have 2 homes and separate lives. I am sick to my stomach that for the rest of my life I won't see them everyday.

The only thing I can confidently say of H is he knee jerks. He makes irrational decisions at the drop of a hat for instant gratification.

The motorcycle he bought when I first told him I was uncomfortable with his behavior and we needed to talk. The next day he bought the bike. I just found out yesterday he bought a 6000 dollar tool box a couple weeks ago. Now, after he told me he was moving out the next day he's filling out a mortgage application. He told me he never planned on moving out until yesterday that I made him snap and it's over. So it's like is that true. Did I push him into this decision and now I have to live with this for ever

These are my thoughts I'm trying to figure out. I woke up praying it was a bad dream.

[Parkema]

T0324

I truly feel for you, a very difficult time as with all of us on here but look at yourself. You are making a go at bettering your future through your training whilst looking after a very small child, you should be commended for it.

DR'ing would suggest that you need to make a decision here, is he having an A? If so there needs to be lines drawn - end the A or move out. You need to protect you for your own sanity and those of the children. If he isn't then great! Ask him to move to his parents for a while and let him stew, go dark no texts, emails or phone calls except the obvious.

Pursuing people like these tend to push them further away, really I know it's not what you want to do BUT not having contact works in your favour they start to think about the sitch and get in contact I've experienced it many times but remember it's a rollercoaster of a ride - ups and downs prepare for it. Whilst you are away from the problem you can then work on yourself with a clearer head and start to prioritise the things you have going on and better choose what to drop to make your hectic life that much easier.

What can you control?
I know separation is the last thing we should do but sometimes it benefits! He has all the power and is dictating how this is being played out, you're better than that. Giving an ultimatum about his attitude towards you and his family with the above conditions might actually wake him up and show him you mean business - you regain the power here.
Mention to him you L him and you want nothing more than the M to continue then hit him with the 2 conditions, he may say thank you and move out prepare for it BUT am I wrong in thinking this is what he wants anyway..?

Please I'm the last person to give advice I'm separated from my WW but it has given me greater control over me and my 2 boys. I am DR'ing and if you haven't got the book GET IT.
To me it looks like you don't know whether your coming or going this needs to stop you need to regain control of YOUR life and not let him dictate how your going to live, that's not fair and it's not right.

Look into the LRT and give this patience and time but gain control first you need to be the one driving your life not him and with the right things in place who knows what will happen.

Be strong be patient and look after yourself.

Mark.

[Anchor]

I understand so well, so painfully well, all the things you've described - the never ending heartache, the grief when you look at your children, the behaviour of your WH, hoping it's all been a bad dream, the self blame...

Others have told me on this board what I'm going to tell you, because I am only just beginning to realise this and accept this. This is NOT your fault. I don't know anything about you but I know this for a fact, it is NOT your fault. You didn't make this happen. Just as you could have done whatever you've done doubly to another man and he wouldn't have walked, your WH could have had a perfectly placid non-reactive brain-dead amoeba of a W and still done the same to her.

I'm not saying you or I are totally blameless. We know what parts we played. But we cannot and should not take full accountability for this outcome, whatever that outcome is. you and your WH are adults. You didn't force him into this behaviour. If you could force him into any behaviour, it surely wouldn't be this, would it? The outcome is a combination of his behaviour and yours. The only thing you can do is to stop making things worse and to stop feeding him justification for whatever craziness he's cooking up.

I had an epiphany yesterday about how controlling I've been. Not just of my WH, but of my own life. Up to yesterday I've been crying out for a sign as to what is going to happen next. That's what so many of us do on these boards, analyse what our WS are doing, read for signs, obsess over meaning that may or may not be there. It's the equivalent to scrying, reading tea leaves, looking for meaning in the stars. We're looking for control because we're afraid to let go.

If we let go (and I say this to myself as much as you), what changes? Nothing. We have more peace because there's less futile mental dialouge. We might actually get the time to think about something that is amusing. We go to bed heartbroken and wake up heartbroken, and whatever happens will happen anyway.

I've been trying to let go, and am going to keep trying. Keep trying with me. We can do this.

[sandi2]

I can't forgive him if he does this again...

Sweetheart, he is doing it again. Perhaps he has not packed up and moved his stuff, but he "is" and has been doing this ^^^.

I asked him last night please to not leave our family.

How do you mean "don't leave our family"? As in moving out of the house?

My heart breaks for you. All I can tell you at this particular moment is those desparate pleas that are coming from your pain, only pushes him away. He will think you are trying to guilt him or whatever. Do you really want him there, knowing how he feels?

You are under an incredible amount of stress. Just not sleeping can be dangerous. Please don't become a statistic that has a breakdown from too much stress. I am concerned for you, ((TO)). It seems to me that having some physical space from him might help with your nerves, but what do I know?

[T384]

Sandi. I wish you could talk to me in real life...

So I haven't talked to h. He told his mom he was done. She said she spent hours talking to him (I did not ask her to). That he didn't give a reason. He just told her everything was going to be okay but that he was done and there was no changing his mind. She said he was like a completely different person. He was 'unplugged' shut out cold etc. she said she cried as he dropped her off and ask him not to change all our lives like this again.

Soon after she text me that I got a text from H. If you remember he had told me he wasn't going to the concert. He was only going if they had an extra ticket but that he didn't think they would.

Well his text says I have until 11am Saturday then I'm going to the concert with my bosses.

I haven't responded. I don't plan on it. I had already told him my study group was between 4-5 and was about 30 minutes away and I would need to be gone for 2 hours. So he knows that doesn't work.

My family wants me to respond to him and ask him to coke get his things.

I didn't respond as I said. So he then sends my mom a text ....

'Would you be able to help watch the boys for 2-3 hours on Saturday afternoon? W has to meet for a study group to study for her test on Monday. I'm heading to west palm for the evening with all of my bosses. If not don't worry about it I will figure something out. Thanks!'

I asked my mom not to respond.

So I am working on homework and not planning on making a rash response right now.

Do I ask him to leave or just let it play out? My plan was to say nothing. See if he comes home and if he comes home just say nothing and just work on my school work. Not say a word about anything.

My parents think he's lashing out like he did about bike week when he first dropped the bomb a few months ago. That he's lashing out because I told him no to the concert.

I've been in touch with a friend that's an attorney and have received some numbers of some local attorneys. I am going to try to consult with at least one on Friday so I know my rights before I do anything.


I'm. Losing it. I'm exhausted. This is my only place to vent. So I'm sorry everyone had to hear me sounding so weak. I'm trying to hold it all together. I just took the boys to lunch but I am dying inside. I'm looking at this baby and I feel like I'm falling apart. I have let my children down again. I brought an innocent life in the world to live in separate homes. I didn't have children to see them 50% of the time. I know I'll be okay I just have a lot of mud to walk through.

I'm just not sure what my next step is.

Respond to the text? Ask him to move out? Or just not react to anything.

[OwnIt]

TO:

Talking made this situation worse. Protect yourself and your feelings and stop talking to him, which only pushes him further away. It looks like he is trying to line up the child care. Let him do that. Let him get his stuff on his timetable.

Stop thinking that there is a deadline or that something must happen immediately. It is not going to. Stop projecting your feelings in this moment over the rest of your life. Your feelings will change one way and then the other. Stop giving yourself ultimatums and stop repeating them to him.

If you want your H and your marriage, keep your mouth shut. You don't have a clear path so do nothing in the meantime.

Only communicate with him when he initiates. Then keep it short, civil and businesslike. Limit your communications to the kids, the house, etc. Only business. STOP bringing up the relationship, the timetable, what this means, what that means.

Focus on the kids, your school, your work, and your friends and family.

You know with 100% certainty that what you have been doing is not working. Now try to really DB. Give him the space. Give yourself the time.

[T384]

Hey Ownit,

In done talking. I haven't talked with him about it. I haven't called nor text.

I was just asking do I even respond to his text about him going to the concert and only being available until 11. The concert doesn't start til 8 and the concert is 2 hours away. So 11am to leave is very early... I don't believe his text warrants a response because that time doesn't work for me and he knew that before he sent it.

As far as if he does or doesn't come home tonight. Do I do anything or just get a lawyer figure out my rights and stay silent?

[OwnIt]

Stay silent. That is your answer for everything. Have a backup for the child care if he doesn't come through but don't talk about it to him. Avoid at all costs making excuses to contact him "for the children." If they are sick, take care of it. If you need something from the store, get it yourself. If you need childcare, arrange it on your own unless he initiates it and volunteers. Only contact him about a real emergency (kid or you in the hospital) or if he messes with money that you need. Do not ask him when or where he is moving. Do not ask him where he is going or with who. Do not mention any other women. Block him on FB for your own sanity. Stop snooping, it is for you and not him.

He wants his space. Show him what that really feels like. Make him feel exactly what it is to be divorced. Mentally treat him like your ex-husband. See how he likes it and whether it causes him to cycle in. If he does, stay cool and wait it out.

When you start doing this you will detach. The pain will absolutely lessen. Your relationship with him will improve because every interaction between the two of you won't be a relationship argument.

Take it day by day. Resolve to get only through today not contacting him. When you accomplish that, wake up tomorrow and do the same thing. If you feel like calling or texting him write on here and me or someone else will tell you not to do it.

Do not even think for one second in your mind that you will take him back unless the person in front of you has shown by his action that he is the man you love. No more promises about trying. No coming back for the kids.

One day at a time TO and if that is too much, then one hour at a time.

[T384]

He said he won't be married for the kids.

I have no desire to contact him. I'm way too upset and no good will come of it.

There is Not a M to save here. That's why I'm struggling to process all of this and treat him as my exH for the second time.

He's been on the phone with the realtor and mortgage person for the last 2 days non stop. I'm done checking everything as of this morning.

I'll be meeting with some L next week for a few consultations.

I feel like I'm letting him walk all over me. If he comes home until the concert and then goes away to the concert and I let him stay here I'm just showing him he can do whatever he wants.

[sandi2]

I'm. Losing it. I'm exhausted. This is my only place to vent. So I'm sorry everyone had to hear me sounding so weak. I'm trying to hold it all together. I just took the boys to lunch but I am dying inside. I'm looking at this baby and I feel like I'm falling apart. I have let my children down again. I brought an innocent life in the world to live in separate homes. I didn't have children to see them 50% of the time.

With all you are going through in your life, it's no wonder you are about to collapse. You are not weak, and even if you feel that you are.....you don't have to pretend or try to look brave for us. You can vent all you want! I just wish you would not blame yourself. You haven't let down your children, the first or second time. You did not bring an innocent life into the world by yourself. It took two people to make that baby, and I just see one who is caring for him. Besides, what were you suppose to do, when your H waited till nearly time to deliver to start his acting out again?

FWIW, my daughter left her H when she was pregnant. Our grandchild grew up without ever seeing his parents together. He has no memory of a previous homelife b/c he had not been born at the time his daddy chose to sleep around with other women. Maybe we spoiled him a little, b/c we felt so sorry that he was this innocent baby who was born "after" his parents separated. He would never have memories of what it was like to have a home with both parents. It still hurts when I think about it, but all we can do is show our love, guidance, and support....and let him know we are there for him.

Both of my kids went through painful divorces where adultery was involved. As a mother and grandmother, it broke my heart. After the youngest one was hit with a divorce, too, I even wondered if it was karma paying me back.

I wished I knew something to say that would brighten your day, honey.
I hope I don't sound patronizing. Some day you will look back on this as a very painful time in your life. I believe with all my heart that you will be in a happier place when you look back. You will think, "If I only knew then that my future would be this good and that my kids would be happy"! How can I make that statement? B/c I believe you are that mother who will fight the demons of hell to give her best for her kids. What I pray you can do soon, is to stop punishing yourself. You are not the cause for all this stuff going on with your H. I hope you will accept that you are only one person, doing the best you can, and that you cannot be make up for "what may have been". All you can do is show them your love, guidance, and support. And you know what I've learned? Those little guys don't find fault in those who give of themselves. That's what they want, TO. They need you to be Mom, b/c you you do such an incredible job! If I can admire you through just reading your threads....then I know those kids will feel blessed to have you as their mother.